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Basket of Dismissables

Racists.

Bigots.

Misogynists.

These are the uneducated idiots who made it possible for the unthinkable to happen. These are the people who elected Donald Trump to the highest office in this so-called greatest country on earth.

(Here is the part where all of the short tempered assholes jump off this blog. Fine. This isn’t really for you anyway.)

Now let me tell you what I really think.

While there is absolutely no doubt that the prejudice and hate that plagues this country played a role in what transpired this election day, the bigger issue is how those of us who staked our claim to the moral high ground by siding with “Her” dismissed those who didn’t by labeling them racists, bigots, misogynists, or just generally less intelligent and uninformed. This attitude was crystallized in what I believe was the turning point of the entire election, when Hilary Clinton referred to half of Trump’s supporters as a “basket of deplorables”.

I was deeply disappointed when this news came out. It was at a time in the election when all of the momentum was shifted her way. She was coming off of a successful Democratic National Convention where Bernie Sanders and the Obamas helped unite the party behind her, after a disastrous Republican National Convention which was highlighted by Melania Trump’s plagiarized speech and Ted Cruz’s controversial non-endorsement for Trump. This was followed by a period of party in-fighting where Trump was at odds with everyone from John McCain to Paul Ryan. By mid-August things were so bad for Trump and his camp that Paul Manafort, his second campaign manager, resigned and was replaced by Kellyanne Conway two and a half months before election day. At the time, most opinion polls had Hillary ahead by double digits.

It was expected at the time that Hillary would take this momentum, kick the shit out of Donald in the presidential debates (if he even decided to show up!) and then ride on to one of the biggest landslide victories in history. Sounded legit. I mean she was the most qualified candidate ever to run and he was a dude who is in the WWE Hall of Fame. HOW COULD SHE FUCK THIS UP???!!!!

wwe-hall-of-fame-class-of-2013

Feast your eyes on my new Facebook profile pic.

Well here’s how. You start by ignoring the fact that there were people who were disgusted enough with the status quo that they decided to elect Donald Trump as the Republican nominee. That alone should have home the point that people were not fucking around when they said they were disgusted with Washington. Then, on top of that, you fuel the idea that you are some elitist New York insider who doesn’t give two shits what Jimbos and Ellie Maes of the country have to say or what they care about by saying that they are all  “deplorables”. Yes, I know she said half, but it is absolutely no different than when Donald Trump says many of the Mexicans coming across the border are drug dealers and rapists. Trump didn’t say all Mexicans are criminals, just like she only said half of Trump supporters are pieces of shit, but chances are if Hillary were to meet Jimbo or Ellie Mae they are going to be thinking this lady thinks I am a fucking deplorable. FUCK HER!!!

To be clear, I am not saying she did not deserve to be president because of this misstep. Again, she was maybe the most qualified candidate to ever run for office. She also may have proven to be one of the cockiest candidates ever (her and those in her camp). There was almost this attitude that it was Hillary’s destiny to win this election. Like it was some self fulfilling prophecy.

She had worked her whole life to get here.

She had learned to be more likable.

The country had shown by electing Barack Obama twice that they were open to trying new things. We were finally ready for our first woman president! It wasn’t a matter of IF SHE WOULD WIN, it was a question of HOW MUCH SHE WOULD WIN BY!

hillary-history

Yeah, that is one way of looking at it. 

Hillary and her camp never really considered losing as a truly possible outcome. They never took Donald Trump as a serious threat. He was a joke. Hillary had the backing of every living president, prominent Republicans, and major celebrities of every kind. Trump had Scott Baio. This was never supposed to be a contest. This was just all the shit Hillary had to do before she became president.

Remember when Buster Douglas beat Mike Tyson?

When the USA beat Russia in the Miracle on Ice?

When Jennifer Hudson lost on American Idol?

Bad things happen when you take your opponent for granted. All Hillary’s camp had to do was listen to any pregame speech of any NFL coach preparing his team to face the Cleveland Browns to hear things like, “you never take your opponent for granted”,  “wins are not just handed to you”, and other such cliches. Because she violated these sacred rules, we just witnessed the electoral equivalent of Hillary losing to the Cleveland Browns.

Once you really wrap your head around how this happened, I believe it makes it just the slightest bit easier to move forward. What happened already happened. If you feel the need to protest to show your disgust, fine. If you really want to move to Canada, more power to you. But for those of us who are staying all I ask is one thing.

Find a way to make peace with this so we can all move on.

