The Top 10 Albums I Own That Violate My African-American Maleness

Alright it’s time to get on with life. Today I am posting the first of the reader’s choice blogs. The top vote getter. We are going to explore some of the albums I own that get me cracked on the most when my boys go through my stuff. Oh they’re bad. Trust me.

To help me in this endeavor I have enlisted the help of some friends. Aside from some of my boys who have repeatedly talked crap about me for these albums, I have asked elgaberino, one of xanga’s foremost music experts, to help me write this blog. If you guys don’t know about gabe’s music skills (or for that matter his writing skills), you better get over to his page and start learning.

Now  let’s get started shall we?

10)Radiohead – The Bends
Question: What do millions of poser emo-kids and I have in common?
A: We love Radiohead!
Radiohead is an awesome band. Even some black people know this. I have a friend of who sampled “Exit Music for a Film” on a rap song. That being said,  The Bends is just too pale for me not to recognize here. Also it makes the list as a representation of the eight, count em’ eight, Radiohead albums I own.
Ask a Black Dude: ( Phil says): “Yo, why the hell do you own so many Radiohead albums? Are you depressed?”

9) Every Album Norah Jones Has Ever Released
Norah is actually pretty cool by most measures. She has done songs with Talib Kweli, Outkast, and Q-Tip, just to name a few. However I must lose some man points for owning every one of her albums, and wanting to name my daughter (when I have one) after her.
Ask a Black Dude (Patrick Says): “Dave you’s a real bitch sometimes.”

8) Blues Traveller – Four
Well as you can tell by the name of the band, it’s blues so it’s not so bad. And anyone who has ever heard them can’t deny they’ve got some soul. Still these guysare pretty damn white.
Visit elgaberino's Xanga Site!Gabe’s Take: There’s nothing so particularly paleface as a 90’s alternative rock band masquerading around as a blues act. Among their work, no album is better known, or more widely available on cassette in thrift stores, than Four. But they’re usually more appreciated by the “acoustic-guitars and coffee shops” crowd, not the “big beats and apple-bottom jeans” crowd.

7) Diana Krall – Love Scenes
Diana is actually not that bad. She is a Jazz singer with a smooth sultry voice. Then again let’s examine this further..
Visit elgaberino's Xanga Site!Gabe ‘s Take: She’s got that air of a blond New York career girl who grew up and stumbled into fame as a recording lite jazz vocals. She’s also from the northern wooded lands to which white people always threaten to escape: Canada. She’s famously married to pale snob musician Elvis Costello, who has never been able to decide whether he wants to look like an urbane hipster or a mob movie snitch. Either way, there’s nothing very “hood” about either of these characters, and nothing more decidedly “white suburban mom” than an elevator music vocalist’s collection of love ballads.

6) Daughtry – Daughtry
If there is any, and I mean any American Idol album it is accebtable for a “brotha” to own, this is certainly not it. Ruben Studdard is the only semi-acceptable one.
Ask a Black Dude (Winston says): “You actually own this album?!!! Man, you almost as white as Randy Jackson right about now.”

5) Katie Melua – Call Off the Search
Wow. Now we’re getting down to the real embarassing stuff. I’ll let Gabe take this one.
Visit elgaberino's Xanga Site!Gabe’s Take: Katie Melua is a Georgia born singer. Why does that matter? Because she was born in the Georgia of khatchapuri and lobio, not the Georgia of black eyed peas and collard greens. An eastern European who grew up in Ireland, who makes a living being a girly bohemian singer in Europe, who doesn’t even know much fame in the states, might even cause Carlton Banks to bring your “blackness” into question. Even if that weren’t the case, consider your man-card suspended for listening to an artist whose main audience in America came from appearances in the Miss Potter (the Beatrix Potter biopic) and Nancy Drew soundtracks.

4)The Notorious B.I.G. – Ready to Die
Now you may be confused right now, so let me explain. Of course this album is one of the greatest albums in Hip Hop history, so it’s “blackness” goes without saying. The problem is that I own the clean version of the album. This is a MAJOR VIOLATION! I bought the clean version by accident, and never bothered to get the Explicit one. This pisses my boys off to no extent.
Ask a Black Dude (My boy Jamel) – “Wait a minute something’s wrong. We have been listening to this album for ten minutes and I haven’t heard him say bitch once! What the fuck? This is the clean version. That’s a bitch move Dave. A real bitch move.”

3) Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians – Shooting Rubberbands at the Stars
This one would be on top, but it is a sentimental fave of mine. Still it’s off the charts as far as how embarassing it is. No black person I know has ever heard of these people.
Visit elgaberino's Xanga Site!Gabe’s Take: Edie Brickell is a Texas white chick who helped start the rash of patchouli-smelling power-woman singer/songwriters that plagued the whole decade of the 90’s and still propels the limp careers of Alanis and Jewel. How did she help to initiate this? By releasing this debut album, which is hardly gangsta. The only thing she’s shooting are the stars. With rubber bands. In short, this is the kind of stuff middle aged white hippie women eat up.

