There is a big screen TV in the break room at my job. Ocassionally I use it for good things like watching SportsCenter or drowning out the people who are trying to talk to me while I eat. There are other times when this television is used for the worst of purposes. Often times when I go to warm up a hotpocket or grab a pack of Milanos out of the vending machine, I find security guards sitting in the break room watching the Maury Show.
Yes they actually watch the Maury Show Religiously! They sit there and hang on every word. They let out oohs and ahhhs when paternity test results are given out, they voice their disapproval over every black dude with a fat white girlfriend, they sit and actively discuss why the people on the show are “messed up”. They even called the hotline once!
Everytime I walk into that room and I am subjected to that trash for even the briefest of moments, I can actually feel myself get dumber. My brain hates my legs for taking it to that room, and my legs hate my stomach for making them do that to my poor brain. Have I painted a dramatic enough picture yet?
Now I can already hear some of you out there asking, “Hey Dave, why so hard on Maury?” I’ll tell you why. Maury is the WORST show on the planet! There is no debating this. How the hell does he stay on the air? Not only is Maury a fucking wad of crap himself, but his guests are Jerry Springer rejects. Think about that statement for a sec. Jerry Springer rejects. Do you know how difficult it is to be THAT much of a loser ?
The absolute worst part of the Maury show is that the writers don’t even try anymore. They have been doing the same three episodes for years now.
The way they trick their feeble minded viewers is by combining elements from these episodes to give the appearance of new writing. Lie detectors can always be used in conjunction with paternity tests or sending fucked up kids to camps. For example there is always the episode where they make the dude who is denying that he is the father take a lie detector test before he gets his paternity test results. So not only do we find out that he lied about being the father, we also find out that he lied about sleeping with other women, stealing money from her purse, and filing his taxes on time.
Okay who am I kidding? These people don’t pay taxes. What was I talking about? The thought of doing something as responsible as paying taxes got me all off track. Ahh yes, hating Maury…
It is the pure arrogance of this show that amazes me the most. I mean there are other horrible shows out there, but no show is as lazy as Maury. Jerry Springer will at least throw in the occasional KKK member. Tyra at least has the decency to jump into a fatsuit once in a while. How many times do we have to find out some lady’s teenage daughter is a slut Maury? How many times do you expect us to be shocked that some chick is still doing drugs? Does it ever get old telling some asshole that he is the father of his bootycall’s child? He is gonna be a deadbeat dad anyway. How the hell is this show on the air? WHO WATCHES THIS SHIT?!!!
I used to ask myself these questions everytime I walked into that breakroom. Till one day when I was sitting in the food court at the mall. I was kind of in a daze, just sitting and people watching. As I sat and observed the big lady with the pink spandex pull her wedgie out with no shame, and the guy with a fur coat and the iphone who was trying to look cool in the FOOD COURT, and the mom who was letting her kids throw food at people, I had an epiphany of sorts.
IT’S THEM! THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH MAURY! I’M SURROUNDED BY THEM!!!
Scary though isn’t it?
Sidenote – If there is one thing worth watching from Maury (and that is a BIG if), then iut has to be the “not the daddy” celebrations some of these dudes give. If you have never seen a “not the daddy” dance, then check out this and this.