Finding My Inner Pimp

So I did an odd post back in the day that sort of inspired this one. The thing is I did that post back when no one was reading, so it was no big deal how silly I sounded. Eh, whatever I still don’t care how much of a fool I make of myself.

So as I was discussing last week, it has been brought to my attention that I need to be a little more whorish when it comes to promoting my comedy. This is not such an easy task for me as I am such a modest person by nature (okay there was a slight hint of sarcasm there). Seriously though, I am outgoing, and I have no problem performing for people, but I am a little shy when it comes to tooting my own horn. I think I am in dire need of a pimp.

Since I have no desire to let a stranger slap me around or take 75% (going pimp rate) of my earnings, I figured who better to be my pimp than me. I think I can be a fine pimp with a little practice. I’ll even let myself be the guinea pig. Alright here goes nothing.

PimpDave: Alright get up. It’s time to get out there and go make that money.
Vanedave: Couldn’t I relax just a few more minutes.
PimpDave: Bitch don’t make me slap you so early in the day! I haven’t even lotioned up my hand for that yet.
Vanedave: No need for slapping I’m up. Okay so what do I do now.
PimpDave: What do you do now? Are you for real trick? *Smacks across the face* Now tell everyone about your next show!
Vanedave: *rubs face while whimpering* Hey everyone. I just booked a show for this coming Saturday.
PimpDave: Bitch stop crying and say it with some enthusiasm before I have to go upside your head again!
Vanedave: So come on by and have some laughs if you like.
PimpDave: *Backhands across the face* That was the sorriest shit I’ve ever heard. You do it like that again and you’ll get another one. Now do it right!
Vanedave: Come to my show this Saturday. You won’t be disappointed.
PimpDave: *Slaps again* Bitch tell them how funny you are!
Vanedave: I am a pretty funny guy so come and check me out.
PimpDave: *Slaps* I can slap you all day if I have to. Make me believe that you are funny bitch!
Vanedave: I am the funniest son of a bitch to ever pick up a microphone.
PimpDave: Alright that was better. Now put it all together with some details before I whoop dat ass.
Vanedave: So come on down to the New York Comedy Club this Saturday January 31st at 8PM, if you want to see the funniest and baddest mofo on the face of the earth. That’s the New York Comedy Club at 241 E 24th St., Between 2nd and 3rd Ave. Hit me up for more info.
I finally slapped some sense into you I see.
Vanedave: Can I go now?
PimpDave: *Backhands across the face* Bitch! You forgot the clip.
Vanedave: *holds back tears* Here is a clip from my last show for your viewing pleasure.


  1. lol funny. I don’t have a pimp in my head. I have somone called mercedes. she never told me what she does though. she just yells at me. maybe if I was one year older, I would come but good luck!

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