Jesus Would Be in an Asylum…(Re-Writing the Bible Pt.2)

Timing is everything.

We as a society have grown more and more cynical with time. With the advent of the information age, cynicism has reached an all time high. I often wonder what would happen if certain biblical events were transposed to today.

I think it’s a bit easier to believe that Noah built an ark and put two of EVERY animal on it thousands of years ago than it would be to believe that he did it last month. Would we believe that Mary was a virgin mother if she made that announcement today? Most didn’t even believe her in her time. Many of the stories (like the story of Mary) sound like fodder for an episode of Jerry Springer.

My favorite story in the bible is the story of lot. It is the ultimate example of why the bible should not be taken literally. If the story of Lot took place today it would read like a horrible tabloid news article. Let’s go through the highlights.

GOD was having a discussion with his servant, Abraham. GOD said, “The people living in the villages of Sodom and Gomorra cities of New York and San Francisco are terrible. They do not follow the will of God… I will simply kill them all.

…”If you cannot find one good man in that village of Sodom city of New York, I will kill them all.”

…”Open the door”, cried the men of Sodom New York.

“What do you want,” said Lot.

“You know what we want. We want to have sex with those two men that are in your house. That is what we want.”, said the men.

“I will tell you what,” said Lot. “I have two virgin daughters. They have never been with a man. I will turn them out and you can fulfill all of your sexual desires with my two daughters. Do with them what you will. Just do not touch the two men who are guests in my house.”

That is just jacked up. Who would get away with something like that today? But it gets worse. Check out what happens after God brings down the fire and the brimstone.

Finally, after some days, one daughter said to the other. “Now, we are all alone. All the people of our village of Sodom city of New York are dead. We have nothing left. We also have no men to become our husbands. We have only our father left. What shall we do?”

Finally, the two virgin daughters hit upon a plan. They found some grapes. They made them into wine. They prepared the wine for their father. Their father, not knowing what their plan was, drank the wine. Finally, their father became completely drunk. They carried Lot into his cave and laid him down.

One daughter left the other alone with Lot in the cave. The daughter in the cave with Lot had sex with her father. Lot was completely drunk and did not know what he was doing. The next day, Lot had no memory of this.

The next night, the two daughters brought some more wine. Lot drank the wine and got drunk again. Again, they took them into his cave. This time, the other daughter had sex with her father. The next morning, Lot had no memory of any of this.

Virgins, rape, incest. This story has got it all. Tell me these people would not be the most reviled people ever by today’s standards. Tell me we wouldn’t find this the most disgusting thing ever. Under today’s standards this is just sick behavior, yet somehow since it happened thousands of years ago, it becomes holy writ. It becomes morally relevant. I don’t think so.

So tell me this, how would Jesus be received today? Would we need an accompanying youtube video before we believed in any of his miracles? Water into wine? I gotta see this! Walking on water or CGI?

Which celebrities would he have to befriend in order to win over public opinion? Or maybe he would be a celebrity himself.

In all honesty, I think it’s more likely he would be in an asylum with all the rest of the people who claim that they are the messiah. But that’s just me.

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52 comments

  1. i never knew that part of the story.which you’re right, it is really gross for today’s standards.i think jesus would have been put in an asylum toobecause a lot of people would think he has a mental disorder

  2. Your brain works in such strange ways.  You’ve done gone and stuck Jesus in an asylum!Ayiyi!  (I like your tags…they make me smile!)

  3. Hmm, perhaps that’s why God chose to come to earth at a different time, when he felt he would be received?  But, I guess that’s begging another question entirely.The real question is, what would they do if his miracles were as observable as the Scriptures claim?  Could you imprison a man who committed verifiable miracles, brought people back from the dead, and defended prostitutes from mob justice?  But, substituting New York and San Francisco for Sodom and Gomorrah isn’t terribly accurate.  According to the scriptures there weren’t any righteous people in those cities, as opposed to New York and San Francisco, which have a mix of good and bad.  Your substitution is apples and oranges, Dave.  Still, it’s an interesting thought.There’s a movie that came out a few years ago about basically whaty ou’re talking about – it’s called “hero.”  You might like it, depending on your movie tastes and interest in the subject.

  4. Jesus really only came to teach two things…love God, and love others…everything else was superfluous. If you loved God and loved your neighbor, you fulfilled all those commandments from the OT.

  5. Lol..your tags are hilarious….you kno you’ve ruffled some feathers with this one…But I get where you’re coming from w/ the whole literal-contempary translation…some things just sound wrong when put in today’s terms lol

  6. Actually, I’m pretty sure the story of Lot is meant to be an example of how not to live your life. There’s certainly a place for bad examples in Holy Writ, isn’t there? There are sinners as well as saints among us; sometimes they may even both be the same individual.Plenty of people in Jesus’ own time said He was insane, as well.

