Obama and Al Qaeda (edited)

Last week a tape was released in which Al Qaeda # 2 Ayman Al-Zawahiri called president-elect Barack Obama a “house negro”. Al-Zawahiri goes on to add “You represent the direct opposite of honorable black Americans such as Malik al-Shabbazzm or Malcolm X.” Now these comments, while egregiously disrespectful, should not be taken too seriously. Let me explain why.

Before I get into why these comments are actually laughable, I want to share two different reactions to the “house negro” remark (*and give a shout-out to my muse for this entry, MlleRobillard, who first told me about this). First I told a co-worker of mine on Friday and she responded, “What! They’ve gone too far this time. That is just wrong.” To which I laughed and replied, “yeah, I mean the whole World Trade Center thing was bad, but this is just fucked up.” She’s a bit melodramatic at times. On the flipside there was my cousin’s reaction. He decided to downplay the incident by saying, “at least they didn’t call him a nigger.” I have to admit that made me laugh.

Now lets get down to what I think. First off, lets examine why I think they did this. Many of the experts are saying that Al-Qaeda is trying to strengthen it’s recruiting within America by promoting a racial divide between Obama and his own people. They want Muslims (particularly black Muslims) in America to see Barack Obama as their enemy. Let me just say right now that if Al Qaeda thinks they can turn black people against Barack Obama right now, they’ve got another thing coming to them. They’ve got a better chance right now of turning black people against Jay-Z. And we love Jay-Z!

The bigger picture I believe is about the war. Obama has repeatedly promised to end the war in Iraq and this is not good news for Al Qaeda. The Iraq War has been a huge boost for Al Qaeda. They do not want to see it end. When I heard of this name calling, it just reeked of desperation to me. I envisioned some emergency Al-Qaeda meeting taking place soon after the election;

Bin Laden: Okay everyone. Thanks for coming. Before I begin, did everyone get their names for our Eid secret snowflake gift exchange? Remember we all agreed to a 50 dollar limit. I am looking at you Al Masri.
Al Masri: A thousand apologies Osama. I just knew that Al-Fahrouq really wanted an Ipod. If I had known the infidels were going to capture him this year then I would have kept it for myself!
(A hearty laugh is shared by all.)
Bin Laden:
Okay, okay down to business. Let’s begin. Death to America everyone.
All: Death to America Osama.
Bin Laden: So as we all know Barack Obama was elected president of the United States a few weeks ago.
(one lower level member foolishly applauds. After a brief moment of awkward silence, he is promptly shot.)
Bin Laden:
Well that was awkward. Someone make a note that we need to find someone new to take over the newsletter. Okay where was I? Ahh yes. Obama. This is not good news for us people. He has promised to end the war.
Zarqawi: Yes but didn’t George Bush promise similar things? The war will surely never end.
Bin Laden: For some reason I believe this Obama when he claims he will end the war. He has something that Bush doesn’t have. I can’t quite put my finger on it…
Zarqawi: A brain?
Bin Laden: Yes a brain. That’s it.
Saad Al-Sharif: But we can’t let the war end. We just can’t. I have not even gotten to kill any infidels yet. I have only ordered them to be killed. It’s just not fair.
Bin Laden: That is precisely why I called this meeting. We must ensure that Obama does not end this war. Any ideas?
Attash Khallad: Why don’t we just bomb something?
Bin Laden: No. That would be fun but it could backfire. After the World Trade Center all the world hated us. We are just lucky George Bush found a way to ruin it for his country. We need something else.
Abu Hafs: I have been learning photoshop. I can have pictures made of you and Obama shaking hands, or hugging or something. Then I’ll send them to Fox News. Maybe we can get Obama out of office.
Bin Laden: No, Fox News has already exhausted the Obama is a terrorist angle. It didn’t work. By the way did everyone see the fruit basket Sean Hannity sent us? Wasn’t it beautiful?
(various forms of agreement are heard throughout the room)
Al Zawahiri:
I’ve got something. Well he is black right? What if we make him look like a bitch in public. If he’s really black then that should make him obligated to try and kick our ass. That way if he ended the war everyone would know he was a bitch. He’d have no choice but to keep the war going. That is unless he wanted people to think he was a bitch.
Bin Laden: I like it. But how are we going to make him sound like a bitch? We can’t just call him a bitch. We are Al Qaeda. We’ve got standards to adhere to.
Al Zawahiri: What if we call him a “house negro“. That would piss me off if I was a black man. It’s actually worse than just calling him a bitch. It’s basically calling a black man the white man’s bitch. 
All: OOOOOOHHHHH.
Bin Laden: I love it! That is why you are my number 2 man Al-Zawahiri. Outside the box thinking like that. All in favor of this plan say Yay.
(the vast majority in attendance shout yay)
Bin Laden:
All opposed say nay.
(one lower level member says nay. After a brief moment of awkward silence he is taken away to be beheaded.)
Bin Laden:
Okay. Take note, we need a new treasurer. The yays have it. Al Zawahiri get to work on that plan. The rest of you, thank you for coming. Don’t forget we are only two months away from our annual Dick Cheney birthday bash. Dick is turning 68 this year so remember no sneaking up on him. Death to America everyone.
All: Death to America Osama!

