This is a collabo blog with the super awesome mrsprosa. She has got a lady’s take on this over on her site.
In case you didn’t know this about me, I am a New Yorker. Born and raised baby! Now there are many cool things about being a New Yorker. I can find virtually any type of food imaginable within a 20 mile radius of my house, I can see great works of art anytime I want, and I get to look down on people who are from any ohter city. Pick a city, any city in the world. We’re better than you.
Suck it Philadelphia!!!
Being from New York also makes me well versed in the art of profanity. Sometimes there is just no more appropriate way to express yourself than with a well placed four letter word. One curse can be worth a thousand mere mortal words. Now I am aware that some people don’t believe in using profanity and that’s fine. What I have a problem with is the people who don’t know how to curse properly.
Like any words, curses should be used in proper context. You shouldn’t just go around throwing bad words out left and right like some kid whose parents are not around. Have some tact damnit! Not every situation calls for a curse. You have to practice some judgement. If you curse all the time then the words lose their effectiveness. You want your words to have maximum potency. No matter if it’s an expletive or not!
Also you want to make sure you choose the right curse for the right situation. You wouldn’t use a missile to take out that dude who stole your paper clips at work would you? No. You would use a handgun. One of the great things about curses is that there is a word for every occasion. Choose wisely and you’ll be fine. Let’s break down the language a bit shall we. Consider this your Rosetta Stone for profanity…
Ass
The lowest on the bad word totem pole has to be ass. Who doesn’t say ass? Really is it even considered a curse anymore? That doesn’t mean it can’t be effective though. For instance asshole can be very effective. Calling someone an asshole can really ruin their day if done correctly (Note: It is never acceptable for a man to say a-hole. Never!). Or if you want to sound a bit classier you can go with this;
“You’re such an ass.”
If used at the proper moment that line could demolish someone’s ego. It is the perfect combination of insulting and condescending. Here is a bit more on this one…
Bitch
Now bitch is an interesting word to me. It can be used very playfully, but also can be a surefire way to start a fight. I mean how many times have you heard girls call eachother a bitch while giggling and sipping on vanilla frappucinos? Yet that same word in a different context could result in one girl throwing said vanilla frappucino at the other’s brand new dress. CATFIGHT!
I never use bitch to refer to a lady. Notice I said LADY and not woman. Cause if a woman is being an unladylike bitch I will not hesitate to call her on it. Just sayin.
Shit
Shit is like the swiss army knife of curses. You can use it for anything. I mean the possibilities are endless.
One of my favorite uses for this word is to brag with it. This is how that would go…
Co-Worker: Hey Dave I heard you knocked that presentation out of the park yesterday. Congrats buddy.
Me: Shhhhheeeeeeeit. You know how I do playa!
I could have just said thanks there, but that sounds way cooler. Don’t you agree?
Fuck
Okay now this is a dirty word right here. Of all the curses this is by far the ugliest. Fuck should be used the most sparingly of all these words. It should be reserved for when you really want to get your point across.
For instance I rarely use the term “Fuck You”. To me that is serious. I don’t use it lightly. Also I find that if I do have to use it, it’s way more effective to say it quietly than to yell it. Say it like your soul is hurting. Also say just that and then walk away. Let it resonate.
That is unless you are in a shouting match with a stranger. In this case you have to say it loud and with the proper tone of disgust. Full emphasis should be on the F. FFFuck You.
Lastly it is never acceptable to follow “fuck you” with a friendly term (i.e., Fuck you buddy, Fuck you pal, etc.). You sound stupid. Stop that.
Angry Tirades
Okay finally if you have reached your boiling point then it might be a good time for a tirade. In plain speak this means you gotta curse a motherfucker out. The occasional tirade is good for the soul. It lets you get some of that pent up anger out. Tirades should not be overused though. Then you just sound like you are all bark and no bite. You want your tirade to surprise your foe. You want them to reflect back at the end of the day and say “Damn. He/She really cursed me out!”
There is an art to cursing people out. Each curse is like a brush stroke in a painting. Make sure each one has purpose. Unfortunately this is something that cannot be taught. You either have the ability or you don’t.
