Being the “Bigger Man”

Here is some news for everyone. Being the “bigger man” sucks. It’s not easy at all to do, yet time and time again I am thrust into this role.

Just for once I want to be the person who gets to act a damn fool and then have everyone excuse my behavior as an act of compulsion or misguided youth. When do I get to be the “smaller man”? You know the one who goes about his business like he did nothing wrong. Who the “bigger man” has to forgive no matter how fucked up shit got. Who never seems to have to humble himself at all.

Why the hell do people assume that just because I am capable of being the “bigger man” that I want to take that role. I don’t want to damnit. I am tired. Maybe if for once I just flip out and create a shitstorm of drama, people will stop assuming that I will not react adversely to all their bullshit. A little unbridled violence never hurt anyone right? Tell me I’m right on this or I’ll bash your face in damnit. I’ll do it. Remember, I am “bigger” than you.

In the end I don’t really need anyone to tell me anything. When that mirror is held up and I catch a glance of myself I realize what everyone else does. I am cursed with sense. I can’t do fun stuff like beating the crap out of people for no really good reason. I am the guy who tries to tell you how fucked up you are while you are still smacking me in the face.

Well, I might be exaggerating a bit. It’s a rant. Hyperbole is a key ingredient.

My Dad said something to me yesterday while I was telling him how much of a hypocrite he was;

Me: Dad you know good and well you would have beat the crap out of him. Why the hell is it that I am looked at crossways when I say I should have kicked his ass?

Dad: Cause you are a better man than I am.

What are you gonna say in response to that? Game, set, match.  Swallow the pride and be the “bigger man”.



  1. youre a good guy dave.  very level headed and likeable.  that comes across loud and clear from your site and xanga tv things.  it’s not a curse it’s a great asset.  you’ll be the happier one for it.  and in the end isnt that what it’s all about?  happiness.

  2. Ya know..with some twists and turns this would be excellent in a stand up comedian act.BUT on the other hand, ranting is good. Fabulous. RANT AND RAVE DAVE, RANT AND RAVE.

  3. OMG u are so in my brain today. I swear to you i had the same thoughts earlier today after a family pissed the hell off. I took the higher road (as always).. but deep down inside i wanted to call up ever person in my life that has pissed me off these past days. months years.. and just go sick and scream at every last one of them.. but instead i swallowed my pride.. and tears *cry baby* lol.  and took the higher road.. man.. whats the point of that anymore..

  4. Yeah, accept the role.  You’d really RATHER be the bigger man…if not then you are your dad.  And, if that’s not all bad then you can denounce your role.Rant on.

  5. I completely get where you’re coming from. I always end up being the “bigger man” or in my case “women” cause I dont’ want to deal with the drama & crap. Or I don’t want to be “mean” but somedays. I really just want to let everyone have it & tell them how pissed off I am or how much they really did hurt me! But I don’t. Cause I hate to hurt peoples feelings. Its sad. I, like you, just want to hit, scream & have a fit but that isn’t me either. Man. That would put me in my place too if my dad or mom said that! But its good to know that others think highly of you & respect you. Even if its annoying to keep being that person!****HUGS****

  6. Its ok, I’m proud of you for being a “bigger man” . You can always write a fictional story series called “the little man” and write what you would have done. 

  7. I like AlterEgo’s suggestion!I… Get pushed into that type of position, too. Then I end up complaining about it, or ranting about it behind the other person’s back. Does that really make me the “bigger person”? *sighs* Well, we do what we have to do. Ranting is good. It stops us from doing bad things to people. :]

  8. yeah, bein the bigger man sucks sometimes. but i think that @ the end of the day if you act like the “smaller man” you’d regret it. so i guess its like being caught between a rock and a hard place. and personally i think that someone pointing the finger @ you and saying they can’t do what you do cuz you’re the bigger man is just a cop out on their part. if they can recognize that your actions are better, that means they’re capable of taking those same actions too. lame.

  9. gotta say, i admire you being the bigger man. and if it’s true that you’re a better man than your dad, good for you. my dad and husband are both better men than their fathers and i know how hard that is. maybe the more you take the role of “bigger man” the easier it’ll get? maybe not. but it sounds nice, at least.:)

  10. I hate that. I’m really sick of being the bigger person. It’s like, since when am I the only one who has to take responsibility for what’s going on? Why can I throw the fit?! *hug*

  11. LOL! You saw my sister and my best friend’s comments on my Xanga, right? One said “you’re a better person than I am” and the other “what took you so long?” for me to get to the pissed off and had enough stage. Yeah, I can be the bigger person too; and I often am. But not this week. I’ve had enough. I recommend going to Florida for the weekend with your sweetie as far as therapy. Yeah, I know it’s a longer drive for you; but isn’t there a law that all responsible (i.e. OLD) people in the Northeast have to go there at this time of year? It sure seemed that way when I lived in Maine, anyway.