So that is my theory on why these ridiculous comments came about. This is why I laughed when I heard it. If I am Obama I am taking this as good news. It shows that the terrorists do not like me and it shows that they are desperate enough to reduce themselves to name calling. 

Thanks for stopping by. Don’t forget tomorrow is Tuesday, which means Xanga Mystery Blogger. Come back and check it out.  

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112 comments

  1. You, sir, are a brilliant, twisted genius, and it’s a good thing for the world that we’re both already taken, because I’d bear your children and unleash a plague of irreverence upon the world! (Huge hug).

  2. I love your imagination.  Who would think of something like this!  I sometimes get comic strips in my head with certain situations, but this takes the cake!So right you are my friend (oops did I sound like McCain?, my bad!)

  3. cute imaginary dialog. but i disagree with your reasoning for the insults. i think Al-Qaeda would love nothing more than for American troops to pack their bags and leave- they see us as infringing on their stranglehold of tyranny in the Middle East. if we succeed in creating Iraq into a democratic state and stable ally (as is the current goal) then they not only lose the cooperation of Iraqis and the Iraqi government in their terroristic plots for the future- but they must deal with the surveilance and presence of allied forces there just as was the case in Berlin after WWII against the USSR. I think very much this is the work of reverse psychology in their insult- Obama desires a better image of America in the world- if his administration is perceived to be “aggressive” like it was under Bush’s then he’ll be much more likely to withdraw in order to appear peaceable- which of course the world will applaud in the short term- but in the long term it could mean giving Al-Qaeda the chance it needs to build strength and gain possibly the right allies such as Russia to launch its next assault on the West. So what do they do? They insult Obama to make him feel like a whipped dog and create the false dilemma that if he seeks justice in the Middle East by finishing up the work in Iraq and Afganistan he’s just like the administration he just ousted and if he tucks tail and pulls our troops out then he’s exactly what they just called him. It’s a dirty trick on their part, but a smart move.Furthermore- while traditional Islam is racist against black folk- one need only read the Quran and Hadith to gather that understanding- with Muhammad himself referring to his African slaves as “raisinheads,” blacks are by far the fastest growing demographic in America for Islam- however most are growing under the cult known as the Nation of Islam. indeed, Saudis are using their influence in US prisons to incite black inmates to vengence against their “white oppressors” as we speak. While terrorists may have a low opinion of Africans- they do not hesitate to use them as pawns.All this is just theoretical based on my research and understanding of Islam thus far, I could be wrong, but this is what I understand of current events based on what I know.

  4. ladies and gentlemen, vanedave really works for the CIA!!!ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  man, that was hysterical.i could just imagine a comedy skit with your scenario.  but then again, this all came from the creativity of a comedian 

  5. i promise to read this when i’m not exhausted.until then, you were hilarious, Saturday.  sorry you couldn’t meet up with us, after, but good for you doing another show.  we’ll have to catch you, again, sometime.  good times.

  6. @CiaoBella810 – hey i didnt know Dave had a show!hey you Dave i didnt know you had a show!  what’s it about?  by the way this is one of those “laugh-out-loud-in-your-office-while-everyone-around-you-wonders-WHAT-THE-HELL” posts.  keep them coming please!

  7. @weedorwildflower – you probably know more about eid than some of the others. Glad you liked.@Millsanicole – thanks mills. I had fun with this one.@beli_grrl – @AlterEgo909 – @lyricsninja – @SladeTheGreyFox –  @kellychicky – @elelkewljay – @ALovingAdversary – @In_Reason_I_Trust – Thanks so much guys. I am really glad you all enjoyed.@TheBigShowAtUD – No doubt. I am sure you are tired after your tour of the northeast. I wanna see the pic from Saturday.@edlives –  thanks for stopping by ed. @SnippiesBlog – Oh stop it. You’re making me blush.@CiaoBella810 – Maybe I’ll do a show for you when you are in town. That would be cool.@angi1972 – come back anytime ang.@MyxlDove – I probably shouldn’t be joking about this either.@Rveblade – lol. I hate that guy.@jewjewbeedragon – you didn’t sound like John McCain till you mentioned it. lol.@AMOURxDEMAVIE – I do stand-up. I got to perform for a couple of xangans on Saturday. It was fun.And I will keep the WHAT-THE-HELL posts coming if you keep reading.

