Where Do You Rate on the Smooth-O-Meter?

So not too long ago I was discussing with someone how I should be a professor of smooth studies at a university somewhere when I got an idea for a post. I wanted to show different degrees of smoothness in an easy to follow scale. So I rated smoothness from 0-10 using different “celebrities” to illustrate different degrees of smooth. Here is how it turned out.

The Smooth-O-Meter

0. Tucker Carlson
Tucker Carlson
You are the opposite of smooth. You are a bumbling, fumbling, disaster of non-smoothness. Hey, at least you have your bowtie.
Xanga Equivalent – DearRicky

1. Jouaquin Phoenix
You used to be smooth, but somewhere along the line things went horribly wrong. You’re not doing drugs are you?
Xanga Equivalent – TheBlackSpiderman

2. Eli Manning
eli manning
Normally you are a huge doofs, but you have your occasional fits of smoothness. Like how Eli had his one smooth run to the Super Bowl.
Xanga Equivalent – UnderCover_Librarian

3. Bill Gates
You really aren’t that smooth, but you have that one shining quality that makes up for your total lack of smoothness. In Bill Gates’ case its that he has infinity billion dollars.
Xanga Equivalent – TheTheologiansCafe

4. Lionel Ritchie
Lionel Ritchie
You are corny as hell, yet somehow still smooth as hell. Nobody understands it. We all know that we should be making fun of you, but we are too busy liking you to do so. 
Xanga Equivalent – TheLoquaciousLady

5. Mick Foley
There is absolutely nothing smooth about you, but you are not trying to be smooth nor do you give a crap about what people think. That is exactly what makes you so smooth.
Xanga Equivalent – Saintvi
6. Christopher Walken
You definitely don’t fit the classic mold of what would be considered smooth, but you are so smooth that you carved your own niche of smoothness.
Xanga Equivalent – Kontzicles

7. Will Smith 
will smith
You are so smooth that it has become redundant to call you so. Thusly your smoothness is often taken for granted.
Xanga Equivalent – MyxlDove

8. Christian Bale
Yeah you’ve got sort of a dickish vibe to you, but you are so smooth that it doesn’t even matter. Now that is smooth!
Xanga Equivalent – Pual_Partisan

9. Justin Timberlake 
As much as people hate to admit it, you are smooth as hell. It irks people how smooth you are but they love you anyways. You still get some demerits though because no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to shake that leftover N’Sync residue.
Xanga Equivalent – Dare2BDifferent

10. The Rock/ Old School Sean Connery/ Brad Pitt
the rockSean_Connerybrad pitt
You are the epitome of smooth! Women want to be with you and men want to be you. Even your haters (few that they may be) can’t fron on your smoothness. If asked why they hate you they just say “cause he is so damn smooth!”
Xanga Equivalent – TheBigShowatUD

The template for all things smooth. The Apex of smoothness. A living embodiment of silky and satin.
Xanga Equivalent: Vanedave of course.

So where do you rate on the smooth-o-meter?



  1. I’m not sure if I even make it on your scale.  I’m definitely lacking in the smooth category.  I will have to sign up for your course.

  2. Number 10 almost made me pee my pants laughing!  Surely you jest!  Can I get subbed in instead, it’d be a Beyonce-style upgrade!Also, I think I am catching your Saturday show so please be on your A-game so I don’t have to heckle.  kthanx.

  3. I’m…I’m…astonished. I was actually used as a comparison on your blog…amazing. Although, should I be pleased that I was compared to Eli Manning? or offended that I was so low on the chart?When in doubt, be pleased. It goes with my bumbling doofishness.

  4. Haha! See, this is classic Dave perfection! Dude, how you come up with this stuff baffles me. But I guess that’s why you’re the professional. lol And yes, I will gladly play the Will Smith role. See, I use my smoothness only for good and not evil. Can I get a witness??

  5. I can’t even look at Eli Manning without cracking up.  During the Superbowl he was in, my boyfriend pointed out what a geek he looks like.  Now everytime I see poor Eli, all I can think is “Uhhhhhh.  I’m wannnna go play with mah magic cardddds.”

