I had a very traumatic night yesterday.
It started out innocently enough. I sat down on my couch and turned the TV on, scanning through the channels to see what was on. I came across FOX News and decided to stop for a minute, as I often do, to see what horrible thing President Obama has done now. Next thing I know, my sweet virgin ears were attacked by a barrage of lude sexual references involving wrinkly old white men. Sean Hannity teabagging this, Newt Gingrich teabagging that. DICK ARMEY getting ready to teabag! EEEEEEWWWW!!!
Shame on you FOX News!
Soon after that I drifted off to sleep. I never remember my dreams, but I remember having one hell of a nightmare last night. It started out with me alone in a hot tub. It was a really nice sized hot tub but I had it all to myself. I felt completely relaxed. I closed my eyes and let the jets work their magic. A short while later I opened my eyes and nearly had a heart attack. Suddenly I was surrounded by people. Not just any people either, I was surrounded by five of the FOX News All Stars. Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter, Newt Gingrich, and Dick Armey had all snuck into the hot tub with me. After the initial shock wore off I decided to speak up.
Me: What the hell are you guys doing here?
Sean Hannity: Relaxing just like you Dave. Newt, and I just got back from a long day of teabagging with Dick Armey. We are exhausted.
Newt Gingrich: You said it Sean. I almost forgot how to teabag it’s been so long. Man that brought me back.
Dick Armey: The last time I teabagged was actually with O’Reilly back in… damnit, what year was that Bill?
Bill O’Reilly: 69 Dick. I believe it was 69. Ahhhh good old 69′. 69′ was good to us wasn’t it guys?
Ann Coulter: Well I was a little young but I’m sure I would have enjoyed 69 with you guys if I had the chance.
Gingrich: You would have had a ball with us in 69′ Ann.
Me: You guys need to stop. For reals.
Armey: Aww damnit!
O’Reilly: What’s wrong Dick?
Armey: I can’t get this oil spread onto my back properly.
O’Reilly: Here let me get that for you. *Proceeds to rub oil on Dick Armey’s back*
O’Reilly: Goodness Dick, are you always this stiff?
Armey: No I usually go all limp when I get into a hot tub.
(At this point Dick Armey catches me staring at him in gross disgust.)
Armey: What? Why are you staring? You are attracted to me aren’t you? It’s my name. It’s just too good. Go ahead and say it aloud. “Dick Armey.” Thanks again mom.
Me: Sir you disgust me in ways I have never known possible till now.
O’Reilly: Hey shut it puke! Dick had a long day. Just stop staring and let the man enjoy this back rub
Hannity: See. This is the side of Bill so few get to see. I’d like to see a leftist find enough kindness in his heart to rub oil on an old man who can no longer reach his own back.
Coulter: You said it Sean. I remember Bill telling me about his charity work with strippers. He used to give them all ovens. Isn’t that a thoughtful gift to give someone? An oven. And a Dutch Oven at that. We all know how the Dutch are reknowned for their fine oven making.
Hannity: You see! All those free dutch ovens he gives out and not one word of press about it. Yet Oprah gives away a few cars and everyone crowns her Mother Theresa. I wouldn’t let that incompetent idiot tend to my grass!
Coulter: For me there’s nothing like a Dirty Sanchez when I want my lawn mowed.
Me: WHAT?!!! I did not need to know that.
Gingrich: What’s wrong Dave? She’s just being racist. It’s what she does, no big deal.
Me: Oh she was being racist. I misunderstood. My mistake.
Hannity: Oh Ann, I meant to tell you happy belated birthday. How did your day go?
Coulter: It was wonderful. Newt invited me over to his place for his signature dish.
Gingrich: Yes. My famous Cleveland Steamer.
Coulter: It was so good. Then he surprised me with a pearl necklace.
Hannity: What?!!! He got you a pearl necklace. All he got me for my birthday was a stupid trombone. And a rusty one at that!
Gingrich: Hey you told me you really liked that rusty trombone I gave you.
At this point I woke up in a cold sweat screaming bloody murder. I immediately went to the bathroom and vomited a few times. Ughh what a horrible, horrible nightmare. All that old wrinkly skin and sexual innuendo. I hope it’s not a recurring dream.