Fuck…

You don’t like it when I say fuck.

Fuck you.

I’m angry, I’m frustrated, and I am hurt. When I am all of these things I say fuck alot. It’s what I do.

I woke up this morning with a fucking headache. I slept all of 1 hour last night. My heart didn’t start beating it’s normal pace till an hour after I got into bed. Violent images flash through my head. I want to rip your head right off. I can’t remember ever being so mad.

I cried like a baby at 1:30 in the morning, after standing outside in the cold for half an hour. I called his phone at least twenty times. He hung up on me each time he answered, after cursing me out a bit in between. He yells for an apology, I ignore each request. I don’t even bother to ask for one from him. Why am I even calling him? Why am I out here in the cold? What the fuck happened to us?

He speaks with the youngest about how much of a bitch I am. They share the same hate. I left the house after trying to tell them I love them. He wasn’t home to interfere, yet his words were running through their heads the whole time. I know they don’t hear me, but I pray that they do on some level. I don’t want to be the bad guy, I am just scared for them. I want to protect him, but I can’t. I need help.

Words of disrespect pierce like daggers from someone you’ve always thought had respect for you. A week ago I bore my heart to you.  Told you I don’t want to see you make the wrong choices. Told you how much I want you to be a great man. Told you I was scared. I thought I connected. I thought I was heard. I was wrong.

You’ve turned against me and now you’ve turned him against me. I am alone. I feel like I’ve been robbed. 

You hate me. He hates me. You are my younger brothers. I love you.

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58 comments

  1. Nothing can tear at a soul more than siblings fighting.  I know nothing I say will make you feel any better.  Just know that I am here for you to say “fuck” to all you want.

  2. Having had many pretty serious fights with my siblings, all I can say is to tell you, based on my experience, they heard you when you said you love them. It may not show that they heard, but they did. And sometimes you have to stand on what you know is right, even if it’s harder, and causes conflict, and has a backlash for you. Doing that is the truest way to show how deeply you care. I’m sorry, too, that this is happening to you, and I hope it turns in a better direction very, very soon.Hugs.

  3. Aww Davey baby! I’m so sorry you’re fighting with your brothers. I know nothing I can say will make things better but I don’t mind curse words if you need someone to vent to, I’m here! I hope they come around soon.

  4. Wow Dave, I feel really hurt this is happening to you. Perhaps your words are falling on deaf ears, but maybe one day that will change. Best of luck.

  5. They always say that those that love you the most, hurt you the most.There’s this really lame fridge magnet my grandma has that says, “Everything is good in the end. So if things aren’t good now, it’s not the end..” It’s a quote that’s applicable, I feel.Know that it’s not the end, and that you are loved. Maybe not by a certain party. But you’re loved, Dave. There’s no question.Naturally, I’ll keep you in my thoughts, prayers, and all of that.

  6. 😦 How awful. It’s hard to see men carry such longterm and passionate hatred, especially against a brother of theirs, because usually men have a disagreement, fight it out, and move along without missing a beat. I know they will regret this, and I hope they realize that before it’s too late. In the meanwhile, *hug* and I hope you find comfort in a closer brother.

  7. I was trying to think of something consoling to say, but I don’t have it.  Sorry you’re going through some rough emotions.  It’s nice to rant about it though.

  8. It’s like every time you are honest, every time you reach out, you’re bit so viciously that you never want to do it again. But they’re your brothers. So you have to.Because you love them.Every time, because you love them. You feel responsible for them. You want them to be more than they could be. Because you love them.Little else to say. Hug.

  9. Hey Fats, Im sorry you have to go through this. I know its tough.  But things will clear up soon. Sometimes love hurts, but its always worth it. Ill be praying for you and your family. Just take it one day at a time, breath deep and keep going.  You are strong enough, to handle this.

  10. As a card carrying member of the “I don’t understand you and you’re my sibling” club, my heart goes out to you.  We would meet every other Thursday if we could find a meeting room big enough to fit us all.  Hugs to you.

  11. Wishing you a quick resolution and a peaceful one. Family is always the hardest to deal with, especially when you have to watch the ones you love fall. All the best,Taylor

  12. There’s nothing like the hurt family can cause. Still, there’snothing quite like the love you can get from them. Regardless of whathappens remember you are loved by friends and family alike (just asmuch as you love them, though it doesn’t seem like it), andsometimes…just sometimes, things happen the way they do for a reason.*hugs*

  13. Sorry, honey. I’ve learned (mostly through ABD) that only your family can make you this crazy. I meant his family, not him; although it’s also true that your spouse is your family… Did I mention we’ll be married 18 years next month? But, I digress…Siblings. Yeah. I’ve got an older sister and a younger brother myself. Honestly, my sister and I went six months a year or two ago without speaking because I told her what I thought. I’m still half mad about how stupid and childish she was acting; but I said my piece, and I’ve moved on. I hope you’re able to do the same and to rebuild a relationship with your brothers regardless of whatever happened. Just remember that sometimes people don’t want to hear what you’ve got to say; but they’ll usually come around again if they know you’re open to it. {{{{{{HUGS FROM YOUR XANGA MOM/COUSIN!}}}}}PS- It was the “fuck” in the title that caused me to come visit this late at night, dear. I know you think I’m Mom-like and all; but I’ve got a mouth like a sailor when I’m pissed, trust me. ABD will TOTALLY vouch for that.

  14. Been there, hope it all works out. Just remember all you can probably do is just be yourself, and be there for them. My siblings wont listen to a word I say, and often do the exact opposite of what I feel is good for them, so I shut my mouth and listen. That’s really all I’ve ever been able to do with my family. You can’t protect them, and even if you think you can they won’t allow it, and I know the feeling, I know how maddening that is.

  15. Me and my bros fought all the time when we were growing up. We are closer now than ever and I live 450 miles from my oldest and 1300 from my best friend and step bro. things will change and perspective will become clear as you look back. Chin up bro

  16. I know it’s hard to fight with siblings. My brother and I went through years where we wouldn’t even talk. But in the end, we found friendship in each other – because, at the end of the day, our siblings are the only other people in the world who know what its like to be raised by our parents – and that tends to be a pretty strong kind of glue. I hope they come around. And until then, we can yell Fuck together, if it helps. 

  17. hang in there. could be some kinda stupid fucking misunderstanding/miscommunication. dont give up on ’em. nobody gets to choose their brothers, its in the blood.

  18. Dude, my heart’s going out to you . . . you can only control yourself . . . they’ll do and be what they are. They also know you enough to feel safe with you . . . .that’s why they’re giving you shit. Keep lovin’ ’em . . . . and jump at every opportunity to reconcile. I’m really sorry for your pain – but whatever the fuck you do, don’t lose faith or hope.Peace and love

  19. The things you say to them now, may not effect them until days, weeks, years from now, but you will have made an impact.  Better to have said them.  Stay strong and loving.I’m sorry for all the pain you are going through.  I came from a childhood where all six of us hated one another, to the point that I remember one sister chasing a brother around with a knife.  Now, years later, most demons driven from our heads with time, we couldn’t be closer even if we live hundreds of miles apart.

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