I Miss Porn

Over the weekend, I was rummaging through some old stuff in the garage when I came across a blank VHS tape. There were no markings on the tape, but I was almost certain what was on it. It was some of my old porn!

Almost immediately a wave of nostalgia crashed over me. I realized how much I miss porn. Today it just isn’t the same as it used to be. The internet has ruined everything!

The first way that internet has ruined porn is by making it so accessible. Everything is just a mouse click away now. No one has to know your business. You can look at any perverted disgusting thing you want and no one is the wiser. This has spoiled us. I miss having to be resourceful.

I remember how hard it was when I was a kid. My most common source of porn when I was little was scrambled cable. With the old school cable boxes when you changed to a pay per view channel you could see more or less what was going on for a brief second. Thus I would repeatedly press channel 63 (That used to be the Spice Channel) to get little glimpses of what was going on. To this day I still think scrambled porn was the best. It left so much to the imagination. You’d be sitting there unsure of what you were looking at. Then for a moment things would be clear and you’d be super excited just to see one boob. It got no better.

scrambled porn
Is that a nipple I see? Ahh scrambled porn, how I miss thee! 
(Hey I made a rhyme!)

Sometimes while trying to see some scrambled porn I would “accidentally” press the AUTH button on the remote. That is the button that actually buys the movie. This was immediately followed by a brief period of panic. It would be like, “Oh shit! What am I gonna do?”. Then two seconds later I would just say, “Ahh well, what’s done is done. May as well enjoy this. The bill won’t be here for another month anyway.” No sense worrying about something today that I am going to get my ass whooped for tomorrow.

As I got older I found new ways of acquiring porn. My friends at school started to bring theirs in from home. We would have little huddled meetings at lunch where we all marveled at the stash du jour. Then we would make appointments for when we would get to borrow it. We would have the date marked down on our calendar, like it was a date with a real person. In retrospect, that was pretty gross.

Once I got to be about fourteen or fifteen years old, I found that there were certain stores that would let me buy porn. I would have to test these places out by inching over to the section where they had their little bit of porn. I can still remember the first time I was bold enough to actually take something to the register. The first time I purchased a porno was a real proud moment for me. The movie I bought was called Dripping With Desire. I cannot remember the name of the place where I met my girlfriend (neither can she), but I remember the name of that movie clearly.

Dripping
Hello old friend.

Remembering that movie was such a fond memory that I decided to download it over the weekend. I was so excited when the download completed. It was like seeing an old friend. “Long time no see! How the hell have you been?” I didn’t even do anything while watching it. I just smiled and reminisced about other times I had done stuff to it. Good times!

And on that sentimental note, I will end this for today. I had more thoughts on this than I anticipated. I think I’ll make this a two parter.

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50 comments

  1. I remember being a curious girl about the scrambled porn. My girlfriends and I huddled around the TV at late night slumber parties. Hell, we watched the naked scene from “Interview with a Vampire” a hundred times one night. Kinda fuckered up now that I think about it…we were just curious about all the ‘hair-down-there’.Why didn’t your TV have a code to enter? I find that odd…we always had an access code.

  2. I still remember watching Deep Throat through a living room window at my friends Dads house and her brother catching us peeking in on him watching it and throwing open the curtains with what seemed like a huge hard on at the time.. I must have been like 8 or 9. 

  3. In grade school, some friends would chill with my cousin and me and we’d just watch porn. One dumb ass day, we forgot my uncle was taping a horse race and, of course, we switched the channels.

  4. Oh scrambled tv channels, how I remember thee! (not porn channels of course…just random movie pay-per views and stuff. I would try to guess what movie was playing lol). Now a days, if you don’t have the channel it’s just a blank screen. Not as amusing.What is amusing, though, is that this blog reminded me of my first glimpse of porn. Behind my parents house, before they built more houses/subdivisions, there was a huge overgrown empty field, and someone had tried to build a tree house in an old tree out there. One day, when I was about 7 or 8 years old, my friend’s older sister went out there and found a stash of dirty magazines and brought one back for us to look at. From what I can recall, It contained lots of pictures of women sucking cock. For some reason, it didn’t really gross me out at all LOL! After we had a quick look-through, she put it back in the treehouse and nobody ever said a word. I still wonder who that stash belonged to though!

  5. My first experience with porn was being at a friend’s house and she showed me her parents’ stash of  magazines and videos.  She put a video in and I was really freaked out.  I was certain  that I would never ever have sex.   These days porn is much  more appealing to me.  As is sex.

  6. LOL I liked this post..I remember when porn was scrambled on TV. Were you young enough to remember that old Cable TV channel called “WHT”? I remember seeing my dad sneak his way to see it at like 12 am because thats when the porn movies would start.As I got older, I remember seeing Cinemax soft porn flicks (or “Skinemax” as we used to call it). I totally agree that porn is so easily accessble now – its kinda no fun looking at it because its so pervasive..to the point that regular Disney movies seem highly oversexed (ie Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana skimpy outfits and poses).

  7. You so right! Porn was always so forbidden . . . for perves . . . everything was wrapped in innocent, appropriate wrappers – and it was so difficult ‘cuz “respectable” people wouldn’t be caught dead in the stores that sold it. HA! This was a really funny post.

  8. haha thats funny.  i also used to watch scrambled porn. our porn histories are to similar.  my buddies would bring in their dads penthouse and playboys and we would all pass them around. 

  9. I know many men that remember watching scrambled porn fondly. I don’t hear from any younger ones having any fond memories of their first glimpses of porn because of the internet.My first purchase of porn was in university. I bought a Playboy and a Playgirl for a sociology project. The cashier gave me a weird look because I was buying both. I do remember it was the Scott Bakula issue of Playgirl. How’s that for a mental image for ya?!

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