Help, My Comments Are Dwindling!

So you start your xanga. You have no friends except Tom (wait wrong site) and that one friend who invited you here. The emptiness of your site seems comporable to the arid Sahara Desert. It is quite the intimidating task you have ahead of you. You make a few posts, comment on a bunch of sites, join every stupid group you come across. Eventually you have friends and this blogging thing starts to take off for you. Then you get featured. People from all over come to your site and sub, and some even come back with regularity to see if you are still worth a read. You reach traffic numbers that you never imagined, even in your wildest “I wish I was as popular as DanTheTheologian” dreams. You are on top of the blogging world!

But then it hits you faster than plummeting Bear Stearns stock. Your comments dwindle and people just don’t seem as interested anymore. Fucking john  and dan  and Justin  apparently have better things to read than your latest rant on abortion. The nerve of them! You start to feel like you are losing everything you worked so hard for. What is one to do? Well luckily I am here to tell you a few things you can do when you feel like you are slipping back into the abyss of being just another unknown xangan (Did that sound condescending? Peons!!!).

Dave’s Emergency Guide to Staying Relevant
Okay I am not gonna reveal all my secrets, but here are a few things you can do when you are getting desperate. And yes this is a list post, which some people (I am not one to name names, but Drakonskyr for one) feel are beneath them. What the fuck ever! How bout I list all the ways you can kiss beneath my ass instead…

1) Host a Contest – This is a great way to get people to your site. By bribing them with prizes. Never mind that these prizes usually suck (minis anyone?), but hey a prize is a prize. Hell I would be psyched to get an autographed picture of Dave Coulier if I won it. 

2) Read the Xanga Team’s Personal Blogs – As painful as that may be, you’ve gotta do it. Read about the fall TV lineup and the latest video games. The entertaining part is actually reading all of the kiss ass comments. Oh speaking of kiss ass comments don’t forget to leave one yourself. 

3) Form Alliances With Other Popular Xangans – That means if they post, you rec, no matter how much it sucks. If they are pissed at someone, you had better have a rant ready the next morning to support. Find them in chat rooms and pull them out to have a side IM chat. Learn all of the inside jokes. If they are going to be within a hundred mile radius of your town, be sure to go meet with them.

4) Take Up a Cause – Prop 8, some sort of rare disease, saving xanga, whatever it may be. You take up that cause and you preach the hell out of it. This will effectively guilt people into comments. Plus people will like you more because you stand for something.

5) Fake Your Xanga Death – When all else fails it’s time to employ this increasingly popular strategy. Tell people you’ve had enough of xanga. You are through. You can’t go on any longer. Write a post entitled “Goodbye Xanga” or “My Lost Post Ever”. Be sure to thank your fans and say how much fun you’ve had. Say something like “I never thought my little blog would ever get as big as it did, but you guys were just so awesome!” Then leave xanga. For two maybe even three days. Come back to a showering of love and semi-sincere sadness. Your ego will instantaneously be repaired.

As an alterrnative to all of this you can always just write better posts, but that would be too hard. The methods I gave you are proven and much easier. So go forth and reclaim your popularity. You dweebs can thank me later.

Sidenote: The first installment of Xanga Mystery Blogger was quite the success. As most of you know by now, I was the first mystery blogger (I figured sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest to see). A lot of people figured this out. One person had me figured the best:
“I also guess Dave.  There is advice, confident opinion, humor and profanity.  That is why I guess Dave.”-  charlottegeely
Brilliant detective work there Charlotte. You should be on CSI or something. That is actually the exact formula I use for all of my entries. On the other hand there are two people who I am putting on blast for not picking me. Two of my favorite people didn’t even recognize me
“I vote authentic_black_dragon.”Shirlann
“So I think the guy in the first picture wrote it.” (I was in the third pic) – TessieLuv

Hear that guys? That’s the sound of my heart breaking. Well I had fun anyway. Next week’s installment will be hosted by BarelyJen. You can always come back here to find it though.

Advertisements

90 comments

  1. OH, I’m sure you’ll get over it. I was distracted by the use of the word “homie” that I’ve NEVER seen you do; but authentic_black_dragon did repeatedly. Now if you’d dropped the f-bomb a few more times, I would have been SURE to vote for you… LOL!No offense, my dear cousin, but this blog totally doesn’t help me. I don’t WANT to be popular on Xanga!! My idea of hell is to get the number of comments TheTheologiansCafe gets on a daily basis, or… worse yet: be featured content! If that ever does accidentally happen to me; well, let’s just say it’s likely I’ll have several entries for the douchiest comment contest. You’re not going to fake your own Xanga death, are you?

  2. Faking a Xanga illness also get’s you comments. Course, when I was in the hospital twice this year I wasn’t faking it. You could always eat raw chicken to get sympathy comments. hehe…wait…don’t.

  3. As one of your adoring sycophants, I’d be highly ashamed of myself if I didn’t rec this, give stars, and add a mini (and polish your shoes).

  4. I didn’t even guess? Where have I been… Oh that’s right, living life. Some very sound advice here… Hope someone has fun using it… I however am fine… just fine. :-b

  5. Dear Dave, I have read your emergency guide and feel so much better about my own little blog.  I do know however that all the list posts, rants, and otherwise feature friendly/popular post are nothing compared to the posts that come from the heart. Our minds can do flips over the heart, but the heart tells the true story every time.

