So not too long ago I was discussing with someone how I should be a professor of smooth studies at a university somewhere when I got an idea for a post. I wanted to show different degrees of smoothness in an easy to follow scale. So I rated smoothness from 0-10 using different “celebrities” to illustrate different degrees of smooth. Here is how it turned out.
The Smooth-O-Meter
0. Tucker Carlson
You are the opposite of smooth. You are a bumbling, fumbling, disaster of non-smoothness. Hey, at least you have your bowtie.
Xanga Equivalent – DearRicky
1. Jouaquin Phoenix
You used to be smooth, but somewhere along the line things went horribly wrong. You’re not doing drugs are you?
Xanga Equivalent – TheBlackSpiderman
2. Eli Manning
Normally you are a huge doofs, but you have your occasional fits of smoothness. Like how Eli had his one smooth run to the Super Bowl.
Xanga Equivalent – UnderCover_Librarian
3. Bill Gates
You really aren’t that smooth, but you have that one shining quality that makes up for your total lack of smoothness. In Bill Gates’ case its that he has infinity billion dollars.
Xanga Equivalent – TheTheologiansCafe
4. Lionel Ritchie
You are corny as hell, yet somehow still smooth as hell. Nobody understands it. We all know that we should be making fun of you, but we are too busy liking you to do so.
Xanga Equivalent – TheLoquaciousLady
5. Mick Foley
There is absolutely nothing smooth about you, but you are not trying to be smooth nor do you give a crap about what people think. That is exactly what makes you so smooth.
Xanga Equivalent – Saintvi
6. Christopher Walken
You definitely don’t fit the classic mold of what would be considered smooth, but you are so smooth that you carved your own niche of smoothness.
Xanga Equivalent – Kontzicles
7. Will Smith
You are so smooth that it has become redundant to call you so. Thusly your smoothness is often taken for granted.
Xanga Equivalent – MyxlDove
8. Christian Bale
Yeah you’ve got sort of a dickish vibe to you, but you are so smooth that it doesn’t even matter. Now that is smooth!
Xanga Equivalent – Pual_Partisan
9. Justin Timberlake
As much as people hate to admit it, you are smooth as hell. It irks people how smooth you are but they love you anyways. You still get some demerits though because no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to shake that leftover N’Sync residue.
Xanga Equivalent – Dare2BDifferent
10. The Rock/ Old School Sean Connery/ Brad Pitt
You are the epitome of smooth! Women want to be with you and men want to be you. Even your haters (few that they may be) can’t fron on your smoothness. If asked why they hate you they just say “cause he is so damn smooth!”
Xanga Equivalent – TheBigShowatUD
OFF THE CHARTS: PimpDave
The template for all things smooth. The Apex of smoothness. A living embodiment of silky and satin.
Xanga Equivalent: Vanedave of course.
So where do you rate on the smooth-o-meter?
“PimpDave saved my puppy”LMAO.
I’m not sure if I even make it on your scale. I’m definitely lacking in the smooth category. I will have to sign up for your course.
I love Saintvi’s!! These are so good,you nailed them all right on.
whoa lol… you Kontziced me with the Pual. and where is Billy Dee Williams.. he is one of the smoothest man ever. Colt 45 and all!
Not ashamed to say that I am somewhere between the 5 and 6 spot. I look more like Foley and have the occasional moment of smoothness like Walken.
Damn, I need to wax. Like, everywhere!
I don’t know where the heck I would be on that list. Crap! Do I need smooth lessons? How smooth am I????
Number 10 almost made me pee my pants laughing! Surely you jest! Can I get subbed in instead, it’d be a Beyonce-style upgrade!Also, I think I am catching your Saturday show so please be on your A-game so I don’t have to heckle. kthanx.
Haha, I dunno, I guess I’d be like Christopher Walken. I’m not sure I could handle being any smoother than that; I’d end up slipping over all the time!
hahaha awesome
I was smooth once. But it made it hard to hold my beer.
Amusing 🙂
I guess Im not smooth. maybe -1?
PEEEEENIIIIIISSSSSSS penis penis penis
haha, this is great. everything fits so well 😀
yeah, i can’t disagree, really. i mean… i’d have been Rusty in Ocean’s Eleven. everyone knows this.
I’m…I’m…astonished. I was actually used as a comparison on your blog…amazing. Although, should I be pleased that I was compared to Eli Manning? or offended that I was so low on the chart?When in doubt, be pleased. It goes with my bumbling doofishness.
Well..I don’t know about smooth..but I still dominate in cool.
