My Thoughts on the Maury Show

There is a big screen TV in the break room at my job. Ocassionally I use it for good things like watching SportsCenter or drowning out the people who are trying to talk to me while I eat. There are other times when this television is used for the worst of purposes. Often times when I go to warm up a hotpocket or grab a pack of Milanos out of the vending machine, I find security guards sitting in the break room watching the Maury Show.

Yes they actually watch the Maury Show Religiously! They sit there and hang on every word. They let out oohs and ahhhs when paternity test results are given out, they voice their disapproval over every black dude with a fat white girlfriend, they sit and actively discuss why the people on the show are “messed up”. They even called the hotline once!

188845MAURY

Everytime I walk into that room and I am subjected to that trash for even the briefest of moments, I can actually feel myself get dumber. My brain hates my legs for taking it to that room, and my legs hate my stomach for making them do that to my poor brain. Have I painted a dramatic enough picture yet?

Good.

Now I can already hear some of you out there asking, “Hey Dave, why so hard on Maury?” I’ll tell you why. Maury is the WORST show on the planet! There is no debating this. How the hell does he stay on the air? Not only is Maury a fucking wad of crap himself, but his guests are Jerry Springer rejects. Think about that statement for a sec. Jerry Springer rejects. Do you know how difficult it is to be THAT much of a loser ?

The absolute worst part of the Maury show is that the writers don’t even try anymore. They have been doing the same three episodes for years now.

paternity
Fun With Paternity Tests

maury 
Fun with Lie Detectors

fat kid
Sending Fat or Shitty Children to Some Sort of Camp to Fix Them

The way they trick their feeble minded viewers is by combining elements from these episodes to give the appearance of new writing. Lie detectors can always be used in conjunction with paternity tests or sending fucked up kids to camps. For example there is always the episode where they make the dude who is denying that he is the father take a lie detector test before he gets his paternity test results. So not only do we find out that he lied about being the father, we also find out that he lied about sleeping with other women, stealing money from her purse, and filing his taxes on time.

Okay who am I kidding? These people don’t pay taxes. What was I talking about? The thought of doing something as responsible as paying taxes got me all off track. Ahh yes, hating Maury…

It is the pure arrogance of this show that amazes me the most. I mean there are other horrible shows out there, but no show is as lazy as Maury. Jerry Springer will at least throw in the occasional KKK member. Tyra at least has the decency to jump into a fatsuit once in a while. How many times do we have to find out some lady’s teenage daughter is a slut Maury? How many times do you expect us to be shocked that some chick is still doing drugs? Does it ever get old telling some asshole that he is the father of his bootycall’s child? He is gonna be a deadbeat dad anyway. How the hell is this show on the air? WHO WATCHES THIS SHIT?!!!

I used to ask myself these questions everytime I walked into that breakroom. Till one day when I was sitting in the food court at the mall. I was kind of in a daze, just sitting and people watching. As I sat and observed the big lady with the pink spandex pull her wedgie out with no shame, and the guy with a fur coat and the iphone who was trying to look cool in the FOOD COURT, and the mom who was letting her kids throw food at people, I had an epiphany of sorts.

IT’S THEM! THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH MAURY! I’M SURROUNDED BY THEM!!!

Scary though isn’t it?

Sidenote – If there is one thing worth watching from Maury (and that is a BIG if), then iut has to be the “not the daddy” celebrations some of these dudes give. If you have never seen a “not the daddy” dance, then check out this and this.

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65 comments

  1. It kind of hurts my brain when I flip by that show and pause for a minute. It’s scary how bad that show is, and it upsets me that these people exist with all the college aid there is in this world.

  2. Muary is BAD.  I like when the female finds out that the dude is not the father.  They run off stage sayin ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and then the infamous fall lmao

  3. I think my old roommate really liked to watch that show.And typically anything my roommate watched was something I didn’t dig. Now I feel better about that whole situation. When someone asks, “What happened between you and your roommate?”I can say, “Well, in a nut shell, she watched the Maury Show a lot.”

