Buying Time…

Before I begin I must say how much I love the title of this book. It sounds like a bad porno name.

So I just got back from a magical 3 day adventure in beautiful Atlantic City (anyone who has ever been there can appreciate the sarcasm there). I have not logged in since last thursday and I have some catching up to do. So I’ve decided to hit you guys with part 3 of my campaign for my boy Ralphie while I play catch-up.  (Note: still time to send in entries for the Douchebag Awards!)

Dave’s Guide to Election Day: Part 3- Empty Promises Galore
Damnit, I missed a day of campaigning yesterday. In my defense however I did take to the streets with the campaign yesterday. I spread the word of Vote for Nader all over Salmon Run Mall in Watertown yesterday, including talking to people in the movie theater about Nader during the previews. In retrospect I don’t think that was the best time to be talking to everyone, but I had already seen those previews and I was bored. I spoke to at least nine people about why they should “cross over to the green,” (as in green party). Now assuming that at least six of those people were not Canadian, and also weighing in the fact that I told them to tell all of their friends to vote for Nader, I can safely say that’s at least two more votes in the fold. This thing is starting to pick up some steam.

Now you might ask what I would tell these people in the Mall to convince them that Nader is their man. Well, I had a catchy slogan already thanks to the votes I received yesterday. I will be using it to end off this entry. Now all I needed was to share Nader’s vision for a better America with the people. A vision I now share with you.

There are five main points that I believe I really needed to get out there. Here they are in a convenient numbered list:

1) George W. Bush promises to remain steadfast and vigilant in the War against Iraq/Terror or whatever the hell his people are telling him to call it these days. John Kerry wants to win the war on terror by increasing allied support, therefore facilitating the possibility of reducing US ground forces in Iraq. RALPH NADER has a better answer. He will gradually replace the ground force in Iraq with “the Army of those who have been deemed a cancer to society.” This Army will include people we want to see die anyway such as any member of a boy band, Micheal Bolton, Kenny G, the Los Angeles Clippers, Celine Dion, Chuck Norris, and of course Yanni.

2) George W. Bush and John Kerry both claim to have plans to reduce the deficit by 50% in the next four years. RALPH NADER scoffs at these claims as he has meticulously laid out a plan to not only erase the deficit but in fact regain a surplus of 8 trillion dollars by the time his four year term has ended!

3) George W. Bush and John Kerry both plan to cut taxes. Bush has cut taxes for the rich, while giving minimal relief to the lowest 60% of earners, while Kerry plans to lower taxes for the lower end of earners by increasing taxes for the higher end earners. RALPH NADER has a better answer. He proposes an 80% tax cut all across the board, except for Paul Allen, Steve Forbes, the Dell guy, Ted Turner, and Bill Gates. They will all be subject to tax hikes of 9500%. (This also ties in to creating more jobs and erasing the deficit)

4) Medicare- Bush and Kerry both have no fucking clue here. RALPH NADER doesn’t either, but he knows who does. If elected Nader proposes to appoint Bill Cosby as the surgeon general. Dr. Hukstable will surely know what to do!

5) Gay Marriages- Kerry is liberal so he approves, Bush used to be governor of Texas so he can’t approve. RALPH NADER proposes this compromise. Move all the gays and lesbians to Maine, change the state’s name to Gaine, and let them do whatever the hell they want up there. Nobody lives there anyway, and nothing goes on there. The way Nader sees it they’ll really be more Canada’s problem then. Win win for the queers and homophobes.

There you have it people. The Nad-ster has the answers all across the board. He’s better for America, better for the future, and better for the gays. So on November 2nd, make a vote for change. VOTE FOR RALPH NADER; “The other white guy.”

(the views in this entry are not necessarily the views of Ralph Nader, but not necessarily not the views of Ralph Nader either)