  12. I don’t think there is anything wrong with selectively setting people straight.  You must do it carefully but it does you no good to let people walk over you.  It is an issue of setting boundaries.  I don’t think you should punch someone or curse like an idiot.  I am talking about picking selective moments to correct bad behavior.

  13. I don’t know if it’s worth 2 shits to you, but I admire that you are the bigger man.  My boyfriend is one of those now, although he used to be a jackass…he’s reformed lol.  I used to be very quiet, obedient, sweet, a doormat essentially 🙂  I got to a point where I was absolutely fed up, which sounds to be about where you are now.  I fought with my dad, moved to a new city, and slept with a plethora of men.  All of that was WAY out of character for me.  I learned though.  It was an awful, terrible, painful learning experience for me.  I realized that when I was the “smaller woman” I had no self worth.  I didn’t care about myself or anyone else.  That’s a very hollow feeling.  I’ve since regained my sense and I’m doing really well now.  My boyfriend and I have pledged no sex til marriage and although some days I miss it A LOT, I’m glad I’m being the “bigger person” again.  I don’t know if any of that was what you wanted to hear, but I tried.  So I guess the moral of my…er…comment is that it’s better to be the bigger person and like who you are than to learn the truth of that statement the hard way 🙂

  14. Dan’s right.  besides, you may want to be the little man for the moment, but you know you’d hate yourself for it, later.THAT’S why.  you know being the bigger man is always right.  besides, don’t forget how good it feels for your ego when you can sleep at night knowing you took the high road.

  15. my god man…  you picked the cherry right out of my head…  I’ve been chewing this cherry for a few weeks..  I even said it to herself…  what is it about the pride we can’t let go.. This is being a man my friend.  We have to keep it together.  you need to get yourself some old plates..  big old delph ware  or some cheap ones..  Smash the shit out of them.I find  having a big penis  actually prevents me getting into fights,  I’ve nothing to prove.  Now I don’t go around checking out lads.. but invariably it is the smaller who get into more fights.  (you won’t find that percentage on the UNICEF site..  but you’ll find some interesting facts about the world  for your show.peace out brother…  you can’t be any other way.. and if you’re even listening to these idiots I’m surprised.  People who want to see you in a fight want to “geek” you.  That means  they actually enjoy in a base way  the fact that someone close to them would get hurt.Its that feeling when your head says “turn into incoming traffic”   they don’t deny those thoughts existence.Owen

  16. It is the same way for women,except it is the ones who bitch all the time and whine and have meltdowns  who get excused, they do not say bigger woman though,as that leads you to think of a lardass, it is a strong woman….I would like to be a bitch for once! 

  17. Yeah, I know kinda how that is. I am still young so I probably havent had the full experience, but some of the people I work with, you don’t be the bigger man, you’re going to be the dead man. It sucks, I sympathize with you.

  18. This is always something of a bittersweet subject, isn’t it?  Sometimes, I just feel like certain punks in this world need a good ass-whoopin’, but to really be the “bigger man,” most of the time you just have to let it go and not let it bother you.  I’ll admit, I still struggle with that point a lot.

  19. I hate when parents say things like that. They always know how to get to you. I do applaud you for being the bigger man, it takes alot more strength and heart to walk away. You did the right thing. 🙂

  20. If I had a set of balls (literally), I would’ve told my dad… that’s bullshit, you know im right and you just dont want to admit it. OR you wanna be the bigger man??  let me take it out on you instead.  bahahaha.  i never argue w/ my dad but that would be something i’d say if he told me to be the bigger person…my mom tells me that all the time too, but given the fact that she’s a woman, she “elaborates” on WHY i should be the bigger person.  i hate being the bigger person too.  i learned to forgive people that should have never been forgiven because i was the bigger person.  blah!

  21. Nothing hurts the person hitting you more than looking them dead in the eyes and laughing. The again, a knee to the gut goes a long way as well.This guy on the team was amd at me, so in the locker room he was shoving, hitting, smacking, and spitting. All I did was laugh and shake my head. He walked away, I started to take my shoulder pads off, and he ran dow nthe aisle and tackled me. That pushed me over the edge. You don’t attack somebody with their back turned, it’s just cowardly.Fun fact: football coaches won’t report an ass kicking if the recipient deserved it.

