I have done some pretty messed up things in my twenty-six years on this earth. I peed on a government building, I’ve used my grandmother’s credit card to pay for a porn site (I was fifteen and I got caught of course), I’ve swindled an old drunk guy out of 80 bucks in a game of basketball, and let’s not forget about the time I purchased a clean version of a Notorious B.I.G. album. However with all of these horrible things I have done, there are few things that have filled me with more guilt than when I have farted in church.
Farting in church can be one of the most awful experiences in life. You are in a crowded place, but people are spaced out enough so that they can pinpoint where a fart originated. The acoustics at church are great, so your fart will be amplified if it is not silent. If you lay one that is loud enough or stinky enough to disrupt mass, you will have the watchful eyes of an entire parish on you. Plus once you’ve laid one you feel like all the statues in the place are judging you. Especially Jesus on the cross.
You know it’s kind of ironic, but when you fart in church it makes you pray. It makes you pray that no one figures out it was you. If even one person turns to you and gives you a dirty look, you feel as though the whole congregation will know by the next day. It also makes you pray to god for forgiveness. You feel like you just slapped him in the face for a sec. You can’t be dissin’ god like that! In fact there is a little known 11th commandment that not to many people are aware of:
Commandment 11: Thou shalt not fart in the house of the Lord!
As bad as the initial horrible feeling this transgression brings with it is, the feeling of relief you have if you don’t get caught is one of the best feelings in the world. It feels like you’ve been absolved of some shameful, unforgivable sin. I remember the last time I farted in church. It was about six years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I was lucky enough to let out a silent one, but it was a pretty warm one so I was certain it was going to smell horrible. As I waited for the fart cloud to run it’s course I was nervous as hell. I felt like the guy from The Tell Tale Heart. A minute or two passed. I began to work up a cold sweat. Slowly I began to realize that no one had noticed. I was so happy. I had gotten away with it. Crisis averted!
Now before I go, I thought I would share some tips on what to do if faced with having to pass gas during mass. Now keep in mind that it is easier to accomplish this feat in some churches than it is in others. I myself am talking about a catholic church, where the service is very somber and reserved. Also there is an atmosphere of guilt to begin with that makes the whole ordeal worse. Getting away with a fart in a Baptist church would be a far easier thing to do. There is ll sorts of singing and people praising and what not. A fart could easily go unnoticed with all that commotion. If this is not the kind of church you go to then you may find this advice helpful:
Church Fart Do’s and Don’ts
– Do try to fart while there is singing going on. You should make sure you are singing while you do it too. Look as normal as possible.
– Do not fart during the homily (the priest’s speech). This is the time when people are zoning out and are easily distracted. They will notice it.
– Do fart while you are kneeling. This way you can put your head down and avoid all eye contact with people. You can always tell if someone farted by looking into their eyes.
– Do not fart while sitting. Those wooden pews transfer vibrations really well. Someone will feel your fart.
– Do not try to make your way outside to fart unless you are ABSOLUTELY sure you will make it. Getting up draws attention to you. If you fart on the way out all eyes will be on you.
– Do fart while going up to get communion. This is the part of mass where you are supposed to be walking around. You can fart and move away from it quickly. Plus there is singing at this point too.
– Do not look at the statues. You may just die of guilt.
– Do not fart during the gospel or the Eucharist. These are the two worst times to do it. Not only are these the holiest parts of the mass, but they are also the quietest. People are in deep meditation at this point. A fart could prove to be disastrous.
Alright that’s all for today. Hope this was helpful to some of you. I try to make a difference in people’s lives. I really do.