Dumbasses

Basket of Dismissables

Racists.

Bigots.

Misogynists.

These are the uneducated idiots who made it possible for the unthinkable to happen. These are the people who elected Donald Trump to the highest office in this so-called greatest country on earth.

(Here is the part where all of the short tempered assholes jump off this blog. Fine. This isn’t really for you anyway.)

Now let me tell you what I really think.

While there is absolutely no doubt that the prejudice and hate that plagues this country played a role in what transpired this election day, the bigger issue is how those of us who staked our claim to the moral high ground by siding with “Her” dismissed those who didn’t by labeling them racists, bigots, misogynists, or just generally less intelligent and uninformed. This attitude was crystallized in what I believe was the turning point of the entire election, when Hilary Clinton referred to half of Trump’s supporters as a “basket of deplorables”.

I was deeply disappointed when this news came out. It was at a time in the election when all of the momentum was shifted her way. She was coming off of a successful Democratic National Convention where Bernie Sanders and the Obamas helped unite the party behind her, after a disastrous Republican National Convention which was highlighted by Melania Trump’s plagiarized speech and Ted Cruz’s controversial non-endorsement for Trump. This was followed by a period of party in-fighting where Trump was at odds with everyone from John McCain to Paul Ryan. By mid-August things were so bad for Trump and his camp that Paul Manafort, his second campaign manager, resigned and was replaced by Kellyanne Conway two and a half months before election day. At the time, most opinion polls had Hillary ahead by double digits.

It was expected at the time that Hillary would take this momentum, kick the shit out of Donald in the presidential debates (if he even decided to show up!) and then ride on to one of the biggest landslide victories in history. Sounded legit. I mean she was the most qualified candidate ever to run and he was a dude who is in the WWE Hall of Fame. HOW COULD SHE FUCK THIS UP???!!!!

wwe-hall-of-fame-class-of-2013

Feast your eyes on my new Facebook profile pic.

Well here’s how. You start by ignoring the fact that there were people who were disgusted enough with the status quo that they decided to elect Donald Trump as the Republican nominee. That alone should have home the point that people were not fucking around when they said they were disgusted with Washington. Then, on top of that, you fuel the idea that you are some elitist New York insider who doesn’t give two shits what Jimbos and Ellie Maes of the country have to say or what they care about by saying that they are all  “deplorables”. Yes, I know she said half, but it is absolutely no different than when Donald Trump says many of the Mexicans coming across the border are drug dealers and rapists. Trump didn’t say all Mexicans are criminals, just like she only said half of Trump supporters are pieces of shit, but chances are if Hillary were to meet Jimbo or Ellie Mae they are going to be thinking this lady thinks I am a fucking deplorable. FUCK HER!!!

To be clear, I am not saying she did not deserve to be president because of this misstep. Again, she was maybe the most qualified candidate to ever run for office. She also may have proven to be one of the cockiest candidates ever (her and those in her camp). There was almost this attitude that it was Hillary’s destiny to win this election. Like it was some self fulfilling prophecy.

She had worked her whole life to get here.

She had learned to be more likable.

The country had shown by electing Barack Obama twice that they were open to trying new things. We were finally ready for our first woman president! It wasn’t a matter of IF SHE WOULD WIN, it was a question of HOW MUCH SHE WOULD WIN BY!

hillary-history

Yeah, that is one way of looking at it. 

Hillary and her camp never really considered losing as a truly possible outcome. They never took Donald Trump as a serious threat. He was a joke. Hillary had the backing of every living president, prominent Republicans, and major celebrities of every kind. Trump had Scott Baio. This was never supposed to be a contest. This was just all the shit Hillary had to do before she became president.

Remember when Buster Douglas beat Mike Tyson?

When the USA beat Russia in the Miracle on Ice?

When Jennifer Hudson lost on American Idol?

Bad things happen when you take your opponent for granted. All Hillary’s camp had to do was listen to any pregame speech of any NFL coach preparing his team to face the Cleveland Browns to hear things like, “you never take your opponent for granted”,  “wins are not just handed to you”, and other such cliches. Because she violated these sacred rules, we just witnessed the electoral equivalent of Hillary losing to the Cleveland Browns.

Once you really wrap your head around how this happened, I believe it makes it just the slightest bit easier to move forward. What happened already happened. If you feel the need to protest to show your disgust, fine. If you really want to move to Canada, more power to you. But for those of us who are staying all I ask is one thing.

Find a way to make peace with this so we can all move on.

