I Would Have Punched Little Me In The Face!

This post was inspired by Krissy Cole’s little one

Would you have liked yourself as a little kid? This question has nothing to do with your self-esteem as a five year old, I mean if you were an adult and you had little mini-you hanging around trying to bum a piggy back ride or something, would you give mini-you a piggy back ride or would you tell little mini-you to beat it? I for one think I would have annoyed the crap out of myself.

This is not to say that I was a bratty little twerp. By most accounts, I was a good little kid. Its just that I think I was one of those kids who acted like he was an adult sometimes, and I know that those kids annoy the crap out of me. I also know for a fact that I was a smart ass, because I’m a smart ass now. It wasn’t my fault though. My father can assume most of the blame for me being a smart ass 35 year old trapped in a toddler’s body. As far back as I can remember he always treated me like an adult. 

One of the earliest memories I have is of my father parading me aound my aunt’s house, bragging to a group of friends about how well I could read. To drive the point home he told them that I could read from an article in the New York Times all by myself. I was three and a half at the time. Next thing I know I am in my aunt’s living room reading an article from the New York Times for an amazed group of strangers, while my Dad sat next to me with his nose as high up in the air as it could go. Its funny, but I actually remember thinking “IN YOUR FACE BITCHES!” in my little 3 year old head. See now depending on who you are you would either find that little demonstration incredibly cute or incredible annoying. I for one would have wanted to punch little me in the face at that very moment.

My mom always tells me that my dad used to treat me like his drinking buddy alot of the time (minus the drinking of course). He would talk to me about all of his problems and ask me for advice.

Dad: So my boss won’t get off my back about this Dave. Should I just tell him to go to hell or what? 
6 year old me: Maybe you need some time off. Do you have any vacation time saved up?
Dad: Nah I used up all of my vacation time when you had chicken pox.
6 year old me: Right, I forgot about that. Well how about we just have a nice relaxing night at home? Put some Looney Tunes on. I’ll make sure I go to bed by 9. How does that sound?
Dad: Maybe I just need to get laid.

He would really say things like that too. My father had a “colorful” vocabulary to say the least. In school, I had the dubious distinction of being the first kid to curse in my class. I made many a first and second grader gasp in horror at my potty mouth. I even cursed in front of the teacher once.

We had art one day and the teacher was walking around checking on everyone. This kid Brandon was teasing me and I was trying to ignore him cause I had gotten in trouble for talking too much a few days before. Every time the teacher turned her back Brandon would get at me. I was like a pot on the stove about to boil over. Finally after I couldn’t take it anymore, I got up and I shouted at Brandon “Would you shut up! Just SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR SHIT’S SAKE!” The whole class went silent. I mean you could hear a pin drop silent. The teacher grabbed me and covered up my mouth and escorted me out holding my mouth like it was hazardous waste. Needless to say my father had to come up to the school that day. 

I remember being outside the classroom when the teacher explained what had happened. She told my father “Mr. Salnave, David told a little boy to shut the F up for S’s sake.” My father’s eyes opened wide and he turned red from embarassment. He turned to me and with a straight face asked “where did you hear that?”, knowing full well he was the guilty party. When we got to the car I was sure I was going to get some sort of pre-at-home beating warmup beating, but instead he told me this. “Now look I am not going to punish you because I know you heard me say those words, but you don’t say that shit in front of people. You definitely don’t say fuck or shit in front of adults. What the fuck is wrong with you?” It may seem unorthodox, but it actually worked. I was a very respectful kid. I cursed the shit out of my peers every chance they gave me, but I never cursed in front of my elders.

So when it all boils down, it seems that I was a smart aleck, potty mouthed, know it all, little brat. That is a pretty damning conclusion to come to. The truth is that there was much more to it though. Yes my Dad was rough with me, but he also made sure that I maintained that innocence and imagination that makes a kid a kid. I’ll leave you with this little convo as an example of how he kept things balanced. I’ll set this up for you. This was after picking us up at 3 AM on Christmas morning from my grandmother’s Christmas Eve celebration (we used to open gifts at midnight). 

