Last week a tape was released in which Al Qaeda # 2 Ayman Al-Zawahiri called president-elect Barack Obama a “house negro”. Al-Zawahiri goes on to add “You represent the direct opposite of honorable black Americans such as Malik al-Shabbazzm or Malcolm X.” Now these comments, while egregiously disrespectful, should not be taken too seriously. Let me explain why.
Before I get into why these comments are actually laughable, I want to share two different reactions to the “house negro” remark (*and give a shout-out to my muse for this entry, MlleRobillard, who first told me about this). First I told a co-worker of mine on Friday and she responded, “What! They’ve gone too far this time. That is just wrong.” To which I laughed and replied, “yeah, I mean the whole World Trade Center thing was bad, but this is just fucked up.” She’s a bit melodramatic at times. On the flipside there was my cousin’s reaction. He decided to downplay the incident by saying, “at least they didn’t call him a nigger.” I have to admit that made me laugh.
Now lets get down to what I think. First off, lets examine why I think they did this. Many of the experts are saying that Al-Qaeda is trying to strengthen it’s recruiting within America by promoting a racial divide between Obama and his own people. They want Muslims (particularly black Muslims) in America to see Barack Obama as their enemy. Let me just say right now that if Al Qaeda thinks they can turn black people against Barack Obama right now, they’ve got another thing coming to them. They’ve got a better chance right now of turning black people against Jay-Z. And we love Jay-Z!
The bigger picture I believe is about the war. Obama has repeatedly promised to end the war in Iraq and this is not good news for Al Qaeda. The Iraq War has been a huge boost for Al Qaeda. They do not want to see it end. When I heard of this name calling, it just reeked of desperation to me. I envisioned some emergency Al-Qaeda meeting taking place soon after the election;
Bin Laden: Okay everyone. Thanks for coming. Before I begin, did everyone get their names for our Eid secret snowflake gift exchange? Remember we all agreed to a 50 dollar limit. I am looking at you Al Masri.
Al Masri: A thousand apologies Osama. I just knew that Al-Fahrouq really wanted an Ipod. If I had known the infidels were going to capture him this year then I would have kept it for myself!
(A hearty laugh is shared by all.)
Bin Laden: Okay, okay down to business. Let’s begin. Death to America everyone.
All: Death to America Osama.
Bin Laden: So as we all know Barack Obama was elected president of the United States a few weeks ago.
(one lower level member foolishly applauds. After a brief moment of awkward silence, he is promptly shot.)
Bin Laden: Well that was awkward. Someone make a note that we need to find someone new to take over the newsletter. Okay where was I? Ahh yes. Obama. This is not good news for us people. He has promised to end the war.
Zarqawi: Yes but didn’t George Bush promise similar things? The war will surely never end.
Bin Laden: For some reason I believe this Obama when he claims he will end the war. He has something that Bush doesn’t have. I can’t quite put my finger on it…
Zarqawi: A brain?
Bin Laden: Yes a brain. That’s it.
Saad Al-Sharif: But we can’t let the war end. We just can’t. I have not even gotten to kill any infidels yet. I have only ordered them to be killed. It’s just not fair.
Bin Laden: That is precisely why I called this meeting. We must ensure that Obama does not end this war. Any ideas?
Attash Khallad: Why don’t we just bomb something?
Bin Laden: No. That would be fun but it could backfire. After the World Trade Center all the world hated us. We are just lucky George Bush found a way to ruin it for his country. We need something else.
Abu Hafs: I have been learning photoshop. I can have pictures made of you and Obama shaking hands, or hugging or something. Then I’ll send them to Fox News. Maybe we can get Obama out of office.
Bin Laden: No, Fox News has already exhausted the Obama is a terrorist angle. It didn’t work. By the way did everyone see the fruit basket Sean Hannity sent us? Wasn’t it beautiful?
(various forms of agreement are heard throughout the room)
Al Zawahiri: I’ve got something. Well he is black right? What if we make him look like a bitch in public. If he’s really black then that should make him obligated to try and kick our ass. That way if he ended the war everyone would know he was a bitch. He’d have no choice but to keep the war going. That is unless he wanted people to think he was a bitch.
Bin Laden: I like it. But how are we going to make him sound like a bitch? We can’t just call him a bitch. We are Al Qaeda. We’ve got standards to adhere to.
Al Zawahiri: What if we call him a “house negro“. That would piss me off if I was a black man. It’s actually worse than just calling him a bitch. It’s basically calling a black man the white man’s bitch.
Bin Laden: I love it! That is why you are my number 2 man Al-Zawahiri. Outside the box thinking like that. All in favor of this plan say Yay.
(the vast majority in attendance shout yay)
Bin Laden: All opposed say nay.
(one lower level member says nay. After a brief moment of awkward silence he is taken away to be beheaded.)
Bin Laden: Okay. Take note, we need a new treasurer. The yays have it. Al Zawahiri get to work on that plan. The rest of you, thank you for coming. Don’t forget we are only two months away from our annual Dick Cheney birthday bash. Dick is turning 68 this year so remember no sneaking up on him. Death to America everyone.
All: Death to America Osama!
So that is my theory on why these ridiculous comments came about. This is why I laughed when I heard it. If I am Obama I am taking this as good news. It shows that the terrorists do not like me and it shows that they are desperate enough to reduce themselves to name calling.
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