My Letter to Santa (for KC)

So yesterday I set the record straight as far as my manhood is concerned. (By the way you guys left some wonderful comments. I’m glad you guys were feeling me on that one.) I now feel comfortable completing this assignment. This is for Featured_Grownups and my pal Krissy_Cole (I love her).

Dear Santa,

May I call you Santa or do you prefer Mr. Claus? How about Kris or Nick? Let’s just stick with Santa. So its been a little while since my last letter. Sorry about that. I’ve been super busy over the last 16 or 17 years. I mean if you were busy like I was busy then you would understand. So before I get into the good stuff (my Christmas list) there are a few things I wanted to address.

First off what’s all this talk I’ve been hearing about you not being real. I mean come on that’s just ridiculous. If you aren’t real then who am I writing this letter to huh? Explain that one to me. I mean society has just become so cynical Santa. There are so many skeptics trying to bring you down. So please just answer these questions for me so I can shut them up once and for all;
– How do you get into houses with no chimney? I’ve always gone with the theory that you make a fireplace and chimney appear and disappear, but I could be wrong.
– How do you make it to every house in one night? Okay is this a pause in the time space continuum thing or what?
– What’s your favorite Christmas song/movie? This one is just for my personal curiosity.
– Is your workshop at the North Pole underground or is it just invisible to the naked eye? 
– Do you give gifts to adults who are truly kids at hear or do you only give gifts to real kids? I’ve got my fingers crossed on this one!

Thanks in advance for answering those. It should really help when I am defending your existence. Now about some of these mall Santas. Look I don’t know if you are aware, but the average quality of these guys has been dropping. Maybe you should go to court on this one and make sure that all mall Santas have to meet certain contractual standards. I do legal work. I might be able to help you out with this one. Have your people call my people.

Okay now for the list. Now remember it’s been 16 years since my last letter so I have some makeup presents to account for…
1993: Sega Genesis. I ended up getting one a year or two later, but I have long since lost it. I want one again.
1994: A Golden Retriever Puppy – I’ve always wanted one, but my dad didn’t like dogs that shed.
1995: Uncanny X-Men # 1 – If you can pull this one off that would be pretty sweet.
1996: Sony Playstation – I always wanted a PS1. Never got it though.
1997: Mortal Kombat Trilogy – I wanted this game so bad. If you bring me the PS1 get me the game for that console.
1998: Autographed Picture of Michael Jordan’s last shot in Utah – You know MJ right? Make it happen.
1999: Life Insurance – Just in case the whole Y2K thing wasn’t a crock of shit.
2000: A date with Halle Berry – I always wanted this Santa. If you get me one thing on this list let it be this.
2001: A million dollars – It was for college Santa. You want me to be smart right?
2002: A new car – Well I have a car now, but if you are feeling extra generous a new Acura TL would be nice. See I picked a relatively modest car so as not to be greedy.
2003: World Peace – This was my naive phase.
2004: A new coach and GM for the Knicks – Okay you can cross this one off. It took a while but I think we’re okay here.
2005: A ticket home – I was in the army in Watertown (eew gross). I’m home now so thanks.
2006: Inspector Gadget’s Car – The one where the boot comes out the front. Oh the idiot kids I could use that on in my neighborhood. GET THE HELL OUT OF THE STREET!
2007: Tickets to Paris – Okay so this one is more for my woman. She really wants to go Santa.
2008: A safe and happy holiday for all of my xanga friends – That is all I want this year. Oh and Rock Band 2 (complete set)

Okay that’s all I got. Time for you to get to work buddy. Nice catching up with you though. I’ll leave the milk and cookies out like old times, but if they are gone you can blame my little brother (that little shit always used to eat your cookies). If you are mad then you can just give me his presents. Good luck this year!

Your Pal,
Dave

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38 comments

  1. I’d never question your manhood, Cousin Dave. You be a big ole sap if you wanna be one (hug). Were I to write a letter to the estimable Mr. Claus, I’d be certain to get coal in my stocking. I’m still embittered over never receiving that pony. I’m sure my parents thought I’d try to re-enact a scene from the life of Attila the Hun or Genghis Khan had they given me one.Wheatfields here are pretty much dirtfields at this time of year, but you can smell the cows!

  2. lmfao….great stuff funny how your wants change over the years!   I love 1999’s!Hey I have Rock Band 2 wanna come over and play??  But one condition……..I am ALWAYS the singer!!

  3. Wow, I’m pretty sure I’d have to go back to about ’68.  Thinking about it, that’s not too bad a time to be in.  Man, I’d really like all the shoes I had from then  through the end of the ’70s….

  4. What about basement apartments?  It’s not like he can land on the roof of that and make a magical chimney.  And what about the homeless, the ones living in tents, etc.  I think it’s a load of poop…he’s not real Dave!But just in case…Dear Santa, I’d really like another t.v. for my son to pay his Xbox live on so that I can watch t.v. myself at the same time.  Thanks.

  5. @MlleRobillard – eew cows smell like butt cheeks.@kellychicky – You can sing. I just wanna try the drums out.@ihaveanalibi – haha. Some vintage converse all stars would be cool.@jediwa72 – He lands on the roof of the main house for the basement apartment and makes the magical chimney extend to the basement. Duh! As for the homeless well… let’s just say Santa doesn’t bite off more than he can chew. He leaves the homeless for Jesus.@SnippiesBlog – Never hurts to try Becca.

  6. Aw. I love you, too! And I love your list! If I had to ask for an older gaming system and game, though, I would ask for the SNES and Street Fighter II. I used to kick my husband’s butt playing that game when we were dating. Fun times.

  7. Dear Dave,Thank you for believing.  It seems the older you get..the less you believe.  I’m glad you do.  For your question on how I can get into houses without chimneys..ever watched Santa Clause the movie?  It’s magic.  As for your Christmas wishes.  I can’t promise all those gifts, being the fact that you aren’t a child anymore.  However I can promise that most of your xanga friends will have a safe and happy holiday.  Keep believeingHO HO HOSanta

  8. Dear Dave,Life has been a little hectic up here to.  Did you hear about the population growth since 1993?  I dont even have time to write this letter with all the little kids waiting on me!  So unfortunately, no gifts will be given for previous years.  This years request will be considered.  Only one gift per person, you will find out what you will be getting on Christmas morning!  Dave, all believers receive gifts from me.  Just one of those perks, I guess!To make things worse, all of the Christmas money was invested in the stock market.  Since things are so tight this year, we havent been eating much.  You had better leave some extra cookies and milk.  If you dont, you may not recognize me as my belly has dwindled.  Mrs. Clause has had one heck of a time with my uniform this year!My favorite song is “Santa Clause is Coming to Town”.  Those other questions, well, they are my secret.  Sorry!Have a very merry Christmas.  I look forward to hearing from you again next year!Love,Santa

  9. Holy moly!  Was that really Santa commenting on your Xanga? Wow.  Well, it could be one of the Santa impersonators. They’re more numerous than the Elvis ones.My theory is that the real Santa is a Time Lord.  That’s how he manages to do everything.  He gives presents because he’s making up for all the young women he takes with him on his adventures.  All Time Lords are pimps, after all.  Just ask the Doctor.

  10. I miss out on this yesterday.  Are you working Santa for back gifts? haha You got some guts.  The future of your children’s Christmas wishes hangs in the balance. haha  

  11. Ahhhh, the nostalgia. I could actually picture you sitting there next to a Christamas tree, eating cookies and Milk while writing to Santa. Thing is that could be my list as well!

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