Since people want to act like children around here, I think its high time we started treating them as such.
There is a time of year that all bratty children dread. A time when beatings are sure to be handed out and when allowances are always in jeopardy. I am speaking of course about report card time. Time to pay the piper douchebags. Read em’ and weep!
Hello parents. I am your teacher Mr. Smooth. I am going to be guiding you through this progress report, providing comments to help you understand some of my grading criteria. If there are any questions please wait until the end to ask. I also ask you to wait till you get home before beating your shitty child. That way I am not legally bound to report you. Let’s begin with a breakdown of what each grade means (These are the grades I used to get back in the day)…
E = Excellent (Don’t worry, you won’t be seeing any of these)
G = Good (None of these either)
S = Satisfactory
N = Needs Improvement
U = Unsatisfactory/ EPIC FAIL!!!
Now then, on to the grades…
Comments: Your child often shows a lack of ability to make any kind of damn sense. It can be really frustrating to the rest of the students who do have some damn sense. Now if you see, I was generous and awarded your
brat child an “S” in the second category. This is because they have shown enough competence to express their thoughts, even if those thoughts make no damn sense.
Comments: In all honesty your kid kind of struggles with both of these. They have no trouble with the beginner stuff like 1+1 = 2, but when we got a little more advanced it was a real struggle. Just look at the ridiculous answer they gave me to this simple equation;
National Debt After 8 Years of Bush (9.2 Trillion)
+ National Deficit After 8 Years of Bush (-354 Billion)
= Obama’s Fault After 2 Months in Office
Comments: Here is something that your child seems to be struggling with. When a presidential election is held, the victor is inaugurated and becomes EVERYONE’s president. They also do not seem to understand that the bible is not a book of historical fact and that it was written by men.
Comments: Well, these are pretty self explanatory.
Comments: I am getting a little tired of not being able to discuss sports around here without your child complaining
and shitting their pants. I am the teacher damnit. I’ll talk about sports if I damn well please. Also I would like to clarify the “S-” for going outside. That “S-” will quickly turn into a “U” if your child does not start going outside for more than trips to McDonald’s, Dairy Queen, and GameStop.
Comments: Finally we get to the area where your
little shit child needs the most improvement. If you can clearly see here, your child is a social moron. As you can see, they got below average marks in every category, save for one where I was unsure. I left a question mark in “Displays sane and normal thinking” only because with the growing number of douchebag kids out there, I am starting to wonder what is sane and normal nowadays. Do not however, take that question mark as a good thing.
Well that is all. Try not to be too angry. There is always next marking period. Just take your kid home and preach non-douchiness to them until it is burned into their skull. Please do this for all of our sakes.
…Oh and don’t forget to sign this report card down below.