Farting in Church…

I have done some pretty messed up things in my twenty-six years on this earth. I peed on a government building, I’ve used my grandmother’s credit card to pay for a porn site (I was fifteen and I got caught of course), I’ve swindled an old drunk guy out of 80 bucks in a game of basketball, and let’s not forget about the time I purchased a clean version of a Notorious B.I.G. album. However with all of these horrible things I have done, there are few things that have filled me with more guilt than when I have farted in church.

Farting in church can be one of the most awful experiences in life. You are in a crowded place, but people are spaced out enough so that they can pinpoint where a fart originated. The acoustics at church are great, so your fart will be amplified if it is not silent. If you lay one that is loud enough or stinky enough to disrupt mass, you will have the watchful eyes of an entire parish on you. Plus once you’ve laid one you feel like all the statues in the place are judging you. Especially Jesus on the cross.

jesus judge
I die for your sins and this is the thanks I get Dave? 

You know it’s kind of ironic, but when you fart in church it makes you pray. It makes you pray that no one figures out it was you. If even one person turns to you and gives you a dirty look, you feel as though the whole congregation will know by the next day. It also makes you pray to god for forgiveness. You feel like you just slapped him in the face for a sec. You can’t be dissin’ god like that! In fact there is a little known 11th commandment that not to many people are aware of:

Commandment 11: Thou shalt not fart in the house of the Lord!

As bad as the initial horrible feeling this transgression brings with it is, the feeling of relief you have if you don’t get caught is one of the best feelings in the world. It feels like you’ve been absolved of some shameful, unforgivable sin. I remember the last time I farted in church. It was about six years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I was lucky enough to let out a silent one, but it was a pretty warm one so I was certain it was going to smell horrible. As I waited for the fart cloud to run it’s course I was nervous as hell. I felt like the guy from The Tell Tale Heart. A minute or two passed. I began to work up a cold sweat. Slowly I began to realize that no one had noticed. I was so happy. I had gotten away with it. Crisis averted!

Now before I go, I thought I would share some tips on what to do if faced with having to pass gas during mass. Now keep in mind that it is easier to accomplish this feat in some churches than it is in others. I myself am talking about a catholic church, where the service is very somber and reserved. Also there is an atmosphere of guilt to begin with that makes the whole ordeal worse. Getting away with a fart in a Baptist church would be a far easier thing to do. There is ll sorts of singing and people praising and what not. A fart could easily go unnoticed with all that commotion. If this is not the kind of church you go to then you may find this advice helpful:

Church Fart Do’s and Don’ts
Do try to fart while there is singing going on. You should make sure you are singing while you do it too. Look as normal as possible.
Do not fart during the homily (the priest’s speech). This is the time when people are zoning out and are easily distracted. They will notice it.
Do fart while you are kneeling. This way you can put your head down and avoid all eye contact with people. You can always tell if someone farted by looking into their eyes.
Do not fart while sitting. Those wooden pews transfer vibrations really well. Someone will feel your fart.
Do not try to make your way outside to fart unless you are ABSOLUTELY sure you will make it. Getting up draws attention to you. If you fart on the way out all eyes will be on you.
Do fart while going up to get communion. This is the part of mass where you are supposed to be walking around. You can fart and move away from it quickly. Plus there is singing at this point too.
Do not look at the statues. You may just die of guilt.
Do not fart during the gospel or the Eucharist. These are the two worst times to do it. Not only are these the holiest parts of the mass, but they are also the quietest. People are in deep meditation at this point. A fart could prove to be disastrous.

Alright that’s all for today. Hope this was helpful to some of you. I try to make a difference in people’s lives. I really do.

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94 comments

  1. When I was REALLY little, my Grandma used to feed me candy in church to make me be quiet, and once when I was sitting on her lap she ran out, so I kept farting on her because I was sure she was holding out on me.

  2. I once farted during a school assembly… on a metal bench. It amplified the sound quite nicely. Luckily it also dispersed the origin and I was able to blame one of the popular kids. I considered that a double victory.Also, I once peed in the holy water in a church after sharing a few jugs of communion wine with a hot Catholic girl in a rebellious stage. True story.