Against the Grain 
I have to disagree with you there, Dave.Melbourne rocks more… we even have our own Grand Prix! (You know, the races where the drivers have to do more than “turn left” constantly…)XPOther than that, nice post!
Thank you. I will now cuss more efficiently just for you, Dave.
Dare I call this a piece of art?
I can now go out into the world and use my words the correct way. Watch out world.
The combo curse was the best! Hope I never piss you off. Damn you’re good at that.
Haha! I now can use proper ettiquete when I curse.Actually. …. “Fuck” is a really dirty word. I don’t use that word at all. The words I use are “Damn”….” crap”… “Ass”…. and … lol “Bitch” when I am messing with my friends
Lol that was awesome
Hahaha. I don’t curse. =)
What the fuck? You didn’t even get in to the damned good cuss words. Drop the C-bomb, Dave. LoL. And I love that you call shit the swiss army knife of cuss words. That is more than accurate!
LOL…you so wise. If i were to pick up cursing, i will have to use this as a refresher course. haha
“If you’re in New York and you’re not saying motherfucker right, you’ve just gotta get the fuck out.”=My new favorite quote.
LOL….i’m loving your accent.as well as your tirade combos.
I’d rather just call people “douche nuggets”.It sounds way better than “ass” or “assholes”.
I do not curse but if I were going to, I’d be sure to take your cursing advice to heart. Deedarndiddly, yes, I would.
You have an awesome voice.
Sorry, I just blush all over when I use any swear words. Actually, there is only one person in the world that I will swear to. Otherwise, I use the medical/textbook terms, i.e. You intercoursing piece of defecation, your dad is the son of a female dog, and your momma is a vagina.
this must have taken you quite some time to put together.very nicely presented. thanks for the education….:)
Although I am not from New York – I can relate to swearing – I have been told I swear like a drunken sailor – of course that comes from being raised by a mechanic. Thank you for the giggles – and I will make sure to use my profanity in the proper New York context!
Haha, this was amazing. I am a better person now after listening to your guide. Or at least a more informed person.
You’ve proven to me there really is an art to cursing.
“Pick a city, any city in the world. We’re better than you.”San Francisco! xP… Here I am trying to cut back on my swearing, and you’re telling me how to do it better? Rawr.
Fuck yea, dude! This post kicks so much ass, it made me shit on a bitch!
LOL. You schooled everyone New York style! Niiiiice.
LOL :DIf I learned ANYTHING at all today, the art of cursing is definately at the top of the list.
I learned to curse from New Yorkers… So my southern ass is WELL Versed in the art of Cursing…. I hate when ppl make bad combos like “The damn Shit” WTF is THAT???And what happened to the P-word… that shuts ppl DOWN!!!Great Post!!!
Dave, you owe me a new set of ears.
Well, I dunno man, I liberally smear curse words all over every situation that comes up in my life.Especially fuck.Yeah.I fucking like that word. It’s nice to pair it with a demeaning or socially negative phrase. E.g. “You fucking cock jockey.”Huzzah.
I am a farmgirl,I say shit all the time.
I never curse ya bastudd.
Only you could make cussing sound so good! hahaActually I love cussing and was blessed with TWO Grandmothers who could make a sailor blush!I do prefer calling someone and ass then an asshole.and my favorite thing to say when I need to let off some steam is ‘fuck me runnin”in my family flipping someone the bird is a guesture of endearment! ; )Glad you back in true form!
Haha, this reminds me of George Carlin’s Fuck speech.
you called me a bitch once…..
LMAO! Bitch-ass Motherfucker!
I was waiting for this post, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I didn’t know you were a New Yorker. I grew up in Boston. Yankees suck!
@jacksoncroons – well I’m a Mets fan so we’re cool. Say hi to Buckner for me though.
Thanks V Much!U teach Us A Lot cause we live in Hk can only learn fr US Films! daily life language in New York seems V Attractive to me! and of course , I can teach my KIds!( for those over 13)Looking forward to your New Post then,but PL make it short cause People in HK don’t have enough time ( in fact they think and make it themselves), and always in a Rush!Your True Fan fr. Hk,MyChinaFlower!
[Profane], that was some [profane] good [profane.]
I love New York accents! :]
Very nice… next time I have to put a bitch in her place, I will be sure to use one of your combo’s 🙂 And, you have the sexiest voice… EVER!