Dave, you are so low friction that physicists struggle to explain it.
Smoothness is for wimps. I’m as smooth as a starving wolverine.
I’m a nine out of ten? Sweet.I wonder why Bigshow gets THREE comparisons.
im az smooth azza crak ho in heat
Lmao!omg. I love this.you are too funny.but what about me?!
Ha ha I don’t know all these people but you sure nailed the ones I do know. 🙂 Funny post!
haha. big pimpin.
LOL, this is great! I’m afraid I fall between DearRicky and Undercover_Librarian. *sigh* There’s no way I can ever hope to be as smooth as BigShow or Paul
this is awesome! I don’t fit into smoothness. I’m chunky peanut butter – ya love me anyway.
@tjordanm – um, yes. YESSSS!
Haha! See, this is classic Dave perfection! Dude, how you come up with this stuff baffles me. But I guess that’s why you’re the professional. lol And yes, I will gladly play the Will Smith role. See, I use my smoothness only for good and not evil. Can I get a witness??
Dang you just about crushed Spidey there…
I don’t know where I rate on the Smooth-O-Meter, but I love, love, love Lionel Richie!!!!!!!!!Kathi
I can’t even look at Eli Manning without cracking up. During the Superbowl he was in, my boyfriend pointed out what a geek he looks like. Now everytime I see poor Eli, all I can think is “Uhhhhhh. I’m wannnna go play with mah magic cardddds.”
@Still_groovy – oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
…God, I hope I don’t have hairy arms.
I probably rate on the Eli Manning level.
You should make a quiz on quizilla (or whatever it’s called).
@Dare2BDiferentt – well, it’s because i’m so well-rounded, you know. it takes a few examples. it would have been nice of him to use a smooth picture of ME, though, but no complaints. i’m being civil on the Internets, today.
@Paul_Partisan – Damn. You are right. He would be off the charts with PD.@saintvi – Well I didn’t want to mention it, but…@mixedbabiesrock – lol. I’ll try not to suck. @Bricker59 – lol. I was thinking you would be a good fit for that mick foley spot too.@mrsprosa – No one who publicly admits to liking A-Rod can be considered smooth. Oh and go with a David Wright jersey on Saturday. Can’t go wrong there.@Undercover_Librarian – I like Eli. You should be pleased.@JadedJanissary – haha. Tis true Matthew.@trunthepaige – That’s not very smooth.@Dare2BDiferentt – nah its just cause I had those three dudes in mind for a ten. @pansybradshaw – Now THAT is smooth! Not.@DommieGirlLovie – Where do you think you rank?
@AnamcharaConcepts – nonsense. I would put you at at least a 2.@MyxlDove – Parents really love you because you are wholesome and you don’t use curse words.@SladeTheGreyFox – His fault for being a delinquent blogger. He knows that I like to talk about him when he’s not around.@Still_groovy – Its funny because I would say that is where you rank too.@into_the_lens – lol. I wanna take his lunch money every time I look at him.
@vanedave – Yeah, where the hell is he anyway?
@vanedave – I’m not always a huge doofs? Wow! I feel so blessed now!
I don’t know,that’s why I’m asking you!You’re the one with the phd in Smoothness.
@DommieGirlLovie – I’d say you are mostly a 6 with moments of being an 8.@SladeTheGreyFox – Idk. Something about real life or whatever.
Love that you compared the females to men…hah.
Ohh, nice combo on the Rock/Sean Connery/Brad Pitt one. That’s velvety smooth 🙂
@Paul_Partisan – you know he got us mixed up. :-pBut for reals, Dave. I’m a two.
Lmao. One eprop!
Haha.thanks.I think.
I’m too smooth I’d break your charts. K? I’m a 10.0000000000019. I kid, like rock. I mean Kid Rock or Rock N Roll. Or Rocky Road. Mostly The Beatles. But I think I’m like a 2.5 :O
I must be smooth infinity!
Too busy liking me, my foot. You know that too much mockery will unleash Loquacia, my secret ghetto self, who will bust a verbal cap in the ass of your self-esteem. Or cry.
@TheLoquaciousLady – lol. do it. that is something i have to see.
@TheLoquaciousLady – lol. I am one of the few who have been fortunate enough to meet her. Hey I ranked you with Lionel Ritchie. That’s pretty damn good.
@Kontzicles – haha. I was being nice because you are about to give birth.@Kontzicles – I just saw that. WTF?!@wherethefishlives – lol. You are definitely a 6 with Chris Walken. Come on man that one is a no brainer.
