And the Winner Is…

Alright guys. The judges votes are in. It was a close and spirited competition. Douchey comments came in from far and wide. It wasn’t easy, but I think the judges made some good choices in the end. May I just say for the record that although there can only be three winners, all of you are douchebags to me.

And now, your featured presentation. The official Xanga Douchebag Award Winners;

Category 1: Just Plain Fucked Up Douchebag Award
This was a close one, but the winner of 300 credits and the empathy of all (is there a lame ass prize giver award, cause I would win) is this comment submitted by Giraffney. (The user who actually made the comment has since shut down his site.);

And I’d greatly appreciate it if you dropped dead.
You’re wasting my oxygen, emo kid.
Posted 6/23/2008 10:37 PM by SehnsuchtundEifersuchtreply

I mean to say drop dead to someone is pretty fucked up. That is what makes this guy an asshole. But to combine that asshole comment with sarcastic politeness is douchiness at it’s very finest (or worst. whatever.) Here is the post it was originally from. You guys should absolutely look at the comments section. It is chock full of douchebag comments. Congratulations to Giraffney on attaracting such a fine class of asshole.

Runner Up: “Oh I am so impressed, you are taking an utterly useless major. I hope you can find a way to get your student loans paid back.”
Submitted by OctavoDia from this post 

Category 2: Religious Nutjob Douchebag Award
This one was no contest. Almost all of the judges voted for this comment in one category or another. This gem was taken from this post by TheTheologiansCafe. Due to the fact that Dan probably has like a million credits already and that I had to look through like a million comments to find this, Dan doesn’t get shit but a thank you and a user tag. Thanks Dan;   

People that choose to be gay are going to Hell. They want everyone they can to be in Hell with them. This is only an attempt to indoctrinate innocent children into the disgusting sinful world of homosexuality.

Then the Lord rained brimstone and fire on Sodom and Gomorrah, from the Lord out of the heavens” Genesis 19:24

These disgusting sinners want the same thing for our children. I don’t know who needs to be punished worse, Muslims or homosexuals? End days almost here, I cannot WAIT to meet Jesus!
10/13/2008 7:12 PM benjimau5 Xanga Premium Member (message) reply

This comment also seemed to be the favorite of most of you who commented on the finalists. It was pretty universally hailed as one of, if not THE worst. In recognition of just how douchey this comment was, I will also be giving a prize to the author of this comment. benjimau5 will receive a free VHS copies of the following films;

Sorest Rump
You’ve Got Male
School of Cock
Ass Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Brown Eye
Brokeback Mountain

He will also receive a copy of the newly released 2009 NYC Firefighter Hunks Calendar!

Runner Up: This one stands alone. It was in a class all alone.

Category 3: Douchebag of the Year Award!
The crown jewel of douchebags. This was a close call, but in the end this comment submitted by BarelyJen (from this post) won out by one vote.;  

“You are so screwed up … How dare you hold your head up high in public and call yourself an American … Under different circumstances it would be amusing to watch all you ppl change your tunes. But it wont be. It will be the saddest thing ever witnessed. And you will be helpless. And the fact that you are proud to be acquainted, associated and related to gays and lesbians just proves my point. You are screwed up. Go drink a bottle of Tabasco sauce through your nose. Or hang yourself. Anything.”
9/26/2008 1:50 PM thisdoesntmakecents (message) reply

Jen will receive 500 credits and bragging rights for ever. Also I will be submitting various ego-stroking comments for Jen all day long. For example: ” BarelyJen is the gold standard to which all of us mere mortal xangans should strive to. I am humbled by her awesomeness.”

Runner Up: The epic 43 paragraph long comment left on this post.

I have read your blog and if you read mine you just might get a glimpse of the real Obama

The genocide of the tribe of Cush is just the tip of the iceberg (so to speak) this man makes what Adolf Hitler did to the Jews tame by comparison.
10/26/2008 9:04 AM bobwentz Xanga Premium Member (message) block delete reply

Please feel free to go ahead and leave old Bob a nice congratulatory message. In fact, everyone should copy Barelyjen’s winning comment (minus the part about gays and lesbians) and paste it on to Bob’s page. I think he is the only one that douchebag comment is actually appropriate for.

Anyway thanks again to all who participated. It was a lot of work, but also a lot of fun. Hope you guys had fun too. Till next year…



  1. Hah, oh my god; I actually know Benjimau5 (I mean, we’ve hung out in San Fran before) and I realize now that he was being sarcastic. FUCK DUDE IF I’D KNOWN IT WAS HIM. That actually makes it ten times as hilarious, though. No, Ben is pretty cool once you realize he just leaves the most random comments around because he’s high off his ass. You can’t be hatin’ on Ben that much, he’s a real charmer once you get to know him. Sort of. Though, unfortunately, I know SehnsuchtundEifersucht too, but he’s just a complete delusional idiot; he’s always threatening to rape various chicks I know in their comments, or bizarre shit like that. He’s a low-level troll at best. Not that trolls are anything special, other than spectacularly annoying in an insignificant kind of way. He had some weird fixation on me for awhile…always sending me odd messages about anarchy and shit. 

  2. I am disappointed, actually. Fun contest, true. Gotta give you props on that, and hopefully it will be an annually recurring event, yes? But the thing is, I can get better content by reading one DMV post. I was really hoping for some shockingly good (bad?) stuff, but the field was just a bunch of inarticulate losers trying to make someone see the reasonableness of their beliefs, and being insensitive in the process. I thought the selections in the first category were the only pure douchebag comments. The others were just sociopolitical drivel by people who don’t know how to have a conversation. I hope it gets better next time you host this competition. A lot of these would have been my first vote in a “retarded comment” competition, but not in this comp.

  3. i liked this contest for several reasons:1.  it was about writing (even stupid or sarcastic comments can be fun.  the douche comment in this contest that was from my site was left just to be funny.  the commentor is a friend of mine that leaves totally nonsensical remarks that my other readers could easily mistake as dickish.  they make me laugh.)2.  it didnt drag on,3.  it didnt drag on,4.  there were no needy egos involved (such a pathetic turn off), and5.  it didnt drag on.Well done Dave.

  4. Wait a minute, so the only specific nutjob award you gave out in your categories…was to religious people? Because clearly they are the only weirdos in society–how did I not get that memo? I mean, it’s not like we’re in an election year or anything and have political weirdos that you could have also used. Nope, those religious people are definitely the dregs of society! 

  5. Sorry I didn’t participate in the contest. Life has been busy lately. After reading some these comments, all I can say is it is definitely easier to make comments like those behind the anonymity of a computer. I wonder if these people would have the conviction to say these things to someone face to face.

  6. BEN WON! BEN WON! 😀 Hahahaha.There was the time someone read one of my posts, then said I sounded like I had autism. Way to insult a total stranger via ignorant defamation of challenged people. Whew.

  7. Congrats to all the weeners.My older brother called one of  his old  teachers “Mrs.Douchebag”…I was to little to know better and I said “Good Morning Mrs.Douchebag” very sweetly to her when we met her.

  8. YAY! I am a douchebag. What do I have to be to be a FUCKING douchebag, because that honor is usually reserved for deans and administrators (subordinates.)I eat other guy’s cum out of  girl’s vaginas. It’s not fag or anything, cause im eating it oout of a vag!

  9. Oh, please mail the porn to benjimau5, 532 laguardia place, #653, NY NY 10012.You sinning hell-bound homosexual sympathizer.

  10. Congratulations to everyone!  I bet it was interesting to go through some of these comments… people can be such assholes sometimes!  But it makes for good reading!!

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