  4. Kind of sad that ratings keep Maury on the air.  There must be a lot of people who willingly watch that crap!  If that 5-year-old kid does not have some kind of medical condition for being that heavy, I would like to smack the parents into oblivion!  That kid didn’t get that way overnight, and at that age, the parents have a lot of control over what he/she eats.Kathi

  5. i personally think….that the lie detector doesn’t work! how you gonna say dude/chick cheated on you approx 20x…i question that every single time

  6. Hahahaha…Jerry Springer rejects indeed.  It doesn’t even have the hair-pulling, shirt-ripping, bitch-slapping dramatics of Springer. One of my high school classmate’s mom was very proud of being in the audience of an episode of Maury.  Ack.  

  7. WOW. I think we’re on the SAME wavelength. Everyday I’m plagued with these pressing questions. Who, what why? The next question that I came to after I identified the audience where maury (and shows similar to his) recieve their ratings was: What makes these people enjoy this shit? I have yet to figure it out. Up bringing? Genetics? Random mutation? Quantum Physics? Is it an infection in the brain or is it standing in front of the microwave too long? What ever the answer, it makes me sad. The television show that had originated all of my questioning was Flavor of Love several seasons ago when a woman deficated on the stairs. That made me embarassed to be a woman and embarassed to be an African American. It also made me laugh like hell, but I was ashamed afterwards. Anyway, I digress. Oh and I think BET kills brain cells. Have you seen an episode on Boondocks similar to this topic. haha. You should check it. Priceless.

  8. i got so mad at my mom for letting my brother watch this (he was 11 or 12 at the time!) because he was picking up on really weird stuff.  I mean it wasn’t really her fault but if you’re a stay at home mom, the least you can do is supervise the tv watching!   For that reason I don’t like that this is on during the day, right after kids get out of school ><it is just sort of trash… but idk… it’s kind of like drinking soda, I guess.   I don’t like soda, but a lot of people do, even though nutritionally it’s horrible for you, contributes to diabetes, etc.   But people just like junk, and stuff of low quality sometimes.   It’s like a comfort thing.  You don’t need to THINK while watching Maury.   People want to hear about someone’s life that worse off than yours.Paternity tests on that show make me sad though bc a lot of the people just go on the show because they can’t afford the test, and it’s free with the show… *sigh*And can i just say… people love to pretend my name is Maury… noo… it is Mari, pronounced Mah-ree… stop comparing me to the old man!!

  9. Oh god. I can’t stand either show! Especially Jerry Springer. His show is full of yelling, bitching, fighting, pole dancing, and chanting. Where’s the entertainment in that?No, seriously.You reminded me  that I am hungry.

  10. cool food court guy!!! Classic. But actually I was listening to a talk show on my way to work, and Maurywas on. The host asked him how he found these people for the show.. Maury went on to elaborate that they have over 10 years of episodes lined up all dealing with paternity testing.. ?!?!?crazy.

  11. Once upon a time, Maury was a quality show. Then slowly it spiraled down into the most horrible of the horrible. Maury still tries to take things like they’re serious even though he has Springer rejects. I wonder if he realizes how low he has fallen.

  12. @AnamcharaConcepts – You are smarter than most in that regard.@elelkewljay – I hope so. They need to know how low they’ve sunk.@bluedreamer85 – lol. No Comment.@Laryssa – that definitely would have been grounds for me to move. Or for me to kick my roommate out.@Still_groovy – yeah. It’s sad.@Sumi69 – it’s all just crappy writing.@faultymanufacturing –  I have absolutely seen that boondock’s episode. Why the hell did they cancel that show? It was easily one of the best shows on TV. That chick that shat. I think that was the low point in the history of mankind. I laughed at first too though.@spiritofiris – hmm. Do they do that one often?@stoneyrocks_socks – haha. Classic South Park!

  13. I’m glad the TV is mostly OFF at our house. I actually get rather irritated when it’s on at all, regardless the show, but yeah, Maury and Jerry… even if you don’t watch any TV, you know about them, and it’s a sad thing.

  14. I love Maury. And by that I mean, I love making fun of Maury. I saw an episode on sex changes once. I only watch for sheer entertainment, not for the content. I’ve always wanted to make up some ridiculous elaborate story and get on either Maury or Jerry Springer…

  15. AMEN! Wow. I don’t like those talk shows. Don’t watch them. If I wanted a dumb moment. I would turn it on, but that would only last a minute or two & my dumb moment would be followed with a “oh wow. This is super dumb & its hurting my brian”. BLAH! The only talk show I watch is Ellen!

