History

Basket of Dismissables

Racists.

Bigots.

Misogynists.

These are the uneducated idiots who made it possible for the unthinkable to happen. These are the people who elected Donald Trump to the highest office in this so-called greatest country on earth.

(Here is the part where all of the short tempered assholes jump off this blog. Fine. This isn’t really for you anyway.)

Now let me tell you what I really think.

While there is absolutely no doubt that the prejudice and hate that plagues this country played a role in what transpired this election day, the bigger issue is how those of us who staked our claim to the moral high ground by siding with “Her” dismissed those who didn’t by labeling them racists, bigots, misogynists, or just generally less intelligent and uninformed. This attitude was crystallized in what I believe was the turning point of the entire election, when Hilary Clinton referred to half of Trump’s supporters as a “basket of deplorables”.

I was deeply disappointed when this news came out. It was at a time in the election when all of the momentum was shifted her way. She was coming off of a successful Democratic National Convention where Bernie Sanders and the Obamas helped unite the party behind her, after a disastrous Republican National Convention which was highlighted by Melania Trump’s plagiarized speech and Ted Cruz’s controversial non-endorsement for Trump. This was followed by a period of party in-fighting where Trump was at odds with everyone from John McCain to Paul Ryan. By mid-August things were so bad for Trump and his camp that Paul Manafort, his second campaign manager, resigned and was replaced by Kellyanne Conway two and a half months before election day. At the time, most opinion polls had Hillary ahead by double digits.

It was expected at the time that Hillary would take this momentum, kick the shit out of Donald in the presidential debates (if he even decided to show up!) and then ride on to one of the biggest landslide victories in history. Sounded legit. I mean she was the most qualified candidate ever to run and he was a dude who is in the WWE Hall of Fame. HOW COULD SHE FUCK THIS UP???!!!!

wwe-hall-of-fame-class-of-2013

Feast your eyes on my new Facebook profile pic.

Well here’s how. You start by ignoring the fact that there were people who were disgusted enough with the status quo that they decided to elect Donald Trump as the Republican nominee. That alone should have home the point that people were not fucking around when they said they were disgusted with Washington. Then, on top of that, you fuel the idea that you are some elitist New York insider who doesn’t give two shits what Jimbos and Ellie Maes of the country have to say or what they care about by saying that they are all  “deplorables”. Yes, I know she said half, but it is absolutely no different than when Donald Trump says many of the Mexicans coming across the border are drug dealers and rapists. Trump didn’t say all Mexicans are criminals, just like she only said half of Trump supporters are pieces of shit, but chances are if Hillary were to meet Jimbo or Ellie Mae they are going to be thinking this lady thinks I am a fucking deplorable. FUCK HER!!!

To be clear, I am not saying she did not deserve to be president because of this misstep. Again, she was maybe the most qualified candidate to ever run for office. She also may have proven to be one of the cockiest candidates ever (her and those in her camp). There was almost this attitude that it was Hillary’s destiny to win this election. Like it was some self fulfilling prophecy.

She had worked her whole life to get here.

She had learned to be more likable.

The country had shown by electing Barack Obama twice that they were open to trying new things. We were finally ready for our first woman president! It wasn’t a matter of IF SHE WOULD WIN, it was a question of HOW MUCH SHE WOULD WIN BY!

hillary-history

Yeah, that is one way of looking at it. 

Hillary and her camp never really considered losing as a truly possible outcome. They never took Donald Trump as a serious threat. He was a joke. Hillary had the backing of every living president, prominent Republicans, and major celebrities of every kind. Trump had Scott Baio. This was never supposed to be a contest. This was just all the shit Hillary had to do before she became president.

Remember when Buster Douglas beat Mike Tyson?

When the USA beat Russia in the Miracle on Ice?

When Jennifer Hudson lost on American Idol?