  7. I could write off the actions of Lot as not representative of anything if Peter didn’t say:“…righteous Lot, who was oppressed by the filthy conduct of the wicked (for that righteous man, dwelling among them, tormented his righteous soul from day to day by seeing and hearing their lawless deeds) then the Lord knows how to deliver the godly out of temptations and to reserve the unjust under punishment for the day of judgment…” 2 Peter 2:7-9Of course, the explanation I have seen for this is that we do not see Lot as righteous today because we fail to understand the customs of the day. It would have been better to offer his own virgin daughters to the pack of gang rapists than allow guests to be molested.But the Bible says Lot was righteous. Does God change? Do God’s standards of righteousness morph?If not, then Lot’s actions are righteous and godly to this day, and we must do likewise.Scary.

  8. I have always been disturbed by that story… It’s just wrong and I think if that happened today… there would be some type of Dateline or 20/20 special on it… I guess it’s holy writ to tell us NOT to do it. IDK I’m SURE Jesus would be an A-lister today.

  9. Hm, I see after reading these comments that the latest popular explanation is that the Bible tells us about Lot so we’ll see how NOT to live.Except 2 Peter says that Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed and made “an example to those who afterward would live ungodly” while “righteous Lot” was delivered.LOL CHERRY PICKING!!!!…Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

  10. but if jesus never came and made that whole “messiah” thing big news, than there probably wouldn’t be that many nutjobs claming to be the messiah also because christianity would never have started, constantine would never have converted the roman empire to catholicism, and a whole lot of other things would have never happened. besides, jesus did show up in america one time. ask the mormons.

  11. @ModernBunny – It also says that a great tribe of Israel arose from the incest between Lot and his daughters.I will have more for you afte I am finished watching this movie.@woodrowwilson – lol. I was actually thinking about incoroporating Joseph Smith into this too. Good points you make there.@randomneuralfirings – well we like to think that we are more civilized as a society today don’t we. Would the people who live by his word even believe it if it was being said here and now?

  12. Yeah, the Bible is a disease, really misguided.  I’m not a big fan of religion.  Some are better than others though.”Which celebrities would he have to befriend in order to win over public opinion? Or maybe he would be a celebrity himself.”Those who wished to live, I guess.  I would have been the lil’ dragger of fate.  Come with me. We shall test your faith with that cliff over there.  Only a true believer will fall with God’s grace.  Here, I will go first.  Of course, I know to grab the branch as I kick the other guy down. He, of course, was stiff from fear and questioning such a statement. Too late for him.  I return to the village and say that the man was possessed by demons, and I feared for my own faith.  Virgins. I’ve been one for 21 years, and it’s nothing special.  I would prefer to sacrifice myself in Aztec/ Mayan culture, honestly. 



  13. Okay. I do kind’of believe in this stuff from my personal mental illness.  It’s not mixed blood though. It’s just a lil’ sensitive. 

  14. “Does God change? Do God’s standards of righteousness morph?”Or, could the same person ever be an example of righteousness in some respects and an example of unrighteousness in other ways?…. Nah, you’re right; it’s much easier to view the world in black and white.

  15. Jesus was more like, the first hippy ever. He broke all social norms by hanging out with unmarried women – and he taught that loving god and the people around you – were the two most significant things you could do in your life.The story of Lot, and his daughters… is um – disgusting. Like, it always makes me want to throw up. I think there are people who wouldn’t believe in Christ, if he were here today – but I don’t know that he’d do anything to warrant being put in an asylum. I doubt it. Plus, he’d just – get himself out… being all powerful and what not. šŸ˜› I do think he’d get kicked out of most churches, including “Christian” churches, though – for not being nearly narrow minded enough.

  16. nice Bible study, Dave.  this feels like… devotions.and it’s not the most disgusting thing, ever.  that story would be the season finale of Law & Order: SVU.HUGE RATINGS. total blasphemy.  i hope people find this on a Google search.  ha.

  17. Is it ironic that a Bible-believing commenter on this post accused me of seeing things in black and white?2nd Peter called Lot a righteous man who had been delivered from destruction, deal with it, suckaz.

  18. hmm.. well… i don’t even know what to say! I think… I’ll…just… not say anything …. :)OTHER THEN… don’t miss the woods…for the trees….the end.

  19. wow! see ive read the bible but what i hear people preach from where i work ( i work as a nursery attendant at a church) the stories seem a lil crazy and that one just proved it.

  20. Great pick! The story of Lot is always great for laughs. It’s in my top 3 most hilarious Bible stories.You overlooked that the most obvious S&G analogous American city is (well, was ā€“ and may be again) New Orleans.About Jesus, you know he never actually flat out claimed to be the messiah, although he said some things people were pretty sure that’s what he meant. I doubt he’d be locked up, is what I’m saying, much less spending his time in America, but you might find him on YouTube splitting loaves and fishes, walking on water and healing lepers. We’d all be scrolling back and watching it over and over, going, “Is that shit for real?”