  6. You won’t have to fake your own Xanga death if it’s brought upon you by one of the Xanga team members(me).  That way, when you come back, you’ll have a conspiracy theory, dirt on a Xanga team member and a Xanga death.  Maybe I could shut you down because of what you said about a cause from point 4, that way you’ll have even more stuff to work with.  You’ll be back to the top in no time!  Message me and maybe we can arrange something =P

  7. I signed up to Xanga the night that Obama won. I thought it might be fun to go to a blog community and laugh at all the pissed of republicans. I have since learned that blogging is actually pretty fun, and about more than that. Maybe someday I will get a few followers. You was the first blogger I noticed, and so far the best. Datingish is all over the place, but it sucks anus.  If I couldn’t get ‘known’ without the adds, I wouldn’t bother trying. 

  8. @Hathaway_Lane – then you should just take the hint and go away I guess.@Shirlann – Well I gues I can forgive you. It was a relatively mild post by my standards. I’ve been a lot nicer lately. Actually this post was my most sarcastic post in a while. I took a lot of shots at people here, but I tried to be subtle about it.@iStephanieMarie – so is this catpooish material?@MlleRobillard – thanks. My shoes look great. I can see myself in them.@angi1972 – you are just fine. Who needs xanga when you’ve got giant heads to visit? @five11nation –  lol. thanks dude. Sometimes it takes me longer to think of a title than it does to write the actual post.@Justin – sounds intirguing. And downright diabolical. I like the way you think Justin.@CiaoBella810 – well yea that works, but then my post would have been way too short.Plus I wanted to make fun of people.

  9. @TheBigShowAtUD – @theblackspiderman – Water for everyone!!!@Millsanicole – Mmmm sandwich.@bluehappyass – in all seriousness as long as it’s fun you should keep doing it. I have been on here for five years and it’s only this year that I started getting a lot of traffic. I had fun blogging for my small audience before and I wasn’t involved with xanga enough to go add a million people or blog every day. Still I always came back because I had fun writing. Find what works for you. I said this a while ago in my first featured blog (ironically); being popular does not  necessarily make you good, and being good does not  necessarily make you popular.

  10. Oh no, not declining comments! However shall you survive?  Sorry that I didn’t get to play the first round of “Mystery Blogger”. I have a gazillion subs to read, and then MlleR and I got to talking … and well, you know. Time is limited. Unfortunately. (And I already have an autographed picture of Dave Coulier. Naked. So there.  )Lovely list … Hmmm … I think I’ll Take Up A Cause. Now if only I could think of a good one … Need more coffee …

  11. Do they have a death condolences mini??As I am reading I realized I dont do any of these things…..guess that explains my unpopular blog………….THANK GOD!oh btw just cuz of you I am changing my profile pic!! hahaha

  12. ROFLMAO @ “How bout I list all the ways you can kiss beneath my ass instead…” Man, that just made my morning!  Yeah, that whole writing quality posts with substance thing is highly over-rated. I’d rather leave suck-up minis for the Xanga staff and send private messages to Natalia about how hot she is for giving me a TRUE badge.

  13. beyond mini’s for prizes…try the BFN online store….Chatrooms?  where….BFN toolbar chatroomsYou forget….buy lot’s of toilet paper for the nose cleaning…baby wipes work even better when you need to really kiss up.

  14. I don’t know, Dave…this seems almost like a desperate cry for attention.  It seems to be working though!  Consider yourself priveleged with my attention…for a minute anyway!

  15. hmm.. i was thinking twoce about leaving a comment, and here i am commenting… regarding the post… hmmm… i guess i could really care less of i get feedback or comments because i rarely blog nowadays… except to rant on nothing. every month

  16. I hate when people fake their xanga deaths.What’s the point of commenting on someone’s ‘last entry ever’… if they really want to leave… why would they care how much you’ll miss them. O_O

  17. I want that picture of Dave Coulier signed!  I bet that’s what he wants to do to the Olsen twins now. Oh yeah.  And I know a few people who faked Xanga deaths.  Not that it helped them any!

  18. LOL…dang. You played me out in front of all these nice folks. If it’s any consolation I plan on recc’ing all your posts from here on out to make up for it. Yes? Besides..umm…you’ve got the sexiest website I’ve seen around these parts. Yeah…I’m running out of compliments…

  19. This is quite well done, despite the profanity.  I must confess that your comment on faking a xanga death irked me…because I didn’t.  But I did try to quit and my attempt failed.  I swear I wasn’t faking it!!!!  It’s a long story but I swear I am innocent of a publicity stunt.  I looked inconsistent and stuff, true, but I was totally sincere.  Oooh, I just got a great idea.  What if you started stealing people’s posts!!!!  Oooh!  I bet they’d get so mad.  I bet you’d get tons of comments then.  Perhaps you’d have to change a few things to make it seem like a coincedence and you might get kicked off….but still, that would be a riot!  I don’t like the contests very much.  They’re okay, I guess….  It’s just not my thing.

  20. @charlottegeely – well the profanity is just so you’d know you were in the right place. As for the faking, that jab was really more at wherethefishlives, although I know I teased you about your recent failed attempt at quitting. lol. I know you wouldn’t do anything like that for attention.And apparently, there are some people out there who have stolen people’s posts. I haven’t come across it yet, but I’ve heard of it happening before. I would imagine that would piss some poeple off.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s