This week there were many people who were finally given a reason for hope after months of sadness and uncertainty. They saw their savior arise, destined to restore order to the broken realm.
I’m talking of course about Ted Cruz, champion of the Republican Party.
Go back to sleep Jon, Ted’s got this.
The demigod Donald Trump has run roughshod over the GOP in his pursuit of the throne. Like a true American patriot, he has ignored the antiquated rules of engagement and used tactics as unorthodox as his hair to rise through the ranks. What began as a subtle annoyance to the GOP nobility has since grown into a nigh unstoppable force which threatens to doom us all.
There have been many who have attempted to stand in opposition. At the start of the conflict, the GOP threw out hordes of their “finest” soldiers to vanquish the Donald. No fewer than 16 candidates were thought to be up to the task. Santorum, Fiorina, Jindal, Perry, even Jeb of clan Bush all fell at the feet of the beast. Some fought more valiantly than others, employing several interesting strategies along the way.
Ben the Surgeon appeared to use confusion as his tactic of choice. Not sure if he intended to confuse himself or the rest of us the whole time, but maybe that was his plan all along.
Marco the Little attempted to use wit to gain the support of the masses, repeatedly mocking Trump’s small fingers and making ill fated references to his watering gaffe of old lore. A strategy that might have been more successful had Marco possessed a sense of humor… or a personality… or a human, non-robotic brain.
John of Kay-sick? Kay-sitch? or whatever his name is, has used stealth as his weapon. Often times over the past few months we’ve heard whispers of, “Wait, he’s still in this fight?” or “Holy shit, there is another guy in there.” Indeed there was another guy, behaving himself in the shadows, waiting for his opportunity to strike politely.
In the end there was only one man seemingly fit enough to pose a real threat to Trump. Inexplicably, that man was the bastard Ted Cruz (not a bastard in the literal sense, just in the sense that he’s a dick). Cruz was never meant to be the hero of this tale. He is generally loathed by most everyone he has ever been in contact with. Think of it this way, if Trump is the Antichrist, the hope was that Cruz could be the anti-Antichrist.
Cruz began his assault with a stirring victory in the battle of the Iowa caucases. He didn’t do much of shit after that, but with every almost victory he grew more and more confident. His task was made simpler when it was made clear that he didn’t even need to completely defeat Trump on his own. He only needed to weaken Trump enough to force him into a showdown in Cleveland, where the GOP were prepared to summon the fabled “Super-Delegates” to finish the job.
Despite the mounting opposition, Trump grew more and more brash, smugly navigating every obstacle set before him. Every time Trump defied the GOP it was a bigger embarrassment. What began as a mild annoyance over Trump had grown into a full fledged hatred (a hatred only surpassed by their hatred for Ted Cruz). Still, despite their disdain for Trump. not many dared to fully cross him. After all, this man could well be their future ruler. Although some were brave enough to cry out how shitty he is in one breath, they also felt compelled to begrudgingly pledge their support for him in the next.
It was all up to Ted Cruz to turn things around. He had to put a stop to Trump’s onslaught. He was the GOP’s sad, shitty last hope. (This is when we all say “GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, KASICH IS STILL IN?!!”) Alas, things did not go as planned. Cruz’s last stand at the battle of Indiana was a disaster.
First leading up to the battle, John Boehner, former Lord Commander of the House of Representatives, came out and publicly stabbed Cruz in the back.
Then in the early stages of the battle, Carly Fiorina, Cruz’s chosen top lieutenant, fell at his side.
Finally, Trump dealt the apparent deathblow, forcing Cruz and what few supporters he had left into apparent surrender.
But then at the zero hour, when all seemed to be lost, a fire sparked in Ted Cruz unlike anything we’d ever seen before. Throwing caution to the wind, he unleashed a powerful offensive on Trump. He was no longer holding back.
These were the blows Cruz was now lodging toward Trump. He went on to add that Trump is “a pathological liar. He doesn’t know the difference between truth and lies. He lies practically every word that comes out of his mouth.”
This is the fury the people had been waiting for. This was the conflict we’d waited to witness. Though slain in battle, maybe Cruz could somehow rise up out of the ashes and lead the charge to defeat Trump after all. What a tale that would turn out to be. A world renowned piece of shit like Cruz, given a chance at redemption, unites the GOP to rise up and renounce Trump and all his evils once and for all. Songs would be sung of his bravery for generations to come!
Unfortunately, Ted Cruz is not the savior that was promised. He is still a just a piece of shit. After all the insults, and the tantrums, and the tirades against Trump, Cruz was asked this simple question.
“Will you support Donald Trump as the Republican nominee?”
After dodging the question a few times Cruz answered,
“You sound like a broken record, someone else have a question?”
Again he was pressed for an answer,
“I don’t understand why you won’t answer the question, Senator. If you think he’s a liar… If you say he’s a pathological liar, and you say that you can’t…”
“You’ve asked one already, Hallie,” Cruz responded angrily. “You’ve asked already.”
And so, with one last act of cowardice, Cruz exited the struggle once and for all.
Trump’s domination of the Republican party seems to be complete. Only the Democrats can stop him now. Pray for us all.