  21. @ModernBunny – Well, now let’s see. You’re arguing from a literal reading of the Bible, hinging on the assumption that the same person couldn’t possibly do something unrighteous and still be considered righteous in another context. (So either he was a good guy or a bad guy– Black and white, no?) I’m proposing a more fluid understanding of Scripture based on the “big picture,” and a complex understanding of human nature that allows that the same person could have a mixture of righteous and unrighteous actions in his life. Your reading of the Bible makes God into a moral monster, and mine leaves open the chance of understanding, repentance, and new beginnings. And I’m characterized as the narrow-minded black-and-white Bible-believer?No way could anyone see that as ironic.

  22. Yeah he would be in a nut house. People are stubborn in todays society, so unless he could pull some Jedi stunts he would be locked up, scoffed at and called a heathen of some sort.Ironically that’s the same thing that he had to pull in his own time according to the bible. In the end without his Jedi powers Jesus is going to have to work and corrupt his way up the financial/political ladder in order to gain recognition like everyone else.(I apologize if I sound pro-religion here, I am not. The way I worded everything is kind of nagging me now…)

  23. “…And they took the happiest man in the world away to an asylum.”  –Chesterton, The Ball and the Cross, ch. 1So yes, I think you would enjoy reading yourself some Chesterton.

  24. @Pass_the_Aura – Show me the righteous man who would offer to throw his daughter to gang rapists- by their fruits you shall know them; out of the heart, the mouth speaks- and I’ll show you the loosest interpretation of Biblical doctrine on earth.Lot’s wife was turned to salt for one glance over her shoulder. Lot was lauded as godly. Priorities!

  25. @Pass_the_Aura –  Just wondering, if that were true… why didn’t God kill Lot and his family as well. It’s pretty evil to offer up your daughters for Celestial beings that can defend themselves just fine (they’ve battled Satan for Christ’s sakes), and then the daughters go and rape their father… These people should have been killed by God’s own standards, but then again his standards tend to confuse the hell out of me at times.Oh, I guess you kind of answered that question. I don’t buy it, but…

  26. @ModernBunny – You know it’s well known that the gay bashers love this story, but it is also a favorite of anti-feminists. Lot’s wife is up there with Eve in the pantheon of disobedient bible wenches.

  27. Well, I saw Chris Angel walk on water once.  Very cool.That aside, you have good points here and I’ve often read the Old Testement myself with that same sense of horror: “These are people we’re supposed to admire?”  Abraham ready to make a blood sacrrifice of his own little boy?  Or abandoning his concubine and her son in the desert to die just because his wife had her own child now and was now jealous of the very surrogate mother she’d asked for. King David laying waste to people just because they didn’t worship his god, raping women and then casting them down a well, staking his male prisoners to the ground and then cutting half of them in half, burning house, crops, animals, and children alike.  *SHUDDERS*  I know what that was and it was anything but holy.

  28. This post has some very serious issues.  I guarantee that everything in the Bible happened to the very last detail.  If you don’t believe me, turn to the history books.  It is written all over the history books about the events described in the Bible.  I don’t care if you don’t believe in the Bible as a literal history, literal truth.  I don’t care about your opinions about God and His Word.  What I am concerned is how God cares for your concerns.  Whether you believe in Him or not; He’s there.  He wants you to come to Him; but if you continually reject Him and His Spirit He will not continually be gracious and merciful because He is a just and holy God who can not be in the presence of sin and rebellion; which the world is full of.  I hope you consider very carefully the words that you read in the Bible because whether you believe it or not it is the Truth.

  29. @vanedave – Well… if you’re into that sort of them.  I’m not.  I tried hard to understand the mind set that could call it good, so I read it through and through more than once… and still found it very disturbing.  All I can figure is that a very primitive people will look up to their powerful gods just for being powerful.  Maybe they’re terrified of them too.  The original books/tales on which Genesis and some of the other early books are based are what the ancient Summerians considered their history of encountering 72 beings called Ellohim that descended from the sky to the earth and bioengineered them as slaves using pre-hominids and a smidge of Ellohim DNA.  The Ellohim then divided the slaves amongst themselves and the one that was called Yaweh/Jehovah (it was just three letters ended up with the tribe later called Hebrews. Hence, the “Worship no other god before me.”  He wasn’t denying the others existed, just demanding the loyalty of his slaves to himself.  Hence, aforementioned attitude makes sense… for the primitives.  For me, I don’t like it and won’t have it.

  30. @joshstormont – who said I don’t believe in God. I never said that. I just said I don’t take the bible as his word. At least not all of it.@Ampbreia –  I meant good like entertaining, not in the sense that it’s holy. That stuff you were talking about is high drama if nothing else.

  31. I’ve had this discussion with friends . . . there really are no miracles that wouldn’t come off as party gags – or have Penn Gillette claiming it was bullshit. That doesn’t say anything for or against the existence of god, but unfortunately, if they were to start performing miracles today, instead of the Bible, they’d be recorded in the Inquirer.

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