Your Chance to be Insulted by a Standup Comic!

I had one of those nights last night. Just messed up in every regard. So messed up that there was no way in hell that it wasn’t going to carry over into today. Consequently, I am having one of those days.

I feel like the world is crashing down on my shoulders right now. Just when I thought I had things figured out in my life, for at least a solid five minutes, everything gets tossed around like shit in a monkey cage.

Now I am stuck at work and fucking miserable, and everything is getting on my last nerve. Everytime someone speaks I just want to smack them. No good reason for it, I just really want to smack someone. I find myself wishing I could just go to some empty field somewhere and scream as loud as I can for as long as I need.

But being that I live in New York, and that I am at work right now, I have no empty field. However, I do have xanga. So here is how you can help me out guys. Be my punching bag.

I am offering you guys an opportunity here. A chance to get insulted by a genuine New York City standup comedian. Some of you will never have another chance like this again. So here is what I need.

Leave any comment on this blog and I will reply with an insult. Seriously, you could just say “hi”. 

Don’t worry I won’t go for the jugular (well at least not for most of you). I hope you all put on your thick skin today, cause I could really use this therapy today.

Note: Also this post could really help balance out all the cuteness going on around here this week. Balance is important!

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126 comments

  1. It okay. You do anything to relieve the pain. (JUst don’t expect me to respond.)I am sorry you are having such a bad day. I hope that you will find relief somehow. Maybe you can find that field. Go out there and scream, or not scream either way.

  2. (I’m sorry things are sucky right now… Go ahead and punch, I promise I won’t cry.)In case you need a little instigation to get you going…What, you think you’re some kind of funny guy or something? Like you got it all together? Like you’re God’s gift to Xanga?!  ( That oughta do it)~V

  3. It’s Ok take it out on us. You make us smile often enough we can handle an insult now and then…..  So far only one xangan insults me on a regular basis so lets see if you can top him.

  4. I feel rotten today and I have to start getting all my mom’s stuff gathered and packed to take her home. Being your punching bag will probably actually make me feel better.

  5. @TheTheologiansCafe – How ugly does a dude have to be where a wrinkly old man in a chair is an upgrade in the sexy profile pic department?@C0ll33Ncorps – You remind me of a skunk. You smell like shit and no one wants to be near you.@mixedbabiesrock – You know you would have ended up going home with him if Matt and I hadn’t been there. I saw how jealous you were when he rubbed up and Matt. You have poor taste in men <—insult.@sweetlovinlife – Thanks for being so nice to me there dumbass. How am I supposed to insult you now after that? Real considerate of you! (oh wait, I think that’ll do.)@mustardcat – Sometimes I have a real hard time figuring out why xanga still has the reputation of being a place for silly children. Then I see a screen name like yours.@TheMarriedFreshman – So how long have you been a freshman now? Three, four years? Looks like someone rides the short bus to school.

  6. @onlyjustbegun – Hmm. An Asian girl on xanga. How original of you.@echois23 –  You know that feeling you get in your stomach when you feel like you have to vomit, but the vomit won’t come? Then you are sitting there for like ten minutes not sure if you are going to vomit or take a huge dump. That is the feeling I get every time I visit your page.@edlives – If I have to hear you say “my brain is fried” one more freaking time then my brains will be splattered all over my computer screen… because I will shoot myself.@saintvi – Oh so you thirive off of abuse? Figures. Even though you are one of the wiser women on here, you are still just a woman.@flashbulb100w – Your armor? What the fuck do you think this is, Dungeons and Dragons? You don’t play Dungeons and Dragons do you? Cause then I’d just be obligated to hate you.

  7. @Kestryl – First I have to insult you – Hey everybody. Kestryl, is without a doubt, the cutest little cuddly teddy bear of a xangan out there. Now with that out of the way, I figured this might be right up your alley. Maybe I’ll even let you insult a few people for me.@NikBv – Well if we are going to be talking about mothers, i should point out what an EPIC failure your mother is. She did, after all, give birth to you.@ModernBunny – I honestly don’t think anything I could say to you would make much of a dent. So instead, I would suggest that you go find a mirror if you really want to be offended. 