No one is saying you should not be angry or disappointed. There is a difference between complacency and acceptance. An alcoholic knows he has a drinking problem and keeps on drinking. A recovering alcoholic knows he has a drinking problem and takes steps to address his problem. If this election has shown us all something is that we all have a huge problem on our hands. Just a few weeks ago it was just the Republican party that was in crisis. Democrats everywhere looked down at the fire and laughed smugly. Don’t act like it isn’t true. We loved every minute of it.

Not so funny anymore is it?

Now that we know this is not just a GOP crisis, what do we do to fix things? For one, we all need to stop trying to find the nearest member of the opposing party to blame and concentrate on what it is that we can do better. It starts with listening to one another instead of dismissing each other as idiots the second we hear something that we don’t agree with. Just because someone doesn’t believe in abortion doesn’t mean they might not have some sort of keen insight on the economy. Just because someone for some stupid reason believes we should build a wall doesn’t mean they might not be right about some of our legitimately lax immigration policies. We all need to try harder to understand why these white people all felt desperate enough that they chose to believe in a guy who used to sell steaks at Sharper Image.

trumpsteak1

FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHITE PEOPLE!!!

I will end this with a plea to all my fellow liberal assholes. The time for making fun of the uneducated redneck masses has passed. That group that you are so much smarter than just served you a big ole’ country sized serving of WOKE! Instead of reacting the same exact way all the “racists” did when President Obama did in 2008, how about we try something different? We can all say #notmypresident till we turn blue in the face (Get it? Blue? This thing on?), but that will not change the fact that Donald Trump is f’reals the president. So go ahead, get all the anger out your system (PEACEFULLY!!!) and let’s move on in a smarter, more productive fashion. Let’s not let this happen again in 2020!

kanye-2020

Laugh at your own peril.

Game of Drones (A Purely Original Headline)

This week there were many people who were finally given a reason for hope after months of sadness and uncertainty. They saw their savior arise, destined to restore order to the broken realm.

I’m talking of course about Ted Cruz, champion of the Republican Party.

Jon Snow
Go back to sleep Jon, Ted’s got this. 

The demigod Donald Trump has run roughshod over the GOP in his pursuit of the throne. Like a true American patriot, he has ignored the antiquated rules of engagement and  used tactics as unorthodox as his hair to rise through the ranks. What began as a subtle annoyance to the GOP nobility has since grown into a nigh unstoppable force which threatens to doom us all.

There have been many who have attempted to stand in opposition. At the start of the conflict, the GOP threw out hordes of their “finest” soldiers to vanquish the Donald. No fewer than 16 candidates were thought to be up to the task. Santorum, Fiorina, Jindal, Perry, even Jeb of clan Bush all fell at the feet of the beast. Some fought more valiantly than others, employing several interesting strategies along the way.

Ben the Surgeon appeared to use confusion as his tactic of choice. Not sure if he intended to confuse himself or the rest of us the whole time, but maybe that was his plan all along.

Carson stage

Ben, you stupid genius, you!

Marco the Little attempted to use wit to gain the support of the masses, repeatedly mocking Trump’s small fingers and making ill fated references to his watering gaffe of old lore. A strategy that might have been more successful had Marco possessed a sense of humor… or a personality… or a human, non-robotic brain.

Rubio Water

Classic!

John of Kay-sick? Kay-sitch? or whatever his name is, has used stealth as his weapon. Often times over the past few months we’ve heard whispers of, “Wait, he’s still in this fight?” or “Holy shit, there is another guy in there.” Indeed there was another guy, behaving himself in the shadows, waiting for his opportunity to strike politely.

Kasich

Kasich at a recent debate.

In the end there was only one man seemingly fit enough to pose a real threat to Trump. Inexplicably, that man was the bastard Ted Cruz (not a bastard in the literal sense, just in the sense that he’s a dick). Cruz was never meant to be the hero of this tale. He is generally loathed by most everyone he has ever been in contact with. Think of it this way, if Trump is the Antichrist, the hope was that Cruz could be the anti-Antichrist.

Cruz began his assault with a stirring victory in the battle of the Iowa caucases. He didn’t do much of shit after that, but with every almost victory he grew more and more confident. His task was made simpler when it was made clear that he didn’t even need to completely defeat Trump on his own. He only needed to weaken Trump enough to force him into a showdown in Cleveland, where the GOP were prepared to summon the fabled “Super-Delegates” to finish the job.