7 Year Old Me: Dad I don’t think Santa is real.
Dad: What?!!! Why would you say such a thing?
7 Year Old Me: Every year we are up all night. This year I kept my eye on the tree and the chimney all night and I didn’t see Santa at all. 
Dad: The presents were there weren’t they?
7 Year Old Me: Yeah.
Dad: And who did they say they were from?
7 Year Old Me: Santa, but how could that be?
Dad: (pauses for a minute to gather himself) Look Dave I am not going to bullshit you. I am not sure how it works at your grandmother’s house. But I know Santa just left our house before I left to come get you guys. He waved hello to me and everything. 
7 Year Old Me: Well I just don’t know Dad.
Dad: Well did you ever thik about this? Your granmda celebrates a day early because she is Puerto Rican right?
7 Year Old Me: Yeah.
Dad: Well Maybe Santa comes to Puerto Rican houses a day early!
7 Year Old Me: Hey that makes sense. Next year I am going to catch him. Watch.

Advertisements

57 comments

  1. Santa comes to Puerto Rican houses a day early?  *snort*I remember tripping over something in class one day, must have been first or second grade and screaming, “God damn!” and then was promptly escorted out.  Your story is much better.PS.  Why doesn’t Firefox recognize “Puerto Rican?”  It’s trying to replace it with Puberty Rica.

  2. I think I’m blissfully unaware of what “little me” was like. I don’t think I can objectively remember what I was like without filtering the memories through time and trying to make me better than I was. I’m okay with that; because we can’t change a darn thing about the past, only the future.

  3. It was a very nice read. I loved my baby pictures! I was so cute and chubby!!! Loved those full cheeks. Still have them today, that’s why you’ll almost NEVER catch me laughing in pics.Happy 2009!

  4. nope me as a kid was way too needy and cried at the drop of a hat……….ok so im that way still which is why I dont need a mini crybaby me around.Wow I bet you were just a handful as a kiddo!! lol

  5. Oh Lordy, Lordy …. My little boy is going to grow up to be Dave! Ack! He’p me Lord! Attila has all the attributes you describe in Mini-Dave (and, I admit, I’m pretty much the same kind of parent your Dad was to you).I was pretty much the same kind of kid you described, except I was also a little know-it-all. *snort* I’d a smacked the crap outta me. (And I never did buy that Santa stuff. Heh.)

  6. Thanks Dave.  Great laugh for all.  I had to read this to my husband who now feels better about his parenting skills haha. Seriously though, your Dad was wise and honest about the real world and adults.  Give him a pat on the back for me.  Oh yeah.  A little me whould be fun to have around. I was a mini Jaynebug. Polite and funny and fun at any occassion. heehee

  7. I don’t know. 5 year old me was pretty mellow. I think I could deal with her. 9 – 12 year old me was a total psycho. That bitch would need a beat down first.”Well maybe santa goes to puerto rican houses a day early!”You’re dad is awesome!

  8. This is so hilarious!!! I remember going out to dinner with my family and my dad’s work friends one night when I was around 5 or 6. I was coloring on the place mat and all of a sudden I looked up and said “where the hell is the red crayon?” hahaha!!! My parents were so embarrassed!!

  9. Haha! I am raising the five year old version of me right now, so I could safely say that I have my good days and my bad days. Like me when I was her age, my child will talk your ear off when you least need it, not talk when you want her to, and refuse to do exactly what she can do just because she knows you want her to do it. She is persnickety, but she is all mine…and all me. I love me. And her! And I would have loved you though you would have mortified me when you screamed obscenities.

  10. I was three when I challenged my parents on the Santa issue.  My father wouldn’t lie to me, and my mother gave up when she couldn’t convince me.I was continually in trouble for talking back to teachers, walking out of class when I got bored, and correcting mistakes the teachers made.I was brainy, curious and inquisitive as a kid, more than “bratty.”  I asked a lot of questions, and irritated some adults by questioning their answers and piping up with contrary opinions.I was 37 when my youngest kid was born.  He had ADHD and was even more brainy and willful than I had been.  I never punched him in the face, but there were times I needed to let someone else handle him so I could get away from his boundless energy. I have a lot of patience with annoying kids and almost as much with annoying adults.  I get some amazing payoffs sometimes, for my tolerance.  That “kid” who ran me ragged twenty-some years ago, now does the things for me that I’m no longer able to do for myself, like chopping wood and carrying water.