  8. @meanii – You are an annoying ugly fat stupid silly little girl. And your breath probably stinks. (Had to add something of my own.)@Dare2BDiferentt – Not even close yet. I’d feel much better if you changed your screen name to Safe2BOrdinary. That would be grrrreat!@SimplyNita – Hey this is not a pity party damnit! Now shutup and make me some lunch woman!

  9. Only punk here is you dude! New York? New York should be renamed  to Punk City! I’ll use you for fish bait…no wait, the fish would be laughing so hard they would forget to bite you. There, I left myself wide open for all of your friends. Let it rip folks, it won’t bother me in the least, not after all I’ve put up with lately. Oh, and crap in a Monkey’s cage and NOTHIN like walking down the hall of a rehab/nursing home where your mother in law is staying and half the patients just crapped all over themselves. PUKE City there man!

  10. @PaytonFamily – I am not even going to make a lewd sexual retort to that statement you just made, because frankly you are just too easy. Easy in this case meaning skanky.@iStephanieMarie – You boned Harland Williams? Eeeew Steph! That’s not even funny, that’s just gross!@shatterFocus – You are stupid sack of stool! (That also rolls off the tongue.)@UnworthyofHisgrace – List of things that you are unworthy of: His grace, New York City, addressing me directly, the term “human being”, being saved before anyone else in case of a fire, oxygen… I’ll just stop there to save time.

  11. This sounds like a real opportunity. I’m up for a little fun. What would you say if I told you,  “it would take 2 of you to make a decent idiot?”   hahahaha  

  12. @vanedave – If I had a penis I would feel the same way. In fact I would be quite disgusted if she inspired erections in you. She is an 80-something old woman. Even if power is what floats your boat, I wouldn’t choose her… she is largely irrelevant.Come on, you can do better then that.

  13. Well, I have to go work now so I can’t play your games anymore til tonight. How bout you suck it up and do some work for your employer goon, he is paying you right  Hope you feel better about yourself by now…cuz I sure don’t! 

  14. @LostInTheLyrics – a quick song I wrote for you. Sung to the tune of Elton John’s – Your Song”It’s a little bit funny,and you cant deny,when people see your face,they run and they hide.Singing like crap isthe best you can do.My advice to you isto stay in school.And you can tell everybody, Dave did you wrong.I may be quite an asshole but, moving along.I may be unkind, I may be unkind,But please heed my words.No nice way to say this, but your singing makes me hurl.” 

  15. @vanedave – You visit my page?……… LOL I hadn’t noticed….. at least you get cleaned out good that way I suppose…. maybe you should do a commercial? Feeling constipated? Visit Echo’s page………

  16. @dikdoktor – I would say it takes 2 kegs to make you funny.@dlmcniel – look I don’t know how it is in your country, but here we have rules. We don’t just go around tacklling people in the streeets and throwing boomerangs at people. There are laws against that sort of thing.@Kontzicles – You will never again be as fit as you once were. It’s all downhill from here sweetcheeks.

  17. @Paul_Partisan – Paul, you know I don’t like you even if we do see eye to eye sometimes.@josiebunny – Is that the sound your head makes when you think too hard?@StewieIsMyHero – The other day my little cousin turned 1 and had a party. More than half of the party guests could not speak proper English and drooled all over themselves. It was then I thoguht to myself, “now I know what it feels like to be in Texas.”@bamzilicious26 –  *leaves you hanging*@Rob_of_the_Sky –  Oh Rob. How could I possibly insult you more than God already has?@portiajules – haha. I like how she sent you, but didn’t have the courage to comment herself. Just for that I will let you pass without insult. Seeing Bob Saget is enough torture for one person.@curtainsopen – Ahh if it isn’t everybody’s favorite jerkoff xangan. Harass any women today Curt? Stalk any soccermamas lately? You sicken me.

  18. @happyworld_ofharibo – Notice I am not even cursing anybody out right? I have been super reserved so far. Keep going though, you may push me over the edge. Friggin tosser. Is that how you spell it? Tosser?@MagicallyDelici0uz – You and your sister are vile, evil temptresses sent from the devil to distract me at work and get me in trouble. Evil I tell you!@jmallory – These nice comments are making this so difficult. You slick motherfucker you.