  6. @Paul_Partisan – Damn. You are right. He would be off the charts with PD.@saintvi – Well I didn’t want to mention it, but…@mixedbabiesrock – lol. I’ll try not to suck. @Bricker59 – lol. I was thinking you would be a good fit for that mick foley spot too.@mrsprosa – No one who publicly admits to liking A-Rod can be considered smooth. Oh and go with a David Wright jersey on Saturday. Can’t go wrong there.@Undercover_Librarian – I like Eli. You should be pleased.@JadedJanissary – haha. Tis true Matthew.@trunthepaige – That’s not very smooth.@Dare2BDiferentt – nah its just cause I had those three dudes in mind for a ten. @pansybradshaw – Now THAT is smooth! Not.@DommieGirlLovie – Where do you think you rank?

  7. I’m too smooth I’d break your charts. K? I’m a 10.0000000000019. I kid, like rock. I mean Kid Rock or Rock N Roll. Or Rocky Road. Mostly The Beatles. But I think I’m like a 2.5 :O

  8. Too busy liking me, my foot. You know that too much mockery will unleash Loquacia, my secret ghetto self, who will bust a verbal cap in the ass of your self-esteem. Or cry.

  9. This nearly had me doubled over with laughter.  7. tooooo funny!  I’m not sure about my smoothness… I’d have to take a poll to determine that and no one has time for a poll.  I guess I’d put myself somewhere in the middle just to be safe.  @TheBigShowAtUD – see everyone loves you.  Why do you deny your amazing appeal?!?  You got 3 examples to prove it.  Dave knows.  haha. 

  10. @ccarothers – Aw man… you sayin’ I’m funny looking? I’m surprised you were able to find a picture of me online to use for #7 Dave. I don’t usually sit for professional photo shoots.  

  11. You know, I totally agree, Christian Bale does have a dickish thing about him. (by the way, what was he like in Terminator? I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m amping for the kickass robots). I think I’d be 1-3.. 10 and Off The Charts are something to aspire to

  12. If I had to be smooth, I guess I’d be Mick Foley. Fuck being smooth though. I’m Scotch-Irish, I might have an anger problem, and I haven’t met the booze that could break me. Light beer is smooth. I’m more like if you mixed sour mash and gasoline.Rough and intense can kick smooth’s ass any day.

  13. you forgot about sam-wherethefishlives lol he is smooth as the sexy spy in the bourne identity movie, matt damon but also mixed with a versatile johnny depp appeal. I’m biased.

  14. bill gates fo shoddy.  my jokes suck, i giggle when trying to pick up on dudes, and my voice occasionally cracks/stutters.  BUT, i cook.  i’d say that’s about the same. hehe

  15. I’d say I rate 2 but I hope to move up to 3, Bill Gates smooth, by having infinity billion dollars. I can buy smooth then. At that point, I’ll write PimpDave’s life story and have Will Smith play him. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

  16. Dear Vanedave:  When I was growing up, Sean Connery was the epitome of “cool”.  I still think he leaves those other guys behind in a cloud of dust!  The fact that he was voted “Sexiest Man” at age 60- even after he told Barbara Walters he’d sock a woman (maybe because of it?!)- speaks volumes.  That picture of him being knighted by the Queen, decked out in full Scottish regalia, probably had even the younger chicks swooning in the aisles!  Sir Sean’s more “rough” than “smooth”… but definitely “cool”.  Do you think Brad Pitt will get that kind of adultation when he hits his golden years?  He should live so long!  Regards.  SMP

  17. I don’t rate very high! LOL I have never really been smooth! lolI like your list! They are all what I would pick! especially Will Smith! *sighs* Christian Bale too…Oh & Justin Timberlake – man. My girly-ness is coming out! LOL *HUGS*

  18. Ha. I agree with the celebrity examples, but not necessarily with the xangan examples. I don’t know who “kontzicles” is, but nobody, and I mean nobody, deserves to be Christopher Walken except Christopher Damn Walken.Also, I hate that annoying Dare2B guy. Nothing smooth about him.Ace in a hole with the the big show, though. And you, of course.

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