What would you do if you won the mega millions? Would you be an asshole about it? Would you be kind and generous? We don’t want to know those corny cliche answeres. We want the truth, damnit!

Winning the Mega Millions…

Tonight at 10 PM
Call in live at: 858-815-2314

We are also sneaking some playoff basketball talk in!

Catch Me if You Can

I will be appearing at the Eastville Comedy Club tomorrow, February 26th at 7 PM. It is my first show in quite a while and I am really excited to be getting my groove back. Looking forward to seeing anyone who can make it.

Eastville Comedy Club
85 East 4th Street
New York, NY 10003
(212) 260-2445

You can aslo catch me on the radio every Thursday at 10 PM ET. Click the button below for more info.

Listen to internet radio with Vanedave on Blog Talk Radio

Follow me on twitter @vanedave

Finding My Inner Pimp

So I did an odd post back in the day that sort of inspired this one. The thing is I did that post back when no one was reading, so it was no big deal how silly I sounded. Eh, whatever I still don’t care how much of a fool I make of myself.

So as I was discussing last week, it has been brought to my attention that I need to be a little more whorish when it comes to promoting my comedy. This is not such an easy task for me as I am such a modest person by nature (okay there was a slight hint of sarcasm there). Seriously though, I am outgoing, and I have no problem performing for people, but I am a little shy when it comes to tooting my own horn. I think I am in dire need of a pimp.

Since I have no desire to let a stranger slap me around or take 75% (going pimp rate) of my earnings, I figured who better to be my pimp than me. I think I can be a fine pimp with a little practice. I’ll even let myself be the guinea pig. Alright here goes nothing.

PimpDave: Alright get up. It’s time to get out there and go make that money.
Vanedave: Couldn’t I relax just a few more minutes.
PimpDave: Bitch don’t make me slap you so early in the day! I haven’t even lotioned up my hand for that yet.
Vanedave: No need for slapping I’m up. Okay so what do I do now.
PimpDave: What do you do now? Are you for real trick? *Smacks across the face* Now tell everyone about your next show!
Vanedave: *rubs face while whimpering* Hey everyone. I just booked a show for this coming Saturday.
PimpDave: Bitch stop crying and say it with some enthusiasm before I have to go upside your head again!
Vanedave: So come on by and have some laughs if you like.
PimpDave: *Backhands across the face* That was the sorriest shit I’ve ever heard. You do it like that again and you’ll get another one. Now do it right!
Vanedave: Come to my show this Saturday. You won’t be disappointed.
PimpDave: *Slaps again* Bitch tell them how funny you are!
Vanedave: I am a pretty funny guy so come and check me out.
PimpDave: *Slaps* I can slap you all day if I have to. Make me believe that you are funny bitch!
Vanedave: I am the funniest son of a bitch to ever pick up a microphone.
PimpDave: Alright that was better. Now put it all together with some details before I whoop dat ass.
Vanedave: So come on down to the New York Comedy Club this Saturday January 31st at 8PM, if you want to see the funniest and baddest mofo on the face of the earth. That’s the New York Comedy Club at 241 E 24th St., Between 2nd and 3rd Ave. Hit me up for more info.
I finally slapped some sense into you I see.
Vanedave: Can I go now?
PimpDave: *Backhands across the face* Bitch! You forgot the clip.
Vanedave: *holds back tears* Here is a clip from my last show for your viewing pleasure.

John Told Me To Be a Whore

So as many of you know by now, I am a fledgling stand up comedian. In New York City no less. Needless to say it is not easy. Some nights are way better than others. Saturday was a good night. A really good night.

I did my first show of the year on Saturday. I couldn’t wait to get on stage. I had so much material I wanted to try out, more than I even had time for. I was also excited because there was a good possibility that I had a special guest in attendance; Xanga John. I hadn’t met John before, so it was hard for me to know if he was there or not. All I knew was that I had five guests in attendance and I only knew of four. I was pretty sure the fifth was him.

I went on and did my set. I felt really good up there. I felt different than I had before. Its kind of hard to esxplain exactly, but you know how athletes say the game slows down for them as they progress, that is how things felt for me up on stage that night. When I went to the back I was congratulated by many of the other comics. The producer of the show came over and told me that the new stuff was brilliant. This does not happen very often.

After the show, John found me and introduced himself. It was so cool to finally meet. We went to a bar up the block afterwards and had some drinks. He is a really down to earth guy. We ended up talking for almost three hours. One of the things we talked about was how I need to learn how to market myself better. He told me that I’ve got the funny part down, now I need to learn how to be a whore. Yes a whore.

I told him I didn’t know how to be a good whore. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Here is where he brought up something I’ve been thinking about all week. He asked me what my angle is. As a comedian and as a writer, what is my angle? I have no frigging clue. At first I wasn’t sure what he meant. He explained that right now, my only angle is that I’m funny. That means that I am competing against 100% of comedians out there who all claim to be funny. Now say I was an angry lesbian comic. Now I am only competing against the 5% of comics who are angry lesbian.

“You need to find your angry lesbian.” That’s how he summed it all up in the end.

You know at first I had no clue what he was saying, but in the end it all made sense. What am I selling? Who am I selling it to? What sets me apart from all the other douchebags selling the same thing?

So Chris Rock’s angle is race, Lewis Black is an angry Jew, Jeff Foxworthy is a redneck (and he sucks). What is my angle for my stand up and my writing? Help me out here guys.

Oh and here’s a clip from Saturday