So you start your xanga. You have no friends except Tom (wait wrong site) and that one friend who invited you here. The emptiness of your site seems comporable to the arid Sahara Desert. It is quite the intimidating task you have ahead of you. You make a few posts, comment on a bunch of sites, join every stupid group you come across. Eventually you have friends and this blogging thing starts to take off for you. Then you get featured. People from all over come to your site and sub, and some even come back with regularity to see if you are still worth a read. You reach traffic numbers that you never imagined, even in your wildest “I wish I was as popular as DanTheTheologian” dreams. You are on top of the blogging world!
But then it hits you faster than plummeting Bear Stearns stock. Your comments dwindle and people just don’t seem as interested anymore. Fucking john and dan and Justin apparently have better things to read than your latest rant on abortion. The nerve of them! You start to feel like you are losing everything you worked so hard for. What is one to do? Well luckily I am here to tell you a few things you can do when you feel like you are slipping back into the abyss of being just another unknown xangan (Did that sound condescending? Peons!!!).
Dave’s Emergency Guide to Staying Relevant
Okay I am not gonna reveal all my secrets, but here are a few things you can do when you are getting desperate. And yes this is a list post, which some people (I am not one to name names, but Drakonskyr for one) feel are beneath them. What the fuck ever! How bout I list all the ways you can kiss beneath my ass instead…
1) Host a Contest – This is a great way to get people to your site. By bribing them with prizes. Never mind that these prizes usually suck (minis anyone?), but hey a prize is a prize. Hell I would be psyched to get an autographed picture of Dave Coulier if I won it.
2) Read the Xanga Team’s Personal Blogs – As painful as that may be, you’ve gotta do it. Read about the fall TV lineup and the latest video games. The entertaining part is actually reading all of the kiss ass comments. Oh speaking of kiss ass comments don’t forget to leave one yourself.
3) Form Alliances With Other Popular Xangans – That means if they post, you rec, no matter how much it sucks. If they are pissed at someone, you had better have a rant ready the next morning to support. Find them in chat rooms and pull them out to have a side IM chat. Learn all of the inside jokes. If they are going to be within a hundred mile radius of your town, be sure to go meet with them.
4) Take Up a Cause – Prop 8, some sort of rare disease, saving xanga, whatever it may be. You take up that cause and you preach the hell out of it. This will effectively guilt people into comments. Plus people will like you more because you stand for something.
5) Fake Your Xanga Death – When all else fails it’s time to employ this increasingly popular strategy. Tell people you’ve had enough of xanga. You are through. You can’t go on any longer. Write a post entitled “Goodbye Xanga” or “My Lost Post Ever”. Be sure to thank your fans and say how much fun you’ve had. Say something like “I never thought my little blog would ever get as big as it did, but you guys were just so awesome!” Then leave xanga. For two maybe even three days. Come back to a showering of love and semi-sincere sadness. Your ego will instantaneously be repaired.
As an alterrnative to all of this you can always just write better posts, but that would be too hard. The methods I gave you are proven and much easier. So go forth and reclaim your popularity. You dweebs can thank me later.
Sidenote: The first installment of Xanga Mystery Blogger was quite the success. As most of you know by now, I was the first mystery blogger (I figured sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest to see). A lot of people figured this out. One person had me figured the best:
“I also guess Dave. There is advice, confident opinion, humor and profanity. That is why I guess Dave.”- charlottegeely
Brilliant detective work there Charlotte. You should be on CSI or something. That is actually the exact formula I use for all of my entries. On the other hand there are two people who I am putting on blast for not picking me. Two of my favorite people didn’t even recognize me
“I vote authentic_black_dragon.” – Shirlann
“So I think the guy in the first picture wrote it.” (I was in the third pic) – TessieLuv
Hear that guys? That’s the sound of my heart breaking. Well I had fun anyway. Next week’s installment will be hosted by BarelyJen. You can always come back here to find it though.