Basket of Dismissables

Racists.

Bigots.

Misogynists.

These are the uneducated idiots who made it possible for the unthinkable to happen. These are the people who elected Donald Trump to the highest office in this so-called greatest country on earth.

(Here is the part where all of the short tempered assholes jump off this blog. Fine. This isn’t really for you anyway.)

Now let me tell you what I really think.

While there is absolutely no doubt that the prejudice and hate that plagues this country played a role in what transpired this election day, the bigger issue is how those of us who staked our claim to the moral high ground by siding with “Her” dismissed those who didn’t by labeling them racists, bigots, misogynists, or just generally less intelligent and uninformed. This attitude was crystallized in what I believe was the turning point of the entire election, when Hilary Clinton referred to half of Trump’s supporters as a “basket of deplorables”.

I was deeply disappointed when this news came out. It was at a time in the election when all of the momentum was shifted her way. She was coming off of a successful Democratic National Convention where Bernie Sanders and the Obamas helped unite the party behind her, after a disastrous Republican National Convention which was highlighted by Melania Trump’s plagiarized speech and Ted Cruz’s controversial non-endorsement for Trump. This was followed by a period of party in-fighting where Trump was at odds with everyone from John McCain to Paul Ryan. By mid-August things were so bad for Trump and his camp that Paul Manafort, his second campaign manager, resigned and was replaced by Kellyanne Conway two and a half months before election day. At the time, most opinion polls had Hillary ahead by double digits.

It was expected at the time that Hillary would take this momentum, kick the shit out of Donald in the presidential debates (if he even decided to show up!) and then ride on to one of the biggest landslide victories in history. Sounded legit. I mean she was the most qualified candidate ever to run and he was a dude who is in the WWE Hall of Fame. HOW COULD SHE FUCK THIS UP???!!!!

wwe-hall-of-fame-class-of-2013

Feast your eyes on my new Facebook profile pic.

Well here’s how. You start by ignoring the fact that there were people who were disgusted enough with the status quo that they decided to elect Donald Trump as the Republican nominee. That alone should have home the point that people were not fucking around when they said they were disgusted with Washington. Then, on top of that, you fuel the idea that you are some elitist New York insider who doesn’t give two shits what Jimbos and Ellie Maes of the country have to say or what they care about by saying that they are all  “deplorables”. Yes, I know she said half, but it is absolutely no different than when Donald Trump says many of the Mexicans coming across the border are drug dealers and rapists. Trump didn’t say all Mexicans are criminals, just like she only said half of Trump supporters are pieces of shit, but chances are if Hillary were to meet Jimbo or Ellie Mae they are going to be thinking this lady thinks I am a fucking deplorable. FUCK HER!!!

To be clear, I am not saying she did not deserve to be president because of this misstep. Again, she was maybe the most qualified candidate to ever run for office. She also may have proven to be one of the cockiest candidates ever (her and those in her camp). There was almost this attitude that it was Hillary’s destiny to win this election. Like it was some self fulfilling prophecy.

She had worked her whole life to get here.

She had learned to be more likable.

The country had shown by electing Barack Obama twice that they were open to trying new things. We were finally ready for our first woman president! It wasn’t a matter of IF SHE WOULD WIN, it was a question of HOW MUCH SHE WOULD WIN BY!

hillary-history

Yeah, that is one way of looking at it. 

Hillary and her camp never really considered losing as a truly possible outcome. They never took Donald Trump as a serious threat. He was a joke. Hillary had the backing of every living president, prominent Republicans, and major celebrities of every kind. Trump had Scott Baio. This was never supposed to be a contest. This was just all the shit Hillary had to do before she became president.

Remember when Buster Douglas beat Mike Tyson?

When the USA beat Russia in the Miracle on Ice?

When Jennifer Hudson lost on American Idol?

Bad things happen when you take your opponent for granted. All Hillary’s camp had to do was listen to any pregame speech of any NFL coach preparing his team to face the Cleveland Browns to hear things like, “you never take your opponent for granted”,  “wins are not just handed to you”, and other such cliches. Because she violated these sacred rules, we just witnessed the electoral equivalent of Hillary losing to the Cleveland Browns.