Despite the mounting opposition, Trump grew more and more brash, smugly navigating every obstacle set before him. Every time Trump defied the GOP it was a bigger embarrassment. What began as a mild annoyance over Trump had grown into a full fledged hatred (a hatred only surpassed by their hatred for Ted Cruz). Still, despite their disdain for Trump. not many dared to fully cross him. After all, this man could well be their future ruler. Although some were brave enough to cry out how shitty he is in one breath, they also felt compelled to begrudgingly pledge their support for him in the next.

Christie

Yes, Chris the Fat. Gaze upon your future in horror.

It was all up to Ted Cruz to turn things around. He had to put a stop to Trump’s onslaught. He was the GOP’s sad, shitty last hope. (This is when we all say “GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, KASICH IS STILL IN?!!”)  Alas, things did not go as planned. Cruz’s last stand at the battle of Indiana was a disaster.

First leading up to the battle, John Boehner, former Lord Commander of the House of Representatives, came out and publicly stabbed Cruz in the back.

Boehner cruz

FOR THE WATCH!!!

Then in the early stages of the battle, Carly Fiorina, Cruz’s chosen top lieutenant, fell at his side.

Fiorina stage

Like a true pro, Ted didn’t break stride.

Finally, Trump dealt the apparent deathblow, forcing Cruz and what few supporters he had left into apparent surrender.

Cruz suspends

NOOOO! I mean, YESSS! I mean, NOOOO!… I’m so conflicted.

But then at the zero hour, when all seemed to be lost, a fire sparked in Ted Cruz unlike anything we’d ever seen before. Throwing caution to the wind, he unleashed a powerful offensive on Trump. He was no longer holding back.

“utterly amoral,”

“narcissist,”

“serial philanderer”

These were the blows Cruz was now lodging toward Trump. He went on to add that Trump is “a pathological liar. He doesn’t know the difference between truth and lies. He lies practically every word that comes out of his mouth.”

This is the fury the people had been waiting for. This was the conflict we’d waited to witness. Though slain in battle, maybe Cruz could somehow rise up out of the ashes and lead the charge to defeat Trump after all. What a tale  that would turn out to be. A world renowned piece of shit like Cruz, given a chance at redemption, unites the GOP to rise up and renounce Trump and all his evils once and for all. Songs would be sung of his bravery for generations to come!

Unfortunately, Ted Cruz is not the savior that was promised. He is still a just a piece of shit. After all the insults, and the tantrums, and the tirades against Trump, Cruz was asked this simple question.

“Will you support Donald Trump as the Republican nominee?”

After dodging the question a few times Cruz answered,

“You sound like a broken record, someone else have a question?”

Again he was pressed for an answer,

“I don’t understand why you won’t answer the question, Senator. If you think he’s a liar… If you say he’s a pathological liar, and you say that you can’t…”

“You’ve asked one already, Hallie,” Cruz responded angrily. “You’ve asked already.”

And so, with one last act of cowardice, Cruz exited the struggle once and for all.

Lyin ted

Ahh, fuck off with this shit, lyin’ Ted. 

Trump’s domination of the Republican party seems to be complete. Only the Democrats can stop him now. Pray for us all.

 

When White People Riot

I remember sitting in a pizza shop with some co-workers the day the riots in Ferguson, Missouri reached their climax. CNN was on the television showing images of police in riot gear clashing with angry black residents. Cars were overturned, stores were smashed, whole neighborhoods burned. As we sat and watched, I braced myself for the inevitable question someone would eventually blurt out.

Demonstrators stand in the middle of West Florissant as they react to tear gas fired by police during ongoing protests in reaction to the shooting of Brown, near Ferguson

“Why would they do that to their own community?”

Oh yeah, my co-workers are all white. This matters for context only. I’m not racist, I swear.

As the only person of color at the table I was somehow expected to have the answer to this question. It is a question people of color are always asked when these types of situations play out. It was asked during the Ferguson riots, it was asked during the Baltimore riots, it was asked during the LA riots back when Rodney King made his famous plea of “can’t we all just get along?” For such a seemingly simple concept the answer is and always has been exceedingly complex. There really is no answer in my estimation. On many levels it simply doesn’t make sense.

Rioting as a form of protest is a paradoxical concept. I’ve never been able to wrap my head around it as a strategic maneuver. I’ve always seen it more as a purely instinctual, emotionally charged response. Like a child throwing a tantrum when their parents won’t buy them a toy at the store. It’s more likely to get them a beating than what they want (depending on how shitty the parents are).

This is why when someone asks me to explain the logic behind what transpires during riots I cringe. Logic is never the driving force behind a riot. Anger. Hurt. Desperation. These are the catalysts at play. It makes me sad to see the disenfranchised destroy what little they have. The images that we see on the news are startling. All over we see mostly young black men and women lashing out in the only way they seem to know how.

