Music

How to Captivate an Audience Without Using Your Crotch

I hate music these days.

I know I may sound like a crotchety old man at times, but hear me out on this.

The other day I was channel surfing and I came across a performance by some half naked performer singing some factory assembled song, with some over the top crotch in your face dance moves, and I thought to myself, “who is to blame for this?” The thing about that description I just gave you is that it could apply to any number of contemporary “artists”, male or female. It’s become the blueprint to making it in the biz.

The thing is, I can appreciate good choreography, or artists that know how to put on a hell of a fun show, but at the end of the day less is usually more. On Sunday I went to see one of my favorite artists, Norah Jones. My cousins often make fun of me for being such a huge fan of hers, but the reason I love Norah is because she is a musician. Her performances are all about the entirety of the music. The piano, guitar, bass, percussion, and of course her voice all work together. She connects with each of her songs as she performs and that translates to the audience. No huge production value is needed. You don’t pay attention because there are a bunch of shiny flashing lights and shaking asses. You pay attention because someone is up there sharing a piece of their soul with you.

If that isn’t sexy enough for you, then let me turn your attention to the queen of the less is more concept. One of the sexiest woman of all time in many ways if you ask me (and I am certainly not the only one). I am talking about the one and only, Sade.

I had the distinct pleasure of seeing Sade live in concert a few years back. I still remember as I left the venue I overheard many people saying exactly what I was thinking. “I can die happy now.” I’m not kidding. She is that good. Sade doesn’t just perform when she gets on stage. Sade holds the audience hostage when she gets on stage.

Sade’s sexiness lies in the subtlety of her movements. A flick of her wrist, a slight raise of her eyebrow, the smallest twitch in her hips. She knows exactly what she’s doing to us. It gives me goosebumps just writing about it. If I ever were in a position to manage some young beautiful singer I would have her watch Sade videos all day and night. Not that anyone could ever duplicate her greatness. Just hopefully they would see more of a role model than any of the nameless clones being shoved in our faces today.

Greatness stands on it’s own.

Jersey Shore is Done!

You had your routine all set:

Every Thursday at 10 PM, you turn on your TV and immerse yourself in the complete and utter tomfoolery that is Jersey Shore. (Yep. I said “tomfoolery”. I’m bringing it back!) You do it because somewhere deep inside of you, you have become accustomed to the idiocy. It may have started off with the Real World, or maybe Flavor of Love, or maybe even Fox and Friends, but now you’ve come to depend on the Shore for your fix.

Jersey Shore Season 3
You have a disease. I am not judging you.

Now that Jersey Shore is over, where are you going to turn for your weekly supply of stupid? Where will your brain cells now go to die a slow, methodical death? Before you go searching through MTV’s programming schedule, might I make a suggestion?

There is a show, which comes on at the same convenient 10 PM time slot. A show which, if given the chance, can be a fairly steady source of wtf moments and ridiculous antics. For example, here are some of the stupid things you can look forward to on tonight’s show:

– Dave and Alex figure out if their taste in music is gay.
– Can you catch the gay? Our in depth (not literally) research is revealed.
– Tonight’s guests include a black standup comic from Wisconsin (I didn’t even know they had black people) and a dude who wants people to pay him to chop his penis off.

That last part was totally serious.

So join me and my cast of merry fools tonight for another episode of NYComedyUnderground radio. It’s fun and it’s free.

Listen online: That’s Kinda Gay

Call in live: 858-815-2314

Ship of Fools

Join me tonight at 10 PM ET, for another thrilling episode of NYComedyUnderground Radio. My guests tonight include comedians Brian Baron, and Brett Eidman. We will be celebrating stupidity on the Eve of the most ridiculous day of the year (aside from Valentine’s Day, of course.)

Date / Time: 3/31/2011 10:00 PM

Category: Comedy

Call-in Number: (858) 815-2314

Join us for a pre April Fool’s day celebration of stupidity. We’ve got stupid news, we’ve got stupid stories, and of course we’ve got stupid people. (Not naming any names.)

The Best Show Yet!

I love it when something comes together exactly as you planned it. Yesterday was one of those times.

Last night’s show on strip club etiquette was by far the best show we’ve done so far. It was fun, we had great guests, and on top of everything else, it was educational. It actually went even better than I had hoped for.

Let me give you a quick recap:

10:00 – The show started off on a musical note. Alex (my co-host for the night) and I discussed some of the best songs for stripping and fielded some suggestions from twitter and facebook. Our choices included Low by Flo Rida, The Whisper Song by The Ying Yang Twins, and Doo Doo Brown by Uncle Luke.

10:10 – Our first guest was a female exotic dancer by the name of Bianca. Alex expressed his great appreciation for her work and we both took turns asking her questions about her craft. Among other things, we learned that it is okay to get aroused while getting a lap dance, and the best ways to tip your dancers at the club.

10:25 – We opened up the lines to callers who had questions for Bianca and discussed more basic rules of strip club etiquette. We also touched on important factors such as strip club food and strip club ATMs.

10:35 – Our second guest was just as much fun as the first. A male dancer by the name of Anthony joined us and shared some of his experiences in the exotic entertainment parties. We explored the topics of sex crazed old women, male strippers being gay, and what Anthony does when a guy wants to tip him at a party.

10:45 – Some of our lady listeners called in with some very interesting questions for Anthony. My favorite being, “Do you ever put your penis on women’s foreheads?” 

10:55 – I shared the story of Queen LaQueefa with my guests and listeners. We all had a great laugh as I told tales of her unique talents.

I encourage you all to have a listen when you have a chance. You can listen to archived shows via the website at any time. Here are the links. (I am also posting the player on this page.)

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YOUR CHANCE TO LISTEN!!!

A roundtable discussion about Taco Bell fake beef. A shared hatred for Alicia Keys and Robert Randolph. A solid win for the NY Knicks. Not too shabby for a first show!

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A Message to Justin Bieber

So I saw the MTV Video Awards over the weekend, and after watching, there is something I want to say.

Justin Bieber

YOU ARE NOT AFRICAN AMERICAN!!!

As a matter of fact, you aren’t even American.
Take your Canadian ass back to Canada!

(and while you’re at it, take Drake with you.)


Speaking of guys who are not black.