  19. So what is it Dave?It it because I’m…a. youngerb. femalec. asiand. not a practicing Catholice. 5’2”f. a studentg. Californianh. a treehuggeri. non-smoker/drinkerj. straightk. a stickl. all of the aboveteehee

  20. When I read this about the screaming in an open field it reminded me of Garden State where they visited their friend in a quarry.  Right before they left Zach Braff get’s on an old car and screams.  I can imagine you doing that.  I’m sorry you’re having a shitty day.  I felt like that yesterday when I really wanted to slap my mom.  My train of thought was I wanted to cut her, and I don’t think I’d feel bad. That’s how you feel when you’ve been dealing with a drunk all your life.  Well, I hope things get better for you.  By the way.  How are you doing?  I haven’t talked to you in a minute, kid.-Suzanne

  21. when i feel this way… i think of all the schizos i have met in the last five days… they are really miserable…

  22. @one_eared_batman – How can a comic not insult you? Maybe if they were a blind comic they would have a hard time, but only if you were not talking.@nattata – Oh this is tough. You are always so nice to me. Wait a sec. You are a blonde. Okay, what is the difference between a blond and George Bush?… Nothing. @OhItWontBeForever – ahh. Running out of insults. Must find inspiration. Want to look at your profile pic for insult inspiration, but that would mean actually looking at your profile pic. I’ll pass.@another_rebel_without_a_cause – You sir are more useless and incompetent than the Mets medical staff. @TheRiverIsEverywhere – When did I say I wanted to hear about your sex life? Just thinking about that for a brief second almost made me vomit.@stoneyrocks_socks – Ack. Another nice comment! God I hate you people.@husbandofawife – Did you get that joke off of the back of a Laffy Taffy Wrapper? Geez that was corny!

  23. @ShimmerBodyCream – No matter how small my “weenkie” may be, it is still bigger than your brain.@dlmcniel – Fuck. Why did I get you mixed up with someone from Australia. That would have worked too.@NoelleN – Be quiet.@elelkewljay – You know when you make that list like that I can see how much you have in common with an African American rapper from Queens who is built like a linebacker. Geez your screen name is stupid!@they_call_me_steffyjean – Biotch? Hey steff, 1999 called. They want their word back. (can you tell I am running on empty here?)

  24. @faustuosa – I will not feel better until every single person on this post is insulted! That includes you, ya dumb broad!@beetunes – I imagine “Phat Boi” would be my rapper name if I was one of these stupid ass durrrty South jackasses. Then again, I would never use a term like “Phat Boi” because I, unlike other people, have some damn sense.@jacksoncroons – On behalf of all of xanga, I would just like to personally thank you for choosing a profile picture that does not include your face. If we had more considerate people like you around here, xanga would be a much happier place.@fading_roses19 – Dear Suzanne,Of all the comments that made it difficult to reply with an insult, yours was by far the worst. I am sorry your mother is a drunk and I am glad you empathized with me. There will be better days for both of us, I am sure. Since I would feel like an absolute dick insulting you right now, I will settle for insulting something else.Garden State was a shitty ass movie. -Dave@care@momaroo – This has nothing to do with PMS. PMS is god’s curse to women for being such pains in the asses to men. This is me having a shitty day. Big difference. @mr_faust – As always mr. faust, I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about.@tomakeapoint – I find it real odd that your name is tomakeapoint and yet there never seems to be a point to what you are saying. That would kind of make you a walking oxymoron, or in layman’s terms, simply a moron.@trunthepaige – Paige anyone who has been on xanga for more than a few months knows full well that you have no feelings. You are a black hole of bitchiness and despair.

  25. Alright. Everyone past 100 comments is part of the lightning round. Short and sweet from here on in.@son_of_sparda91 – Stupid Fuck!@Still_groovy – Jackass! @kidzandK9z – Douchebag!@MomoLikesChoco – Fuckin Dumbass!@sweetlovinlife – Shitbag!@CaKaLusa – Dickbreath! (The mini made me laugh though.)@miniate – Bitch ass motherfucker! (You had the full body armor. I figured I could use that one on you) @TheSilentRapture – Skank ass ho! (Yeah it actually helped alot.)@Descantingevil – Punk Bitch! (Call me a horse’s ass damnit) @amygwen – And I’ll end with something childish for you Amy. You stupid doodyhead.

  26. @vanedave – man, you are so cool… today, i will make my point, i hope that you will hear the audio and read my words and collectively understand the point that i have been building up to!!!!! if you haven’t already understood it!

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