Big and PD’s V-Day Survival Guide

Alright people. Since this is a site ruled by ladies (you know its true fellas) I decided to do something for Valentine’s Day. So I teamed up with xanga’s resident ladies’ man (thebigshowatud) to give you this guide…

pimpdave  Pimp v. Playa  GQ  

1) The Gift

Big says: Let’s not mess this one up, ok? This is number one, because it’s most important, and if you’re expecting ANYTHING ELSE (ahem) on this big day, you need to come through on the gift. Now, every man/woman is different, of course… well, except that women expect something thoughtful, and men expect you to know that men want… yeah. So, it’s best for all involved to get something that you remember s/he requested MONTHS ago… like… while you were walking around the mall after a big meal, and she said “Oooh, I SO want one of THOSE!” or he said “If you ever get me THAT, right there, I’ll start washing my OWN clothes.”

PD says: The day I start washing my own clothes is the day I retire my pimp status. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get bbq sauce out of a fur? As for gifts, I occasionally will shower one of my ladies with a token of appreciation if she has a particularly good night. I keep it simple; A night off. A “no slaps for a week” card. Some creative shit like that. I try not to gas them up too much though. Nothing works against a pimp more than a ho with high self esteem.

2) The Card
PD says: I don’t really mess with no greeting cards. (Well except for on Mother’s Day. Even pimps love their mommas.) Still I can’t help but respect the greeting card industry’s gangsta. Every year they pimp millions of y’all and nobody bats an eye. The only card I’ll be giving out this weekend is my business card. I’ll walk right up to your girl while you’re on a date and say, “Hey baby girl. When you tired of messin’ with this beginner, come on and work for a winner.”

Big says:  Whatever, PimpDave. Do I really have to call you that? Everyone knows cards are standard, whether you make one or buy one. Seriously, they have $.99 ones. I’m sure a pimp can afford that. If not, I’m sure Staples has red construction paper that you can fold in half, and write “I love you” on the inside. And then draw a heart on the front with “Happy Valentine’s Day.” Max preparation time: 5 minutes; 7 if you try too hard to draw the perfect heart, freehand. It’s HARD!

3) The Pampering
Big says:
So, guys… we know women love to be pampered. There’s a section on it in every womens magazine. That’s also why people invented spas, foot massages, and facials. But I’m guessing your woman will absolutely love a massage. And so will you, because it’s HANDS-ON. See? Giving to her, is giving to you, and if you’re good, it’ll be a gift that gives again, later. Uh oh. Oh, you ladies need to know that men like massages, too, especially on the ego. You know.

PD says:  Well here is one area we actually agree on. I am all for putting my HANDS-ON a bitch. You are right, if you put your hands on a bitch they will give to you. That’s how I make my money. Also I greatly appreciate a woman who likes a good facial. We are talking about the same type of facial here right?

4) The Date
Big says:
This is generally where people spend the most time planning the special day. While everyone dreams of dressing up and eating at some posh restaurant good enough for Hell’s Kitchen, let’s remember something important: keep it simple. Seriously. It’s ok to do something low-key, like go for a walk if it’s a nice evening, or make his/her favorite meal at home, and watch a romantic movie without being around those teens who are just there to make out.

PD says: Some years, if I have a top bitch who has been making me ridiculous amounts of paper, I will take her out for Valentine’s Day. Usually we will go to dinner at my man Pretty Tony’s restaurant. He used to be in the game but got out to pursue his first love (The culinary arts). Then after dinner I let her sit next to me all night in the VIP lounge at my man Dapper Dan’s strip joint. Let everyone see how proud I am of her. There are two rules when you are on a date with me: 1) Be seen and not heard, and 2) If you even look at another dude you are walking the hell home.

5) The Bedroom
PD says:
First off ladies I am never an advocate for giving nothin’ away for free, but if your man truly earned it then you better work that ass! Make him feel like a damn king. Let him know he’s your daddy. And fellas if that ho don’t remember who daddy is you better damn well remind her. Pull her hair a little. Spank that ass. Make her call you daddy. Make her say it loud and proud! If you don’t do this a pimpin’ ass cat like me sho’ nuff will. Believe that!

Big says: For once… I almost don’t know what to say. I mean, that’s great advice, if you want the cops at your door, if you REALLY want to be on an episode of Law & Order: SVU. But assuming that you’re NORMAL, this is the part of the evening where you redeem those points you’ve earned all evening (or afternoon, for those of you want believe in xxx-tra credit). So, make it happen: candles, some flower petals, and a bedside mirror… you know… to make it… memorable. Even PimpDave would go for that.

Use this info wisely and you will have the best day ever tomorrow. Now head on over to TheBigShowAtUD‘s site for part two of our collabo.

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39 comments

  1. “I am all for putting my HANDS-ON a bitch.””Do you have any idea how hard it is to get bbq sauce out of a fur?”Please tell me why I almost peed myself reading these

  2. OMG, you guys have it all mapped out, don’t ya? (My ribs are hurting … I am still giggling. “B’leeve Dat!” oh man … )For the record, as far as #5 goes … I’m a freak. Oops, TMI!

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