Once you really wrap your head around how this happened, I believe it makes it just the slightest bit easier to move forward. What happened already happened. If you feel the need to protest to show your disgust, fine. If you really want to move to Canada, more power to you. But for those of us who are staying all I ask is one thing.

Find a way to make peace with this so we can all move on.

No one is saying you should not be angry or disappointed. There is a difference between complacency and acceptance. An alcoholic knows he has a drinking problem and keeps on drinking. A recovering alcoholic knows he has a drinking problem and takes steps to address his problem. If this election has shown us all something is that we all have a huge problem on our hands. Just a few weeks ago it was just the Republican party that was in crisis. Democrats everywhere looked down at the fire and laughed smugly. Don’t act like it isn’t true. We loved every minute of it.

Not so funny anymore is it?

Now that we know this is not just a GOP crisis, what do we do to fix things? For one, we all need to stop trying to find the nearest member of the opposing party to blame and concentrate on what it is that we can do better. It starts with listening to one another instead of dismissing each other as idiots the second we hear something that we don’t agree with. Just because someone doesn’t believe in abortion doesn’t mean they might not have some sort of keen insight on the economy. Just because someone for some stupid reason believes we should build a wall doesn’t mean they might not be right about some of our legitimately lax immigration policies. We all need to try harder to understand why these white people all felt desperate enough that they chose to believe in a guy who used to sell steaks at Sharper Image.

trumpsteak1

FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHITE PEOPLE!!!

I will end this with a plea to all my fellow liberal assholes. The time for making fun of the uneducated redneck masses has passed. That group that you are so much smarter than just served you a big ole’ country sized serving of WOKE! Instead of reacting the same exact way all the “racists” did when President Obama did in 2008, how about we try something different? We can all say #notmypresident till we turn blue in the face (Get it? Blue? This thing on?), but that will not change the fact that Donald Trump is f’reals the president. So go ahead, get all the anger out your system (PEACEFULLY!!!) and let’s move on in a smarter, more productive fashion. Let’s not let this happen again in 2020!

kanye-2020

Laugh at your own peril.

Cruz suspends

Game of Drones (A Purely Original Headline)

This week there were many people who were finally given a reason for hope after months of sadness and uncertainty. They saw their savior arise, destined to restore order to the broken realm.

I’m talking of course about Ted Cruz, champion of the Republican Party.

Jon Snow
Go back to sleep Jon, Ted’s got this. 

The demigod Donald Trump has run roughshod over the GOP in his pursuit of the throne. Like a true American patriot, he has ignored the antiquated rules of engagement and  used tactics as unorthodox as his hair to rise through the ranks. What began as a subtle annoyance to the GOP nobility has since grown into a nigh unstoppable force which threatens to doom us all.

There have been many who have attempted to stand in opposition. At the start of the conflict, the GOP threw out hordes of their “finest” soldiers to vanquish the Donald. No fewer than 16 candidates were thought to be up to the task. Santorum, Fiorina, Jindal, Perry, even Jeb of clan Bush all fell at the feet of the beast. Some fought more valiantly than others, employing several interesting strategies along the way.

Ben the Surgeon appeared to use confusion as his tactic of choice. Not sure if he intended to confuse himself or the rest of us the whole time, but maybe that was his plan all along.

Carson stage

Ben, you stupid genius, you!

Marco the Little attempted to use wit to gain the support of the masses, repeatedly mocking Trump’s small fingers and making ill fated references to his watering gaffe of old lore. A strategy that might have been more successful had Marco possessed a sense of humor… or a personality… or a human, non-robotic brain.

Rubio Water

Classic!

John of Kay-sick? Kay-sitch? or whatever his name is, has used stealth as his weapon. Often times over the past few months we’ve heard whispers of, “Wait, he’s still in this fight?” or “Holy shit, there is another guy in there.” Indeed there was another guy, behaving himself in the shadows, waiting for his opportunity to strike politely.

Kasich

Kasich at a recent debate.