  22. “I am cursed with sense.”  Perfect.  Nothing describes it better.  I would add “and morals” to the end of that though, at least for me.Sometimes I wish I can be the kind of girl that uses her looks and body to get things.  But my parents raised me better.  Damnit!  Someone offered me $30K to “get married” for a green card and I turned it down – my 17-yr old self was too affronted lol.  A couple months ago a friend casually mentioned that he can take care of all my student loans in exchange for me being “with” him aka his girlfriend.  I tried to comfort myself with the fact that he wanted a gf, not just a night.  But still… it’s offensive.  But damnit if a part of me wasn’t salivating at the thought of not having to worry about bills, debt, or money anymore.

  23. It is hard being the bigger person, but we respect you for it. I hate it that I’m always in that role, too, but if I didn’t go that path, I’d hate myself more for it. You’re a good guy and we love you. 🙂

  24. Wow, go Dad! How can you respond to that? It’s hard to be the bigger man — or woman. But I’ve found that lowering myself to the level of others isn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be either. I hope it all works out. Hugs!

  25. I feel the same way with my sister, only not physically beating the crap out of her (tempting as it may be).  But she gets away with being the irresponsible, selfish, non-caring one, and nobody bats an eye.  Meanwhile, I am expected to take on her responsibilities and mine, and smile through it all.  Not fair, and it gets old “being the bigger man”!  I hear ya!Kathi

  26. Well, Dave, as tiring as it may be to be the “bigger man”, technically it’s just the right thing to do. There will come a time where you get to be the smaller one, though, I promise you.

  27. @curtainsopen – curt that was downright sensitive. Thanks dude. You are right.@chelly500 – it sucks. Its who we are. It’s supposed to pay off in the long run.@karoline1982 – I really want to hit somebody though. lol. @AlterEgo909 – I just might do that. Might be theraputic.@follow_home –  that would be nice.@Laryssa – yeah. thanks ryss.@Shirlann – Florida would be nice right about now. Its friggin snowing here right now. I am home though so that is good.

  28. @TheTheologiansCafe – the spree of violence will probably just remain a fantasy. Still sounds fun to me though.@Krissy_Cole – I dont wanna be wise. I wanna act a fool.@weakest_strong_girl – it was definitely worth 2 shits. Thanks.@TheBigShowAtUD –  If anyone knows how to take care of their ego it’s you dude. lol.@OwenHiggins – That percentage should be on the UNICEF site. Those are some awesome stats.@seedsower –  Hey, I’m not a woman, but I wanna be a bitch too.

  29. i despise being the “bigger man” even though i’m a girl, and we call it the “bigger person.” my friend lately has been judging me because i’m going out with someone’s ex.. and i used to be friends with that girl. so my friend has been treating me differently because of her views, meanwhile i don’t treat her differently when i don’t approve of the crap she does…i told my friend kate this, and kate says “you’re being the bigger person.”sometimes all i want to do is scream at my friend, and punch some lockers, and not be the bigger person. but i have the reputation of being a bigger person. so i just imagine myself doing all of these things while ignoring my friend’s judgement. i think people respect those who are the bigger person, but you can only be the bigger person once in awhile. it’s okay to be the “smaller person.” it means you’re human. we can’t be perfect and the better person all the time. we have ups and downs. and about what your dad said.. it seems like it’s an excuse for him to be a “smaller person” while complimenting you. but i don’t know. my dad said something like that to me once too. but my dad has never been the bigger person, ever.. so i’m not so sure about fathers saying that kind of thing.

  30. Its definitely a struggle to balance being the “bigger person” with standing up for yourself. Sometimes I feel like some people think being the “bigger person” is synonymous with “pushover”.

  31. Hmph, from one bigger man to another. It’s awful! I can’t swear because people will say, “Matthew, I never thought you would do that!” etc. etc. etc. Of course, people think they can diss the bigger man without retribution. My cousin called me a f****** pansy one time. Don’t tell someone who has a black belt in judo he is a f***** pansy. My poor cousin had a heck of a time getting his arm out from behind his back.

  32. Hm, I feel ya.  I sometimes have thoughts of not wanting to be a good girl, but I don’t think it speaks badly of you to be the bigger man…  Like I said, I feel ya.

  33. I’ve got a mediator mentality too, there were a couple times in clubs where I almost tried to break up bar fights of people I didn’t even know… I’d be yelling “No man, it isnt worth it, knock it off” and my buddies would be grabbing me and pulling me away yelling “Dude, knock it off or you are going to get us kicked out”. Or trying to solve feuds with people so that my buddy, who ALWAYS fought people, could get into parties…Good times…

  34. I l-o-v-e your rant. LOL I am smiling so much. I am Levanna’s mom (mox) and she suffers from the same type stuff. I mean really, I am laughing. “Why do IIIIIIIIIIII have to be a big person?” -Saying “I hate being good” is like saying saying I hate being rich, or handsome, or smart, or fast, or healthy, or…You guys are awesome.