  8. @PreciousOnyx – You do realize that there was NO connection between Al Qaeda and Iraq before we invaded, right? The Osama bin Laden had called Sadam Hussein and infidel and wanted him overthrown. It was only after the United States invaded and completely destablilized the region that Al Qaeda started backing terrorism in Iraq. Bush and Cheney both tried to use a tie between Hussein and bin Laden as justification for the invasion, however, it turned out to be a false accusation.

  9. @bosefius – I’m not saying the two were connected- I’m speaking in terms of how Al-Qaeda operates in regards to why they may have said what they did about Obama. Regardless of Al-Qaeda’s opinion of Hussein, they do consider Iraq territory for Islam and view America as a hostile presence- and they want us out before we succeed in repairing Iraq so they can infiltrate and exercise their influence in Iraq. As to America destabilizing Iraq- it’s in better shape now than it was before it was invaded- kids are playing in the streets and the country is working toward building up its government and police force in order to take over as America leaves.

  10. Amazing post. That’s about the way I thought of it. Although your’s is funnier. I’m sure racist rednecks will be more likely to go along with the “house negro” comment than blacks.p.s. I hate Jay-Z

  11. OMG, I was practically on the floor, reading the “transcript” of the Bin Laden meeting!  You are funny and clever!  Wow, that was one meeting where you want to be a “Yes Man”!  Kathi

  12. that conversation completely made my week.part of me wants to print this out and add it to my”things that will forever make me happy” notebook.kudos,

  13. Absolutely hilarious.  Thanks for the good laugh.  Honestly, Al Qaeda is starting to sound like the nerd kid that comes up with the stupid comebacks when he’s getting picked on.  I should know, since I was that nerd kid back in the day.  Cave life hasn’t been good for their PR skills.

  14. That was hilarious. xD. After they said that broadcast, I thought.. well finally some good news: the terrorists don’t like him, either.Though they’re pretty damn dumb to not even give him a chance, when he wants to stop the war (in Iraq, on the basis we can’t afford to continue it, indefinitely and without a specific objective) altho he does wanna go where most people believe Osama & Friends actually are.I have to agree though, I don’t think they get that American muslims aren’t into the whole bomb in a box, plane plowing, live- like- a -caveman -with- an -AK-47 and a case of Degree anti-perspirant (Strong enough for infidels, made for Osama!) at your side lifestyle… and black ones would be the last ones to be divided against Obama (besides, he passed all the black tests, so far as I know, so they’re a little late on the draw there).Anyhoo… class A entertainment, lol.

  15. Wow. So let me get this straight, the Iraq war has been a boost for Al Qaeda because of what now? Last time I checked they seem to have lost 4 of their Head bigshot idiots. That’s not even including Saddam and his sons. Lets not forget the millions they killed. I know we’ve lost troops and it’s sad. However 900 people have been killed by landmines in the Phillipines. There’s not even a war going on there.900 of our best and bravest fighting for a CAUSE (freedom) and losing their lives or 900 people dying because they got too close to the heroine farms in the Phillipines, which one is worse?Want to know what the real boost is for Al Qaeda? Foreign oil since they control all of it. That’s a problem considering America needs oil and we now have a new Government that has no problem with giving foreign oil tons of money. Mr Obama said he’ll fix the economy crisis but he never really mentioned anything about getting off foreign oil. He’s never mentioned anything remotely close to doing something about terrorism either.One is thing is for sure – The next four years should be rather enlightening.

  16. there is one amazingly wrong assumption with your entire dialogue that makes it impossible for anyone to even consider taking your theory seriously:  the assumption that al qaeda believes obama has a brain.  al qaeda has publicly said before that they don’t consider any american to have any good qualities (that includes intelligence) and seeing as there’s absolutely NO public record of obama actually having intelligence, they have no basis to believe he does.  almost half of the american population doesn’t think he has a brain either, so what makes you think al qaeda would.  all they see in obama is a guy who won’t crack down on him, so of course they’re going to be insulting and rude with words because it’s basically completely safe.  what is obama going to do?  negotiate them to death?  yeah right. 

  17. @PreciousOnyx – Interesting observations. I am inclined to agree with you.The entire scenarion in Iraq reminds me of Vietnam. Based upon my research, this was a war, I believe that could have been won by the Americans. Yet due to a decline of popular support and what not, strategies involving the Vietnam conflict changed. Thereby resulting in the eventual removal of U.S. troops and giving the opposition a free shot to the south Vietnamese with out much resistance or challenge. I fear that the same shall come to pass in the Middle East. Though I am opposed to the war and America being in the Middle East, I support the men and women fighting over there. I just do not want the lives that were spent to be in vain.