In the end there was only one man seemingly fit enough to pose a real threat to Trump. Inexplicably, that man was the bastard Ted Cruz (not a bastard in the literal sense, just in the sense that he’s a dick). Cruz was never meant to be the hero of this tale. He is generally loathed by most everyone he has ever been in contact with. Think of it this way, if Trump is the Antichrist, the hope was that Cruz could be the anti-Antichrist.

Cruz began his assault with a stirring victory in the battle of the Iowa caucases. He didn’t do much of shit after that, but with every almost victory he grew more and more confident. His task was made simpler when it was made clear that he didn’t even need to completely defeat Trump on his own. He only needed to weaken Trump enough to force him into a showdown in Cleveland, where the GOP were prepared to summon the fabled “Super-Delegates” to finish the job.

Despite the mounting opposition, Trump grew more and more brash, smugly navigating every obstacle set before him. Every time Trump defied the GOP it was a bigger embarrassment. What began as a mild annoyance over Trump had grown into a full fledged hatred (a hatred only surpassed by their hatred for Ted Cruz). Still, despite their disdain for Trump. not many dared to fully cross him. After all, this man could well be their future ruler. Although some were brave enough to cry out how shitty he is in one breath, they also felt compelled to begrudgingly pledge their support for him in the next.

Christie

Yes, Chris the Fat. Gaze upon your future in horror.

It was all up to Ted Cruz to turn things around. He had to put a stop to Trump’s onslaught. He was the GOP’s sad, shitty last hope. (This is when we all say “GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, KASICH IS STILL IN?!!”)  Alas, things did not go as planned. Cruz’s last stand at the battle of Indiana was a disaster.

First leading up to the battle, John Boehner, former Lord Commander of the House of Representatives, came out and publicly stabbed Cruz in the back.

Boehner cruz

FOR THE WATCH!!!

Then in the early stages of the battle, Carly Fiorina, Cruz’s chosen top lieutenant, fell at his side.

Fiorina stage

Like a true pro, Ted didn’t break stride.

Finally, Trump dealt the apparent deathblow, forcing Cruz and what few supporters he had left into apparent surrender.

Cruz suspends

NOOOO! I mean, YESSS! I mean, NOOOO!… I’m so conflicted.

But then at the zero hour, when all seemed to be lost, a fire sparked in Ted Cruz unlike anything we’d ever seen before. Throwing caution to the wind, he unleashed a powerful offensive on Trump. He was no longer holding back.

“utterly amoral,”

“narcissist,”

“serial philanderer”

These were the blows Cruz was now lodging toward Trump. He went on to add that Trump is “a pathological liar. He doesn’t know the difference between truth and lies. He lies practically every word that comes out of his mouth.”

This is the fury the people had been waiting for. This was the conflict we’d waited to witness. Though slain in battle, maybe Cruz could somehow rise up out of the ashes and lead the charge to defeat Trump after all. What a tale  that would turn out to be. A world renowned piece of shit like Cruz, given a chance at redemption, unites the GOP to rise up and renounce Trump and all his evils once and for all. Songs would be sung of his bravery for generations to come!

Unfortunately, Ted Cruz is not the savior that was promised. He is still a just a piece of shit. After all the insults, and the tantrums, and the tirades against Trump, Cruz was asked this simple question.

“Will you support Donald Trump as the Republican nominee?”

After dodging the question a few times Cruz answered,

“You sound like a broken record, someone else have a question?”

Again he was pressed for an answer,

“I don’t understand why you won’t answer the question, Senator. If you think he’s a liar… If you say he’s a pathological liar, and you say that you can’t…”

“You’ve asked one already, Hallie,” Cruz responded angrily. “You’ve asked already.”

And so, with one last act of cowardice, Cruz exited the struggle once and for all.

Lyin ted

Ahh, fuck off with this shit, lyin’ Ted. 

Trump’s domination of the Republican party seems to be complete. Only the Democrats can stop him now. Pray for us all.

 

When White People Riot

I remember sitting in a pizza shop with some co-workers the day the riots in Ferguson, Missouri reached their climax. CNN was on the television showing images of police in riot gear clashing with angry black residents. Cars were overturned, stores were smashed, whole neighborhoods burned. As we sat and watched, I braced myself for the inevitable question someone would eventually blurt out.

