Anything in excess is not good. This is one of the basic philosophies by which I live my life, and its true for everything. There are obvious things that can kill you in excess dosages like drugs, alcohol, and family. Then there are good things that can do damage to you too. Even a life giving necessity like H2O. Ever heard of overhydration? How about drowning?
Some things just become bad and awkward when they are overdone. Take for example the Ninja Turtle movies or the music of Kanye West. This is the case when it comes to friendships. Friendships are good, but in excess they are not. When you have gone from simple friendship, to an abnormal semi-gay relationship, then it just becomes weird and uncomfortable for everyone involved. (Note: When I say semi-gay this is to imply that your friend is of the same sex as you. If the friend is the opposite sex then it is a semi-romantic relationship This is not gay, but just as awkward.)
So now you are asking yourself; Is my friendship bordering on semi-gaydom? How can I even know? Well luckily you have me as your guide.
Here are some tell-tale signs that you may be in a semi-gay relationship…
-You are blissfully unaware of what the term “third wheel” means.
– You have your friend’s mother, father, brother, sister, girl/boyfirend, and work phone on speed dial.
– You have a picture of you and your friend as your wallpaper for your phone, your computer at work, and your computer at home. Plus its your profile pic for every social networking site you ever joined.
– Your friend’s birthday is your favorite day of the year. It is also your PIN number for your ATM card.
– You and your friend finish eachother’s sentences (this is especially semi-gay for dudes). You might also be caught having a corny exchange such as the following one;
Gary: (Speaking to his girlfriend Kate) Hey when was the last time you’ve seen Bobby?
Kate: Gee I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen him. Its been quite a while.
Jill: Oh my god Kate, remember we bumped into Bobby on 86th street that day?
Kate: Oh yeah. It was back in like June or July…
Jill: It must’ve been June because school was still in session. Remember I had to move the car because you told me I was in a shool bus zone.
Kate: Right. And we bumped into him coming out of that Starbucks. Oh my god do you remember how good that Vanilla Bean Frap I got was?
Jill: Mmmmm. Yeah and that scone you got was so good too. What were we doing up on 86th street anyway?
Kate: You had to go to the verizon store to upgrade your phone remember? Then we went to the movies to see Kung Fu Panda.
Jill: Right. We went to the movies, but it wasn’t Kung Fu Panda. It was another cartoon, what was it…
Kate and Jill in Unison: WE SAW WALL-E!!!
At this point Gary picks up a gun and shoots himself. Kate and Jill continue on about what they had for dinner that day without noticing.
– You and your homegirl’s periods are in sync. The male equivalent I have discovered is if you and your boy’s shits are in sync. This occurs when you and your boy eat the same crappy foods together often enough for you to develop identical shitting regiments. Identical in all respects, from frequency to consistency.
– You will stop right in the middle of sex if your friend’s ringtone emanates from your phone.
– For guys, if you monitor your friend’s diet. If you are a guy, your place is not to monitor your friend’s eating habits. Leave that to his girl and his family. If you tell your boy something like “Hey man, that goes against your diet,” you deserve to be punched right, square in the vagina. Real men will watch a friend who just got a triple bypass eat a tripple whopper with cheese and not bat an eye.
– You are over the age of 21 and you and your friend have a secret handshake.
– 95% of your phone conversations start with one of you saying, “oh my god, I was just about to call you.”
– And lastly, everyone always makes excuses for not going places with you guys because they secretly hate you. What’s worse is that you two closet lesbos/homos are always happy that its gonna be “just the two of us.”
Alright so there are some of the major signs. Now be honest with yourselves and assess your friendships. If you are bordering on semi-gaydom then pump the brakes. Or just quit the bullshit and go have gay sex with your friend and get it out the way.
Oh and let me know if there are any signs I might have missed.