  18. hahaha… Saw this on the Xanga front page and was curious exactly what this was going to be about. LoL Quite comical. Thanks… I needed that to start my Tuesday! :o) I’d love to see some cartoon strips to go along with this. haha

  19. Name calling is a VERY typical Islamist response to not being able to win an argument with logic.  It’s particularly laughable both because Osama is as white as he is black so not a divisor among races in the U.S. but also because of what the terrorists are so upset about that they’ve lost all intellect and have resorted to this.  Prior to his election, said fairly often that he’d like to engage the various terrorist leaders and leaders of terrorism sponsering nations in debate as much as other leaders.  War issues aside – though not to be negated – the terrorist heads LIKED that.  It meant someone was finally regarding them with a modicrum of tolerance and respect.  It meant that maybe, just maybe, Obama might be on their side.  I would be at all surprised if he even received funding for his election from some of them.  That little ape of a man, Amadinjad, the president of Iran, was so excited that he was among the first to send a letter of congratulation to Obama.  I’d have liked to have seen his face though when one of the first things Obama said about Iran upon being elected was that, yes he’d like to talk to Iran’s leaders, but no a terrorism-sponsering nuclear Iran was NOT an acceptable option and WOULD be dealt with as need be.  LOL!  I’ll bet he’s ranting about that one!

  20. He should have said “pretty” or something. It would have made his point. President Obama is not a rebel leader like the others he mentioned.  I guess I understand why. I mean, obviously, this man is distraught over the invaders that never leave his little chuck of desert alone.  He should spend all that money he gets for his terrorists on alternative fuels.  I guess he thinks he will use that fuel to build himself, little does he remember he can’t grow until the wars, both holy and damned stop…

  21. Hehe! I wonder why they do that anyway. It’s like people not only expect Obama to fail, but the people in Afghanistan started thinking what my dad thought: he’ll make the same mistake as all the white people in Congress, or the Government office.

  22. actually, they just despise obama because he has rejected his muslim heritage (in their koran, any male whose father is muslim is muslim…any muslim male who rejects islam and converts to another religion is to be killed)

  23. Lets face it the president elect is not a “House Negro”! He is by definition:  a-representative-of-the-house, soon to –be-living-in-the- White-House, soon-to-be-raising-the-roof –and-then-bringing-down-said-house, individual-of-African-and-America- decent.Al Quadea didn’t do any worse then the Germans with their headline that loosely translated to Uncle Obama’s Cabin.???

  24. Unfortunately, the enemy is not so foolish. The “house negro” term was borrowed from Malcolm X, and while al-Qaeda realizes they will never turn large groups against Obama. The fact that Bin Laden didn’t make the tape suggest westerners are not the attended audience. After all how many Americans listen to the tape? However, al-Qaeda is better at realizing other people besides the intended audience will hear it. The main goal was to keep Bin Laden’s supporters from going soft on America, and to keep Muslims from believing Obama’s vague message of hope, means the US, is not their enemy any more. There is not much chance of mass defections on either side, but keeping movement from the moderate opposition of America, towards, maybe they aren’t so bad as they should die, is the main goal here. Besides using the term “house negro”, gets attention.also, al-Zarqawi is dead, as well as Abu Hafs, and Attash is in GITMO.

  25. What a load of crap.Obama has ties to FARRAKHAN, PFleger, Ayers and Jeremiah Wright, who are all men who hate America. I’m sure Al Qaeda was elated to hear the B HUSSEIN obama won! They probably spent a lot of money getting him elected! – We know it took some big bucks to get Hillary out of the way, she had an iron grip on the election.

  26. That is freaking hilarious. You are awesome!Did you know that Nikola Sarkosi (I have no idea how to spell his name, the guy in charge of Italy) said that Obama was very nice and very tan.  Ha ha ha ha ha!  So George W isn’t the only idiot on the world stage!

  27. @PreciousOnyx – they hate us but they love the money and guns they somehow get their hands on.I’m sure obama has been called MUCH MUCH worst than a “house nergo” so I doubt he will bomb them to the ground.obama doesnt seem like the type to get offended by name calling, if anything it should empower him that they are trying to down play the power he now has.that’s my opinion.xo

  28. Very clever post my friend. You touched on some really intriguing points. I wouldn’t be surprised if all that were true. Besides, public name calling is basically an excuse for some inadequacy anyway. 

  29. Ohh,  I love your “emergency meeting”.. foolish applause LOL.Al-Qaeda fails to realize that Obama is one of the most dignified Americans to have ever run for political office,  I am confident that he will continue to transcend their negativity. 

  30. (one lower level member foolishly applauds. After a brief moment of awkward silence, he is promptly shot.)”sadly, I’d have to admit…I did laugh out loud after reading that.

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