Damn I can’t wait to be old!!!

I can’t wait to be a senior citizen. That is assuming I age gracefully. Being an old geezer is just so full of possibilities. I mean sure I will have to get my prostate checked a whole lot more often,  I will probably become reliant on pills to function, and pooping will become an adventure, but aside from that crap (literally) there are some great perks. There’s the obvious stuff like discounts at the movies, the senior citizen menu at Denny’s, and of course retirement, but then there’s also the not so obvious stuff.

Election day I waited on line for fortyfive minutes to vote (not so bad, but still). I get to the very front and this old lady comes out of nowhere like a geriatric ninja and skips me. She acted like she never even saw the line. Did the people in charge of the booth tell her old ass to get in line? Nope. Then to top it off she had the nerve to take forever in the booth. Did I complain? Nope. 

Another one. The other day I was at an intersection waiting for a light to turn green. Just as the light was getting ready to change an old man starts to cross the street. There he is in the middle of the intersection strolling along, light green over his head, line of cars patiently waiting on his every shuffle. Did anyone honk? Nope. Would he have given a crap if anybody honked? Nope.  That is power my friends. I want that power for myself. 

The other thing that struck me about the old man was his clothes. I’ll start from the head and work my way down. He had brown and tan fishing hat, bifocals, a dark green members only jacket, a bright red shirt, dark blue shorts, bright yellow knee high athletic socks (I wouldn’t even know where to look for those), and the cherry on top (or on the bottom in this case) were his burgundy loafers. This man looked like a walking (well shuffling at least) Jackson Pollack painting. If you had seen his face. It was the picture of serenity. He looked like he didn’t have a care in the world. I want that serenity for myself. “Look at me world! I am wearing bright yellow knee highs and burgundy dress shoes. Deal with it!”… If only.

The thing I really can’t wait to do though is speak my mind whenever I want and to whomever I want. I mean there are plenty of people who claim to do this, but really no one can speak their mind as freely as old people. First off if I tell some jerk kid to shut the fuck up now, there is a good chance that I will have a scrap on my hands. If I am an oldie telling some little asshole to pipe down, that is much less likely to happen. They may ignore me, but damnit it’ll be fun to bitch at them anyway. Then there’s all the crazy shit that I think to myself but never say in public. Or the perverted things I think about women but never say (judge me all you want but I know even women think perverted things about other women in public sometimes). You know like “Geez lady how did you even get into them tight ass jeans?” I am saying it and hiding behind the veil of senility as my defense. Do you have any idea how liberating that will be? I can’t wait I tell you!

Well that’s all I got today. Hope I helped quell some of the fear of aging some of you out there have. I’ll leave you with this sidenote because I want all of you to know that I kick ass…

Sidenote: So yesterday I didn’t post because I was getting ready for a big meeting I had this morning. I had to hold court with all of my company’s VPs and department heads. Knocked that shit out the park and right in time for reviews next month. Hells yeah! Time to celebrate. Break out the Hennessy.   

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34 comments

  1. I actually hang out with a group of senior citizens once a week. We discuss politics, current events, etc. because sadly I have trouble finding ppl my age who can hold down conversation on these topics.But since the combination of global warming, energy demand, and overpopulation will cause the unraveling and meltdown of human civilization in about 30-40 years, I’m definitely going with the “crazed, drugged-out raving prophet of doom” old man theme. I can’t wait. I should start practicing. Gonna go make me a sandwich board.

  2. Cheers! I’m already a dress code violator. My old age is going to be a blast! I pretty much speak my mind now, so I’ll probably be embarassing my adult children in about 20 years with what falls off my tongue word wise.

  3. Last June I was sitting with Tante Ruth in her back yard, having some tea and chatting idly. There were some men working on her roof. One of them was a very nice-looking young man, who had taken off his shirt in the heat. I noticed Tante Ruth smiling. “What are you thinking?” I asked her.”Seventy years ago, if I wanted that, I could have had it.””Tante!””Well, I’m not saying I want it now, I’m just letting my memories warm my old bones.”What could I say for an answer except “Rock on, lady” ?

  4. I’m already working on these things … figuring what have I got to lose … i’ve paid my dues … senior citizenry is several years away … I’m getting in shape … be ready … great post.

  5. Oh, I suspect you’re going to be one of THOSE old people. You know, the ones they put on the far side of the retirement home because he keeps grabbing the nurse’s bottom. Oh yeah. they’ll have “special” medication for you, my friend!

  6. WTG on the meeting this morning!!  I’ll have me some Hennessy with a water back for ya!I cant wait to be old then I can stop carrying a purse and put everything in my bra like my Grandma!

