Comedy

Happy a s a Pig in…

I was at BBQ recently at a coworker’s house where the host did a pig roast. It was awesome. The skin was crispy, the meat was tender, everything was seasoned just right. As I sat down with my plate full of pig, I looked around at everyone at my table and they all looked so happy. That is, everyone except for one girl who looked absolutely disgusted. Amongst all the smiling delighted faces, her repugnant scowl stood out like a sore thumb. As I watched in slow motion I could see her begin to open her mouth. I could tell she was about to ruin everything, but I couldn’t get to her in time to stop it. It was like that scene in Bronx Tale when Calogero sees the dude who is about to whack Sonny at the party.

Yes, this is an appropriately dramatic comparison.

As we all sat enjoying our roast swine, this one party assassin opens her stupid face and asks us all, “How could you eat that?” She then gave us the standard uptight asshole “Pig is a filthy animal and here are all the reasons why” speech. At that exact moment, I wished I was a woman so it would be okay for me to punch her in the face.  You could see everyone at the table just die a little inside. Its not necessarily that she was going to convince any of us that what we were doing was bad, it was just the fact that she felt like it was okay for her to pull this shit at a fucking BBQ. Especially a BBQ with a PIG ROAST AS THE MAIN ATTRACTION!!!

(Here’s some more exclamation points to drive home that last point – !!!!!!!)

In the right setting I don’t mind being educated on the merits of healthy eating. I don’t mind if someone who cares about me tells me why I should eat kale or why I shouldn’t eat Taco Bell. In general I know what to stay away from or what I should be eating in moderation. To a certain degree I think we all know what we should and shouldn’t be eating. That doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy ignoring the rules every once in a while. The last thing we all want when we choose to indulge in a pint of iced cream, or a combo meal at our favorite fast food joint, or a full plate of roast hog, is some jerk there pointing out all the reasons why we are going to regret our decision later. Okay, I get it. You read a book. Good for you! I don’t want to know what you saw on Dr. Oz. I don’t care at what age your cousin had a heart attack. That’s very nice that you feel the best you’ve ever felt. I don’t want to know any of that right now. All I care about in this moment is this pig. The guy in the Matrix had the right idea…

“Ignorance is bliss.”

The Downside to the Moral High Ground

Former Indianapolis Colts head coach, Tony Dungy, was in the news this week for saying that he wouldn’t have drafted Michael Sam if it  were up to him. Dungy basically said that Sam deserves the opportunity to play in the NFL, but he wouldn’t want to deal with “all of that”. Most people assumed “all of that” is meant to mean all of the extra media attention and distractions caused by Michael Sam being the first openly gay player in the NFL. Me, I’m not so sure.

At first glance, this seems to be a pretty harmless statement by Dungy, but there are a few things that make it pretty bad. First off, Dungy is African American. It seems pretty short sighted of him to make a statement like that considering all that he must have gone through as a player back in the day and as a black coach trying to get a job. So I guess Tony would have been one of those baseball GMs back in the day that would have passed on Jackie Robinson?


Alright Jackie, back to the Negro Leagues with you, I don’t want to cause a stir.

Even more hypocritical is the fact that a few years back Dungy was the biggest advocate for getting Michael Vick back into the NFL after he served his prison sentence for dog fighting. THAT WAS THE BIGGEST MEDIA CIRCUS IN THE HISTORY OF THE LEAGUE!!! So if someone tortures a bunch of animals Dungy is alright with championing their cause, but if they like dudes he suddenly wants to mind his business? Makes sense. Jesus never specifically spoke out on dogfighting in the bible. We all know how he feels about the gays.


Here’s Jesus stopping his disciples from going into a gay night club.

The problem with taking the moral high ground is that it sets you up for a big fall if you are not genuinely moral. The moral high ground is not a place that’s designed for you to look down on people from. Once you’ve put yourself in a position where you are telling people the right and wrong things to do, they are going to expect you to do the right thing too. “Do as I say, not as I do” has never been the most popular rhetoric in most circles.

Really, the simplest way to sum up Dungy’s comments is to day that they were dumb. Oh, what’s that? You agree with Dungy? Well you are dumb too. Hiding behind the veil of righteousness does not make it less dumb.  Most times when you start off a statement with “I’m not saying” it means you are going to say exactly the thing you are claiming not to say.

