Uncategorized

Don’t Worry, Men Don’t Have Feelings

I’ve never been particularly self-aware when it comes to my appearance. My grooming regiment (if you can even call it that) consists basically of me showering most days, putting lotion on my face, and splashing on some cologne if I remember to do so. I haven’t owned a bottle of hair product in my entire adult life. When it comes to clothes, I like to think I have some semblance of style, but I have certainly never paid much attention to brand names or fashion trends. (My cousin Mica recently reminded me of this when she berated me for wearing jorts.) I just wear what I think looks good on me, provided it doesn’t have an offensive price tag.

This is not to say that I do not have a healthy image of myself. I’ve been told by my fair share of women that I am a very attractive man. (Albeit, most of them were older women at work, or friends of my father who like to make me feel awkward and see me squirm.) I have my strong points and I believe they work well for me. I clean up nicely, I am reasonably well built, and I have a sweet ass that I like to flaunt on occasion. Add in my devastating charm and wit and you have all the makings of an adequately confident man.

Dave <— Adequately confident man.

As men get older there are certain challenges we face. For example, my brother Lau used to box and jump rope and has a picture he likes to show people where he looks like D’Angelo from the “How Does it Feel” video. 3,000 Nachos BelGrandes later and he’s gone from “How Does It Feel” to “How Did it Get Like This?” Granted, diet has something to do with it, but metabolism certainly plays a part as well. You get older, you get fat easier.


Father time is undefeated,

As for me, my main issue so far has been balding. I have a few gray hairs here and there, but really that is no problem. Having the front part of my hairline resemble a tide going back out to sea is a problem for me. I don’t like it, and there isn’t much I can do to fight it.

The thing that makes all of this worse is that as men, no one is sensitive to our plight. No one treats us with the same level of respect as they do women who show signs of aging. This is not to say that women are not judged as they grow older, because they definitely are. The difference is that we as men are RIDICULED when we show signs of wear and tear. People zero in on our flaws and literally point and laugh.

Fuckin’ jerks.

Whenever I see someone I haven’t seen in a while, the first thing they tell me is, “Oh my god Dave, you are balding!” Yeah, no shit. Thanks for reminding me. Do I go up to you after a while like, “oh my god what happen to your boobs?” Do I point out the crows feet under your eyes and delight at how you look like you haven’t slept since 2008? No, because you would cry and shit your pants. Men are not supposed to cry and shit their pants. They are supposed to stand up to abuse and take it in stride. Some men can take it and some men can’t.

There is a reason why so many men become insecure as they get older. Why you will see them spend thousands of dollars on hair restoration. Why they dye their gray hair meticulously week after week. If all else fails, there is always the sports car route. The strategy there being, “Please don’t look at my flaws. Instead look at my brand new Porsche! BASK IN MY MANLINESS!!!”

Here’s the thing about overcompensating. People see straight through it. Old or young or somewhere in between like me, the same rules apply as they always have. Bald spots or no bald spots, love handles or no. saggy boobs or no saggy boobs (this one can apply to men or women), it doesn’t matter. Confidence is sexy. You’ve got to be confident with what you are working with.

Dave <—– Adequately sexy man. (with bald spots)

Advertisements

How to Deal With a Heckler

I had a pretty obnoxious heckler at a show tonight. By the end of the night I am pretty sure he wanted to kill himself. This is how you do it people…

Yeah. Total badass!

Drunk People On the Radio…

Join me tonight at 10 PM ET for another episode of NYComedyUnderground Radio. My guests tonight include the sisguntingly cute and adorably funny Jessica Lovelace-Chandler (www.JLCcomedy.com). It’s St. Patty’s Day and we are getting into the spirit by getting drunk on the air.  Will I finish the show in one piece? You’ll just have to tune in to see.

 


KISS ME I’M IRISH!

 

Call in LIVE: 858-815-2314

 

A Fine Excuse to Drink

Date / Time: 3/17/2011 10:00 PM

 

 

Fake Holidays

Well everyone, its officially St. Patrick’s Day. Are you drunk yet?

