Jesus v. Biggie

Preface: Before I go any further, if you are sensitive or do not have a sense of humor then get the hell on! This entry is not for you.

You may not know this if you’ve seldom read my site, but I consider myself quite the deep thinker. As often as I have talked about nonsense I have also tried to occasionally inspire intelligent conversations on an array of topics. Unfortunately this is not one of those occasions.

Jesus v. Biggie
So I was sitting at home not too long ago watching a preview for the Notorius B.I.G. movie, and for some reason my mind started to wander towards Jesus. I thought about the corrolations between Biggie and Jesus and there were some pretty striking similarities:

Both were iconic figures who inspired the masses with their words.
Jesus: His words live on through the gospels. Taught us to love him and be saved. I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. (John 11:25-26)

Biggie: His words live on through his music. Also taught us to love him. Ladies rub your tits if you love Big Poppa. (Player’s Anthem – Junior Mafia)

Both were frequently in trouble with the law

Jesus: On King Herod’s most wanted list since birth, frequent menace to merchants outside of temple, constantly in hot water with the local Jewish priests, and of course there was that Pontius Pilate guy.

Biggie: Grew up in the crime infested Bedford Stuyvesant projects, started selling weed at the age of fourteen, pleaded guilty to second degree harassment in early 1996, and was arrested on drug and gun posession charges in mid 1996.

Both men died young.
Jesus: Died on the cross at age 33 after giving his soul up to his father. Came back to life shortly after before rising up to heaven.

Biggie: Died at age 24 three years after the release of his debut album “Ready to Die”. Oooohhhhh spooky! His album “Life After Death” was released shortly after his death in 1997, followed by his next release “Born Again” two years later.
 
Both men had playa haters galore.
Jesus: Jesus had so many haters that he felt it necessary to make them a part of his teachings. Beware of false prophets, who comes to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. (Matthew 7:15) Don’t think it was just the jews who hated him either. I am sure there were plenty of people who just hated Jesus cause he was young, flashy, and good looking. There are various points that I could have seen myself hating on Jesus. Like when he walked on water. Was that really necessary? He could have just calmed the waters from the boat. Would have been just as effective. I would have been like, “Why you gotta be showin’ off like that Jesus?” Or when he turned the water into wine? Imagine being at a party trying to kick it to some girl and then Jesus goes and does that. All of a sudden nothing you are talking about is even remotely interesting anymore. For the rest of the night that girl is just looking at you and thinking to herself, “Why am I even talking to this loser. He can’t turn water into wine. Where did that Jesus guy go?” That would have made me so pissed at Jesus.

Biggie: “Playaahh, turn your head round. Take off that crown, youve been robbed” (Paya Haters – Life After Death) Big and Puffy were renowned for their work against haters. Biggie knew how dangerous haters could bere. In fact it is widely believed that haters are the ones that gunned him down. I can’t front, I used to hate all over Biggie. I mean I liked his music, but it really used to irk me to see a dude that ugly with so many hot girls. It just didn’t seem right to me.

There was one more similarity. What was it again? Oh yeah… Both men were black!!! (Take that bible belters!)

So as I sat there pondering over these similarities I realized something. No, not that Biggie was the second coming of the messiah. I realized that if Jesus were alive today, he would be a rapper. Would you buy Jesus’ album? Would he be able to beat Nas in a battle, or outsell Jay-Z? See guys I told you. Deep thoughts. 

The “Virgin” Mary
I’ll leave you with this quick one about Mary. Would we still call Mary “The Virgin” Mary if she wasn’t always beautiful in her pictures? Personally I don’t think so. You just don’t call ugly people virgins. When you think “virgin” you think something like this –  Now since Mary is always hot in her pics, and let’s face it she is, we have no problem associating her with virgin. But lets say Mary looked more like this – . You don’t look at that pic and say Virgin. You may look at it and say “that chick is never getting laid”, but you still don’t think “virgin”. If Mary looked like Rosie instead of looking like Selma Hayek all the time (look I’m not kidding ), we would just call her plain old Mary. Virgins don’t look like this – . You think suicide bombers blow themselves up to get 72 of those?

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30 comments

  1. You’re silly.  And, you’re right…well, except, Jesus wasn’t “black” he was more of a very dark tan.  I’m sure of it.

  2. Well done! Paul Verhoeven, the Dutch movie maker just wrote a book about Jesus (in Dutch), which at least he thought was controversial (I doubt anybody else did), in which he compared Jesus to Che Guevara. Ladida. That type of analogy has already been made too often, but the notorious B.I.G., now that’s revolutionary, and funny. At the end of the day though, his message of forgiveness is far more revolutionary than any of these historians think who think he was sort of a social revolutionary.

  3. I’m confused. Someone said Jesus was his homeboy. Then somebody else said he was his Cadillac. He’s a lion, a lamb… but he’s not Biggie Smalls?? How can he be all the rest of that stuff and still not Biggie??

  4. Classic, Fats.  At first, when reading your title, I thought you were going to rip on Mary.  I was immediately prepared to rush to church and say a few Hail Marys for you while lighting my candle. LOL  As far as Jesus being black.  I’m not sure, I wasn’t alive back then.  Guess I’ll just have to wait and see (assuming I’m making it to heaven).  Yes Mary is always looking gorge in her pictures; however, can you imagine what Joseph must have looked like?  That dude NEVER got laid!

  5. Every time I see a Rosie O’Donnell picture I remember the Dave Chappelle skit where they’re at the player hater’s ball and theyre playing the games, and her picture comes up and he says “It’s Boy George and she wears underwear with dick holes in them” haha hilarious stuff man

  6. lol so true about mary! i read the comment about joseph… i thought about it before.. he must be pissed. he has to take care of this broad with a kid. smuggle them a million miles away (while she sits on his horse and he walks btw) and he never even got laid. how sad.

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