No one is saying you should not be angry or disappointed. There is a difference between complacency and acceptance. An alcoholic knows he has a drinking problem and keeps on drinking. A recovering alcoholic knows he has a drinking problem and takes steps to address his problem. If this election has shown us all something is that we all have a huge problem on our hands. Just a few weeks ago it was just the Republican party that was in crisis. Democrats everywhere looked down at the fire and laughed smugly. Don’t act like it isn’t true. We loved every minute of it.

Not so funny anymore is it?

Now that we know this is not just a GOP crisis, what do we do to fix things? For one, we all need to stop trying to find the nearest member of the opposing party to blame and concentrate on what it is that we can do better. It starts with listening to one another instead of dismissing each other as idiots the second we hear something that we don’t agree with. Just because someone doesn’t believe in abortion doesn’t mean they might not have some sort of keen insight on the economy. Just because someone for some stupid reason believes we should build a wall doesn’t mean they might not be right about some of our legitimately lax immigration policies. We all need to try harder to understand why these white people all felt desperate enough that they chose to believe in a guy who used to sell steaks at Sharper Image.

trumpsteak1

FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHITE PEOPLE!!!

I will end this with a plea to all my fellow liberal assholes. The time for making fun of the uneducated redneck masses has passed. That group that you are so much smarter than just served you a big ole’ country sized serving of WOKE! Instead of reacting the same exact way all the “racists” did when President Obama did in 2008, how about we try something different? We can all say #notmypresident till we turn blue in the face (Get it? Blue? This thing on?), but that will not change the fact that Donald Trump is f’reals the president. So go ahead, get all the anger out your system (PEACEFULLY!!!) and let’s move on in a smarter, more productive fashion. Let’s not let this happen again in 2020!

kanye-2020

Laugh at your own peril.

Game of Drones (A Purely Original Headline)

This week there were many people who were finally given a reason for hope after months of sadness and uncertainty. They saw their savior arise, destined to restore order to the broken realm.

I’m talking of course about Ted Cruz, champion of the Republican Party.

Jon Snow
Go back to sleep Jon, Ted’s got this. 

The demigod Donald Trump has run roughshod over the GOP in his pursuit of the throne. Like a true American patriot, he has ignored the antiquated rules of engagement and  used tactics as unorthodox as his hair to rise through the ranks. What began as a subtle annoyance to the GOP nobility has since grown into a nigh unstoppable force which threatens to doom us all.

There have been many who have attempted to stand in opposition. At the start of the conflict, the GOP threw out hordes of their “finest” soldiers to vanquish the Donald. No fewer than 16 candidates were thought to be up to the task. Santorum, Fiorina, Jindal, Perry, even Jeb of clan Bush all fell at the feet of the beast. Some fought more valiantly than others, employing several interesting strategies along the way.

Ben the Surgeon appeared to use confusion as his tactic of choice. Not sure if he intended to confuse himself or the rest of us the whole time, but maybe that was his plan all along.

Carson stage

Ben, you stupid genius, you!

Marco the Little attempted to use wit to gain the support of the masses, repeatedly mocking Trump’s small fingers and making ill fated references to his watering gaffe of old lore. A strategy that might have been more successful had Marco possessed a sense of humor… or a personality… or a human, non-robotic brain.

Rubio Water

Classic!

John of Kay-sick? Kay-sitch? or whatever his name is, has used stealth as his weapon. Often times over the past few months we’ve heard whispers of, “Wait, he’s still in this fight?” or “Holy shit, there is another guy in there.” Indeed there was another guy, behaving himself in the shadows, waiting for his opportunity to strike politely.

Kasich

Kasich at a recent debate.

In the end there was only one man seemingly fit enough to pose a real threat to Trump. Inexplicably, that man was the bastard Ted Cruz (not a bastard in the literal sense, just in the sense that he’s a dick). Cruz was never meant to be the hero of this tale. He is generally loathed by most everyone he has ever been in contact with. Think of it this way, if Trump is the Antichrist, the hope was that Cruz could be the anti-Antichrist.

Cruz began his assault with a stirring victory in the battle of the Iowa caucases. He didn’t do much of shit after that, but with every almost victory he grew more and more confident. His task was made simpler when it was made clear that he didn’t even need to completely defeat Trump on his own. He only needed to weaken Trump enough to force him into a showdown in Cleveland, where the GOP were prepared to summon the fabled “Super-Delegates” to finish the job.

Despite the mounting opposition, Trump grew more and more brash, smugly navigating every obstacle set before him. Every time Trump defied the GOP it was a bigger embarrassment. What began as a mild annoyance over Trump had grown into a full fledged hatred (a hatred only surpassed by their hatred for Ted Cruz). Still, despite their disdain for Trump. not many dared to fully cross him. After all, this man could well be their future ruler. Although some were brave enough to cry out how shitty he is in one breath, they also felt compelled to begrudgingly pledge their support for him in the next.

