Humble Pie. Mmm It’s Soooo Good.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you my momma…

Here we go!  I think you forget that your MOM is on your distribution list.  If you didn’t forget, well, that’s just sad. I try to keep in mind that you are trying to be funny, emphasis on TRYING.  I think you take advantage of the fact that your grandmothers are elderly and do not have computers.  However, all of your aunts and I do and we can (and will) make your life miserable in the most unexpected ways.  This is clearly a cry for help, and I am sure all of us, the dynamic women in your life, will make it our mission to help you.  To educate you, enlighten you, and make you a better man. Even if it kills you!

So let us begin by breaking down your rantings point by point:

  • Women have one month of the year to celebrate their accomplishments.  Yet, men have a slew of holidays.  There is Veteran’s Day, the day that commemorates the many wars men have created.  Memorial Day, another day commemorating wars men created. Groundhog Day, when a member of your species tries to decide if he wants to come out of the dark, dingy, dirty hole its been in all winter. Usually, they do not.  And the biggest male holiday of all, April Fools Day.
  • As for women’s rights and equality. Susan B. Anthony & Cady Stanton leading peaceful marches for the right to vote are the images that come to mind. What is not shown are the atrocities suffered by average women to earn this right. Women were frequently thrown in jail without being charged or convicted of any crime. They were beaten, raped and even murdered; often times by police and other authority figures. As for equality; women are still paid 25%-30% less than men doing the same work. Men get 25% more because they have a penis. 
  • According to you women get perks for having breasts. Most of the women who use their boobs to pay the rent are called prostitutes. In most cases, behind every prostitute there is a bigger boob called a pimp. Even in these cases, the woman has to give up her salary to a man, even though she does all the work!  Besides, is it really a woman’s fault that a man will give up anything for boobs!  Let’s ask Elliot Spitzer or Bill Clinton.
  • That’s correct, you are not supposed to hit a woman!! Some day, you should spend time at family court, just to see how lucky women are.  The figures for domestic violence and child abuse are staggering.  The fact remains, that men are almost always the perpetrators.  Still, women generally get 3x longer sentences for defending themselves against an abuser than a man does for being the abuser. Not to mention, the countries around the world that turn a blind eye to Uxoricide(wife killing), Female Infanticide and Sexual Slavery.
  • Women have Lifetime and Oprah.  Men have almost every freaking sport in the world on TV and cable; not to mention tons of soft porn.
  • Finally, you refer to women as bitches or acting like bitches several times. To me, this is the ultimate hypocrisy! Women are referred to in derogatory terms for the exact same behavior men exhibit. Men socialize, women gossip. Men are authoritative, women are bossy nags. Men are tempermental, women are bitches. By the way, MEN HAVE PERIODS TOO!  Most of us (including your mother) find this an offensive term because it generally refers to a woman who refuses to remain silent and obedient in a man’s world.


A note to the Ladies; I will not apologize for my son for he is young and DUMB as hell.  I say that with great love and affection.  Deep down (I mean deep!), David knows he is surrounded by amazing women who have and will continue to enrich his life.  You all know that to know him is to love him.  Darnit!! Who knew when he learned his first words that he would never stop talking.  By the way, I am posting this email on every feminist blog I can find. 

To all of the Goddesses, I leave you with these quotes in celebration of Women’s History Month:

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.”
Margaret Thatcher

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”
Marion Pearson

A man’s women folk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity. His most gaudy sayings and doings seldom deceive them; they see the actual man within, and know him for a shallow and pathetic fellow. In this fact, perhaps, lies one of the best proofs of feminine intelligence, or, as the common phrase makes it, feminine intuition.
H. L. Mencken  (a man)

So now you all have a little taste of where I get it from. How can I be scared of getting into it with any of you when I have had years of butting heads with such a brilliant woman? I am battle tested baby! 

mom
Love you too momma
 

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73 comments

  1. Dear (Mom),I disagree with your views on (how I am DUMB). This is because (I am not DUMB). The way I see it (people say I get my intelligence from you. So if I’m DUMB than.. uh you know what forget I even started that thought. You win. I’m DUMB as hell.). Thanks for writing this. I’ve enjoyed discussing this with you.

  2. Your mother is fantastic =)And you know your mom would kick your ass to no tomorrow if you ever mistreated a girl too. That’s why we all know you’re probably a huge sweetheart when it comes down to it.

  3. Amazing!  I’ve seen so many anti-women’s history month posts.  It’s ridiculous.  I agree with them, but it’s nice to see the other side too.

  4. Aww, I love the picture of you and your mom!  She really wrote this, huh?  She sounds great, and I love her definition of April Fool’s Day!  LOL  I’d say she knows (deep down, lol) that she raised a good son!Kathi

  5. Your mother is fantastic! 🙂  I love the quotes. You’re a lucky guy to have a mom like that.<table align=”left” border=”0″ cellpadding=”10″><tbody><tr><td>”If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving aninfant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without evenconsidering if there are men on base.”  ~Dave Barry

  6. Oh wow…I love your mom!  She brought up every point I wanted to say in a comment to your former blog before my internet went crazy yesterday. I don’t know if my comment got sent or not….but I’m sort of sorry it was a long one anyhow.Hey, I’ll say this…I don’t hate you for anything you said the other day because you have the right to feel the way you do, although I would like to believe that a part of it was drenched in sarcasim).  I’m just excited now to get to know you more here at Xanga because of the fact that you clearly came from such a strong woman who helped mold you into the hard headed man that you are!  Mmmm, I love good debate and amazing people! Great stuff my dear!

  7. Lol pwnd. I thought it would be a buttload of yomomma jokes. That was totally unexpected, and hilarious. XD Your mother’s smile is beautiful 🙂

  8. I love your Momma! She and I will get along just fine, thank you very much; and we’ll have FUN keeping your butt in line, mister! 🙂 Add in TheLoquaciousLady; and we’ll show you three women who defy any stereotype you can come up with… no matter how funny. I think your Mom needs her own Xanga. Set her up, will ya?Does your Mom know about your Creole Cousin and the white blonde one in Atlanta? Okay the blonde is out of a bottle; but still!

  9. I don’t think Veteran’s and Memorial day are really ‘happy’ holidays for men, haha.You’re a brave man letting your mother post, cheers!

  10. You know what?  One of the things I like about your blog right off the bat (I just started reading it in time for this) is that you welcome the debate.  First you linked to the person criticizing you, then you post this response from your mom, who you knew was reading your blog even when you posted the think that started all of this.  This is what is so important about free speech, not just the right, but the courage to use it to say what you think, right or wrong.  If someone says something that is insensitive or even wrong, it creates a debate, and how are any of us going to learn if people keep their thoughts to themselves? 

  11. “Still, women generally get 3x longer sentences for defending themselves against an abuser than a man does for being the abuser.” Can you point me to your source for this statistic or to similar ones? Thanks.

  12. i’m late, everyone said everything, but DAMN! (sorry moms if you read this and my language), but you just got put in CHECK! Makes me want to go put all my mess in ‘private’, and start over.

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