Baltimore-Riots

The perception of the angry black youth may be more alive and well in today’s America than it has ever been. For the hundreds of peaceful protests that have taken place over the past few years, it is the images from Baltimore and Ferguson that endure in the country’s psyche. The Black Lives Matter movement is viewed more as a domestic terrorist cell by many than an as a group of activists seeking justice. To sum this all up in simple terminology, WE ARE A BUNCH OF SCARY MOTHERFUCKERS!

People do crazy stuff when they are scared. More specifically white people do crazy stuff when they are scared. You think its bad when black people get angry? Or hurt? Or desperate? You think its bad to turn on your TV and see what happens when poor communities in Ferguson and Baltimore stop making sense? Turn on your TV right now and you can see what happens when the entire country stops making sense.

As recently as a year ago Donald Trump was a laughing stock. His run for the presidency was still viewed as an elaborate publicity stunt. Now here we sit, six months away from the election hoping and praying that he doesn’t score enough delegates to guarantee a nomination as the Republican candidate. He has done this while running the least presidential campaign in this country’s history. He has slandered women, advocated violence against protesters at his rallies, and run on a platform built around intolerance and xenophobia. He has proclaimed that he “could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot someone and not lose any votes” AND HE HAS BEEN PROVEN CORRECT! He even did the unthinkable recently and referred to the events of 9/11 as 7/11 in a speech. He did not correct himself. He also did not skip a beat in the polls.

Steve 711
We wouldn’t have let Steve Harvey get away with that!

To think that in 2004, Howard Dean, considered by many to be the front runner for the Democratic nomination, had his whole campaign derailed because he let out an awkward overly enthusiastic cheer at the end of one of his speeches. He literally did nothing wrong. He was just a huge dork is all. Seems unthinkable that this sort of thing could tank a campaign today. On the bright side it did lead to some hilarious spoofs.

Like this one – Dave Chapelle – BYAAHHHH!!!

 

How did things get to be this way? What the hell is wrong with everyone? Well, as is the case with almost everything over the past 8 years, you can place most of the blame with Obama. Having to deal with Obama as president for two whole terms has driven many backwards ass people to drastic measures. He is the embodiment for everything they fear and loathe.

Muslim? CHECK!

Terrorist-y sounding name? CHECK!

Smooth black dude who could probably steal your girl? CHECK!

Uppity ass educated negro? DOUBLE CHECK!!!

I-Have-No-More-Campaigns-To-Run-Funny-Obama-Meme-Picture
OHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIITTTTTT!!!!

To have this man as Commander in Chief, all the while having gays running around getting married, and trans people not living in the shadows where they belong, and Latinos from the Bronx being appointed to the Supreme Court, and black people getting fed up about cops shooting them all the time. It looks like it just all got to be too much for white people. They’ve snapped.

It’s like they’ve all gotten together and collectively are saying, “YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WANT CHANGE? WE’LL SHOW YOU CHANGE!”

So FUCK IT they say, build a wall to keep out the Mexicans who are the backbone of our agricultural industry and contribute in countless other to our country. And while we’re at it keep all the Muslims out too. FUCK IT, repeal Obama Care no matter how many lives it has saved and regardless of the fact that none of the fucks cursing its name have a more viable alternative to help those who can’t afford care. FUCK IT, lets make huge sweeping cuts to social security and welfare. Yeah millions of god fearing honest white people will be left out in the cold, but at least the minorities won’t be able to buy their drugs with our tax dollars.

And yea, FUCK IT, elect Donald Trump our next president. FUCK IT, bomb the shit out of ISIS and all of our enemies. FUCK IT we don’t care about economic policies, or failed business practices. FUCK IT, make Mexico or China or whoever the fuck finance our bullshit ideas. He can say what he wants or do what he wants because damnit, he loves America! Not YOUR America, THEIR America. And it’s gonna be fucking GREAT again.

FUCK IT ALL!!! 

This is what’s happening in our country right now. There are no police in riot gear imposing martial law in the streets. No victimized store owners crying in front of their wrecked livelihood. No burning buildings to point at in horror. Yet somehow I can’t shake the fear that unless things change we will all be standing in front of the wreckage in a few years asking ourselves this one sobering question.

“Why would they do that to their own country?”

Trump Palin
CAUSE FUCK IT, THAT’S WHY!!!

OH YOU THINK YOU TOUGH??!!!!