Motherfucker, Houston will kick yo yankee ass all day, any day.My friends and I mix our curses with racial epithets when amongst each other. It’s fun, so long as nobody that isn’t our friend tries to do it.”Quit being such a polack bitch and call her fuckin ass OUT!””Shut your damn half-chink mouth. I don’t remember asking you a DAMN thing. Here’s five dorrah, now get the fuck out!”
@vanedave – Mets fan? Didn’t you bitches complain that the Astrodome was using it’s air conditioners to keep your team from hitting homers? You KNOW Mike Scott would’ve kept yall at home in ’86. Yall got lucky.
I would have to say the far dirtiest word in my opinion was one not even mentioned; let’s just call it the “C” word. I hate hate HATE getting called that. Or the combination ones that include dirty body parts or bad names for women. And the only time I ever get cursed at like that is in sports…we women get vicious on the field!
*LOL* You swear wonderfully!
LMAO this is extremely usefulI swear too much for my own good, now I can do it properly.
“Pick a city, any city in the world. We’re better than you.” Fcuk yes! NY FTW. We deffinitely are the best at cursing.Btw, I love you and this post. =]
@Ipickedoutyourstar23 – lol. Girls call eachother the C word on the field. Damn that is rough!@kelly122192 – If you can make it here…well you know the rest.@Olyachka – Glad to be of service!@another_rebel_without_a_cause – All that matters is we beat your sorry asses in the playoffs this year. Are you guys even fielding a team this year? I don’t think most people can even name five current Astros. Lance Berkman, Hunter Pence (most people don’t know him, but he’s good so I’ll show him some love), The pitcher formerly known as Roy Oswalt, That 50 year old shortstop who is in trouble with the law, and….Craig Biggio?
@vanedave – You can make it anywhere! It’s up to you- New York, New Yorkkk!
I wasn’t able to listen to the words! Kids were around & yeah. Don’t want them picking up those words! I don’t swear…well. Not all the time. I usually say “Shit” when I make an oops whilest driving! LOL Thats about it! “Oh shit” haha! Or “Oh Crap” thats about the only bad words I use! New York eh? VERY cool. I live in Toronto. Fun times. I’m heading to New York though in May. Which is exciting!
This is classic… of course mastery of the term “fuck” has been established in my two f-bomb blogs… lolD
@dadj_21 – yeah I saw one of the f-bomb tirades. Quite offensive! haha.
Fuck, man. This is the shiite. Well fucking done.
I would dare say in NYC you could find any food imaginable in a 1.5 mile radius, really – conservative estimate.”Fuck” is my favorite – so poetic, so versatile, capable of being almost every part of speech sans preposition. I love NYC because now my habit of cursing is appreciated.
This is the best. Seriously. You just brightened my day. I now love curse words. I want to go use them, in a very sweetlike manner. =D
Wow. Perhaps I come at this from a skewed perspective; but I believe your list is a bit too short for my taste! I mean, yeah, I know all these words; but what about SOB? No instructional lesson on how to properly bring someone’s parentage into the equation? And what about the nastiest of all nasties to a woman? Oh yeah, I’m talking about the “c-word.” That one I don’t use… and I use some cuss words, honey; don’t let that 40-year old Mama living in the South thing fool you! My daddy was a SAILOR, remember? But the “c-word,” well, that’s just too nasty even for me. The rest, well, I tend to agree with you. I use MF sparingly and try to tone down my F’s… I have teenage kids, you know! They gotta learn SOME things on their own, right? (Somehow I think they’re both already familiar, they just show me the respect of not using those words around me.)I am happy you left one off the list, because I just don’t think it has any place in society. GD. How arrogant to think that you can call on God Himself to damn someone? I mean, questioning your opponent’s mother’s morals is one thing; but I don’t really think God should be involved in cussing…
I often wonder the tone you take while writing this. Is it… conversational? Is it informative? Do you legitimately believe that you are informing the public on dire information? *squints eyes in thought*:DThis is, at any rate, informative.hahaI thoroughly enjoyed it.However, I was not able to listen to the audio clips..but, all is well.With the “shit” part, how you use it to brag… I imagined you with a bashful grin and shoulders shrugged as if to say, “Ahhh. it was nothiiiiing!” :]
I prefer the word “ass” because you can accessorize it with other descriptive bits of goodness to create sheer profanity deliciousness.ie: “Ass clown”…”Ass monkey” … “Ass hat”
@hecticmuse – thanks. haha. I thought you might like it.@mixedbabiesrock – haha. It really is an underappreciated artform.@petitenoirtenue – Go out and pick a fight. You have my blessing.@Shirlann – eh I couldn’t be as comprehensive as I wanted to. This would have gone on forever. I think I could teach a seminar on this. It’s just so much fun.I don’t use the c word either. It’s just an ugly word to me.@torturetoy – that is exactly how the gragging goes. And the purpose was to be humorously informative.@CAKesterson – I do like the occasional Ass Clown. Still that is really not authentic New York vernacular. I adopted that one on the internet.
