Alright its the time you’ve all been waiting for (I know you haven’t been waiting that much, but just roll with it). Sit back and relax people. You are about to have a big box of knowledge dropped on your head. Ladies and gentlemen, PimpDave:
Ask A Pimp
Hey y’all. I had a bit of a rough night last night(these hoes always get lazy when there’s a blizzard out), but I promoised I’d be here so here I am. Let’s see what you got for me…
Q: I have a question for PD. How many bitches must you slap a day to get your money? – maniac_rose
A: Well Rose the answer may surprise you. At most I have to slap one bitch a day to get my money. See a good pimp doesn’t have to go around smackin’ hoes all day to get his paper. Shouldn’t have to work that hard. Most days I actually don’t have to slap any of them. They respects my gangsta see. But if there is the occasion that I do have to slap a bitch, I slap that bitch so hard that the other twelve to fifteen in attendance feel it too. That way I only have to slap the one to get my point across.
Now that doesn’t mean I don’t have to slap these hoes for other reasons though. They just be doing stupid shit all day. Just annoying shit like not wiping their platform shoes before hoppin’ in my Caddy, or not using a coaster when bringing me my Hennessy on the rocks. They get slapped for stuff like that all day.
Q: So tell me Papi Pimp why is it when I do a bitch blog I get tons of comments, but when I blog about love and nice things you can hear crickets chirping??? – kellychicky
A: Cause everyone always loves them some bitches woman. Take my word for it, biches are in HIGH demand. The recession ain’t got nothin’ on a pimp like me!
Q: Okay, PD, I gots a kestion … Wha’ goes bettah wif mah acrylic platform thigh-highs: Mah purple rabbit-fur jacket o’ mah black leathah jacket? My pimp be sayin’ th’ fur, but Ah likes mah leather. – CanadianBroad
A: Bitch do I look like Calvin fucking Klien to you? Dress your damn self!
Q: Do you beat your hoes with wire coat hangers like the pimp I heard on This American Life a few years ago? – beli_grrl
A: No, no, no. That is all wrong. Let me ask you something, when you go to buy a car do you want something that has scratches and bumps all over it? No you don’t! You want that smooth, shiny, finish on your new car. That’s how I like my hoes to look too. I use the back of my hand or a bag of oranges when necessary.
Q: Do you even know who Huggy Bear is? Have you ever heard of the bar “The Pitts”?
Am I showing my age by knowing these things? – seedsower
A: First off, if you ever try to insult my pimpin’ knowledge like this again, I will find you and I will go upside your head. Now with that said, Antonio Fargas, a.k.a. Huggy Bear, is a popular recurring character from the 70’s TV show Starsky and Hutch. He is also mythird cousin on my grandmomma’s side. Pimpin’ runs in the family. Okay your old ass is gonna have to fill me in on the Pitts though.
Oh and regarding showing your age, you still fine as hell girl. I would still put yo’ old ass to work for me. I’d be happy to have you on the ho roster.
Q: How do you deal with missing people unconditionally? – happy_nazaraday
A: Well generally my policy on missing people is if I miss with one hand, I just come back and slap you with the other. Or I just tell you to stand still so I can slap some damn sense into you.
Q: What’s your poison, PD? Besides slapping the shit out of bitches. – Laryssa
A: I enjoy a nice glass of Hennessy on the rocks. In a pinch Courvoisier will do the trick too.
Q: PimpDave, will you marry me? You are so full of WIN. – BarelyJen
A: Whoa, whoa, whoa, pump the brakes there baby! PimpDave does not like to talk about ma…ma….y’know the “m” word. I’ll tell you what though I like the way you’re put together. You definitely have the potential to be my main bitch. If you have the work ethic to match those beautiful eyes of yours, under my pimpin’ tutelage you could be a superstar ho!
Thanks to the_real_anna for the graphic. lol.