Sports

Jesus Died at Age 33… OH SHIT, HOLD UP!!!

I had a birthday recently. In case you couldn’t figure out by the title I turned 33 years old.

I’ll pause for a sec to let you sing to me…

…aww, thanks you guys!

I’ve had many people tell me that 33 is a great year recently. They all reference Jesus when they tell me this, like 33 was a great year for him. Did any of these people see Passion of the Christ? I don’t know what version they saw, but to me 33 did not look like a fun year for JC. That’s why we love Jesus so much, because of all the horrible stuff he went through for us. I don’t want to have any year of my life be nearly as traumatic.

Jesus hero

Although if I could have Jesus’ powers without having to go through all the torturing and crucifixion and stuff, I’d sign up for that.

That being said, I have always felt a connection to the number 33. It was the number my favorite basketball player, Patrick Ewing, wore. It is worn today by Matt Harvey, my favorite current NY Met. #33 was also worn by Jose Canseco, who was one of my favorite baseball players growing up before I was old enough to figure out what a piece of shit he is. Whenever I played sports or created characters in sports games I always wore #33. I still wear 33 on my Sunday morning softball team to this day.

So seeing how 33 is my number, I decided to look into this notion of 33 being the age to be. I started with a google search of “age 33”. I found all of these articles saying how 33 is the age where people are happiest, but that turned out to be bullshit since I found similar articles on the first page for searches of ages 34, 35, 36, 37, and 38. 

Looking further into the number 33 I did find some pretty cool stuff though:

  • The thirty-third year of a person, it is the perfect age, that of the full development. It is at this age that Jesus-Christ was crucified and that Krishna, the god with the 16000 wives and the 180000 sons, died to repurchase the Karma of the humanity
  • David reigned 33 years to Jerusalem
  • The Christ in the Gospels accomplishes 33 miracles
  • Joseph was 33 when he too the Virgin Mary as his wife
  • The Zen books represent us the genius solar surrounded by 33 atmospheric gods
  • Total number of vertebrae of the spinal column of the human body, in which pass 33 pairs of nervous groups
  • Water boils at 33 degrees Celcius
  • According to the Muslim theologian Al-Ghazali the dwellers of Heaven will exist eternally in a state of being age 33
  • 33 is not only a numerical representation of “the Star of David,” but also the numerical equivalent of AMEN: 1+13+5+14=33 (<—-COOL!!!)

Besides the importance of the number itself, here is some cool stuff people accomplished throughout history at age 33:

  • Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly across the Atlantic alone
  • Michelangelo began work on the statue of David
  • Alexander the great conquered most of the known world (1 month shy of 33)
  • Thomas Jefferson wrote The Declaration of Independence
  • Thomas Edison took credit for inventing the light bulb
  • Vaudeville performer Walter Nilsson rode across the United States on an 8 1/2 foot unicycle (<—HOLY CRAP THAT’S AMAZING!!!)

It wasn’t all good for 33 though. There were some negatives:

  • Hitler rose to power in Germany in 1933. This was the same year that the Great Depression reached it’s height in America
  • 33 is one of the symbols for the KKK (K = 11 x 3 = 33)
  • Many believe that the Antichrist (whoever he turns out to be) will rise at age 33
  • Recent studies have shown that most people stop liking new music at age 33 (this may not be so bad actually.

After taking in all of this information I was still on the fence about age 33. That is until I found one more amazing fact about age 33 that completely blew my mind:

UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE!!!

And so, with that I’m very excited about the year to come. Already to begin my 33rd year I have a chance to witness something magical that only occurs once in a millenium. If this event comes to pass I will be fully convinced of the power of the 33rd year.

Mets World Series

COME ON METS. THIS IS MY… I mean OUR YEAR!!!

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The Downside to the Moral High Ground

Former Indianapolis Colts head coach, Tony Dungy, was in the news this week for saying that he wouldn’t have drafted Michael Sam if it  were up to him. Dungy basically said that Sam deserves the opportunity to play in the NFL, but he wouldn’t want to deal with “all of that”. Most people assumed “all of that” is meant to mean all of the extra media attention and distractions caused by Michael Sam being the first openly gay player in the NFL. Me, I’m not so sure.

At first glance, this seems to be a pretty harmless statement by Dungy, but there are a few things that make it pretty bad. First off, Dungy is African American. It seems pretty short sighted of him to make a statement like that considering all that he must have gone through as a player back in the day and as a black coach trying to get a job. So I guess Tony would have been one of those baseball GMs back in the day that would have passed on Jackie Robinson?


Alright Jackie, back to the Negro Leagues with you, I don’t want to cause a stir.

Even more hypocritical is the fact that a few years back Dungy was the biggest advocate for getting Michael Vick back into the NFL after he served his prison sentence for dog fighting. THAT WAS THE BIGGEST MEDIA CIRCUS IN THE HISTORY OF THE LEAGUE!!! So if someone tortures a bunch of animals Dungy is alright with championing their cause, but if they like dudes he suddenly wants to mind his business? Makes sense. Jesus never specifically spoke out on dogfighting in the bible. We all know how he feels about the gays.


Here’s Jesus stopping his disciples from going into a gay night club.

The problem with taking the moral high ground is that it sets you up for a big fall if you are not genuinely moral. The moral high ground is not a place that’s designed for you to look down on people from. Once you’ve put yourself in a position where you are telling people the right and wrong things to do, they are going to expect you to do the right thing too. “Do as I say, not as I do” has never been the most popular rhetoric in most circles.

Really, the simplest way to sum up Dungy’s comments is to day that they were dumb. Oh, what’s that? You agree with Dungy? Well you are dumb too. Hiding behind the veil of righteousness does not make it less dumb.  Most times when you start off a statement with “I’m not saying” it means you are going to say exactly the thing you are claiming not to say.

“I’m not saying all religious zealots are dumb, but man they sure aren’t smart.”

Reminds of my boy Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights


“What? I said, ALL DUE RESPECT!!!”

MEGA MILLIONS!!!


I’M RICH BIATCH!!!

What would you do if you won the mega millions? Would you be an asshole about it? Would you be kind and generous? We don’t want to know those corny cliche answeres. We want the truth, damnit!

Winning the Mega Millions…

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Huge Balls or Tiny Brain?

If you are ever contemplating suicide, but lack the intestinal fortitude to actually go through with the act, you might try and do what this man did at the Cleveland Indians game yesterday.

dumbass lebron jersey
Dumbass of the year?

For those who don’t understand what is going on in this pic, let me explain. The white and red #6 Miami Heat jersey is Lebron James’ new jersey. For those of you who have been in a coma all summer, Lebron just left the fine city of Cleveland, “taking his talents with him to South Beach”. In the process he took the biggest dump in the history of dumps on Cleveland and it’s fans. Cleveland already boasted the world’s most bitter fans as a result of a long and storied history of gut-wrenching failures.

Now here comes this asshole, wearing the very embodiment of all of the misfortune Cleveland fans have had to endure. The Cleveland Indians are not helping things any, as they are being pummeled by the NY Yankees of all teams en route to an 8-0 loss. How much abuse can these fans take?

After the crowd started chanting obscenities at the man in the James jersey, police escorted him out of the stadium. By the looks of things, this guy was looking for a fight. Do you see him in that pic? Does he look like he is trying to exit gracefully? He looks like he has a fucking deathwish!

If I were that guy, I’d get the hell out of Cleveland, ASAP! Would anyone be surprised to find him choked out in a parking lot with his jersey shoved up his ass? I wouldn’t.