If I Were President Pt.1…

Next week we will all watch as Barack Obama is officially sworn in as our country’s next president. The challenges he is set to face have been discussed ad nauseum. There is the recession, the war in Iraq, the Gaza Strip, energy independence, education, and of course a playoff system for college football. And all that is just for starters. However, with all the rhetoric and policy thrown around for the past two years, I have never heard anyone address one of the most glaring problems we face in America today. What are we going to do about all these shitty ass kids?

Now I know education has been mentioned, but this is not a question of education. I know plenty of snot nosed little brats who are a sharp as an arrow. This is a question of kids not knowing how to, as they say in ebonics, “ack right”. We are a week away from inauguration and we have absolutely no indication that anything will be done about this. Well let me tell you guys what I would do if I were president. I would make it legal for people to beat other people’s kids. This would include teachers, doctors, department store employees, bus drivers (oh especially bus drivers). You are all covered. Have at it.

Kids are fucking untouchable these days. They’re like mini little mafia bosses, each and every one of them. I was at the bowling alley the other day and had the unfortunate luck of being in a lane right next to a pack of wild animals (5-10 year olds). There were like eight of them all on one lane. They were all over the place. One boy in particular decided that he would spend most of the night directly in my lane. So let me ask you something? Would it have been rude of me to pick that kid up and throw him down my lane into the pins? I would have been justified right? Still I showed some restraint and politely went to the little tike and said, “Excuse me could you please stay over there. I can’t bowl if you are standing here.” I did not have to be so nice, but I was raised correctly I guess.

What happened next just amazed me. The mother of the herd came over and grabbed the kid. Now I thought she was going to repremand him, but instead this is what she said;

“Boy come on over here cause if that man says something to you again me and him are going to have a problem!”

I couldn’t believe my ears at first. Everyone bowling with me looked shocked for a second and then they immediately turned to me and gave me the look. You know the “okay big guy just calm down” look. Now I would never hit a lady, but I was about two seconds form going on a rampage. I stood in the middle of the lanewith my eyes closed and fantasized about going over to the lane next to me, throwing the kids out of the way (like the Hulk throwing some cars around) and then ninja kicking the mother in the face with my size 11 and a half clown colored bowling shoe. This almost happened. Instead my girlfriend came over and rubbed my back and told me to just block them out. And that is what happens these days. We are forced to just try and block all of this crap out, until one day we take it out on our co-workers with an AK-47.

It wasn’t always like this though…



  1. I’d have calmly walked up to the mother and said ” One would expect to meet a woman of your stature in a bowling alley or a trailer park. I’m so delighted to have encountered you here. Trailer parks often have roaches.”

  2. God! No wonder you’ve been depressed! What rock do these “people” (i’m probably grossly inflating their status here…) crawl out from under??? I hope your blood pressure has returned to normal. But you are so right… this won’t end soon. The world is going to hell fast, no handbasket required. I’m sorry this had to happen to you.

  3. I hope the Obamo administration has some plans for getting bowling etiquette into school curriculum. You encountered a worst case scenario, but the last few times I’ve gone, I’ve encountered less horrific but still pernicious breaches of bowling etiquette by kids much older than 5. They don’t seem to know that they have to wait until the bowler in the next lane has bowled to go up and go. You’re standing there cradling the ball, taking aim, then they just grab their ball in the next lane and go running past you. BRATS.

  4. @MlleRobillard – haha That’s awesome!Wow, that’s pretty crazy, Dave. Kids do seem to be untouchable though. Some parents think their child can do no wrong. Parents get flogged for swatting their child’s bum… When I was in grade school, the school system was allowed to spank us with a paddle for certain things. The paddle met my tush a few times. It’s just crazy!

  5. You are a much more patient person than I am because I would have said something to that woman. It wouldn’t have been rude, but I would have said something. Probably something along the lines of “You are right. I shouldn’t be asking this boy to stay in his lane. I should be telling you, the RESPONSIBLE adult, to keep control of these children before I see management about their misbehavior and have you all removed from here.” UGH! Parents like that tick me off! (You should have been reading my blog when I was still teaching. I had some pretty good crazy parent stories from the experiences the school had.)@MlleRobillard – OUCH! I like it!

  6. Thats the problem, if you have ghetto Ass parents you have Ghetto Ass children there is almost no way around it.. Doesnt mean you can’t check the parents though.. lol Although I guess it was good you saved your evening and your temper..

  7. That mothers response to her child should be your first clue as to why the kid behaved that way.  He has not been taught to be respectful of others as his lousy excuse for a mother hasn’t done her job.  Sad sad sad! 