  11. I just popped over here from your cousin’s site.  What a king-sized-giggle YOU gave me!!   I’d love to be a fly on the wall, when you two are together!!!   Think I’ll just subscribe while I’m here.  Thanks for the giggle!!

  12. I would have hated little me too. But that’s probably because I was a bratty little twerp. It may also have to do with the fact that I think kids are worse than Lupus and still can’t figure out why so many people willingly conceive them. Nice post!

  13. As my mom has made it abundantly clear, I was an awesome kid. A little sexist (boys are better than girls type stuff she says…all I remember was being mortified just being in the bra section), but overall the easiest child to raise of the bunch. In fact, my mom says that as a baby, I was so quiet she thought I might have been autistic. However, I was among the last kids to start cussing. In 4th grade, when I was the kid being bullied, I got pissed and told one of the kids “F you,” no expletives, just “F.” He proceeded to respond, “A you. B you.” Everyone laughed and I was thoroughly defeated. That’s when I learned that it was pointless not to cuss when the situation called for it. I still didn’t cuss for years to come. As far as kids go, I was a freaking saint. I would’ve been so easy to raise!

  14. <_< I would get such a kick out of you as a kid. I like kids like that, hahaha! As for myself.. I don’t remember at all what I was like growing up, until I hit ten and by then I was way more mature than I should have been. So I cant really answer that unfortunately, XD 

  15. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA Man! This is awesome! I too hate kids who don’t know what to speak when… I could whack the shit outta such annoying twots! I don’t like kids who act smarter than their age but yeah that’s pretty common. I was a super smartie with a respectable position.  P.S lol hahahahaha 

  16. Pre-teen me was an annoying little spoiled brat. I see little pre-teen girls and think to myself “was I actually like that at one time, how fucking annoying, how did anyone tolerate me?”

  17. I think that your little self would have cracked me up.  The cursing is bad, of course, but you can’t deny the hilarity.  Oh and I think maybe I would have wondered at lil kid me.  I was kind of quiet.

  18. Hm, me as a kid. I think I was kind of a know it all too. My little sister and her friend kind of act like I know I did when I was there age and sometimes when they say something, I just kinda (as gently as possible) shut them down to let them know they don’t know everything. So, I’d pretty much be mean to mini me…

  19. You were a badass little kid that’s for true, but cute. I seem to remember being really curious about things to the point my parents stopped giving me answers. What are you supposed to say when your 6 year old asks you what the name is for the spaces between bristles in a comb?

  20. I dunno, I was just a weird kid. I was always having private adventures in my mind and straying away from my parents in order to do more exciting things. I think I would have been a entertaining kid, but a frusterating one to babysit. I once threw a for-no-reason-alert-the-neighbors sort of temper tantrum for a sitter all because she told me I had to go to bed. I think she got fired because the neighbors told my parents I had been screaming, which was unlike me at bedtime, and my parents didn’t trust her. But it was totally my fault. I remember that much. I always sort of figured some little kid would get revenge on me for that when I grew up and I was right. I had many hell-nights babysitting.

  21. I think I would have really liked you as a kid. Not only was I a smart aleck, potty mouthed, know it all, little brat, I was a smart aleck, potty mouthed, know it all, little brat who had a problem with authority. Some things don’t change.

  22. Haha, this made me recall the time of be being persuaded to flip my dad off…mind you i was only 5 or so.  that went over like a lead balloon, and the worst part was i never got that $20…hah.

  23. That was pretty darn entertaining, I must say. I think I would have hated Little Me. I was constantly asking my dad if there was a such thing as “13 o’ clock” and he would always say that I wouldn’t understand. I figured it out eventually. No thanks to him!

  24. well you would of been my type of friend when i was little. since i was so quiet, i often enjoyed the potty mouth smart aleck kids, because they said everything i was really thinking lol

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s