There are times when I ramble on about complete and utter nonsense on this site. Just yesterday I had a conversation with myself as a pimp. Pretty ridiculous right? As fun as acting a fool may be, there are some days when I have to buckle down and talk to you straight. Sometimes I actually have important stuff to talk about. This is not one of those days, but listen up anyway.
So here’s the scoop. There is this guy I work with who is, as you may have guessed from the title, gay. He is a real cool guy. He does nice little things for me and the secretary in my office like sending us comp tickets every once in a while or grabbing us sandwiches when he goes to the deli we all like. He always has a huge smile on his face and is the type of person who always seems genuinely happy to see you when you happen to bump into him in the coffee room.
Now before I move on, I think it needs to be made clear that as a general rule, straight men do not think about whether or not that gay guy in marketing has a crush on them (Unless they are homophobic, in which case they think every gay guy in the world wants to have their gay baby). Guys only think about all the women that might want to jump their bones. So amidst all the gift giving and merry coffee room encounters, I had never once thought of the possibility that this dude had a crush on me. There was always this nagging feeling that he was watching me when I was walking away from him though. (Sidenote: Women I apologize for doing this to you. Its pretty uncomfortable to have to walk feeling like someone is staring at your ass.)
So recently he came into the office with an egg sandwich with my name on it. I gladly accepted and started enjoying my breakfast. After he leaves the secretary starts laughing to herself. I asked her what was so funny. “He has a crush on you”, she responded. I wanted to tell her how ridiculous she was being, but as I sat there chewing on this love token of an egg sandwich I knew it to be true. I did a montage of all the little tokens of affection and merry coffee room meetings in my head, and suddenly it was so obvious. Just for good measure the secretary told me that she had it on good authority from the secretary network (keepers of all the company secrets) that he liked me. All I could think to myself was, “Aww shit, this is awkward. This egg sandwich sure is good though.”
So I went home that day and started contemplating on how to deal with this. Was he courting me or was this just harmless flirting? If it was courting I had to find a way to put an end to that pronto! (Sidenote: Hey guys remember “pronto”? Does anyone still say that? I’m bringing it back.) I had to be decisive and take action, but I also had to be tactful. I didn’t want things to be weird and uncomfortable in the office. Plus I really liked those egg sandwiches. I needed a gameplan. Here is what I came up with…
Rules For Dealing With an Office Man-Crush
1 – Okay first off if this is someone you don’t ever see, than just try to ignore it. No need making a complicated situation out of a simple one.
2 – Above all else, be polite. Nobody wants to be labeled the office bigot.
3 – You want to let him know you are not gay without just straight up saying “I’m not gay.” No matter how nicely you say “I’m not gay”, it always has the potential of sounding more like “I’m not gay you flaming homo! No I do not want to come over later and watch your copy of Mamma Mia ! Now get the hell away from me before I mace you.” Trust me, it always is gonna sound like this, no matter how gently you put it. Its best to be a little more subtle.
4 – If you have a wife/girlfriend try talking about her. Make it natural though. Don’t say stupid shit that you would never say like, “Man my wife is wonderful!” or “Gee I really love having sex with my girlfriend and her vagina!” Do not insult the man’s intelligence. Just say normal things like, “god my girlfriend can be such an asshole sometimes” or “I’m ditching my wife to go play football this weekend. I am so excited!” Okay on second thought, that last one sounded a little gay. You get the picture.
5 – If you are single, make up a girlfriend or just talk about random girls you are dating. Duh!
6 – Lastly, its still okay to be friends with them. You are not gonna catch the gay. It is not a disease. Remember you are both adults. As long as you act as such, he will too. Hopefully. If not then, well you may have a case of gay sexual harassment on your hands which is the absolute worst situation you could be in. There is no winning in that scenario. Either you do the “manly” thing in this situation and beat the shit out of the dude. In which case you are the office bigot and you could face losing your job or jail time (and jail would mean you’d have to deal with way more man-crushes). Or you can do the more civilized thing and file for sexual harassment, in which case you are the bitch ass who sued the nice gay guy from accounting for sexual harassment. Good luck with that.
Luckily things seem to be well under control in my case. Hope these rules are just as successful for some of you.