OH YOU THINK YOU TOUGH??!!!!

There is nothing on earth that gives people balls more than a keyboard and a screen. The most mild mannered of folk can turn into viscous animals when they get on the internet. Whether it be a comment on a youtube video, a forum post, a reply to a blog, or review on yelp, an all out war of words is always just seconds from breaking out. I don’t know what it is that gives people the balls.

Oh wait… yes I do. They are hundreds of miles away and anonymous. That’s right.

I’ve always found internet toughness to be a fascinating subject. Watching trolls in action is sort of like watching kids in a schoolyard during recess. You can always tell the ones who are acting out, the ones who just want attention, the ones who are just doing it because they see others doing it, and of course the ones who need to be separated because they are genuinely fucking crazy!


LEAVE THIS KID ALONE!!!

Since this is such a fun topic, I decided to do a radio show about it. It will be tonight at 10 PM ET and it is going to be awesome. Here’s the link:

DAVE AND ALEX’S RADIO SHOW

To start the discussion I will share with you some of the types of trolls you might encounter on the interwebs. I’ll give you my top three and then you can take it from there:

Dave’s Top Three Internet Troll Breeds

1. The Say Anything to Fuck With You Troll – This troll never really speaks in coherent sentences or words. They will just post total nonsense like “WEEEEEEEEEE!!!” or “My taint itches when it rains.” These are both comments I have received in the past.

2. The Racist/Homophobic at the Drop of a Hat Troll – This troll usually reverts to racism or homophobia the second you question him/her (usually him) on anything.

“I don’t think the Yankees are going to make the playoffs.”
“Yeah you would think that you nigger. Probably like those faggot Mets.”
“Yeah, I’m a Mets fan.”

3. The Post Hijacker Troll – This troll is the worst to me. They will take any chance they get to turn your post into a forum for whatever issue they want to air out at the time. For example, yesterday on facebook my friend posted this cool video of Rhonda Rousey doing judo. I made the comment that Ray Rice should try to mess with her. A rather innocent passing barb. Some asshole after me calls me ignorant, then proceeds to write a ten paragraph rant on men being victims of domestic violence. 

Dick.

Okay, now you go. What type of trolls do you encounter?

Join the discussion tonight at 10 PM ET – here

Happy a s a Pig in…

I was at BBQ recently at a coworker’s house where the host did a pig roast. It was awesome. The skin was crispy, the meat was tender, everything was seasoned just right. As I sat down with my plate full of pig, I looked around at everyone at my table and they all looked so happy. That is, everyone except for one girl who looked absolutely disgusted. Amongst all the smiling delighted faces, her repugnant scowl stood out like a sore thumb. As I watched in slow motion I could see her begin to open her mouth. I could tell she was about to ruin everything, but I couldn’t get to her in time to stop it. It was like that scene in Bronx Tale when Calogero sees the dude who is about to whack Sonny at the party.

Yes, this is an appropriately dramatic comparison.

As we all sat enjoying our roast swine, this one party assassin opens her stupid face and asks us all, “How could you eat that?” She then gave us the standard uptight asshole “Pig is a filthy animal and here are all the reasons why” speech. At that exact moment, I wished I was a woman so it would be okay for me to punch her in the face.  You could see everyone at the table just die a little inside. Its not necessarily that she was going to convince any of us that what we were doing was bad, it was just the fact that she felt like it was okay for her to pull this shit at a fucking BBQ. Especially a BBQ with a PIG ROAST AS THE MAIN ATTRACTION!!!

(Here’s some more exclamation points to drive home that last point – !!!!!!!)