Christie

Yes, Chris the Fat. Gaze upon your future in horror.

It was all up to Ted Cruz to turn things around. He had to put a stop to Trump’s onslaught. He was the GOP’s sad, shitty last hope. (This is when we all say “GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, KASICH IS STILL IN?!!”)  Alas, things did not go as planned. Cruz’s last stand at the battle of Indiana was a disaster.

First leading up to the battle, John Boehner, former Lord Commander of the House of Representatives, came out and publicly stabbed Cruz in the back.

Boehner cruz

FOR THE WATCH!!!

Then in the early stages of the battle, Carly Fiorina, Cruz’s chosen top lieutenant, fell at his side.

Fiorina stage

Like a true pro, Ted didn’t break stride.

Finally, Trump dealt the apparent deathblow, forcing Cruz and what few supporters he had left into apparent surrender.

Cruz suspends

NOOOO! I mean, YESSS! I mean, NOOOO!… I’m so conflicted.

But then at the zero hour, when all seemed to be lost, a fire sparked in Ted Cruz unlike anything we’d ever seen before. Throwing caution to the wind, he unleashed a powerful offensive on Trump. He was no longer holding back.

“utterly amoral,”

“narcissist,”

“serial philanderer”

These were the blows Cruz was now lodging toward Trump. He went on to add that Trump is “a pathological liar. He doesn’t know the difference between truth and lies. He lies practically every word that comes out of his mouth.”

This is the fury the people had been waiting for. This was the conflict we’d waited to witness. Though slain in battle, maybe Cruz could somehow rise up out of the ashes and lead the charge to defeat Trump after all. What a tale  that would turn out to be. A world renowned piece of shit like Cruz, given a chance at redemption, unites the GOP to rise up and renounce Trump and all his evils once and for all. Songs would be sung of his bravery for generations to come!

Unfortunately, Ted Cruz is not the savior that was promised. He is still a just a piece of shit. After all the insults, and the tantrums, and the tirades against Trump, Cruz was asked this simple question.

“Will you support Donald Trump as the Republican nominee?”

After dodging the question a few times Cruz answered,

“You sound like a broken record, someone else have a question?”

Again he was pressed for an answer,

“I don’t understand why you won’t answer the question, Senator. If you think he’s a liar… If you say he’s a pathological liar, and you say that you can’t…”

“You’ve asked one already, Hallie,” Cruz responded angrily. “You’ve asked already.”

And so, with one last act of cowardice, Cruz exited the struggle once and for all.

Lyin ted

Ahh, fuck off with this shit, lyin’ Ted. 

Trump’s domination of the Republican party seems to be complete. Only the Democrats can stop him now. Pray for us all.

 

OH YOU THINK YOU TOUGH??!!!!

There is nothing on earth that gives people balls more than a keyboard and a screen. The most mild mannered of folk can turn into viscous animals when they get on the internet. Whether it be a comment on a youtube video, a forum post, a reply to a blog, or review on yelp, an all out war of words is always just seconds from breaking out. I don’t know what it is that gives people the balls.

Oh wait… yes I do. They are hundreds of miles away and anonymous. That’s right.

I’ve always found internet toughness to be a fascinating subject. Watching trolls in action is sort of like watching kids in a schoolyard during recess. You can always tell the ones who are acting out, the ones who just want attention, the ones who are just doing it because they see others doing it, and of course the ones who need to be separated because they are genuinely fucking crazy!


LEAVE THIS KID ALONE!!!

Since this is such a fun topic, I decided to do a radio show about it. It will be tonight at 10 PM ET and it is going to be awesome. Here’s the link:

DAVE AND ALEX’S RADIO SHOW

To start the discussion I will share with you some of the types of trolls you might encounter on the interwebs. I’ll give you my top three and then you can take it from there:

Dave’s Top Three Internet Troll Breeds

1. The Say Anything to Fuck With You Troll – This troll never really speaks in coherent sentences or words. They will just post total nonsense like “WEEEEEEEEEE!!!” or “My taint itches when it rains.” These are both comments I have received in the past.

2. The Racist/Homophobic at the Drop of a Hat Troll – This troll usually reverts to racism or homophobia the second you question him/her (usually him) on anything.

“I don’t think the Yankees are going to make the playoffs.”
“Yeah you would think that you nigger. Probably like those faggot Mets.”
“Yeah, I’m a Mets fan.”