Bad things happen when you take your opponent for granted. All Hillary’s camp had to do was listen to any pregame speech of any NFL coach preparing his team to face the Cleveland Browns to hear things like, “you never take your opponent for granted”,  “wins are not just handed to you”, and other such cliches. Because she violated these sacred rules, we just witnessed the electoral equivalent of Hillary losing to the Cleveland Browns.

Once you really wrap your head around how this happened, I believe it makes it just the slightest bit easier to move forward. What happened already happened. If you feel the need to protest to show your disgust, fine. If you really want to move to Canada, more power to you. But for those of us who are staying all I ask is one thing.

Find a way to make peace with this so we can all move on.

No one is saying you should not be angry or disappointed. There is a difference between complacency and acceptance. An alcoholic knows he has a drinking problem and keeps on drinking. A recovering alcoholic knows he has a drinking problem and takes steps to address his problem. If this election has shown us all something is that we all have a huge problem on our hands. Just a few weeks ago it was just the Republican party that was in crisis. Democrats everywhere looked down at the fire and laughed smugly. Don’t act like it isn’t true. We loved every minute of it.

Not so funny anymore is it?

Now that we know this is not just a GOP crisis, what do we do to fix things? For one, we all need to stop trying to find the nearest member of the opposing party to blame and concentrate on what it is that we can do better. It starts with listening to one another instead of dismissing each other as idiots the second we hear something that we don’t agree with. Just because someone doesn’t believe in abortion doesn’t mean they might not have some sort of keen insight on the economy. Just because someone for some stupid reason believes we should build a wall doesn’t mean they might not be right about some of our legitimately lax immigration policies. We all need to try harder to understand why these white people all felt desperate enough that they chose to believe in a guy who used to sell steaks at Sharper Image.

trumpsteak1

FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHITE PEOPLE!!!

I will end this with a plea to all my fellow liberal assholes. The time for making fun of the uneducated redneck masses has passed. That group that you are so much smarter than just served you a big ole’ country sized serving of WOKE! Instead of reacting the same exact way all the “racists” did when President Obama did in 2008, how about we try something different? We can all say #notmypresident till we turn blue in the face (Get it? Blue? This thing on?), but that will not change the fact that Donald Trump is f’reals the president. So go ahead, get all the anger out your system (PEACEFULLY!!!) and let’s move on in a smarter, more productive fashion. Let’s not let this happen again in 2020!

kanye-2020

Laugh at your own peril.

Game of Drones (A Purely Original Headline)

This week there were many people who were finally given a reason for hope after months of sadness and uncertainty. They saw their savior arise, destined to restore order to the broken realm.

I’m talking of course about Ted Cruz, champion of the Republican Party.

Jon Snow
Go back to sleep Jon, Ted’s got this. 

The demigod Donald Trump has run roughshod over the GOP in his pursuit of the throne. Like a true American patriot, he has ignored the antiquated rules of engagement and  used tactics as unorthodox as his hair to rise through the ranks. What began as a subtle annoyance to the GOP nobility has since grown into a nigh unstoppable force which threatens to doom us all.

There have been many who have attempted to stand in opposition. At the start of the conflict, the GOP threw out hordes of their “finest” soldiers to vanquish the Donald. No fewer than 16 candidates were thought to be up to the task. Santorum, Fiorina, Jindal, Perry, even Jeb of clan Bush all fell at the feet of the beast. Some fought more valiantly than others, employing several interesting strategies along the way.

Ben the Surgeon appeared to use confusion as his tactic of choice. Not sure if he intended to confuse himself or the rest of us the whole time, but maybe that was his plan all along.

Carson stage

Ben, you stupid genius, you!

Marco the Little attempted to use wit to gain the support of the masses, repeatedly mocking Trump’s small fingers and making ill fated references to his watering gaffe of old lore. A strategy that might have been more successful had Marco possessed a sense of humor… or a personality… or a human, non-robotic brain.

Rubio Water

Classic!

