Dave’s New School Year Address

This week, young people all over the country are heading back to school. Parents who have been forced to watch Nickelodeon, or Noggin, or whatever other crap keeps their kids’ attention will kick back and enjoy their quiet empty houses. Janitors will once again remember why they hate their lives. Students and teachers will start marking the days till Christmas vacation.

Often times it seems as though that is all we are doing as parents, students, and educators. Counting down. Counting down the days till the next vacation. Counting down the days till the next grading cycle. Counting down the hours till it’s time to pack up and go home. We spend so much time looking at a clock, or a calendar, that we forget what’s going on in the here and now. Essentially, we are on auto-pilot. A fitting environment to raise our children in, seeing as how so many people out in the working world seem to be on auto-pilot as well.

If we are to break this cycle it has to start with our children. It has to start in our schools and in our homes. It has to start right now, at the outset of this brand new school year.

Each year it seems as though things get worse and worse. Test scores are going down, schools are getting more crowded, and every country in the world is getting smarter while we are getting dumber. More importantly than all that though (at least to me), is that every year kids seem to get shittier and shittier.

What a little angel. You know, Satan was an angel too. 

They are rude, ill-mannered, mean, nasty little assholes. Before we even talk about trying to teach them things like math or science, we need to teach our kids how to be human beings again. We need to fight against this shittiness if we are to have any hope in the future. 

This is a huge task and it’s going to take alot of work on everyone’s part to make a difference. As the saying goes, it takes a village. Here are a few ways we can start:

Parents: Stop letting TV raise your kids. There are bad things on TV, like BET, The Hills, and Hannah Montana. I know they are shitty little kids because of the years of neglect you have put them through, but damnit they are YOUR shitty ass kids. Spend some time with them for Pete’s sake!

This is who has been raising your kids! 

Teachers: Stop fucking your students. Pretty simple.

Girls: Stop trying to be fucking video hoes. There is no damn future in it. Try being a lady for a change. Do you know where those rappers go when they need some hoes for their video? They go to the damn strip club! Not to a modeling agencey, to a damn strip club! Besides, what do you want to be a ho for anyways. It may get you some attention here and there, but nobody loves a ho (see Hilton, Paris). Everybody knows you ain’t supposed to love these hoes out here.

Boys: Stop trying to be little gangsters out there. Here is a newsflash; about .05%  of you who think you are tough, actually are. Quit trying to be some shit that you aren’t. Besides, take a look at the economy. Take a look at the job market. I know this is something you’ve never considered before, but being gangsta is not a very marketable skill. Being gangsta is not going to get you a job with benefits. Just sayin. 

gangsta kids
Just knowing that these two exist in the world depresses me. 

Boys: One more thing, wear some damn normal pants. Everything is either hanging way off your ass, or hugging your nutsack. Find a happy medium please!

President Obama: Make it legal for us to beat other people’s kids. PLEASE! Look, we all know that there are some real shitty parents out there. As a result, some of these kids out here are just running around unchecked. We should be able to go upside their heads if their parents won’t. Come on, there is a precedent for this. That is how it was back in the day. Just think about it.

There is so much more to do, but consider this all a starting point. A first step for all of us on the road to recovery. We can do this people. Good luck this year!



  1. Kids are pretty shitty these days. I just hope my niece doesn’t become one of them; I think she’s on the right track so far. I second the motion to beat other peoples’ kids! Just a little love tap…

  2. If only you ruled the world!”Stop trying to be fucking video hoes. There is no damn future in it. Try being a lady for a change.” I really liked that part. In fact, I liked the whole part about girls. And the one about boys. Actually, I liked the whole post.You’ve made good points. It sucks the world is going down. And that picture of the boys looks all too familiar. I know a girl whose younger sister added me on Facebook. The kid is 11 years old and her pictures were shocking to me. And, like you said, just seeing that depressed me. That’s the reason I left Facebook.

  3. I am actually going to apply to be a substitute teacher, and to be quite frankly honest, I am a little scared. Kids are mean, and are way bigger than I am. Now I understand why subs in school always ruled with an iron fist- they had to. 

  4. I can see it now. *cue President Obama impersonation*”Ladies and gentlemen…I believe…that…other people…should be able…to beat the crap out of your disruptive kids.”  *standing ovation*And just an FYI, the kids act like animals beacause they are taught they’re animals!!! Just saying…

  5. You know what the sad thing is? The people you intended to address can’t read/use a computer to save their lives. I’m in “skewel” right now, bored as ever, but I feel so out of place. Since when is being a “gangsta” even cool? Kids these days. -_-

  6. What a little angel. You know, Satan was an angel too.”My favorite part of this entire post. I cracked up so hard my roommates came to see what the heck was wrong with me =D I really love you for that.