hahahaha great post! How funny!
Hell yeah!! Hell is still a curse word, right? Hmmm…
this would be my favorite explanation: “Lastly it is never acceptable to follow “fuck you” with a friendly term (i.e., Fuck you buddy, Fuck you pal, etc.). You sound stupid. Stop that.”i agree though…but i cracked up laughing in the middle of class. ^_^
Saying “fuck you” quietly is EXTREMELY effective. ^.^
As a New Yorker, of course I already knew this.All of it.We’re born with it, no?
@IfonEarth – Do my town, do my town! Los Angeles!
Great post! Made me laugh. However I couldn’t get away with any of this at house. They would have a fit. Maybe this summer I’ll test my new cursing knowledge.
@vanedave – Son, we don’t need big names. Berkman, Lee, Pence, Valverde, Oswalt. Make fun of him if you want, but he has the most wins and the highest winning percent of anybody since he made it to the majors. Mike Hampton is healthy again, just wait and see. Pudge is beefing up what had been a purely defensive role for us. Even if he has the worst year of his life, it could be better than anything we’ve had at catcher since Biggio. LaTroy Hawkins is money, Moehler gets the job done consistently, and if Wandy keeps his cool on the road, he’ll be a beast. The only major questions are Bourn’s OBP and Matsui’s health.Carlos Lee would have been MVP last year if he hadn’t broken his hand. Besides, how unbiased is it that Bud made the Stros play right after a hurricane against the Cubs in Milwaukee as a home game? We were rolling.
i love a good cuss word. does a body good….
You missed the C word. In my humble opinion, as far as woman talk goes, calling or saying that someone is something relating to a cunt is pretty much the worst. Especially when a man uses it to describe his now ex-girlfriend. He can get away with being mad and telling me to fuck off, but if he calls me a cunt, it’s over.
@Shirlann – Lol. I only find myself saying GD when something bad randomly happens. Like, I spilled hot coffee all over everything in the car. That makes me say that. But I’d be more comfortable with saying shit if It wasn’t a compulsion.
@another_rebel_without_a_cause – okay I almost couldn’t get through your whole comment cause i started cracking up after “Mike Hampton is healthy again.” The Latroy Hawkins and Jose Velveeta shoutouts waere almost equally as hilarious. @zretrareo27 – yeah. I didn’t wanna go there. lol.
I really love New York. This blog reminded me of what I hate about New Yorkers.Go fuck yourself. Chicago has it all over you when it comes to corruption. We also produced the best president ever. Suck on that. That said, I really love New York. You guys are just like us.
@bastetmax – no arguments on the corruption point. You fuckers got that shit locked down.
“Crap” is a “curse” word, says many people. Though it really is, it shouldn’t be. Everyone says crap.
@rambunctiously_softspoken – Crap is NOT a curse.
I knew you’d see it my way. Can’t wait for my next trip to New York.
@rambunctiously_softspoken – Crap might have been a curse word long ago, but it isn’t now.
@vanedave – Jut wait and see. Hampton will get double digit wins with us. Did you see what LaTroy did with the Astros after he left the Yankees?
@another_rebel_without_a_cause – he has a better chance of having triple digit days on the DL.Hawkins will be medocre as always.
Hawkins may have a history of mediocrity, but I don’t think his 0.43 ERA with Houston was a fluke.Trust me, Hampton will play like he did in The Dome.
fuckn’ sweet