Next week we will all watch as Barack Obama is officially sworn in as our country’s next president. The challenges he is set to face have been discussed ad nauseum. There is the recession, the war in Iraq, the Gaza Strip, energy independence, education, and of course a playoff system for college football. And all that is just for starters. However, with all the rhetoric and policy thrown around for the past two years, I have never heard anyone address one of the most glaring problems we face in America today. What are we going to do about all these shitty ass kids?
Now I know education has been mentioned, but this is not a question of education. I know plenty of snot nosed little brats who are a sharp as an arrow. This is a question of kids not knowing how to, as they say in ebonics, “ack right”. We are a week away from inauguration and we have absolutely no indication that anything will be done about this. Well let me tell you guys what I would do if I were president. I would make it legal for people to beat other people’s kids. This would include teachers, doctors, department store employees, bus drivers (oh especially bus drivers). You are all covered. Have at it.
Kids are fucking untouchable these days. They’re like mini little mafia bosses, each and every one of them. I was at the bowling alley the other day and had the unfortunate luck of being in a lane right next to a pack of wild animals (5-10 year olds). There were like eight of them all on one lane. They were all over the place. One boy in particular decided that he would spend most of the night directly in my lane. So let me ask you something? Would it have been rude of me to pick that kid up and throw him down my lane into the pins? I would have been justified right? Still I showed some restraint and politely went to the little tike and said, “Excuse me could you please stay over there. I can’t bowl if you are standing here.” I did not have to be so nice, but I was raised correctly I guess.
What happened next just amazed me. The mother of the herd came over and grabbed the kid. Now I thought she was going to repremand him, but instead this is what she said;
“Boy come on over here cause if that man says something to you again me and him are going to have a problem!”
I couldn’t believe my ears at first. Everyone bowling with me looked shocked for a second and then they immediately turned to me and gave me the look. You know the “okay big guy just calm down” look. Now I would never hit a lady, but I was about two seconds form going on a rampage. I stood in the middle of the lanewith my eyes closed and fantasized about going over to the lane next to me, throwing the kids out of the way (like the Hulk throwing some cars around) and then ninja kicking the mother in the face with my size 11 and a half clown colored bowling shoe. This almost happened. Instead my girlfriend came over and rubbed my back and told me to just block them out. And that is what happens these days. We are forced to just try and block all of this crap out, until one day we take it out on our co-workers with an AK-47.
It wasn’t always like this though…