  35. TOTALLY agree. i get this crap all the time (except for me it would be the bigger woman) but still, always me who has to apologise for other peoples insecurities. and forgive other people for their misdeeds. but never me who gets forgiven for acting the bitch.its shit. know how you feel.

  36. according to your definitions, i guess i’d be the smaller man. only i’m a girl. in fact, i just did paragraph number two a couple of days ago. the guy i apologized to in front of everyone had the most interesting look on his face- as if he didn’t like me and was trying hard to swallow back something he wanted to say. then he said that it was okay. in addition, he thanked me for my time. that was pretty nice of him to do. so courteous and w/’s frustrating to be the bigger man, but it’s good, too. it gives you a sense of pride and wiseness that the other guys don’t have. people find you more dependable, and they find you more likeable. in addition, you don’t have to live with the terrible mistakes your actions could have had. you actually take things into consideration before doing it, having sense is a good thing. we need sensible people in this world. how do i know this? because i’ve been the bigger ‘man’, too. maybe you’ve also been the smaller man before, as well but didn’t know it. im sure there were times where you’ve said or done something that offended or hurt someone, yet you never knew about it. maybe you never apologized for it, either. everyone’s been both at least once in their life. =/

  37. it’s kind of like the double edged sword of the nice guy. they’re the nice guy everyone likes but they do finish last. so you know what, being the bigger man has it’s good points too 🙂 but maybe next time, just kick some ass and they’ll think you’re mysterious 🙂

  38. I’m generally a “do the right thing” type person too. Sometimes it does get to be a bit much to handle. In the end though I think the reward of being able to smile at myself every morning is worth it.

  39. i get what you mean.  i want to act out too, do stupid things and not care, but that would require ignorance.  it’s either guilt or ignorance, because you can never un-learn something.  i hope you find some peace, and find whoever you want to be.

  40. It has little to do with being the “bigger” or “smaller” man. It has everything to do with being the wiser man. 

  41. Being the middle child has automatically made me the bigger “man”. I’ve naturally become the one who is (mostly) rational, open minded, not rash. Occasionally it gets annoying being typecast in that way, but I’ve come to accept it more and more. Besides, it allows for more room for surprise if you happen to have an off day and cuss everyone the heck out. :)You are a good guy though, so never be upset about that aspect of your personality.

  42. well I have to say, I’ve always been the type to let things go and never be a real bitch about anything. I figured it was because of good sense. Recently I found out my boyfriends and the person that I thought was my best friend had sex. Not only did I confront them both about it I was the bigger person for once and showed them both how much of a “Bitch” i could be. It was great to finally just blow up about something. But I’m definitely not going to get into the habit of it =]

  43. It does suck.  Being the bigger man is a cop-out for saying you can’t throw the flaming pile of turd back at someone.  You gotta let it fester and burn.  One thing you should know is that the bigger man is always a test.  Can you be a respectful husband or wife after your SO cheats on you?  Can you respect your parents even when they do the wrong that destroys everything you wanted to be?  Can you refrain from hospitalizing a bully by just not acknowledging it and walking away?I think it’s all a bunch of phoey.  You said it best, “In the end you don’t need anyone to tell you anything.”  If you can keep that mantra, and you know what to do, it does not matter about being the bigger man.  It matters what is right for the right situation.  It’s all about acknowledging right and wrong.Plus the bigger man thing should only really be kept for below the belt not for being superior in personality.

  44. ah…the curse of the bigger man…especially unbearable if you have the capacity to be much smaller than the other party involved…sigh, I know it all too well…

  45. “NO good deed goes unpunished.””Be not afraid of greatness; some people are born great, others achieve greatness and others have greatness thrust upon them.”- W.ShakespeareDon’t let people walk over you – judging from your picture, your form is dominating enough and that should console you in any confrontation. I’m 5’3″ and back when I was a pole vaulter and a 55/100m sprinter (“jacked” as some say), I never had to raise a hand to the idiots I was surrounded by (they’re all idiots=the people who take the ‘easier’ road of negligence and ignorance) because standing up and looking them (male or female) in the eye was enough to convey the message: “I’m going to be the better person by letting you walk away unscathed.”It’s tiresome but that’s what vacations and punching bags (the Everlast kind) are for =o)

  46. I have tried to be the bigger “woman” but I always fail… epically.  If you want, just go beat his ass, then blame it on this girl you met on xanga!  I’ll take the wrap… lol

  47. I have had past friends who did dumb stuff and would excuse themselves with, “Well, that’s me,” and I’d want to say, “Yea, that’s you with HIV, dumbass” or whatever. But I find in my life that “those type of people” are only be excused by themselves. I appreciate your rant, yet I think you have every right to flip out (I did on said past friends) and then say, “I’m NOT going to excuse what I just did; you are being an A-hole. Karma’s a bitch…”

  48. you are an inspiration! i wish (&& hope?) more people were as mature as you.i feel, being the “better person” is annoying as fkc. buuut just know that you now have people admiring you for it :] no joke. you are awesome. awesommmme.