Demonstrators stand in the middle of West Florissant as they react to tear gas fired by police during ongoing protests in reaction to the shooting of Brown, near Ferguson

“Why would they do that to their own community?”

Oh yeah, my co-workers are all white. This matters for context only. I’m not racist, I swear.

As the only person of color at the table I was somehow expected to have the answer to this question. It is a question people of color are always asked when these types of situations play out. It was asked during the Ferguson riots, it was asked during the Baltimore riots, it was asked during the LA riots back when Rodney King made his famous plea of “can’t we all just get along?” For such a seemingly simple concept the answer is and always has been exceedingly complex. There really is no answer in my estimation. On many levels it simply doesn’t make sense.

Rioting as a form of protest is a paradoxical concept. I’ve never been able to wrap my head around it as a strategic maneuver. I’ve always seen it more as a purely instinctual, emotionally charged response. Like a child throwing a tantrum when their parents won’t buy them a toy at the store. It’s more likely to get them a beating than what they want (depending on how shitty the parents are).

This is why when someone asks me to explain the logic behind what transpires during riots I cringe. Logic is never the driving force behind a riot. Anger. Hurt. Desperation. These are the catalysts at play. It makes me sad to see the disenfranchised destroy what little they have. The images that we see on the news are startling. All over we see mostly young black men and women lashing out in the only way they seem to know how.

Baltimore-Riots

The perception of the angry black youth may be more alive and well in today’s America than it has ever been. For the hundreds of peaceful protests that have taken place over the past few years, it is the images from Baltimore and Ferguson that endure in the country’s psyche. The Black Lives Matter movement is viewed more as a domestic terrorist cell by many than an as a group of activists seeking justice. To sum this all up in simple terminology, WE ARE A BUNCH OF SCARY MOTHERFUCKERS!

People do crazy stuff when they are scared. More specifically white people do crazy stuff when they are scared. You think its bad when black people get angry? Or hurt? Or desperate? You think its bad to turn on your TV and see what happens when poor communities in Ferguson and Baltimore stop making sense? Turn on your TV right now and you can see what happens when the entire country stops making sense.

As recently as a year ago Donald Trump was a laughing stock. His run for the presidency was still viewed as an elaborate publicity stunt. Now here we sit, six months away from the election hoping and praying that he doesn’t score enough delegates to guarantee a nomination as the Republican candidate. He has done this while running the least presidential campaign in this country’s history. He has slandered women, advocated violence against protesters at his rallies, and run on a platform built around intolerance and xenophobia. He has proclaimed that he “could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot someone and not lose any votes” AND HE HAS BEEN PROVEN CORRECT! He even did the unthinkable recently and referred to the events of 9/11 as 7/11 in a speech. He did not correct himself. He also did not skip a beat in the polls.

Steve 711
We wouldn’t have let Steve Harvey get away with that!

To think that in 2004, Howard Dean, considered by many to be the front runner for the Democratic nomination, had his whole campaign derailed because he let out an awkward overly enthusiastic cheer at the end of one of his speeches. He literally did nothing wrong. He was just a huge dork is all. Seems unthinkable that this sort of thing could tank a campaign today. On the bright side it did lead to some hilarious spoofs.

Like this one – Dave Chapelle – BYAAHHHH!!!

 

How did things get to be this way? What the hell is wrong with everyone? Well, as is the case with almost everything over the past 8 years, you can place most of the blame with Obama. Having to deal with Obama as president for two whole terms has driven many backwards ass people to drastic measures. He is the embodiment for everything they fear and loathe.

Muslim? CHECK!

Terrorist-y sounding name? CHECK!

Smooth black dude who could probably steal your girl? CHECK!

Uppity ass educated negro? DOUBLE CHECK!!!

I-Have-No-More-Campaigns-To-Run-Funny-Obama-Meme-Picture
OHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIITTTTTT!!!!

To have this man as Commander in Chief, all the while having gays running around getting married, and trans people not living in the shadows where they belong, and Latinos from the Bronx being appointed to the Supreme Court, and black people getting fed up about cops shooting them all the time. It looks like it just all got to be too much for white people. They’ve snapped.