In the right setting I don’t mind being educated on the merits of healthy eating. I don’t mind if someone who cares about me tells me why I should eat kale or why I shouldn’t eat Taco Bell. In general I know what to stay away from or what I should be eating in moderation. To a certain degree I think we all know what we should and shouldn’t be eating. That doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy ignoring the rules every once in a while. The last thing we all want when we choose to indulge in a pint of iced cream, or a combo meal at our favorite fast food joint, or a full plate of roast hog, is some jerk there pointing out all the reasons why we are going to regret our decision later. Okay, I get it. You read a book. Good for you! I don’t want to know what you saw on Dr. Oz. I don’t care at what age your cousin had a heart attack. That’s very nice that you feel the best you’ve ever felt. I don’t want to know any of that right now. All I care about in this moment is this pig. The guy in the Matrix had the right idea…

“Ignorance is bliss.”

The Downside to the Moral High Ground

Former Indianapolis Colts head coach, Tony Dungy, was in the news this week for saying that he wouldn’t have drafted Michael Sam if it  were up to him. Dungy basically said that Sam deserves the opportunity to play in the NFL, but he wouldn’t want to deal with “all of that”. Most people assumed “all of that” is meant to mean all of the extra media attention and distractions caused by Michael Sam being the first openly gay player in the NFL. Me, I’m not so sure.

At first glance, this seems to be a pretty harmless statement by Dungy, but there are a few things that make it pretty bad. First off, Dungy is African American. It seems pretty short sighted of him to make a statement like that considering all that he must have gone through as a player back in the day and as a black coach trying to get a job. So I guess Tony would have been one of those baseball GMs back in the day that would have passed on Jackie Robinson?


Alright Jackie, back to the Negro Leagues with you, I don’t want to cause a stir.

Even more hypocritical is the fact that a few years back Dungy was the biggest advocate for getting Michael Vick back into the NFL after he served his prison sentence for dog fighting. THAT WAS THE BIGGEST MEDIA CIRCUS IN THE HISTORY OF THE LEAGUE!!! So if someone tortures a bunch of animals Dungy is alright with championing their cause, but if they like dudes he suddenly wants to mind his business? Makes sense. Jesus never specifically spoke out on dogfighting in the bible. We all know how he feels about the gays.


Here’s Jesus stopping his disciples from going into a gay night club.

The problem with taking the moral high ground is that it sets you up for a big fall if you are not genuinely moral. The moral high ground is not a place that’s designed for you to look down on people from. Once you’ve put yourself in a position where you are telling people the right and wrong things to do, they are going to expect you to do the right thing too. “Do as I say, not as I do” has never been the most popular rhetoric in most circles.

Really, the simplest way to sum up Dungy’s comments is to day that they were dumb. Oh, what’s that? You agree with Dungy? Well you are dumb too. Hiding behind the veil of righteousness does not make it less dumb.  Most times when you start off a statement with “I’m not saying” it means you are going to say exactly the thing you are claiming not to say.

“I’m not saying all religious zealots are dumb, but man they sure aren’t smart.”

Reminds of my boy Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights


“What? I said, ALL DUE RESPECT!!!”

Don’t Worry, Men Don’t Have Feelings

I’ve never been particularly self-aware when it comes to my appearance. My grooming regiment (if you can even call it that) consists basically of me showering most days, putting lotion on my face, and splashing on some cologne if I remember to do so. I haven’t owned a bottle of hair product in my entire adult life. When it comes to clothes, I like to think I have some semblance of style, but I have certainly never paid much attention to brand names or fashion trends. (My cousin Mica recently reminded me of this when she berated me for wearing jorts.) I just wear what I think looks good on me, provided it doesn’t have an offensive price tag.

This is not to say that I do not have a healthy image of myself. I’ve been told by my fair share of women that I am a very attractive man. (Albeit, most of them were older women at work, or friends of my father who like to make me feel awkward and see me squirm.) I have my strong points and I believe they work well for me. I clean up nicely, I am reasonably well built, and I have a sweet ass that I like to flaunt on occasion. Add in my devastating charm and wit and you have all the makings of an adequately confident man.

Dave <— Adequately confident man.