3. The Post Hijacker Troll – This troll is the worst to me. They will take any chance they get to turn your post into a forum for whatever issue they want to air out at the time. For example, yesterday on facebook my friend posted this cool video of Rhonda Rousey doing judo. I made the comment that Ray Rice should try to mess with her. A rather innocent passing barb. Some asshole after me calls me ignorant, then proceeds to write a ten paragraph rant on men being victims of domestic violence. 

Dick.

Okay, now you go. What type of trolls do you encounter?

Join the discussion tonight at 10 PM ET – here

Happy a s a Pig in…

I was at BBQ recently at a coworker’s house where the host did a pig roast. It was awesome. The skin was crispy, the meat was tender, everything was seasoned just right. As I sat down with my plate full of pig, I looked around at everyone at my table and they all looked so happy. That is, everyone except for one girl who looked absolutely disgusted. Amongst all the smiling delighted faces, her repugnant scowl stood out like a sore thumb. As I watched in slow motion I could see her begin to open her mouth. I could tell she was about to ruin everything, but I couldn’t get to her in time to stop it. It was like that scene in Bronx Tale when Calogero sees the dude who is about to whack Sonny at the party.

Yes, this is an appropriately dramatic comparison.

As we all sat enjoying our roast swine, this one party assassin opens her stupid face and asks us all, “How could you eat that?” She then gave us the standard uptight asshole “Pig is a filthy animal and here are all the reasons why” speech. At that exact moment, I wished I was a woman so it would be okay for me to punch her in the face.  You could see everyone at the table just die a little inside. Its not necessarily that she was going to convince any of us that what we were doing was bad, it was just the fact that she felt like it was okay for her to pull this shit at a fucking BBQ. Especially a BBQ with a PIG ROAST AS THE MAIN ATTRACTION!!!

(Here’s some more exclamation points to drive home that last point – !!!!!!!)

In the right setting I don’t mind being educated on the merits of healthy eating. I don’t mind if someone who cares about me tells me why I should eat kale or why I shouldn’t eat Taco Bell. In general I know what to stay away from or what I should be eating in moderation. To a certain degree I think we all know what we should and shouldn’t be eating. That doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy ignoring the rules every once in a while. The last thing we all want when we choose to indulge in a pint of iced cream, or a combo meal at our favorite fast food joint, or a full plate of roast hog, is some jerk there pointing out all the reasons why we are going to regret our decision later. Okay, I get it. You read a book. Good for you! I don’t want to know what you saw on Dr. Oz. I don’t care at what age your cousin had a heart attack. That’s very nice that you feel the best you’ve ever felt. I don’t want to know any of that right now. All I care about in this moment is this pig. The guy in the Matrix had the right idea…

“Ignorance is bliss.”

Jersey Shore is Done!

You had your routine all set:

Every Thursday at 10 PM, you turn on your TV and immerse yourself in the complete and utter tomfoolery that is Jersey Shore. (Yep. I said “tomfoolery”. I’m bringing it back!) You do it because somewhere deep inside of you, you have become accustomed to the idiocy. It may have started off with the Real World, or maybe Flavor of Love, or maybe even Fox and Friends, but now you’ve come to depend on the Shore for your fix.

Jersey Shore Season 3
You have a disease. I am not judging you.

Now that Jersey Shore is over, where are you going to turn for your weekly supply of stupid? Where will your brain cells now go to die a slow, methodical death? Before you go searching through MTV’s programming schedule, might I make a suggestion?

There is a show, which comes on at the same convenient 10 PM time slot. A show which, if given the chance, can be a fairly steady source of wtf moments and ridiculous antics. For example, here are some of the stupid things you can look forward to on tonight’s show:

– Dave and Alex figure out if their taste in music is gay.
– Can you catch the gay? Our in depth (not literally) research is revealed.
– Tonight’s guests include a black standup comic from Wisconsin (I didn’t even know they had black people) and a dude who wants people to pay him to chop his penis off.

That last part was totally serious.

So join me and my cast of merry fools tonight for another episode of NYComedyUnderground radio. It’s fun and it’s free.

Listen online: That’s Kinda Gay

Call in live: 858-815-2314

Ship of Fools

Join me tonight at 10 PM ET, for another thrilling episode of NYComedyUnderground Radio. My guests tonight include comedians Brian Baron, and Brett Eidman. We will be celebrating stupidity on the Eve of the most ridiculous day of the year (aside from Valentine’s Day, of course.)

Date / Time: 3/31/2011 10:00 PM

Category: Comedy

Call-in Number: (858) 815-2314

Join us for a pre April Fool’s day celebration of stupidity. We’ve got stupid news, we’ve got stupid stories, and of course we’ve got stupid people. (Not naming any names.)