It’s like they’ve all gotten together and collectively are saying, “YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WANT CHANGE? WE’LL SHOW YOU CHANGE!”

So FUCK IT they say, build a wall to keep out the Mexicans who are the backbone of our agricultural industry and contribute in countless other to our country. And while we’re at it keep all the Muslims out too. FUCK IT, repeal Obama Care no matter how many lives it has saved and regardless of the fact that none of the fucks cursing its name have a more viable alternative to help those who can’t afford care. FUCK IT, lets make huge sweeping cuts to social security and welfare. Yeah millions of god fearing honest white people will be left out in the cold, but at least the minorities won’t be able to buy their drugs with our tax dollars.

And yea, FUCK IT, elect Donald Trump our next president. FUCK IT, bomb the shit out of ISIS and all of our enemies. FUCK IT we don’t care about economic policies, or failed business practices. FUCK IT, make Mexico or China or whoever the fuck finance our bullshit ideas. He can say what he wants or do what he wants because damnit, he loves America! Not YOUR America, THEIR America. And it’s gonna be fucking GREAT again.

FUCK IT ALL!!! 

This is what’s happening in our country right now. There are no police in riot gear imposing martial law in the streets. No victimized store owners crying in front of their wrecked livelihood. No burning buildings to point at in horror. Yet somehow I can’t shake the fear that unless things change we will all be standing in front of the wreckage in a few years asking ourselves this one sobering question.

“Why would they do that to their own country?”

Trump Palin
CAUSE FUCK IT, THAT’S WHY!!!

Sade2

How to Captivate an Audience Without Using Your Crotch

I hate music these days.

I know I may sound like a crotchety old man at times, but hear me out on this.

The other day I was channel surfing and I came across a performance by some half naked performer singing some factory assembled song, with some over the top crotch in your face dance moves, and I thought to myself, “who is to blame for this?” The thing about that description I just gave you is that it could apply to any number of contemporary “artists”, male or female. It’s become the blueprint to making it in the biz.

The thing is, I can appreciate good choreography, or artists that know how to put on a hell of a fun show, but at the end of the day less is usually more. On Sunday I went to see one of my favorite artists, Norah Jones. My cousins often make fun of me for being such a huge fan of hers, but the reason I love Norah is because she is a musician. Her performances are all about the entirety of the music. The piano, guitar, bass, percussion, and of course her voice all work together. She connects with each of her songs as she performs and that translates to the audience. No huge production value is needed. You don’t pay attention because there are a bunch of shiny flashing lights and shaking asses. You pay attention because someone is up there sharing a piece of their soul with you.

If that isn’t sexy enough for you, then let me turn your attention to the queen of the less is more concept. One of the sexiest woman of all time in many ways if you ask me (and I am certainly not the only one). I am talking about the one and only, Sade.

I had the distinct pleasure of seeing Sade live in concert a few years back. I still remember as I left the venue I overheard many people saying exactly what I was thinking. “I can die happy now.” I’m not kidding. She is that good. Sade doesn’t just perform when she gets on stage. Sade holds the audience hostage when she gets on stage.

Sade’s sexiness lies in the subtlety of her movements. A flick of her wrist, a slight raise of her eyebrow, the smallest twitch in her hips. She knows exactly what she’s doing to us. It gives me goosebumps just writing about it. If I ever were in a position to manage some young beautiful singer I would have her watch Sade videos all day and night. Not that anyone could ever duplicate her greatness. Just hopefully they would see more of a role model than any of the nameless clones being shoved in our faces today.

Greatness stands on it’s own.

The Top 10 Albums I Own That Violate My African-American Maleness

Note: Found this in the vault. Thought my cousins (who love to torture me) would enjoy. 

Today I am going to explore some of the albums I own that get me cracked on the most when my boys go through my stuff.

Oh they’re bad. Trust me.

To help me in this endeavor I have enlisted the help of some friends. Aside from some of my boys who have repeatedly talked shit about me, I have asked my good friend Gabe, a respected music expert to many, to help me write this blog.

Now  let’s get started shall we?