There is nothing on earth that gives people balls more than a keyboard and a screen. The most mild mannered of folk can turn into viscous animals when they get on the internet. Whether it be a comment on a youtube video, a forum post, a reply to a blog, or review on yelp, an all out war of words is always just seconds from breaking out. I don’t know what it is that gives people the balls.

Oh wait… yes I do. They are hundreds of miles away and anonymous. That’s right.

I’ve always found internet toughness to be a fascinating subject. Watching trolls in action is sort of like watching kids in a schoolyard during recess. You can always tell the ones who are acting out, the ones who just want attention, the ones who are just doing it because they see others doing it, and of course the ones who need to be separated because they are genuinely fucking crazy!


LEAVE THIS KID ALONE!!!

Since this is such a fun topic, I decided to do a radio show about it. It will be tonight at 10 PM ET and it is going to be awesome. Here’s the link:

DAVE AND ALEX’S RADIO SHOW

To start the discussion I will share with you some of the types of trolls you might encounter on the interwebs. I’ll give you my top three and then you can take it from there:

Dave’s Top Three Internet Troll Breeds

1. The Say Anything to Fuck With You Troll – This troll never really speaks in coherent sentences or words. They will just post total nonsense like “WEEEEEEEEEE!!!” or “My taint itches when it rains.” These are both comments I have received in the past.

2. The Racist/Homophobic at the Drop of a Hat Troll – This troll usually reverts to racism or homophobia the second you question him/her (usually him) on anything.

“I don’t think the Yankees are going to make the playoffs.”
“Yeah you would think that you nigger. Probably like those faggot Mets.”
“Yeah, I’m a Mets fan.”

3. The Post Hijacker Troll – This troll is the worst to me. They will take any chance they get to turn your post into a forum for whatever issue they want to air out at the time. For example, yesterday on facebook my friend posted this cool video of Rhonda Rousey doing judo. I made the comment that Ray Rice should try to mess with her. A rather innocent passing barb. Some asshole after me calls me ignorant, then proceeds to write a ten paragraph rant on men being victims of domestic violence. 

Dick.

Okay, now you go. What type of trolls do you encounter?

Join the discussion tonight at 10 PM ET – here

MEGA MILLIONS!!!


I’M RICH BIATCH!!!

What would you do if you won the mega millions? Would you be an asshole about it? Would you be kind and generous? We don’t want to know those corny cliche answeres. We want the truth, damnit!

Winning the Mega Millions…

Tonight at 10 PM
Call in live at: 858-815-2314

We are also sneaking some playoff basketball talk in!

Ship of Fools

Join me tonight at 10 PM ET, for another thrilling episode of NYComedyUnderground Radio. My guests tonight include comedians Brian Baron, and Brett Eidman. We will be celebrating stupidity on the Eve of the most ridiculous day of the year (aside from Valentine’s Day, of course.)

Date / Time: 3/31/2011 10:00 PM

Category: Comedy

Call-in Number: (858) 815-2314

Join us for a pre April Fool’s day celebration of stupidity. We’ve got stupid news, we’ve got stupid stories, and of course we’ve got stupid people. (Not naming any names.)

Fake Holidays

Well everyone, its officially St. Patrick’s Day. Are you drunk yet?

Of all the fake holidays out there, St. Patrick’s Day has got to be one of the best. Now when I say fake holiday, I don’t mean that St. Patrick’s Day doesn’t mean something to certain people. There are true Irish men and women who hold the day near and dear to their hearts. They celebrate with traditions that have been passed on from generation to generation. They gather with their friends and families and break bread, they participate in parades, and instead of going crazy for green beer, they get drunk on the real stuff.


STRAIGHT WHISKEY BITCHES!!!

As for the rest of us, St. Patty’s Day is a fake holiday. An excuse to go out and party and blow off work.

There are many fake holidays in the year. Valentine’s Day, Halloween, Labor Day, Columbus Day, Cinco de Mayo, Election Day, and of course all of the Jewish Holidays. Of all the fake holidays, St. Patty’s Day has got to be right up there in terms of awesomeness. People get up at the crack of dawn and are in bars and pubs from the wee morning hours till late at night. It is a non-stop party! Halloween also gets high marks for all the girls who dress up all slutty and stuff, but sometimes planning a costume can be a pain in the ass. Today all you need is a green shirt and an ID card.


Remember…Never drink and blog.

So what do you guys think? What is your favorite fake holiday?

JOIN IN THIS DISCUSSION LIVE TONIGHT ON NYCOMEDYUNDERGROUND RADIO.

Online: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/vanedave/2011/03/18/a-fine-excuse-to-drink
Call in: 858-815-2314