The Future Sucks so Far

It doesn’t feel very much like the future does it?

We’re still driving cars, we’re not wearing metallic jumpsuits with jetpacks, and our food is not in pill form.

Where are the robot maids? Where are the teleportation devices? It’s a damn shame that the I-Phone is the coolest gadget out there. It doesn’t even project holograms. How is that cool?

We are now nine and a half years post Y2K. It still feels like the 90’s in many ways. Well except for music and television being worse and gas prices being higher. If anything we are going backwards it seems. I mean we do have a black president, but we also still have to deal with Coonbots. Can we really call this progress? 

We were supposed to be a utopian society by now. We were supposed to be ruled by one government made up of people of mixed races and genders (and possibly a few aliens here and there). They were supposed to sit on some high council wearing long white and silver robes that seemed to glow all the time. Where is our glowing high council damnit?!!!

I can tell you this. We are coming up on some pretty scary future dates real soon. According to many sources, the end of days is near. 

Upcoming End of the World Dates
– May 21, 2011 – The date of “the rapture” according to certain sects of Jehovah’s witnesses. This is to be followed closely by the world being destroyed by fire on October 21st of the same year.
– Dec. 21, 2012 – The end of days according to the Mayan and Aztec calendars. 
– 2014 – End of the world according to Pope Leo IX. In the year 1514 A.D. He told his followers to “fear not” the world would end “500 years hence”. Do the math people.
– April 19, 2011 – Skynet gains consciousness according to timeline B of the Terminator series.
– April 21, 2011 – Skynets starts the nuclear war which tears the earth asunder.
– 2009? – Rev. Jerry Falwell reveals in a 1999 speech that he believes the anti-christ is already among us. Most likely in the form of a male Jew. Also he believe Christ will return to pass judgement on us within the next ten years. Aww man, that was ten years ago.
– Dec. 2009 – That disease from I am Legend forces Manhattan to be quarantined. By September of 2012, Will Smith is the only man left in Manhattan and one of a small group of survivors. I don’t wanna be a zombie!
– 2099-2100 – Machine forces overtake the human armies and make us into human batteries. The matrix is created to extend the lifespan of comatose human batteries. (Okay so we have a bit of time before this one.) 

Scared yet? Well to be honest you shouldn’t be. If the world ends it ends. What are ya gonna do?

I’ll tell you what though, I am pissed. If the world ends before I have owned a hover car or shook hands with an alien, I am going to be thoroughly disappointed. The highlight of living in this era cannot be having internet access on my phone! I wanna see Mars damnit!

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46 comments

  1. Ok you have just convinced me to stop being lazy and get my butt back to church!  All I know is I hope I am long gone before they start feeding us green crackers!

  2. According to this YouTube video, the end of the world begins the week of July 4th, this very year.

    I’m sure the veracity of this video has been confirmed. It is, after all, on YouTube.Don’t EVER knock having the internet on your cell phone, man! Have some gratitude!

  3. I’ll be fine if it’s just Will Smith, me, and the zombie/vampires left.  I’ve had a crush since Fresh Prince.Iiiiiiiiiin West Philadelphia, born and raised…

  4. Ha, my dad would share the same sentiment with you, especially on the topic of hover cars. He grew up in the early ’60s, so he had all kinds of sci-fi futuristic hopes for post-2000. Ah well…~V

  5. um, if the world ends, i won’t have to do ANYTHING.i just want my own island when the rest of you in big cities are obliterated by an invasion.  i’ll be hanging out on the island of Cleveland, formerly part of Ohio of the country formerly called USA.

  6. I remember as a child reading an Ira Levin book titled “This Perfect Day”, in which a global computer ruled the world and kept us all nice with regular injections of hormones and tranquilizers, creating a society in which “fight” and “hate” were obscenities. It was meant as a warning, but I rather liked the idea.@raquel_as_in_welch –  It’s people!@Garistotle – “The future’s not what it used to be, Mister Angel”

  7. Don’t forget Y2K was suppose to spell doom for us as well.  I, for one, am a major skeptic of all these doomsday dates.  However, if one of those ends up being true then I will have to accept it.

  8. It’s a new tradition in my house . . . At midnight on New Year’s Eve, I run to the front door, expecting to find the jetpacks have been delivered . . . I’ve been doing this since 2000 – I still don’t have no stinkin’ jetpack – this, above all things, is the greatest ripoff and scam they have ever perpetrated on us common folks . . . such a cool promise and never delivering . . .

  9. We may not have hover cars, but you can make your own hover craft with lightweight plastic tarp, lots of duct tape, helium, a small battery-powered motor and a big fan.  You won’t get much higher than 6 inches off the ground, and it’s a bitch to steer, but it’s still hovering.  Trufax.  They did it on Mythbusters.But yeah, wtf happened to the future?  I thought we’d be living in houses like you’d see on the Jetsons, having pill dinners, and driving flying cars that fold into a briefcase by now.  I’m sorely disappointed.

  10. And the Pope hasn’t yet fully released the final secret of Fatima yet. I bet its cause he doesn’t want to admit that the Blessed Lady has predicted a fiery conflagration for the world’s end, and no one wants to point the finger at the Blessed Virgin for being responsible for mass hysteria. Aaaaaaand you watch to many movies.

  11. what is with you people?! it is “iphone” or “iPhone,” not “I-Phone”!doomsday shit facinates me. i kind of want to see it, and then rewind it all so i can keep living B)

  12. How are you going to be disappointed? You’ll be dead if the world ends…Anyway, why did you think the world and the people in it would move things along? Move things into some kind of Utopian society with all that stuff… Hovercars… I kinda want to do some things like go to space or what-not. I guess technically, people can do that, but…I can’t. Lots of things to do in the present day that you should try doing first. No?

  13. The things you spend time thinking about do kinda amaze me, my dear. I was kinda looking forward to a Jetsons-like lifestyle someday, though…

  14. I’ve been told by some new age folk that the world will end on May 15, 2012. There will be an alignment of the planets and Earth will be destroyed by some energy from Jupiter. Only those people who have obtained a higher level of consciousness will move on to the next stage of existence. The highest level of existence being in crystaline form.I don’t want to be a zombie, a battery or a crystal!

  15. I WANT A HOVER CAR.  Seriously, where are the things promised as a child?  I graduated in 2000 so ever since I was a kid in school, I have been hearing shit about being a part of the new millenium and blah blah where is my hover car?

  16. This was hilarious!  I agree, though.  Where is all that stuff that was supposed to be here?  Teleporters would be great.  I worry about hovercar traffic.  (Bruce Willis in The Fifth Element)

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