As men get older there are certain challenges we face. For example, my brother Lau used to box and jump rope and has a picture he likes to show people where he looks like D’Angelo from the “How Does it Feel” video. 3,000 Nachos BelGrandes later and he’s gone from “How Does It Feel” to “How Did it Get Like This?” Granted, diet has something to do with it, but metabolism certainly plays a part as well. You get older, you get fat easier.


Father time is undefeated,

As for me, my main issue so far has been balding. I have a few gray hairs here and there, but really that is no problem. Having the front part of my hairline resemble a tide going back out to sea is a problem for me. I don’t like it, and there isn’t much I can do to fight it.

The thing that makes all of this worse is that as men, no one is sensitive to our plight. No one treats us with the same level of respect as they do women who show signs of aging. This is not to say that women are not judged as they grow older, because they definitely are. The difference is that we as men are RIDICULED when we show signs of wear and tear. People zero in on our flaws and literally point and laugh.

Fuckin’ jerks.

Whenever I see someone I haven’t seen in a while, the first thing they tell me is, “Oh my god Dave, you are balding!” Yeah, no shit. Thanks for reminding me. Do I go up to you after a while like, “oh my god what happen to your boobs?” Do I point out the crows feet under your eyes and delight at how you look like you haven’t slept since 2008? No, because you would cry and shit your pants. Men are not supposed to cry and shit their pants. They are supposed to stand up to abuse and take it in stride. Some men can take it and some men can’t.

There is a reason why so many men become insecure as they get older. Why you will see them spend thousands of dollars on hair restoration. Why they dye their gray hair meticulously week after week. If all else fails, there is always the sports car route. The strategy there being, “Please don’t look at my flaws. Instead look at my brand new Porsche! BASK IN MY MANLINESS!!!”

Here’s the thing about overcompensating. People see straight through it. Old or young or somewhere in between like me, the same rules apply as they always have. Bald spots or no bald spots, love handles or no. saggy boobs or no saggy boobs (this one can apply to men or women), it doesn’t matter. Confidence is sexy. You’ve got to be confident with what you are working with.

Dave <—– Adequately sexy man. (with bald spots)

MEGA MILLIONS!!!


I’M RICH BIATCH!!!

What would you do if you won the mega millions? Would you be an asshole about it? Would you be kind and generous? We don’t want to know those corny cliche answeres. We want the truth, damnit!

Winning the Mega Millions…

Tonight at 10 PM
Call in live at: 858-815-2314

We are also sneaking some playoff basketball talk in!

Jersey Shore is Done!

You had your routine all set:

Every Thursday at 10 PM, you turn on your TV and immerse yourself in the complete and utter tomfoolery that is Jersey Shore. (Yep. I said “tomfoolery”. I’m bringing it back!) You do it because somewhere deep inside of you, you have become accustomed to the idiocy. It may have started off with the Real World, or maybe Flavor of Love, or maybe even Fox and Friends, but now you’ve come to depend on the Shore for your fix.

Jersey Shore Season 3
You have a disease. I am not judging you.

Now that Jersey Shore is over, where are you going to turn for your weekly supply of stupid? Where will your brain cells now go to die a slow, methodical death? Before you go searching through MTV’s programming schedule, might I make a suggestion?

There is a show, which comes on at the same convenient 10 PM time slot. A show which, if given the chance, can be a fairly steady source of wtf moments and ridiculous antics. For example, here are some of the stupid things you can look forward to on tonight’s show:

– Dave and Alex figure out if their taste in music is gay.
– Can you catch the gay? Our in depth (not literally) research is revealed.
– Tonight’s guests include a black standup comic from Wisconsin (I didn’t even know they had black people) and a dude who wants people to pay him to chop his penis off.

That last part was totally serious.

So join me and my cast of merry fools tonight for another episode of NYComedyUnderground radio. It’s fun and it’s free.

Listen online: That’s Kinda Gay

Call in live: 858-815-2314