10)Radiohead – The Bends
Question: What do millions of poser emo-kids and I have in common?
A: We love Radiohead!
Radiohead is an awesome band. Even some black people know this. I have a friend of who sampled “Exit Music for a Film” on a rap song. That being said,  The Bends is just too pale for me not to recognize here. Also it makes the list as a representation of the eight, count em’ eight, Radiohead albums I own.
Ask a Black Dude: (Phil says): “Yo, why the hell do you own so many Radiohead albums? Are you depressed?”

9) Every Album Norah Jones Has Ever Released
Norah is actually pretty cool by most measures. She has done songs with Talib Kweli, Outkast, and Q-Tip, just to name a few. However I must lose some man points for owning every one of her albums, and wanting to name my daughter (when I have one) after her.

Ask a Black Dude (Patrick Says): “Dave you’s a real bitch sometimes.”

8) Blues Traveler – Four
Well as you can tell by the name of the band, it’s blues so it’s not so bad. And anyone who has ever heard them can’t deny they’ve got some soul. Still these guys are pretty damn white.

Gabe’s Take: There’s nothing so particularly paleface as a 90’s alternative rock band masquerading around as a blues act. Among their work, no album is better known, or more widely available on cassette in thrift stores, than Four. But they’re usually more appreciated by the “acoustic-guitars and coffee shops” crowd, not the “big beats and apple-bottom jeans” crowd.

7) Diana Krall – Love Scenes
Diana is actually not that bad. She is a Jazz singer with a smooth sultry voice. Then again let’s examine this further..

Gabe ‘s Take: She’s got that air of a blond New York career girl who grew up and stumbled into fame as a recording lite jazz vocals. She’s also from the northern wooded lands to which white people always threaten to escape: Canada. She’s famously married to pale snob musician Elvis Costello, who has never been able to decide whether he wants to look like an urbane hipster or a mob movie snitch. Either way, there’s nothing very “hood” about either of these characters, and nothing more decidedly “white suburban mom” than an elevator music vocalist’s collection of love ballads.

6) Daughtry – Daughtry
If there is any, and I mean any American Idol album it is accebtable for a “brotha” to own, this is certainly not it. Ruben Studdard is the only semi-acceptable one.

Ask a Black Dude (Winston says): “You actually own this album?!!! Man, you almost as white as Randy Jackson right about now.”

5) Katie Melua – Call Off the Search
Wow. Now we’re getting down to the real embarassing stuff. I’ll let Gabe take this one.

Gabe’s Take: Katie Melua is a Georgia born singer. Why does that matter? Because she was born in the Georgia of khatchapuri and lobio, not the Georgia of black eyed peas and collard greens. An eastern European who grew up in Ireland, who makes a living being a girly bohemian singer in Europe, who doesn’t even know much fame in the states, might even cause Carlton Banks to bring your “blackness” into question. Even if that weren’t the case, consider your man-card suspended for listening to an artist whose main audience in America came from appearances in the Miss Potter (the Beatrix Potter biopic) and Nancy Drew soundtracks.

4)The Notorious B.I.G. – Ready to Die
Now you may be confused right now, so let me explain. Of course this album is one of the greatest albums in Hip Hop history, so it’s “blackness” goes without saying. The problem is that I own the clean version of the album. This is a MAJOR VIOLATION! I bought the clean version by accident, and never bothered to get the Explicit one. This pisses my boys off to no extent.

Ask a Black Dude (Jamel) – “Wait a minute something’s wrong. We have been listening to this album for ten minutes and I haven’t heard him say bitch once! What the fuck? This is the clean version. That’s a bitch move Dave. A real bitch move.”

3) Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians – Shooting Rubberbands at the Stars
This one would be on top, but it is a sentimental fave of mine. Still it’s off the charts as far as how embarassing it is. No black person I know has ever heard of these people.

Gabe’s Take: Edie Brickell is a Texas white chick who helped start the rash of patchouli-smelling power-woman singer/songwriters that plagued the whole decade of the 90’s and still propels the limp careers of Alanis and Jewel. How did she help to initiate this? By releasing this debut album, which is hardly gangsta. The only thing she’s shooting are the stars. With rubber bands. In short, this is the kind of stuff middle aged white hippie women eat up.