2)Sisqo – Enter the Dragon
The hit single from this album is the Thong Song. Nuff’ said.’
Ask a Black Dude (Visit MyxlDove's Xanga SiteMyxlDove says): If I never hear The Thong Song again, it’ll be too soon. As a black man, back in the day he was bad for business… guilt by association. Non-black women asking if I like thongs and such.

1)Sheryl Crow – Tuesday Night Music Club
What? Why are you looking at me that way. I liked this album okay? Deal with it!
Visit elgaberino's Xanga Site!Gabe’ Take: Dave, do you know why you’ve been pulled you over sir? No, not because you’re black. Not even because you’re a black dude listening to countrified girl pop by the ex-girlfriend of a Tour de France champion. No. Today your man-card is officially revoked indefinitely, not for the Edie or Katie albums, but for owning and listening to a Sheryl Crow disc on purpose. There is simply no explanation, no excuse that can get you out of this one, sir. If all you wanna do is have some fun, and soak up the sun, I got a feeling you’re the only one. At least, the only self-respecting black male one.

Honorable/Dishonorable Mention
Basia – Time and Tide
Coldplay – Parachutes/ A Rush of Blood to the Head
John Mayer – Heavier Things
Alanis Morisette – MTV Unplugged

Advertisements

92 comments

  1. LOL I can’t even help you with some of these Dave. You on your own. But don’t sleep on Sheryl Crow… I gets down to some Wildflower. She may not be bringin’ da funk, but she seem hella flexible and that adds major points as a CILF.

  2. @Krissy_Cole – LMAO… Hanson… How did they ever become relevant…and Winston has no clue what he’s talking about… loland I don’t think this violates any African-American maleness… means horizons are more open to other things…D

  3. Dude, Coldplay doesn’t make you white.  Coldplay makes you gay.  And that collection isn’t too bad.  I’d say the Daughtry album is the biggest offender, but shit dude, even *I* have the unedited version Ready To Die.  You need to fix that shit ASAP.Do you own any Weird Al?  I’m gonna have to reject your Brotha Card if you do…

  4. @mrsprosa – you are a terrible person.  i see how it is.  haha.  FINE.  don’t hate mah style.  besides… it’s ONE SWEATER.  a gift, at that.  obviously not from a relative, either.  boooo.  Mrs. Forever 21.  don’t try to play me.

  5. as a white boy so pale I am damn near transparent, I also enjoy diana krall, especially her fly me to the moon cover. But daughtry? seriously? even white people know better

  6. Okay, have to say that the clean version of Ready to Die was among the funniest.  I own most of those albums also, even Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians.  I am also embarrassed by some of these, so it is possible that even us white folk find them embarrassing.

  7. OMG I love Basia….I still have it on cassette….time and tide is my favorite shower singing song lolYou know I love Blues Traveler so wasnt gonna knock you for that one but Edie Brickell really??  The what I am is what I am you what you are or what???  Worst song lyrics in the world! lmfao  Not only violates your African American maleness but i would have to take away any trace of Latino too!

  8. I love Radiohead’s “the Bends” although I must say, I have met black people who like Radiohead. So I guess Radiohead crosses the racial lines huh? Oh and as for the other albums…I like all of them. I think it is time for me to turn in my Persian membership card lol. Oh well, what can I say? I like being different lol. 

  9. oh this was laughing my ass off on the floor hilarious. =D next time just play ’em on the ipod no one would ever know…and throw that clean version of biggie in the trash once and for all! shame shame!

  10. Norah Jones is thee junk!!! And I, too owned the Tues night music club… my aunt bought it for me… but I LOVE Ms. Crow!!! It’s cool though I’ve already had my black card revoked… I actually owe the deck a few more lol!!!

  11. Gabe must sleep with earbuds.  how else do you explain his crazy knowledge of all thingz music?funny commentary, Gabe.Dave, you live like you wanna live brother, nobody gonna botha you. (know what song that’s from?)

  12. Interesting that the only one of these artists I would ever listen to is Notorious BIG and I’m white. Not that I listen to mostly black music either, I prefer white rap and punk rock but of these artists you listed, he would be my top pick.Oh and for your future daughter’s sake, please don’t name her after Nora Jones. She will probably grow up to hate Nora Jones and resent you for naming her after her.

  13. This list is quite shameless,…with the exception of Katie Melua; who can be justified on the basis that she’s ridiculously hot, and you’ve just got it for the little pictures of her in the CD inlay.At least, that’s my excuse.

  14. #4 and #2 are hilarious. When I was younger my parents would compromise by letting me buy all the controversial music I wanted, so long as I bought the clean versions of the cds. I still have a clean version of a Jay-Z cd to this day…. oops!