  3. @Undercover_Librarian – Not much to tell… she lived in some weird campus Christian housing that was attached to a church. I was young and dumb and horny (actually, I still am, just less young). She was going through this rebellious stage and wanted to sneak into the church and get drunk on the wine. Oh, and she promised to wear the schoolgirl outfit. After two jugs of wine my inhibitions were dangerously low, and she convinced me it’d be a good idea. Oh, and we made out in a pew for a bit. Luckily I have no soul, otherwise it’d be going to hell on a bullet train.

  4. oh, rotflol. although, this brings back an embarrasing memory, my sister and I were sitting next to a few of my friends, she farted and blamed it on me, and everyone believed it, I swear I was red all the way to my toes.

  5. When I was in the ministry there was something about getting up in front of the people to preach that made my stomach churn and I had to hold back.  Luckily when there was a song, I snuck off to a room on the side of the church that was an office and had a small bathroom.  I think the worst I ever did was start to dose off during a Bible reading…not that bad but I was giving the reading.

  6. Ha! Pretty awesome stuff. Me personally feel no guilt at anything church-related, especially not the Catholic church. In fact, I have stood in front of the altar, and given the Jesus statue the finger. This has been, of course, *after* mass, when the area is totally empty. Heh, heh.  I also flip the bird at churches of any sort when I drive by them. It just gives me that warm, fuzzy feeling. 

  7. temperature of flatulation=smell of flatulation?! …huh.. i learn new things everyday.. one time during the Christmas Service at church my leather boot (which ..looking back weren’t appropriate for church..and it was probably bad karma for wearing them in a House of God) squeaked up against the wooden pew leg.. my whole 8 member family errupted in purple barely-constrained laughter in the second to front pew.. they refuse to believe I didn’t fart.. to this day… that kinda was kinda crazy..this was so much better then the ho hall of fame… 

  8. Wow, that was great lol! as a catholic, the imagery was so realistic 😛 something I’ve noticed in my church, the older you are, the more forgiving the congregation is towards you farting. Ie: an 80 year old woman farting isn’t noticed as much as an 18 year old farting. Go figure.

  9. omigawd hilarius hahahahahahahahahahahahaha wunse wen i wuzzan alterboy the deakun wuz reedin the gospul & i wuz sittin nxt to the priest & he rippd a knarley wun i sware i thot i wuz gunna choke it wuz then he leand in close to my ear & sed oooops the holy ghost made me doit & that wuz wen i burst out laffin & hadda run into the sakristy hahahahahahahahahahahaha gawd i almst soild my cassok i wuz laffin so hard & then i got in trouble for disruptin the mass hahahahahahahaha

  10. Lawd a mercy. I was at a bible study once and the lady leading the prayer farted in the middle of prayer….LOUD AND LONG!And she just kept going like nothing happened, as did everyone else….I was looking around like “there is no way I’m saying amen to that!”

  11. LMAO! Church farts are the worst! I went to a Baptist church for a lot of years and one guy had no qualms about farting – even when there wasn’t commotion. Talk about awkward! I learned early on never sit behind him. That was probably the worst Sunday ever.

  12. hahaha and all so true. what’s even better is when people fall asleep and start snoring loudly in church.  that’s my personal favorite.  also the man that says “amen” at clearly the most inappropriate times.  or the person in the congregation that swears because showers have great acoustics, that means they have a good singing voice and should sing on the top of their lungs even when they’re definitely wrong.

  13. Haha! I guess I’m lucky because I go to a church where we have individual padded chairs (no vibration on the pews) and there’s usually so much singing or laughing going on that no one would be able to hear it.