  7. Old age has its perks for some but in my family old age means lunacy. Not the fun kind either. The ‘whoa! time to go home now, grandma has found the scissors again’ kind of crazy. The older my relatives get the more paranoid and angry they get. All of them, even ones that were married in, they all go completely insane. I don’t want to get that old, but another bad part of my family lineage…we live FOREVER unless we get seriously sick and die. My grandmother is pushing 90 something, still walks to the bus everyday just to get out and see the world. My other grandmother lived to 80 something before she died of a stroke. The men usually die around their 50s or 60s but the women live through it all. I’m not looking forward to most of that.

  8. @vanedave – This is too funny!!!Okay so you get in the movies for less…you’re going to fall asleep half way through.  Senior discount at the buffet…you can’t eat 75% of the food.  Did ever have to wait in line or something and you had to use the bathroom really bad…imagine not having the warning signs of this sensation, but hey, you’re in the front.  Yay I got in Disney World for half price…can’t wait to get on that exhilarating monorail.  As for the speak my mind part….ooooohhhh I can’t wait either.

  9. @vanedave – LOL we give them everything they want. After all ‘it’s a woman’s duty to provide for the needs of her husband the things he can not do for himself.’ It’s not our fault they can’t hang. LOL

  10. You are so right on about Old Age being totally awesome! The Husband and I are already planning on the total disruption we are going to visit on “The Home” when we get there. Souped up scooters with band decals and pirate flags, playing our AC/DC and Black Sabbath at ear shattering levels, running a bar out of our rooms … It’s gonna be a blast! One time Elder Son threatened to put me in a “home” and I told him “Somebody else cooks, does the dishes, makes my bed and all that other crap? Hey! I’m packing!” He was not impressed. Hehehehehe … Some of my relatives have gone batshit crazy (the “Do I know you?” kind) as they aged, but I hope I don’t. P.S. Great news about The Big Meeting. You go, Dave. You’re gonna rule the world someday … I just hope you remember us “little people” and don’t put me in a “re-education” camp or something equally nasty …. Heh.

  11. Ahahaha, your description of the old guy crossing the intersection reminds me of a poem that was part of the funeral program years ago for my great aunt.  It was something about “When I am old, I shall wear purple”.  Kind of the same theme – you can get away with doing stuff like that when you are older.  Wearing purple doesn’t seem too daring these days.  I’m sure I’ll think of another daring idea for when I get to be that age!Congrats on your big hit at work yesterday!Kathi

  12. At 48, I am still on the young side of old, which is rapidly approaching! Along with the perks you mentioned, may I mention some of the others?? Ummmm, what was I saying??? lol Yes, memory loss, especially my short term. Must have burned a few too many brain cells in my youth! Makes conversations verrrryyyy interesting. Don’t forget the muscular and body aches and pains. Always a guessing game, never know where it’s gonna be sore when you wake up in the mornings!! The most important one of all is the shortening of my arms! When I was younger, I had  no problem hlding my reading materials at the correct distance. Now that my arms have gotten shorter, it’s becoming increasingly challenging to read things. That meant I got to start collecting cute little reading glasses which are really accessories to my outfits!! Getting old really IS  grand. It sure beats the alternative!

  13. you make being old sounds so good, but despite that i see more bad things.  i mean one is the fact that when your old, it seems you have less to do in life..less goals.  or maybe it’s society that makes it that way.  my parents are always so down..and deppressed.  i guess when i’m old..i’m going to do one thing..NOT MANY would do..because people fear risk.  I’M GOING TO MAKE A BUCKET LIST.  i’m absolutely inspired by the movie, and i guess it wouldn’t hur to do the same.  yep…i guess that’s a huge perk of being old..you won’t care too much what people say anymore..youve done it all.  LOL.

  14. A lot of us do get more relaxed as we age. The biggest problem I have with old age is its proximity to death. I mean, you could get hit by a truck or something any day of your life, but once you’re 80 or so, you KNOW you’re almost dead. Maybe that’s why you just say “fuck it” and wear whatever you want and say what’s on your mind. I’m swearing if I make it to 75 I’ll cease all dieting and eat absolutely whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want. Ice cream and beer for breakfast, ya know? That I’m looking forward to.

  15. ha. This reminds me of my mom. She is forever telling me that she earns her right to be bitchy just by aging. My response is to remind her that she isn’t too much my senior since she had me at such a young age, and of course this means that I get to earn that right at roughly same time she does! (We have a great relaionship. I think the honesty is part of it. haha)

  16. Yes, I can’t wait to advise my grandchildren to ‘fuck a lot of women, not just one, but a lot.’ like the grandpa on coke in little miss sunshine.Also, to make teenage boys do things like carry my groceries.Damn, I will be a badass grandma.

  17. I’m so eager to be old, too. I’ll be a white haired cougar. Not yelling at the teen boys just to get off my lawn but to get off my lawn and into my house.Way to go on the meeting! 🙂

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