  15. David, David, David. Were it not for my penchant for Zydeco, my Caucasian husband, my tendency to wear dresses sewn by a Mennonite friend, and the fact that I actually read and liked “When Sisterhood Was In Flower”, I’d be forced to brand you the very palest of my cousins (figuratively speaking, of course). When the world  brands you a Cosby, when you find yourself singing spirituals at a cocktail party, when the longing for pork rinds and grape kool-aid finally breaks you down, come on home. We’ll have the guest room and some streak-o-lean laced collards waiting for you. Oh! And some lambi louisianaise.

  16. Oh my god…loved this blog, lol!  I love going through peoples music collections and the more deverse the better.  I’m actually far more impressed with people that go outside of what you would assume they listen to and when they get smacked for it, can defend it.My very ghettolicious buddy April, (who loves to claim I am the whitest white girl she has ever seen while I can claim she is officially the darkest sister I have ever known, lol), has Johnny Cash’s Greatest Hits, Enya, Joni Mitchell and Peter Frampton in her collection.  When I first found them I just started laughing and looked at her in amazement, (she is beyond heavily into gangster rap), she said, “Oh no!  Don’t you give me shit about that stuff too!  Your not allowed since your white.”In all actuality I wasn’t about to, I was just impressed if amused. We had a good laugh about it and when she came over to my place and found all my George Clinton, Digital Underground, Eric B. and Rakim and Mary J. discs she cocked an eyebrow at me that time.

  17. Hey Dave, ABD here. I should really do a list like yours about my musical tastes that violate my “whiteness”but I am not 100% I would hit the mark as well as you did. I will shoot you some ideas and let you know what I was thinking soon. Great list.

  18. I like Diana Krall a lot, and that album is the only one I own of hers. I guess I should check out more of her stuff, but I’ve been busy pounding my eardrum with some MANLY brutal Death Metal. Bring on the Deicide, Napalm Death, and Cannibal Corpse!! ARRRRRRRGGGHHHH!! 

  19. @ExposedWrists – Eric B and Rakim eh? I am impressed as well.Peter Frampton though? That is a bit much. lol.@TheLoquaciousLady – I missed your smart ass comments. It felt so empty here without them.@theblackspiderman – I told y’all it was bad. I like to have that stuff on the radio just in case the cops pull me over.@MochaSprinkle – Fail. Although Jay-Z is way more poppish than Biggie.@another_rebel_without_a_cause – Yeah. In retrospect maybe that should have been number 1.@My_HAT_is_older_than_you – Damn. It’s worse than I thought.@MakinzyKrysteen – haha. That makes me feel much worse.@playdoughKID – yeah I just like her voice. I never even looked at the pics much. That would have been a good excuse though.@YossariansWingman – haha. That would just sound weird.

  20. sir, sorry I’m  late, but I needed to rip whatever is left of your card in half. I was under the impression that you were asking about the above on a COMPLETELY different level, since you gave the hypothetical that “ya boy just copped said album.” Dude, don’t go to the dark side. You see from the NY Post what they wanna do to you… 

  21. So there’s this dude in the cafe, right, and he’s noticing that I’m laughing my ass off.”So I have to ask, Miss, what’s so funny?” “Oh, I’m reading a friend’s blog, and this particular post makes me question every notion I had about the man.” But that’s not entirely true, because you can still make me laugh, no matter how, uh, how does one say…no matter how much your musical tastes provide an anomaly.So the guy in the cafe probably thinks I’m a bitch or something. It’s alright. I love you Dave.

  22. Coldplay? Seriously? Do I own more Isaac Hayes records than you now, or something?RYC: HAHTo be fair, my credit sucks, mayo makes me gag, I don’t play Yahtzee, I hate DMB, and I’m Italian. But…point taken.

  23. OH I HATE BASIA!!! (no offense) I associate it with a weird ex.And this list not only makes you white – it makes you white and ELDERLY!!! just so you know. Except for Coldplay. I like them. But my favorite music is probably old 70s rock like Led Zeppelin. Can black guys like Zeppelin?

  24. @LipGlossKilla – This post was not about me labelling things or not labelling things. This came from all the good natured ribbing I get from friends when they find out some of the suff I listen to. It really wasn’t meant to be that deep at all.

  25. Dave, my dear young thing … You are teetering dangerously towards “middle class suburban dentist office singers” with some of these choices, you know. I like Sheryl Crow, and I admit to having Four … But even I, a white lady from Canada, don’t listen to Diana Krall (although she gains a couple coolness points for being married to Elvis Costello … ).I’m just happy that I don’t see any Duran Duran or Eagles on your list … *snicker* …

  26. This was a funny post. I actually have a couple of these. I wonder if that has any effect on my female blackness or if it only applies to black men? 🙂

  27. Thats a load question. Do you mean my name or what type of person I am? What kind of job I do? Anyway as much as I like to keep people in suspense I’ll have pity just this once…I am an appreciator of the art of good conversations. I dont personally know you. I’m educated and interesting; and right now I’m interested in you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s