  8. Ha! My grandmother is a bus monitor, and she will hit a kid lol. The kids on her bus “ack right” cause they know Miss Ollie will not hesitate to put them in their little snotty nose places. And if a parent questions her, she will not hesitate to tell them what their little snotty nose brat was doing that needed them to be gripped up a bit. ha!

  9. Wow.  I’m shocked and pissed all at the same time.  If my kids were to ever behave like that, my response would be totally different.  Kudos to your momma and daddy for raising you right—-I would have knocked the crazy woman out.  Either that or go tell the manager of the bowling alley that you and your friends would like to switch lanes due to the fact that problems would arise.  Wow.@MlleRobillard – I love that response!

  10. You showed remarkable restraint… I’m not sure I would do the same. Oh, and could you add team moms and Girl Scout leaders to the list of authorized people to beat other people’s kids. Please? Because I know some buttocks that could use a good whuppin…

  11. Any man that can show that level of restraint around the Devil’s Spawn is a hero in my book. No doubt this would’ve escalated and involved lodged bowling pins, damaged lanes and an unfortunately accident with a shattered bowling ball and somebody’s toes.

  12. ohh mann.. the nerve of that mother.!!! i would of said.. “no if i have to say one more thing to your son, then you gonna owe me a game of bowling” does she know bowling aint free these days!!! ?? I cant stand an incompetent parent that cant do anything but run their mouth.. dont get mad at me cuz ur kid is an unruly brat with no home training.. over here in a strangers lane ruining everyone else’s fun…. I blame today’s children on lack of good parenting… at the very least she could of just apologized for her demon spawn… ugh

  13. Well Dave… Kids are the rowdiest of the rowdy these days. kids are doing it all these days, sleeping around, being in gangs, etc. But what can you do about it? Srsly? I’m just saying – parents aren’t the parents of our day or maybe your day or maybe even my day. Parents dont really train children about public behavior nor how they should behave period. It’s ‘cute’ to have pics and videos of your kids smoking weed… so… hmm… im rambling now.But anyway – lmao, size 11.5 ninja kickin? too much!!! Too MUCH!@MlleRobillard – WOW!!!!

  14. I concur. I’d beat a child tomorrow. I’m a substitute, and I would’ve beat a child today if I could’ve. Bad ass mu’fuckas. I might shoot a bad mother in the uterus one of these days (for posterity, I have to say that is a JOKE in case I’m ever falsely charged for a crime and this comment gets used as evidence). But seriously, if parents won’t raise their kids, the village ought to. But some parents seem to think that giving their kids absolute authority is a good idea. They need to be lobotomized.

  15. Someone was just telling me last week that in other countries it is entirely appropriate for strangers to discipline other people’s children in public places. I forgot which country it is, but I’m all for it. 🙂

  16. i for one support spanking children, but JUST spanking lol. if children don’t know what RESPECT is then they’re less likely to show it.  maybe common courtesy should be taught in schools, since some parents don’t have skills to pass on to their children!  you should have slapped the mom though lol kidding!

  17. I agree that you showed amazing restraint! I at least would’ve snapped at the brat. And then commented loudly to my friends on the Bitch-Ass Mama’s lack of breeding, manners, and child-raising skills. A la: “No wonder that kid’s such a damned brat. Look what raised him”.Feh, kids today. Bring back good ol’ fashioned whompin’ on ’em when they imitate lesser primates …

  18. LMAO Fucking hilarious! Very often the children are not the problem. its the parents. And very often i find my self having “Kill Bill” moments (you know, when you make eye contact and everything in your vision turns red) with the kids. I just have to try to laugh and walk away.

  19. kids do know they are untouchable which is why they get away with so much crap!  if i knew i could get away with being a little shit i would do whatever i wanted whenever i wanted.  you have a ton of self restraint not to lay into that woman.

  20. You’re an animated writer. That was very entertaining to read especially, “They’re like mini little mafia bosses, each and every one of them” haha lol. I do have to object on some of your parts, they should not be beaten for one because when kids are violated they perhaps become traumatized. Majority of children that are beaten are because of abusive households and irresponsible parents. I can understand kids fresh acts but how did that begin again? It was a parents duty to teach their children right and wrong, not only theirs but other kids as well if they are a parent. Well that’s just my opinion.And I agree, people suppress a lot of things… until the ballon just bursts.

  21. Sometimes, I found that some kids are actually quite annoying and they do really pissed me off which I’ve had a strong feeling just as you had: apply ninja kicking againts them (not towards their mums )

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