Alright here we go. This is a guest post by my good friend Alex. I am not responsible for what ensues.
Chapter 1 -The Date
It happened on a warm summer night in 2002. I was feeling happy because I was going on a date. I washed up and I made sure my nuts were squeaky clean. This is my date could see her reflection if she gave me fellatio. I hopped on the train and was jolly and happy-go-lucky on my way to meeting her at a Japanese restaurant. We were eating and talking, getting to know each other and I felt something gurgling and moving in my stomach. It was a fart.
In my brain I didn’t want to fart at the table. Not now, not in front of this girl. I didn’t know her like that. This wasn’t just an ordinary fart, but it was a shart. (A shart is a shit fart. It’s a fart that will definitely become a shit) I stopped eating and got a doggy bag, because I knew it was only gonna get worse. All along she kept talking. I resented her cause everything she said was long and drawn out.
Leaving the restaurant we passed a dumpster. Every time I smell garbage it makes my stomach feel like shit. I already felt like shit so it only made it worse. I felt the doodoo turtleneck out of my butt. I couldn’t fart or anything so I walked as tight-assed as I could squeezing the turtlenecked doodoo back in. We made it to the J train. (The J train is the worst train in the city to take.) While we are on the J train she said to me, “Hey, want to chill at my house for a few?” In my mind she was gonna give me the BUNS! How could I do that? How could I get the buns with a shit log in my buttocks? We get to her stop on the J train in Brooklyn, and I tell her, “Hey I really can’t come over tonight, I have something really important to do in the morning.” I really had something important to do that night! Take a big ‘ol SHIT!
Chapter 2 -The Long Ride Home
We leave her stop and I’m in the last car of the J Train. At this point I couldn’t sit down in a seat because my body would think that was the ‘doodoo position’. I decided to just rock back and forth. My body was making sounds telling me, “Yo! You gots to Shit!” Just then they told everyone to get the fuck off the train and take the shuttle bus the rest of the way home. I was still very far from home. I felt like the MTA had betrayed me. Like they knew I had to take a shit and they wanted me to shit myself. Now how the fuck am I gonna take a bus when I feel like I’m gonna shit on myself? I felt like I was gonna die. Just then I saw a cab stand.
I walk into the cab stand and I said, “I need a cab to Jamaica Queens, like 3 months ago!” I jump in the cab and put every thing on the line. I let the cab driver know I was about to shit on myself and asked him if he could get me home in the next 15 minutes. The cab Driver said to me, “I’ll get you there, just don’t shit in my cab!” He was an angel. I fell in love with him right there. I told him I couldn’t sit down and he told me to kneel with my face in the back window and my ass right behind his chair. As he drove he told me bits of wisdom. He said something I will take to my grave. He said, “Doodoo has an artificial intelligence. The closer you get home the more it wants to come out.” For a moment I laughed, but my stomach immediately told me to stop it. We finally made it to my house just in time…so I thought.
Chapter 3 -The Accident
The cab ride was $20, but all I had on me was a fifty dollar bill. The driver didn’t have change so he said, “Fuck it! Just get that shit out.” I said thank you and ran up the steps in my front yard. As I opened the screen door to go in, one of my legs refused to move. It got trapped in the screen door and tripped me up. While I’m falling everything was in slow motion. I felt my body brace for impact. As soon as I hit the steps my body just gave up. I shat all over myself. It was like a hot shitty wave crashed over me. My clothes were ruined and I was ashamed. I was crying, thinking to myself, “I’m a grown ass man and I have bubbly leaking shit all over me.” I threw everything away, down to my socks and sneakers. Shit was everywhere. I remember thinking, “How did this shit get everywhere like this? It came out my ass.” I was buck-assed naked standing in my living room, scared someone would find me with shit all over me. Thankfully nobody did, but my mom later told me she did heard me crying.