2)Sisqo – Enter the Dragon
The hit single from this album is the Thong Song. Nuff’ said.’

Ask a Black Dude (Maurice says): If I never hear The Thong Song again, it’ll be too soon. As a black man, back in the day he was bad for business… guilt by association. Non-black women asking if I like thongs and such.

1)Sheryl Crow – Tuesday Night Music Club
What? Why are you looking at me that way. I liked this album okay? Deal with it!

Gabe’s Take: Dave, do you know why you’ve been pulled you over sir? No, not because you’re black. Not even because you’re a black dude listening to countrified girl pop by the ex-girlfriend of a Tour de France champion. No. Today your man-card is officially revoked indefinitely, not for the Edie or Katie albums, but for owning and listening to a Sheryl Crow disc on purpose. There is simply no explanation, no excuse that can get you out of this one, sir. If all you wanna do is have some fun, and soak up the sun, I got a feeling you’re the only one. At least, the only self-respecting black male one.

Honorable/Dishonorable Mention
Basia – Time and Tide
Coldplay – Parachutes/ A Rush of Blood to the Head
John Mayer – Heavier Things
Alanis Morisette – MTV Unplugged

Choose Your Words Carefully

I have always had a colorful vocabulary.

I often recount fondly the tale of how I cursed this kid out in front of the whole class when I was but a wee tiny lad in second grade. My favorite part of the story is when my dad came up to the school to meet with my teacher afterwards and was left speechless by the following question:

“Do you have any idea where he could have learned language like that?”

If I could frame his face at that moment it would be sitting on the fireplace mantle today.

I DO NOT *dramatic pause* know where that little shit learned those words!"

“I DO NOT *dramatic pause* know where that little shit learned those words!”

The term “offensive language” has always been perplexing to me. Words have very little power without context. I mean don’t get me wrong, there are some words no one should ever use. Regardless of the situation, I cannot find any reason to condone the use of language such as “BAE”, “ON FLEEK”, or “IGGY AZALEA”. Free speech or no, have some self respect.

GO AROUND RETARD!!!!

GO AROUND YOU JERSEY RETARD!!!!

Other terms depend very much on how they are used. I will admit to you all that I still to this day use the word “retarded” on a pretty regular basis. Just the other day I was telling someone how retarded drivers in New Jersey are. I mean seriously, there are two lanes. Why would you wait behind me for five minutes while I wait to make a turn when there is NO TRAFFIC??

Some overly sensitive assholes may contend that any use of the word “retarded” is insulting to those who have mental or developmental handicaps?,disorders?, disabilities? stuff. I have never met someone who has a medical condition and said or even thought to myself, “look at this retard!” I have on many occasion said this to myself or out loud while watching any number of Republican debates throughout the years. Retards are not people who have trouble learning in school. Retards are people who think that we should force Mexico to pay for and build a wall to keep Mexican rapists and drug dealers in Mexico.

"That's insensitive, Dave."

“That’s insensitive, Dave.”

Furthermore, for all you people who still want to pass judgement, check out these STILL OFFICIAL definitions from merriam-webster.com.

Definition of RETARDED:  slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development or academic progress

Medical Definition of RETARDED:  slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development :  characterized by mental retardation

YES, THESE ARE STILL IN THE DICTIONARY! TAKE THAT THOUGHT POLICE!!!

I think it is important to note here that I am not advocating the use of pejorative or discriminatory speech. Contrary to my earlier statement about my dad, I was raised right. I think I have a pretty good idea of what’s wrong and what’s right. You might not like that I curse sometimes , but when you really meet someone who uses offensive language it is a totally different experience than getting annoyed because someone used the word “balls” instead of testicles.

A few weeks back I met this guy named Robbie. Robbie has Down Syndrome and is the brother of an acquaintance of mine. After introducing me to Robbie said acquaintance told me the following:

“Robbie is an INVALID. He can’t really work or nothing so me and my brother gotta look after him all the time.”

He called him an INVALID! He said this to me directly in front of Robbie too. I was mortified.