  14. guilt, huh? You must be Greek Orthodox.While in church (Catholic) the old lady in front of me was quite “exuberant” and filled with the spirit of..maybe not the lord, maybe more the stuffed cabbage from lunch. (Afternoon mass) Letting one slip out is ok, but when you are doing a trumpet solo during the time when the priest says”let us pray”, you are just showing off. Needless to say, I tried hard holding in laughter, I felt the whole pew shaking, and I didn’t need to turn my head to know the rest of my family was trying in futility to stifle laughter. and the more one of us tried to stifle, and began shaking, it made us laugh more until we were giggling: a bunch of people in their twenties and their mom in her 40’s giggling like bad kids with our heads tucked down.After mass, the priest came up to us, a group of red-eyed and teary people, and the priest asked us if everything was ok, because he noticed we seemed broken up during mass. We said we’d make it through, nothing major, and left with a blessing. Then we got in the car and laughed ourselves stupid.And that is why I make cartoons.

  15. Dave this was fantastic!   I don’t remember any farting stories from when I was  a teen but I was always having to leave the building because of the giggles or all out laughing so hard I  couldn’t breathe.  Once, an older lady in the row in front of me was nodding off and her head jerked and then her wig flew forward onto the floor in front of her.  Another time a woman was taking her baby to the back, I think to change it’s diaper and down the aisle they went with little poops dropping out along the way.  Mom was oblivious but husband saw it and was following behind her all red faced and scooping the poops up.  Good Times! .@pansybradshaw – The holy spirit made me do it – LOL

  16. @storyslut – i wunse went to midnyte mass @grace kathedrul in sf with my best frend a notorius skoffer the man in fonta us had fallen asleep while neeling he wuz snorin preety harshly but it wuz hiz hairy ass plummerz crak that reely shokd me & hiz boxerz which wer on insyde out witha syze 52 glaring @us az we nelt behynd him hahahaha betty whisperd to me “missy petit” & ryte then the man madda huge snarking noyze & i guffawd right outloud i hadda go outsyde & hava cigarette after that wun  

  17. The worse thing that’s ever happened to me in church was when I fell asleep. Later, after the sermon, my brother and I walked up to the bishop and my brother introduced me to him. I didn’t think the bishop would notice me since there were so many people in the church… but he greeted me with, “Oh, you were the one who was sleeping.” I was so embarrassed… I now know that those who stand up there has eyes like God.

  18. That sure makes me glad I don’t go to church! Although I agree with the person above, snoring is much worse LOL. 

  19. I shouldn’t laugh because you’re mocking Jesus – but I have to say, all of us fart almost everywhere at some point in our lives and sometimes it is embarrassing, but it is the truth. Right? 

  20. Long ago, I was a counselor at a Christian summer camp.  At the end of the week we counselors gave out the awards to all the campers.  Everyone got an award of some kind, usually inspired by the most memorible thing they’d done that week.  I’ll never forget one kid we gave a baby rattle to along with an awesome nametag that had a super hero sounding name “The Rattler” with a fierce looking rattlesnake.  We didn’t explain the award, we just made it sound like he was this awesome super hero named “The Rattler”.  The only memorible thing he’d done that week was fart during chapel and, dang, did he make those wooden pews shake!  Gave a new meaning to pew .  What a great camper – The Rattler!Great blog.

  21. “and let’s not forget about the time I purchased a clean version of a Notorious B.I.G. album”ouch. it’s IMPOSSIBLE to listen to the “clean” version of “notorious thugs”… instead of bleeping, they do this shuffle-scratch to censor the words so it’s a more natural edit. brutal.

  22. This was your best post of all time! I have struggled with this issue, both as the guilty and as the innocent. I hate when you’re sitting in church and all of the sudden your nose screams, “FART ALERT!” I always try to figure out who did it. If there’s a teenage boy nearby, I usually blame him.

  23. Great post!  I’m Catholic and my brothers have farted during Mass on more than one occasion.  Everyone nearby knows it’s them and we all just crack up. It’s hard to contain yourself during such times.

  24. OOOH! I wonder if someone is going to make this a theological discussion. Maybe, Dave, God wanted to talk with you, so he made you fart to make you pray. That’s the ticket. Blame God. lol

  25. Awesome! Farting in class was traumatizing enough because it was loud and I could feel my face turning bright red which is always a dead giveaway.

  26. Hahahahah. Good advice. I think God forgives farting in church but not cussing. I could recall vividly this one incident when a lady dropped her purse and spilled its contents and she went : “Holy sh*t!”

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