If you ever have the good fortune of meeting me, one of the first things you may notice is that I am a man. As such, there are certain things that I cannot do. For instance, I cannot shop at H&M, I cannot watch Lifetime, or Lifetime Movie Network, or Oxygen, I cannot listen to Lady Gaga, and I cannot under any circumstances eat tofu. These are things that my penis restricts me from doing.
A few days ago I watched as my aunt (a woman) gave birth to my little cousin Anayah. As it so happens, giving birth to a child is another thing I cannot do as a man. Still as I sat there, watching my aunt writhe in pain, I started to wonder what it would be like if that was me going through labor. I don’t think it would work at all.
First off I am way too much of a prude to have a baby. You are sitting there on a bed spread eagle for who knows how long, meanwhile people are coming in and out of the room poking around and checking on stuff down there. Nah man. At some point I would freak the hell out.
“HEY DAMNIT!!! DO YOU ALL MIND?!!!”
I would probably be so uncomfortable that I would just ask the doctor if he could text me the directions so I could deliver the baby myself. I am a man! If I could put together that bookshelf in the living room by myself, I can do this by myself too.
If I did agree to the hospital birth with all the poking and prodding and being spread eagle for hours on end, I would be one cranky son of a bitch! Things would get violent in a hurry! I would probably let out the biggest string of expletives and insults ever known to man. I would make those crazy pregnant women you see in the movies seem like saints.
“What the hell do you mean push? What the hell do you think I’ve been doing all this time you assholes! And for the last time, stop looking at my crotch!!!”
Lastly, if I actually pulled it off I would never shutup about it. I would be bragging left and right. I would be all I just performed a miracle this, and how amazing am I that. My kid would never hear the end of it either. I think I understand mom guilt a little better now after seeing the entire process. I would never let anyone live that down. I could be having a spat with a complete stranger and out of nowhere.
“Hey! I did not carry a baby for nine months and go through hours of labor for this shit!”
“But we are not even related.”
“NOT THE POINT YOU INSENSITIVE PRICK!”
In the end, I think God knew what he was doing. I really have no business having a baby.