So yesterday I set the record straight as far as my manhood is concerned. (By the way you guys left some wonderful comments. I’m glad you guys were feeling me on that one.) I now feel comfortable completing this assignment. This is for Featured_Grownups and my pal Krissy_Cole (I love her).
May I call you Santa or do you prefer Mr. Claus? How about Kris or Nick? Let’s just stick with Santa. So its been a little while since my last letter. Sorry about that. I’ve been super busy over the last 16 or 17 years. I mean if you were busy like I was busy then you would understand. So before I get into the good stuff (my Christmas list) there are a few things I wanted to address.
First off what’s all this talk I’ve been hearing about you not being real. I mean come on that’s just ridiculous. If you aren’t real then who am I writing this letter to huh? Explain that one to me. I mean society has just become so cynical Santa. There are so many skeptics trying to bring you down. So please just answer these questions for me so I can shut them up once and for all;
– How do you get into houses with no chimney? I’ve always gone with the theory that you make a fireplace and chimney appear and disappear, but I could be wrong.
– How do you make it to every house in one night? Okay is this a pause in the time space continuum thing or what?
– What’s your favorite Christmas song/movie? This one is just for my personal curiosity.
– Is your workshop at the North Pole underground or is it just invisible to the naked eye?
– Do you give gifts to adults who are truly kids at hear or do you only give gifts to real kids? I’ve got my fingers crossed on this one!
Thanks in advance for answering those. It should really help when I am defending your existence. Now about some of these mall Santas. Look I don’t know if you are aware, but the average quality of these guys has been dropping. Maybe you should go to court on this one and make sure that all mall Santas have to meet certain contractual standards. I do legal work. I might be able to help you out with this one. Have your people call my people.
Okay now for the list. Now remember it’s been 16 years since my last letter so I have some makeup presents to account for…
1993: Sega Genesis. I ended up getting one a year or two later, but I have long since lost it. I want one again.
1994: A Golden Retriever Puppy – I’ve always wanted one, but my dad didn’t like dogs that shed.
1995: Uncanny X-Men # 1 – If you can pull this one off that would be pretty sweet.
1996: Sony Playstation – I always wanted a PS1. Never got it though.
1997: Mortal Kombat Trilogy – I wanted this game so bad. If you bring me the PS1 get me the game for that console.
1998: Autographed Picture of Michael Jordan’s last shot in Utah – You know MJ right? Make it happen.
1999: Life Insurance – Just in case the whole Y2K thing wasn’t a crock of shit.
2000: A date with Halle Berry – I always wanted this Santa. If you get me one thing on this list let it be this.
2001: A million dollars – It was for college Santa. You want me to be smart right?
2002: A new car – Well I have a car now, but if you are feeling extra generous a new Acura TL would be nice. See I picked a relatively modest car so as not to be greedy.
2003: World Peace – This was my naive phase.
2004: A new coach and GM for the Knicks – Okay you can cross this one off. It took a while but I think we’re okay here.
2005: A ticket home – I was in the army in Watertown (eew gross). I’m home now so thanks.
2006: Inspector Gadget’s Car – The one where the boot comes out the front. Oh the idiot kids I could use that on in my neighborhood. GET THE HELL OUT OF THE STREET!
2007: Tickets to Paris – Okay so this one is more for my woman. She really wants to go Santa.
2008: A safe and happy holiday for all of my xanga friends – That is all I want this year. Oh and Rock Band 2 (complete set)
Okay that’s all I got. Time for you to get to work buddy. Nice catching up with you though. I’ll leave the milk and cookies out like old times, but if they are gone you can blame my little brother (that little shit always used to eat your cookies). If you are mad then you can just give me his presents. Good luck this year!