I was in the bathroom stall this morning at work and the guy in the stall next to me starts to get some toilet paper together for his big finish. I know this because the work bathroom is usually pretty silent so you can hear every gross little detail. I swear when I have to go and someone else is in the bathroom I try to time my splashdown so it synchronizes with some other noise, like a urinal flush or the sink being turned on. I get so self conscious.
So anyway, back to this guy this morning. Most people go to the toilet paper roll about two or three times before wrapping it all up. This guy went back to the roll about ten to fifteen times. No exaggeration! I kept thinking to myself, damn dude. What the hell did you eat? The worst part is that when I was ready to wipe, I turned and noticed that my roll was missing. I think that overwiping bastard stole my roll so he could be prepared with two rolls. He must have a ten to fifteen wipe OCD routine.
I imagine this is what his toilet at home looks like.
As a result of all this, I had to wait till the coast was clear, and then speed waddle over to the counter where there was a fresh roll. The whole while doing this with my pants around my ankles, hoping and praying that no one walked in on me. It sure has been a fun morning.
Question– I used the term “beating around the bush” recently and it made me wonder where the phrase came from. Common sense would suggest that it might have something to do with lurking in actual bushes, but what if it has nothing to do with shrubbery? What if the metaphor relates to some middle aged guy who can’t please his wife anymore? I just hear his wife in a nagging voice;
“That’s my leg Harold. Still my leg. A little to the left. Your other left. No not in there!”
What is wrong with me today?
Against the Grain 
Lmfao. A shameful shitter, you? I’m surprised.
Yikes! Poop and poorly aimed penises in the same post. I think I might just back away…slowly…haha
Is it 1-ply toilet paper? When the custodian at my last job started ordering 1-ply toilet paper, I brought my own roll and kept it in a desk drawer. 1-ply paper should be illegal. The best thing to come out of the past few years has been 3-ply toilet paper. And now you know how OCD I can be!
I don’t know what’s wrong with you…but you sure make for some light hearted reading. 🙂
I think it amusing that most people learn to do the poop with another noise in public trick without any training. If you beat around the bush, there’s a less likely chance that a boar is going to charge out at you.
lol
@saintvi – naw I don’t think it was 1 ply. We have decent tp.@Krissy_Cole – lol. At first I was like, “poorly aimed penises”? haha.
@vanedave – I like it! It added some alliterative value to my comment!
You’re on a roll today!
Nothings wrong with you today, you’re just exceptionally funny.
In the interest of promoting my own upcoming poo blog, I will rec this. Also because it’s funny. Everybody has off-days. Some of us even have off-decades.
Beating around the bush has to do with hunting. People used to beat around the bush to try and scare animals out, but what you needed to to do it right was beat the ACTUAL bush, even though it was kinda dangerous for the beaters (The people who did the bush-beating) – to do, because it might dislodge an animal who was very angry at the person beating their house. So, beating around the bush meant putting off the necessary job of beating the actual bush.
I hardly know what to say here…. except that your experience this morning is exactly why I always carry tissues in my purse.
That’s Bush League, Dave! Always check the roll first.
I carry tissues in my purse, but before I started that I’d ask the other person for some tp.
ahhahahh… i am so sorry.. waddling..
u surprise me Dave, never thought you would be self conscious about the brown trout!!!
if your jobs like mine they only have 1 ply toilet paper…we like to call it “John Wayne Paper” at the office because “Its Rough and Tough and dosent take shit off anybody lol…maybe thats why he stole your roll…
I had a shiteous experience today too.. this was funny.. But I dont laugh AT you, I laugh with you.
You are so funny! This post was a riot!
If you move on from this site, I swear I will send you hate mail.Every. Day.~V
Lmao. I don’t normally leave short, pointless comments, but I laughed so hard I felt like I had to let you know.
Be thankful the guy had lots of toilet paper and didn’t have to drag his ass across the floor like a dog. hahahahahahahahaha