In case some of you were not around for the middle ages, the term “invalid” (pronounced in-vuh-lid) used to be a common term used to refer to people who were disabled (mentally, physically or otherwise). There is no getting around how wrong that term is. How much more blunt can you be in saying certain groups of people are NOT VALID. Even the dictionary uses it to describe people who are too sick or infirmed to take care of themselves, but I would never even use “invalid” in that context. So what, when someone gets cancer and has to go into hospice they cease to be valid? Sick people get the same amount of respect as last month’s expired Windows password?

CurrentPasswordInvalid

NOW THAT IS OFFENSIVE!!!

Jesus Died at Age 33… OH SHIT, HOLD UP!!!

I had a birthday recently. In case you couldn’t figure out by the title I turned 33 years old.

I’ll pause for a sec to let you sing to me…

…aww, thanks you guys!

I’ve had many people tell me that 33 is a great year recently. They all reference Jesus when they tell me this, like 33 was a great year for him. Did any of these people see Passion of the Christ? I don’t know what version they saw, but to me 33 did not look like a fun year for JC. That’s why we love Jesus so much, because of all the horrible stuff he went through for us. I don’t want to have any year of my life be nearly as traumatic.

Jesus hero

Although if I could have Jesus’ powers without having to go through all the torturing and crucifixion and stuff, I’d sign up for that.

That being said, I have always felt a connection to the number 33. It was the number my favorite basketball player, Patrick Ewing, wore. It is worn today by Matt Harvey, my favorite current NY Met. #33 was also worn by Jose Canseco, who was one of my favorite baseball players growing up before I was old enough to figure out what a piece of shit he is. Whenever I played sports or created characters in sports games I always wore #33. I still wear 33 on my Sunday morning softball team to this day.

So seeing how 33 is my number, I decided to look into this notion of 33 being the age to be. I started with a google search of “age 33”. I found all of these articles saying how 33 is the age where people are happiest, but that turned out to be bullshit since I found similar articles on the first page for searches of ages 34, 35, 36, 37, and 38. 

Looking further into the number 33 I did find some pretty cool stuff though:

  • The thirty-third year of a person, it is the perfect age, that of the full development. It is at this age that Jesus-Christ was crucified and that Krishna, the god with the 16000 wives and the 180000 sons, died to repurchase the Karma of the humanity
  • David reigned 33 years to Jerusalem
  • The Christ in the Gospels accomplishes 33 miracles
  • Joseph was 33 when he too the Virgin Mary as his wife
  • The Zen books represent us the genius solar surrounded by 33 atmospheric gods
  • Total number of vertebrae of the spinal column of the human body, in which pass 33 pairs of nervous groups
  • Water boils at 33 degrees Celcius
  • According to the Muslim theologian Al-Ghazali the dwellers of Heaven will exist eternally in a state of being age 33
  • 33 is not only a numerical representation of “the Star of David,” but also the numerical equivalent of AMEN: 1+13+5+14=33 (<—-COOL!!!)

Besides the importance of the number itself, here is some cool stuff people accomplished throughout history at age 33:

  • Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly across the Atlantic alone
  • Michelangelo began work on the statue of David
  • Alexander the great conquered most of the known world (1 month shy of 33)
  • Thomas Jefferson wrote The Declaration of Independence
  • Thomas Edison took credit for inventing the light bulb
  • Vaudeville performer Walter Nilsson rode across the United States on an 8 1/2 foot unicycle (<—HOLY CRAP THAT’S AMAZING!!!)

It wasn’t all good for 33 though. There were some negatives:

  • Hitler rose to power in Germany in 1933. This was the same year that the Great Depression reached it’s height in America
  • 33 is one of the symbols for the KKK (K = 11 x 3 = 33)
  • Many believe that the Antichrist (whoever he turns out to be) will rise at age 33
  • Recent studies have shown that most people stop liking new music at age 33 (this may not be so bad actually.

After taking in all of this information I was still on the fence about age 33. That is until I found one more amazing fact about age 33 that completely blew my mind:

UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE!!!

And so, with that I’m very excited about the year to come. Already to begin my 33rd year I have a chance to witness something magical that only occurs once in a millenium. If this event comes to pass I will be fully convinced of the power of the 33rd year.

Mets World Series

COME ON METS. THIS IS MY… I mean OUR YEAR!!!