  7. “What a little angel. You know, Satan was an angel too.”*suppresses laughter so as to not wake napping roomie**fails and bursts into laughter*Anyway. If nothing else, President Obama, see if you can push through the idea about mandating pants to be worn at the waistline…I do remember hearing that, and that alone had my approval for the longest time.*starts laughing again*

  8. Adults. Please get involved and be part of the positive community we can create for our children. Stop hating them. Stop blaming everyone else and do something about it.   It’s a serious problem, but complaining about it doesn’t make things better.  I know the names of the kids in my neighborhood because I walk up to them, extend my hand and ask their names. I live in a multi cultural neighborhood.  There’s $700,000 homes build next to run down homes. You can’t help them be better people until you know them a bit better.  I have conversations with these kids.  I introduce myself to their parents when I can find them. I volunteer in the classrooms.  I know them well enough to call them on behavior issues after a while.  Make friends with folks who have children. Be an example of the adults you want them to be. Step out of the dark and into the reinvention of community. Good luck.  It’s tough out there, but I bet you can step up to the plate and not have to hit some kid to tell them in a positive tone, that they could make a different choice than the behavior you see.  Familarity and involvement makes a big difference.  Why are you still reading this?  Get on out there!

  9. When I was in school I thought it was bad.  Now, looking back on it… i worked with HS kids and I fucking hated it. They’re so cocky and they think the world revolves around them.  I did too, at one point. I just hope and fucking pray none of my nieces or nephews grow up like the example above.  How did you grow up?  Was it like kids now, or vastly different?

  10. I really almost beat the shit out of this lady at the dr yesterday who kept telling her kid what to do and he kept doing exactly the opposite and all she would do is yell louder at him.. I wanted to kick her ass SO bad.

  11. Dude, you are so getting my vote if you ever run for President!  If Obama could make it legal for teachers to smack these kids, I would forgive him everything!  This is awesome!

  12. Being a teacher, I can respect your opinion. I’m only a substitute… but that gives me a wide range of experiences.. I work with children of all ages in my area, and things are SO not what they used to be (haha…). My favorite part was when you said teachers should stop fucking their students..  my first xanga post (this time around) was about teachers and students falling in love.   I took the side supporting in (in some cases)… but that doesn’t mean I’ve done it (plese don’t get me wrong there..).

  13. Careful… there’s a guy in jail here in Georgia for smacking a two-year old that was crying in the Wal-Mart store NorthEast of Atlanta. Apparently, it wasn’t HIS two-year old; and they called the police. (Rightfully so, it was a TWO year old!)I tend to agree with you on the shittiness of children these days–just WAIT until you have kids of your own and you have to deal with all the little crapheads and their craphead parents! We’re learning the nuances of diva-mean-girl drama with high school volleyball right now… oh, joy! OH, and do I get credit for contributing to society by NOT letting my two kids act like that?!?

  14. Bravo!  You know, parents let the TV do the raising except when Obama had his speech on Tuesday. I saw kids in my neighborhood that were kept home from school that day. Makes me want to put a giant billboard supporting Obama on my front lawn.

  15. Oh, so funny and so true!  As a teacher, I will not take offense.  I do care and do my best but, by the time I get them, I just hope I can still do some good.  I do have a little leeway to smack some of them!  I’m in adult education, though most of mine have been 17-23.  A few of them have been beaten or abused too much but, I totally agree (recall mrsprosa and the pinching) that we can barely touch our own kids, let alone other kids.  Some of them could use a good smack once in a while.  I make them pull up their pants and correct swearing and other bad manners.  I bake birthday cakes because some of them won’t get one otherwise.  I counsel, plead, teach, harrass, coax, provide rides and sometimes food, text, call, tease, hug, smack, and massage away headaches.  I get paid very little here but, I love what I do and the rewards of seeing them succeed are wonderful, especially when they don’t have supportive families and/or have struggled through a lot.  We still get the ones that think the world owes them everything and don’t really like it when I won’t just “give” them a grade or an easier class.  We get those on probation that usually don’t want to be here but, the court tells them to be here.  That’s a lot of fun.  A few make the best of it and get their lives on a better track.

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