This nearly had me doubled over with laughter. 7. tooooo funny! I’m not sure about my smoothness… I’d have to take a poll to determine that and no one has time for a poll. I guess I’d put myself somewhere in the middle just to be safe. @TheBigShowAtUD – see everyone loves you. Why do you deny your amazing appeal?!? You got 3 examples to prove it. Dave knows. haha.
Oh and I love your tags today.
@ccarothers – lol. thank you.
Funny, no doubt. Especially some of the xanga equivalents. That GQ thing is also pretty hilarious.
Made me laugh as always, thanks.
LOL Why don’t you tell me …Of course I think of myself as more steal like.
Lmao. XDD Now THAT was smooth.
@ccarothers – Aw man… you sayin’ I’m funny looking? I’m surprised you were able to find a picture of me online to use for #7 Dave. I don’t usually sit for professional photo shoots.
@MyxlDove – No way! I just enjoyed the description… I LOVE me some Will Smith!
I’m definitely in the negatives.Good thing I’m cute.
The only thing smooth about me is my skin…and hair. 😛
Not enough “ooo’s” in smooth to describe you Dave. Slide On!
haha….thanks for the laugh…i guess i’m at -1
You know, I totally agree, Christian Bale does have a dickish thing about him. (by the way, what was he like in Terminator? I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m amping for the kickass robots). I think I’d be 1-3.. 10 and Off The Charts are something to aspire to
i knew bigshow would be a 10.
You’re so smooth you should definitely be doing consulting work . . . ya gotta spread the wealth!
If I had to be smooth, I guess I’d be Mick Foley. Fuck being smooth though. I’m Scotch-Irish, I might have an anger problem, and I haven’t met the booze that could break me. Light beer is smooth. I’m more like if you mixed sour mash and gasoline.Rough and intense can kick smooth’s ass any day.
@TheLoquaciousLady – oh dear heavens! She does that? YOU do that? oh dear heavens! ;-D
Funny post, though I do have to argue that I do not want to be anything like the Rock or Brad Pitt as I kind of like the fact that I have a working brain.
you forgot about sam-wherethefishlives lol he is smooth as the sexy spy in the bourne identity movie, matt damon but also mixed with a versatile johnny depp appeal. I’m biased.
Ahaha, dead on.
This girl ain’t smooth.
uhzzz.. iz kinda scaly. sinse im a lizzzard. dats like a no brayner. like no duuhh. im ssstill ssssmoother.
bill gates fo shoddy. my jokes suck, i giggle when trying to pick up on dudes, and my voice occasionally cracks/stutters. BUT, i cook. i’d say that’s about the same. hehe
I’d say I rate 2 but I hope to move up to 3, Bill Gates smooth, by having infinity billion dollars. I can buy smooth then. At that point, I’ll write PimpDave’s life story and have Will Smith play him. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Dear Vanedave: When I was growing up, Sean Connery was the epitome of “cool”. I still think he leaves those other guys behind in a cloud of dust! The fact that he was voted “Sexiest Man” at age 60- even after he told Barbara Walters he’d sock a woman (maybe because of it?!)- speaks volumes. That picture of him being knighted by the Queen, decked out in full Scottish regalia, probably had even the younger chicks swooning in the aisles! Sir Sean’s more “rough” than “smooth”… but definitely “cool”. Do you think Brad Pitt will get that kind of adultation when he hits his golden years? He should live so long! Regards. SMP
I don’t rate very high! LOL I have never really been smooth! lolI like your list! They are all what I would pick! especially Will Smith! *sighs* Christian Bale too…Oh & Justin Timberlake – man. My girly-ness is coming out! LOL *HUGS*
The. Rock. ❤
Finally, I see where all this extra traffic is coming from, haha. Thanks for linking me!
Pfft, you know I’m smoother than anything silky or smooth. I’m fu- Can’t decide where I’m at.
Seriously, what the heck happened to Joaquin Phoenix? Also, *waves* Hi!!
Ha. I agree with the celebrity examples, but not necessarily with the xangan examples. I don’t know who “kontzicles” is, but nobody, and I mean nobody, deserves to be Christopher Walken except Christopher Damn Walken.Also, I hate that annoying Dare2B guy. Nothing smooth about him.Ace in a hole with the the big show, though. And you, of course.
Also: I’m. Too sexy for your blog. Too sexy for your blog. So sexy it hurts!
Psh. I’ve got more smooth in my left pinkie than these suckas.I’m the ORIGINAL PLAYAFROM THE HIMALAYAAAAAAS…ask Matt, he’ll tell you.
LOL…I’d think Tucker carlson.