John of Kay-sick? Kay-sitch? or whatever his name is, has used stealth as his weapon. Often times over the past few months we’ve heard whispers of, “Wait, he’s still in this fight?” or “Holy shit, there is another guy in there.” Indeed there was another guy, behaving himself in the shadows, waiting for his opportunity to strike politely.

Kasich

Kasich at a recent debate.

In the end there was only one man seemingly fit enough to pose a real threat to Trump. Inexplicably, that man was the bastard Ted Cruz (not a bastard in the literal sense, just in the sense that he’s a dick). Cruz was never meant to be the hero of this tale. He is generally loathed by most everyone he has ever been in contact with. Think of it this way, if Trump is the Antichrist, the hope was that Cruz could be the anti-Antichrist.

Cruz began his assault with a stirring victory in the battle of the Iowa caucases. He didn’t do much of shit after that, but with every almost victory he grew more and more confident. His task was made simpler when it was made clear that he didn’t even need to completely defeat Trump on his own. He only needed to weaken Trump enough to force him into a showdown in Cleveland, where the GOP were prepared to summon the fabled “Super-Delegates” to finish the job.

Despite the mounting opposition, Trump grew more and more brash, smugly navigating every obstacle set before him. Every time Trump defied the GOP it was a bigger embarrassment. What began as a mild annoyance over Trump had grown into a full fledged hatred (a hatred only surpassed by their hatred for Ted Cruz). Still, despite their disdain for Trump. not many dared to fully cross him. After all, this man could well be their future ruler. Although some were brave enough to cry out how shitty he is in one breath, they also felt compelled to begrudgingly pledge their support for him in the next.

Christie

Yes, Chris the Fat. Gaze upon your future in horror.

It was all up to Ted Cruz to turn things around. He had to put a stop to Trump’s onslaught. He was the GOP’s sad, shitty last hope. (This is when we all say “GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, KASICH IS STILL IN?!!”)  Alas, things did not go as planned. Cruz’s last stand at the battle of Indiana was a disaster.

First leading up to the battle, John Boehner, former Lord Commander of the House of Representatives, came out and publicly stabbed Cruz in the back.

Boehner cruz

FOR THE WATCH!!!

Then in the early stages of the battle, Carly Fiorina, Cruz’s chosen top lieutenant, fell at his side.

Fiorina stage

Like a true pro, Ted didn’t break stride.

Finally, Trump dealt the apparent deathblow, forcing Cruz and what few supporters he had left into apparent surrender.

Cruz suspends

NOOOO! I mean, YESSS! I mean, NOOOO!… I’m so conflicted.

But then at the zero hour, when all seemed to be lost, a fire sparked in Ted Cruz unlike anything we’d ever seen before. Throwing caution to the wind, he unleashed a powerful offensive on Trump. He was no longer holding back.

“utterly amoral,”

“narcissist,”

“serial philanderer”

These were the blows Cruz was now lodging toward Trump. He went on to add that Trump is “a pathological liar. He doesn’t know the difference between truth and lies. He lies practically every word that comes out of his mouth.”

This is the fury the people had been waiting for. This was the conflict we’d waited to witness. Though slain in battle, maybe Cruz could somehow rise up out of the ashes and lead the charge to defeat Trump after all. What a tale  that would turn out to be. A world renowned piece of shit like Cruz, given a chance at redemption, unites the GOP to rise up and renounce Trump and all his evils once and for all. Songs would be sung of his bravery for generations to come!

Unfortunately, Ted Cruz is not the savior that was promised. He is still a just a piece of shit. After all the insults, and the tantrums, and the tirades against Trump, Cruz was asked this simple question.

“Will you support Donald Trump as the Republican nominee?”

After dodging the question a few times Cruz answered,

“You sound like a broken record, someone else have a question?”

Again he was pressed for an answer,

“I don’t understand why you won’t answer the question, Senator. If you think he’s a liar… If you say he’s a pathological liar, and you say that you can’t…”

“You’ve asked one already, Hallie,” Cruz responded angrily. “You’ve asked already.”

And so, with one last act of cowardice, Cruz exited the struggle once and for all.