  16. You mean there’s episodes besides paternity tests?I simply consider the survival of the Maury Povich show proof of the stupidity of America.  Guests stupid enough to put themselves in a situation where they aren’t certain of the paternity of their children, and couch potatoes dumb enough to watch it.

  17. Hahaha, I love this show. because I KNOW its filth, and when I turn it on I know what to expect, I’m not looking for a fulfilling show, I’m looking to laugh at some white trash and some guy getting up dancing to souljaboy when he finds out he’s not the father.mindless entertainment – jerry springer is just stupid because they all rip their clothes off for no reason, haha but the yelling can be entertaining.I like the phobia ones.. one lady was terrified of pickles!!I don’t watch the show religiously, and call me dumb, but every once in awhile its good for pointless laughsoh yeah! and the man or woman ones are good too!!

  18. Dude.So I went to get my car serviced today at the shop. Took about an hour and a half…got there at 9am and went into the waiting room. Guess what was playing? The Maury Show. Thank God for your blog…remembering it was the only thing that kept me sane.

  19. This is a great entry, dude. I’ve always hated the Maury show for the same reasons, but what I hate the most is that Maury uses, say, fat kids and pretends to feel sorry for them for mere ratings from the dumb masses. Or at least that’s the impression I get. But I agree with you on every point. SPOT ON! I am recommending away.Oh and one more thing. This statement is just awful: [they (the ppl in the break room) voice their disapproval over every black dude with a fat white girlfriend]

  20. I used to watch Maury Almost every day from 8th grade to my freshman year… (but then they also had more topics: Drag Queens, Talented kids, I have a crush, Make overs, Give stuff to poor ppl, When animals attack) Then those bastard “writers” got lazy and went for the three topic format… Gaaaaah. How many times can Simone and the others (OMG.. I haven’t watched in so long I forgot their names) test men and HONESTLY be shocked they are NOT the father? C’mon… I hope this mess get cancelled soon. I guess I grew up.

  21. i used to watch a couple of the reruns on slow and uneventful afternoons, just to get a good laugh out of watching those overdramatic people on the show 😛

  22. Oh, you forgot to mention my favorite type of Maury show!! It’s where they have drag queens and regular women, and the audience gets to guess who is really a woman and who is really a man! 

  23. My dad watches this show every day… Although I think that the Jerry Springer show is worse.  But I hate how all they do is make fun of the people fighting and having all these problems!  At least on the Steve Wilkos show they actually help people instead of pointing fingers.

  24. at my work place we also have a break room with a flat screen and Jerry Springer is always on .I hate that show or any of this stupid talk shows .I feel like my mind just shrinks each time i walk back there to eat .my co -workers literally follow that show .it’s really sad .now I just grab my ipod and a good book to read.anything then to have to sit back there and listen to the go on and on about swho’s the baby daddy or such. sometimes I rather eat some were else to not listen .

  25. Maury.. that show.. Yea You got the Show types and everything accurate, its just a repeat and mixture of all of those. WAIT! YOU FORGOT THE UNNATURAL FEARS EPISODES!!  Can’t forget those

  26. EXCELLENT !!  I developed a total dislike (and that’s putting it mildly) for him a bunch of years ago when he had a show under a different name — the title of which, for obvious reasons, escapes me.What really blow my mind is that Connie Chung is married to this rat excrement. WTFlick is _that_ about???I’m a first-time visitor to your page. I’ll be back. I like your style!

  27. For you to hate Maury with such a passion I can understand why you took time to write this unwarranted rant.  Seriously.  The Maury Show can’t effect your day to day life that much that you had to write this.  In all honesty you seem like a weirdo that keeps to himself, has no friends and sits at home naked in front of your computer with a hot pocket on a paper plate blogging.  If you even had a girlfriend you’d more than likely end up on the Maury Show to find out that she cheated on you.  Her lie detector results would prove she only used you for your mint condition star wars action figure collection that you have broadcasted throughout your apartment.  Either turn the channel or shut up and turn the TV off then blog about something that actually stimulates people’s mind. 

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