Of all the fake holidays out there, St. Patrick’s Day has got to be one of the best. Now when I say fake holiday, I don’t mean that St. Patrick’s Day doesn’t mean something to certain people. There are true Irish men and women who hold the day near and dear to their hearts. They celebrate with traditions that have been passed on from generation to generation. They gather with their friends and families and break bread, they participate in parades, and instead of going crazy for green beer, they get drunk on the real stuff.


STRAIGHT WHISKEY BITCHES!!!

As for the rest of us, St. Patty’s Day is a fake holiday. An excuse to go out and party and blow off work.

There are many fake holidays in the year. Valentine’s Day, Halloween, Labor Day, Columbus Day, Cinco de Mayo, Election Day, and of course all of the Jewish Holidays. Of all the fake holidays, St. Patty’s Day has got to be right up there in terms of awesomeness. People get up at the crack of dawn and are in bars and pubs from the wee morning hours till late at night. It is a non-stop party! Halloween also gets high marks for all the girls who dress up all slutty and stuff, but sometimes planning a costume can be a pain in the ass. Today all you need is a green shirt and an ID card.


Remember…Never drink and blog.

So what do you guys think? What is your favorite fake holiday?

JOIN IN THIS DISCUSSION LIVE TONIGHT ON NYCOMEDYUNDERGROUND RADIO.

Online: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/vanedave/2011/03/18/a-fine-excuse-to-drink
Call in: 858-815-2314

It’s Fun to do Bad Things

ry fun show last night on NYComedyUnderground Radio. My guests were LA based comedian Amy Dresner (www.amydresner.com) and fellow BTR host Lola Mack (http://www.iamlolamack.com/). Rather than trying to sum things up, I decided to list some excerpts from the show. These are phrases that came out of people’s mouths.

“kids are getting shittier and shittier”
“an open palmed bitchslap”
“I don’t want people to get the impression that you flash your boobs on stage”
“I sound like Johnny Cash”
“then you see I am talking about pussy hairdos”
“open mics are like AA meetings, sex therapy, and depressives anonymous rolled into one”
“I wouldn’t want to pass the shit from my genetical pool onto anyone”
“I embarass my fiance every time I step on stage”
“Did it have semen in it?”
“I think putting the condom on her head was enough”
“I don’t believe in spankings, I believe in beatings”
“The worst is these kids having kids who are going out to clubs every night”
“Every time I see a teenager there is this uncontrollable rage that builds in me”
“It’s fun to do bad things”
“I knew kids who used to play dodge the cars after school”
“These parents are watching Justin Bieber and Harry Potter and are on Team Edward”
“Y’know what, fuck kids”

For more of the madness you can download the episode – http://www.blogtalkradio.com/vanedave/2011/03/11/it-takes-a-village.mp3?localembed=download

or listen via the player below.
 

Listen to internet radio with vanedave on Blog Talk Radio

It’s Called Child “REARING” for a Reason!

Join me Tonight at 10 PM ET on NYComedyUnderground Radio as we discuss how messed up kids are in today’s society.

Are kids getting worse with each passing generation?

What are we doing wrong?

Are you for or against whooping a kid’s ass?

I WANNA HEAR FROM YOU!!!

Upcoming Episodes

Date / Time: 3/10/2011 10:00 PM

Category: Comedy

Call-in Number: (858) 815-2314

G’s Up Hoes Down (Gender Equality in the 21st Century)

In honor of Women’s History Month we will be talking about issues surrounding gender equality. Do you think gender equality exists? How do you celebrate Women’s History Month? How do you feel about women still being allowed to vote and have jobs outside the home? Come join the discussion.

Gender Equality in the 21st Century

Date / Time: 3/3/2011 10:00 PM

Call-in Number: (858) 815-2314

Listen and chat through the website at www.blogtalkradio.com/vanedave