Lyin ted

Ahh, fuck off with this shit, lyin’ Ted. 

Trump’s domination of the Republican party seems to be complete. Only the Democrats can stop him now. Pray for us all.

 

Jesus Died at Age 33… OH SHIT, HOLD UP!!!

I had a birthday recently. In case you couldn’t figure out by the title I turned 33 years old.

I’ll pause for a sec to let you sing to me…

…aww, thanks you guys!

I’ve had many people tell me that 33 is a great year recently. They all reference Jesus when they tell me this, like 33 was a great year for him. Did any of these people see Passion of the Christ? I don’t know what version they saw, but to me 33 did not look like a fun year for JC. That’s why we love Jesus so much, because of all the horrible stuff he went through for us. I don’t want to have any year of my life be nearly as traumatic.

Jesus hero

Although if I could have Jesus’ powers without having to go through all the torturing and crucifixion and stuff, I’d sign up for that.

That being said, I have always felt a connection to the number 33. It was the number my favorite basketball player, Patrick Ewing, wore. It is worn today by Matt Harvey, my favorite current NY Met. #33 was also worn by Jose Canseco, who was one of my favorite baseball players growing up before I was old enough to figure out what a piece of shit he is. Whenever I played sports or created characters in sports games I always wore #33. I still wear 33 on my Sunday morning softball team to this day.

So seeing how 33 is my number, I decided to look into this notion of 33 being the age to be. I started with a google search of “age 33”. I found all of these articles saying how 33 is the age where people are happiest, but that turned out to be bullshit since I found similar articles on the first page for searches of ages 34, 35, 36, 37, and 38. 

Looking further into the number 33 I did find some pretty cool stuff though:

  • The thirty-third year of a person, it is the perfect age, that of the full development. It is at this age that Jesus-Christ was crucified and that Krishna, the god with the 16000 wives and the 180000 sons, died to repurchase the Karma of the humanity
  • David reigned 33 years to Jerusalem
  • The Christ in the Gospels accomplishes 33 miracles
  • Joseph was 33 when he too the Virgin Mary as his wife
  • The Zen books represent us the genius solar surrounded by 33 atmospheric gods
  • Total number of vertebrae of the spinal column of the human body, in which pass 33 pairs of nervous groups
  • Water boils at 33 degrees Celcius
  • According to the Muslim theologian Al-Ghazali the dwellers of Heaven will exist eternally in a state of being age 33
  • 33 is not only a numerical representation of “the Star of David,” but also the numerical equivalent of AMEN: 1+13+5+14=33 (<—-COOL!!!)

Besides the importance of the number itself, here is some cool stuff people accomplished throughout history at age 33:

  • Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly across the Atlantic alone
  • Michelangelo began work on the statue of David
  • Alexander the great conquered most of the known world (1 month shy of 33)
  • Thomas Jefferson wrote The Declaration of Independence
  • Thomas Edison took credit for inventing the light bulb
  • Vaudeville performer Walter Nilsson rode across the United States on an 8 1/2 foot unicycle (<—HOLY CRAP THAT’S AMAZING!!!)

It wasn’t all good for 33 though. There were some negatives:

  • Hitler rose to power in Germany in 1933. This was the same year that the Great Depression reached it’s height in America
  • 33 is one of the symbols for the KKK (K = 11 x 3 = 33)
  • Many believe that the Antichrist (whoever he turns out to be) will rise at age 33
  • Recent studies have shown that most people stop liking new music at age 33 (this may not be so bad actually.

After taking in all of this information I was still on the fence about age 33. That is until I found one more amazing fact about age 33 that completely blew my mind:

UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE!!!

And so, with that I’m very excited about the year to come. Already to begin my 33rd year I have a chance to witness something magical that only occurs once in a millenium. If this event comes to pass I will be fully convinced of the power of the 33rd year.

Mets World Series

COME ON METS. THIS IS MY… I mean OUR YEAR!!!