“I’m not saying all religious zealots are dumb, but man they sure aren’t smart.”

Reminds of my boy Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights


“What? I said, ALL DUE RESPECT!!!”

MEGA MILLIONS!!!


I’M RICH BIATCH!!!

What would you do if you won the mega millions? Would you be an asshole about it? Would you be kind and generous? We don’t want to know those corny cliche answeres. We want the truth, damnit!

Winning the Mega Millions…

Tonight at 10 PM
Call in live at: 858-815-2314

We are also sneaking some playoff basketball talk in!

Jersey Shore is Done!

You had your routine all set:

Every Thursday at 10 PM, you turn on your TV and immerse yourself in the complete and utter tomfoolery that is Jersey Shore. (Yep. I said “tomfoolery”. I’m bringing it back!) You do it because somewhere deep inside of you, you have become accustomed to the idiocy. It may have started off with the Real World, or maybe Flavor of Love, or maybe even Fox and Friends, but now you’ve come to depend on the Shore for your fix.

Jersey Shore Season 3
You have a disease. I am not judging you.

Now that Jersey Shore is over, where are you going to turn for your weekly supply of stupid? Where will your brain cells now go to die a slow, methodical death? Before you go searching through MTV’s programming schedule, might I make a suggestion?

There is a show, which comes on at the same convenient 10 PM time slot. A show which, if given the chance, can be a fairly steady source of wtf moments and ridiculous antics. For example, here are some of the stupid things you can look forward to on tonight’s show:

– Dave and Alex figure out if their taste in music is gay.
– Can you catch the gay? Our in depth (not literally) research is revealed.
– Tonight’s guests include a black standup comic from Wisconsin (I didn’t even know they had black people) and a dude who wants people to pay him to chop his penis off.

That last part was totally serious.

So join me and my cast of merry fools tonight for another episode of NYComedyUnderground radio. It’s fun and it’s free.

Listen online: That’s Kinda Gay

Call in live: 858-815-2314

Ship of Fools

Join me tonight at 10 PM ET, for another thrilling episode of NYComedyUnderground Radio. My guests tonight include comedians Brian Baron, and Brett Eidman. We will be celebrating stupidity on the Eve of the most ridiculous day of the year (aside from Valentine’s Day, of course.)

Date / Time: 3/31/2011 10:00 PM

Category: Comedy

Call-in Number: (858) 815-2314

Join us for a pre April Fool’s day celebration of stupidity. We’ve got stupid news, we’ve got stupid stories, and of course we’ve got stupid people. (Not naming any names.)

The Best Show Yet!

I love it when something comes together exactly as you planned it. Yesterday was one of those times.

Last night’s show on strip club etiquette was by far the best show we’ve done so far. It was fun, we had great guests, and on top of everything else, it was educational. It actually went even better than I had hoped for.

Let me give you a quick recap:

10:00 – The show started off on a musical note. Alex (my co-host for the night) and I discussed some of the best songs for stripping and fielded some suggestions from twitter and facebook. Our choices included Low by Flo Rida, The Whisper Song by The Ying Yang Twins, and Doo Doo Brown by Uncle Luke.

10:10 – Our first guest was a female exotic dancer by the name of Bianca. Alex expressed his great appreciation for her work and we both took turns asking her questions about her craft. Among other things, we learned that it is okay to get aroused while getting a lap dance, and the best ways to tip your dancers at the club.

10:25 – We opened up the lines to callers who had questions for Bianca and discussed more basic rules of strip club etiquette. We also touched on important factors such as strip club food and strip club ATMs.

10:35 – Our second guest was just as much fun as the first. A male dancer by the name of Anthony joined us and shared some of his experiences in the exotic entertainment parties. We explored the topics of sex crazed old women, male strippers being gay, and what Anthony does when a guy wants to tip him at a party.

10:45 – Some of our lady listeners called in with some very interesting questions for Anthony. My favorite being, “Do you ever put your penis on women’s foreheads?” 

10:55 – I shared the story of Queen LaQueefa with my guests and listeners. We all had a great laugh as I told tales of her unique talents.

I encourage you all to have a listen when you have a chance. You can listen to archived shows via the website at any time. Here are the links. (I am also posting the player on this page.)

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