  49. Doormats like us always have it tough, man. Stay strong. In the end, being the bigger man usually drives the weaker people insane, and I can just laugh at them. (kidding)

  50. After many years of being involved with men who fit the “smaller man” suit I married the bigger man and I am now so happy. I don’t have to apologize for my husbands behavior publicly or privately and I am proud to been known as his wife. The smaller man really is just that; small. Keep on doing what you are doing and remember that the rewards don’t always come quickly for being responsible, but they do come and they last.

  51. drop the role for a bit. everything is so much better when that weight is off your shoulder.i was always the bigger woman but one day i lost it. just do not take your new role too far. 🙂 

  52. Personally, being the bigger man has it’s drawbacks, but at the same time, it has wayyy more plusses than negatives.I would personally rather be known as the bigger man, than the guy who starts shit within my group of friends.

  53. man, I know it’s so hard to be the bigger man. that’s an awesome dad you have there.Just keep standing tall. It shows how mature you are. I can see you are a very mature person. Being the smaller man is immature. But it’s so tempting to be the smaller man because it’s way easier. But you are better than that.And I am proud of you.Great post!

  54. the “bigger” man will gain respect and admiration that the smaller man will never know. the smaller man will always be laughed at and snickered at and looked upon with sneer and superiority, if not just plain dismissiveness (is that a word?)the “smaller” man has no voice and no impact on humanity.  they don’t even exist to those of us that have a heart and a soul and a brain.  with the exception of a short thought that they be looked out for, they run the risk of getting passed right over in a blink of an eye and a mere inhale/exhale of a routine breath of life, and never getting a first thought, much less a second thought.whereas the “bigger” man catches our attention and makes a thinking (wo)man think, now that is an example of how I want to live my life or raise my child.As a “bigger” man, you will always carry my prayer with you for continued strength and my Lord’s blessings to keep up the good work and may others learn from your example.

  55. Heh I know how you feel being the bigger man. It’s smarter to be the “bigger” man incase you get caught in some legal stuff being the “smaller” man. But it’s really hard at times cause my friends aren’t always the “bigger” man so I gotta be there to make sure nothing goes “badly” for everyone…sigh…

  56. being the “BIGGER MAN” may seem to suck now but when you think about it. its making you stronger. and i know this sounds corny but it is causing you problems to be the bigger man. but the “little man” is having struggles but he cant say anything about them because he gets away with doing really stupid stuff

  57. Come to think of it, all this time I’ve been following my father’s footsteps and hide behind his shadow.  I think I cant have a greater achievement than him.

  58. Being the bigger man(or woman in my case) IS hard. Harder than you know, really. I’m a really level-headed, laidback person and it drives me crazy when people think they can just say or do anything to you and you’ll just sit there and take it. Sometimes I just wonder that if I just go off and lose my mind for a minute, would people respect me more. It’s really frustrating but i’ve learned to cope. I just remind myself that while I’m doing big things those ” smaller men”(or women) will be stuck where they are, doing nothing but causing problems and drama.

  59. @xx0behindthesmile – Well in my dad’s case I can actually say he was being the bigger person by saying what he said. It takes alot to admit your flaws. Not saying its the same with your dad, but maybe it is. @Undercover_Librarian – lol. Pansy is such a fun word though.@Warhawk94 – haha. you sound like the patron saint of bar squabbles.@belldingding – it is shit. What are you gonna do though?@luvlypink – I am sure you are right. I know I’ve probably been a dick in the past and not even realized it. @zockonzockon – mysterious could work.@sweetestcandy – @danslee – @echois23 – I’m glad you guys feel me on this one.

  60. THERE YOU GO. Did that feel good? Honest to goodness, I wish more men would just do this. Rant! Rave! Just. Let. Go. Men keep SO MUCH bottled inside, it’s crazy (and so unhealthy). You’re a big man – that’s just who you are and how you are. Ain’t no changing that and why would you even want to, seriously. Though I get that sometimes it might feel like a curse, the truth is; it’s more of a gift really. Cheer up, eh [=

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