There are days when I wake up and I say to myself, “Crap! I am right where I was yesterday!” I mean it’s not that where I was yesterday is so bad, it’s just that I was there yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. When is that next space gonna open up already?
I feel like I’ve been in a holding pattern for a long time now. I can see so many steps ahead of me, but I’m just not quite ready to take them yet. I have had many people preach patience to me, and trust me, I understand how necessary it is. At the same time, I just can’t shake the feeling of being anxious to take my life off of hold.
I am beginning to feel the need for more. I’ve always wanted more, but now I NEED IT. How to go about getting more is the problem. Do I go back to school? Do I really need more loans in my life? Do I get a second job? Is that even possible in this job market?
Then there is the whole question of my stand-up comedy “career”. I put “career” in quotations because it has been anything but a career to this point. It has cost me way more money than it has earned me so far. I started out doing it because I wanted to have fun with it. I said to myself that I would do it until it was no longer fun. I still have fun with it, but I must admit that I am coming to a point where I can no longer afford to do it just as a novelty. These motherfuckers are gonna have to start paying my ass.
I have not been in the business all that long, but I am quickly becoming bitter. The amount of sheer shit comedy that I (and my poor girlfriend) have been subjected to has been mind boggling. I sit in the clubs sometimes and just shake my head in bewilderment. “How is this guy still doing comedy? Hasn’t anyone told him he sucks?” I can’t even watch Premium Blend on Comedy Central anymore. I watch and wonder who the hell they had to sleep with to get where they’re at? Point them out to me, I’ll sleep with them! It honestly pains me that some of those people are on TV.
I have been lucky enough to find a woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know this. I’ve known this for at least two years now. On top of this, I even know she feels the same way. Next step is to get married, no? Yep. After we figure out our housing situation, which is on hold right now. See we live in New York, which is a great city to live in, but also expensive as hell. Not to mention the fact that the housing market is a damn mess. There are programs to help first time home owners, but the salary guidelines are ridiculous. We are in that class where we are making too much money to qualify for anything, but to little money to qualify for a decent loan.
So the plan right now is to save. For how long, we don’t know. We wait and see how the market recovers, if it ever does. We wait and try to keep budgeting, and hoping for some kind of break. I occasionally look at listings outside of New York just to torture myself. 150,000 for a four bedroom house? That sounds nice. If only we could do that. We would buy that house, get married, and get along with life.
But instead, I wait. That is my struggle.