Dave: (Inner Dialogue denoted by italics) Where the hell am I? Why is my cell phone not getting any service? Why the hell are the Backstreet Boys playing on the radio? Why is there a VCR in the TV unit? Is that a FUBU shirt on that leather couch over there? What the hell is going on here? Oh shit someone’s coming. Better hide behind this ginormous speaker set.
Past Dave: Time for some Freakazoid baby!
Dave: Wait a sec that kid looks familiar. Holy crap that’s me! Thats me as a teenager. Holy crap I am in the past! What am I doing here? Should I say something to myself or am I risking causing a rift in the space time continuum or something? I should say something. No, maybe I should just get the hell out of here before a black hole pops up out of nowhere. I’ll make a run for it when my past self goes to the kitchen. Damn I have to fart now. Can’t hold it.
(The Freakazoid theme song is broken by the sound of Present Dave’s trumpeting ass, causing past Dave to look up from his show and press the mute button.)
Past Dave: What was that? Dad you home? (waits a few seconds) Hmmm. Maybe it was nothing.
Dave: Whew that was close. Wait a minute, the smell. Ohhh its bad. Its so bad, and its blowing his way.
Past Dave: (upon smelling the fart) Awww dude. What the hell is that? Damnit did the dog leave a turd somewhere? (starts looking for crap right around the speakers and finds a crouching Dave)
Dave: Hey big guy! What’s shakin’?
Past Dave: Aaaaahhh. Who the fuck are you? Get out or I’m calling the cops.
(Dave tackles Past Dave who is clearly freaking out and tells him to just calm down)
Dave: Alright just calm down. I know you don’t recognize me, but I am you from the future. Look at my face dude, its true.
Past Dave: You’re crazy asshole. My Dad will be home any minute and he has a gun.
Dave: Look its true! I’ll prove it. Your name is David your birthday is !0/11/82, you wear a size 11 shoe, and a 32/34 waist.
Past Dave: That stuff was easy. I am not convinced.
Dave: You prefer jerking off to scrambled porn as opposed to regular porn because you are so used to it.
Past Dave: Holy shit I’ve never told anyone that! Dude you are me. What year are you from?
Dave: The year 2008. Judging by the looks of the house I am gonna guess that we are in 1998. I don’t know how I got here, but I feel as if I must have been brought back here for a reason. To impart some great wisdom to you. You’ll get used to regular porn after a while by the way.
Past Dave: Thats a relief. Man I have so many questions. Whats the future like. Do you have a flying car? Can you teleport places? Do you have a robot?
Dave: Dude its only ten years. Just shut up and listen while I drop this knowledge on you real quick.
Past Dave: Uhhh dude you are like flashing right now. It’s creeping me out.
Dave: Flashing? What do you mean flashing?
Past Dave: It looks like you are disappearing.
Dave: Aww crap I must be running out of time. So much to say. I can’t think straight when I am being rushed like this. So much pressure. Okay ummm, don’t do drugs. Wait that is so cliche. I can do better. High school is easy. I know you are doing pretty good, but just put a little bit more effort in and you can get scholarships. This is important asshole. College is expensive! Tell Dad to invest in Apple heavily. The stock may be a little pricy, but it’ll be worth it. Don’t throw away your Sega Genesis. You are going to want to play it again someday. Vanessa turns out to be cute in a year or two. Get in on the ground level. Also when you get to Binghamton, Jessica likes you you idiot. She got you a fucking birthday cake and two cards for crying out loud! Make a move. When you start driving, pay your tickets on time. Getting your car towed is expensive and its a pain in the ass. Also its a bad idea to try to drive to the city in a blizzard just so you can go play ball at Hunter. No matter what anyone tells you, if you join the Army they are going to try and send you to Iraq. Avoid the headache and just get a job. Do not under any circumstances go and pay money to see Alexander in the movie theaters. You only end up walking out on it anyway.
Past Dave: Wait! Don’t go! I have so many questions. Do you or do you not have a flying car?
Dave: My time is almost up. No time for stupid questions. Y2K is a bunch of bullshit. Save yourself the torture and find a new basketball team to root for after 2001. Never try and take a “break” from college. You’ll never go back. Fading fast. Remember my words. Don’t throooooww ouuuuutt the Gennnneeeeeesiiiiisss. Telllllll your friends you’ll pass ooooooonnnn Allllllleeeeeeeexxaaaannnnderrr…
(Dave returns to his room in the present and all seems to be the same.)
Dave: I’m back. Everything looks to be in order. The house looks fine. No black holes to speak of.
(Dave goes downstairs and turns on the TV. The lineups are the same. HBO is playing the same five movies. Everything seems fine. He goes to the kitchen to grab a glass of water and notices the newspaper on the table. The headline reads: PRESIDENT ELECT PALIN READY FOR GRAND INAUGURATION!)
Dave: Noooooooooooooooo! What have I done!