Game of Drones (A Purely Original Headline)

This week there were many people who were finally given a reason for hope after months of sadness and uncertainty. They saw their savior arise, destined to restore order to the broken realm.

I’m talking of course about Ted Cruz, champion of the Republican Party.

Jon Snow
Go back to sleep Jon, Ted’s got this. 

The demigod Donald Trump has run roughshod over the GOP in his pursuit of the throne. Like a true American patriot, he has ignored the antiquated rules of engagement and  used tactics as unorthodox as his hair to rise through the ranks. What began as a subtle annoyance to the GOP nobility has since grown into a nigh unstoppable force which threatens to doom us all.

There have been many who have attempted to stand in opposition. At the start of the conflict, the GOP threw out hordes of their “finest” soldiers to vanquish the Donald. No fewer than 16 candidates were thought to be up to the task. Santorum, Fiorina, Jindal, Perry, even Jeb of clan Bush all fell at the feet of the beast. Some fought more valiantly than others, employing several interesting strategies along the way.

Ben the Surgeon appeared to use confusion as his tactic of choice. Not sure if he intended to confuse himself or the rest of us the whole time, but maybe that was his plan all along.

Carson stage

Ben, you stupid genius, you!

Marco the Little attempted to use wit to gain the support of the masses, repeatedly mocking Trump’s small fingers and making ill fated references to his watering gaffe of old lore. A strategy that might have been more successful had Marco possessed a sense of humor… or a personality… or a human, non-robotic brain.

Rubio Water


John of Kay-sick? Kay-sitch? or whatever his name is, has used stealth as his weapon. Often times over the past few months we’ve heard whispers of, “Wait, he’s still in this fight?” or “Holy shit, there is another guy in there.” Indeed there was another guy, behaving himself in the shadows, waiting for his opportunity to strike politely.


Kasich at a recent debate.

In the end there was only one man seemingly fit enough to pose a real threat to Trump. Inexplicably, that man was the bastard Ted Cruz (not a bastard in the literal sense, just in the sense that he’s a dick). Cruz was never meant to be the hero of this tale. He is generally loathed by most everyone he has ever been in contact with. Think of it this way, if Trump is the Antichrist, the hope was that Cruz could be the anti-Antichrist.

Cruz began his assault with a stirring victory in the battle of the Iowa caucases. He didn’t do much of shit after that, but with every almost victory he grew more and more confident. His task was made simpler when it was made clear that he didn’t even need to completely defeat Trump on his own. He only needed to weaken Trump enough to force him into a showdown in Cleveland, where the GOP were prepared to summon the fabled “Super-Delegates” to finish the job.

Despite the mounting opposition, Trump grew more and more brash, smugly navigating every obstacle set before him. Every time Trump defied the GOP it was a bigger embarrassment. What began as a mild annoyance over Trump had grown into a full fledged hatred (a hatred only surpassed by their hatred for Ted Cruz). Still, despite their disdain for Trump. not many dared to fully cross him. After all, this man could well be their future ruler. Although some were brave enough to cry out how shitty he is in one breath, they also felt compelled to begrudgingly pledge their support for him in the next.


Yes, Chris the Fat. Gaze upon your future in horror.

It was all up to Ted Cruz to turn things around. He had to put a stop to Trump’s onslaught. He was the GOP’s sad, shitty last hope. (This is when we all say “GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, KASICH IS STILL IN?!!”)  Alas, things did not go as planned. Cruz’s last stand at the battle of Indiana was a disaster.

First leading up to the battle, John Boehner, former Lord Commander of the House of Representatives, came out and publicly stabbed Cruz in the back.

Boehner cruz


Then in the early stages of the battle, Carly Fiorina, Cruz’s chosen top lieutenant, fell at his side.

Fiorina stage

Like a true pro, Ted didn’t break stride.

Finally, Trump dealt the apparent deathblow, forcing Cruz and what few supporters he had left into apparent surrender.

Cruz suspends

NOOOO! I mean, YESSS! I mean, NOOOO!… I’m so conflicted.

But then at the zero hour, when all seemed to be lost, a fire sparked in Ted Cruz unlike anything we’d ever seen before. Throwing caution to the wind, he unleashed a powerful offensive on Trump. He was no longer holding back.

“utterly amoral,”


“serial philanderer”

These were the blows Cruz was now lodging toward Trump. He went on to add that Trump is “a pathological liar. He doesn’t know the difference between truth and lies. He lies practically every word that comes out of his mouth.”

This is the fury the people had been waiting for. This was the conflict we’d waited to witness. Though slain in battle, maybe Cruz could somehow rise up out of the ashes and lead the charge to defeat Trump after all. What a tale  that would turn out to be. A world renowned piece of shit like Cruz, given a chance at redemption, unites the GOP to rise up and renounce Trump and all his evils once and for all. Songs would be sung of his bravery for generations to come!

Unfortunately, Ted Cruz is not the savior that was promised. He is still a just a piece of shit. After all the insults, and the tantrums, and the tirades against Trump, Cruz was asked this simple question.

“Will you support Donald Trump as the Republican nominee?”

After dodging the question a few times Cruz answered,

“You sound like a broken record, someone else have a question?”

Again he was pressed for an answer,

“I don’t understand why you won’t answer the question, Senator. If you think he’s a liar… If you say he’s a pathological liar, and you say that you can’t…”

“You’ve asked one already, Hallie,” Cruz responded angrily. “You’ve asked already.”

And so, with one last act of cowardice, Cruz exited the struggle once and for all.

Lyin ted

Ahh, fuck off with this shit, lyin’ Ted. 

Trump’s domination of the Republican party seems to be complete. Only the Democrats can stop him now. Pray for us all.


Choose Your Words Carefully

I have always had a colorful vocabulary.

I often recount fondly the tale of how I cursed this kid out in front of the whole class when I was but a wee tiny lad in second grade. My favorite part of the story is when my dad came up to the school to meet with my teacher afterwards and was left speechless by the following question:

“Do you have any idea where he could have learned language like that?”

If I could frame his face at that moment it would be sitting on the fireplace mantle today.

I DO NOT *dramatic pause* know where that little shit learned those words!"

“I DO NOT *dramatic pause* know where that little shit learned those words!”

The term “offensive language” has always been perplexing to me. Words have very little power without context. I mean don’t get me wrong, there are some words no one should ever use. Regardless of the situation, I cannot find any reason to condone the use of language such as “BAE”, “ON FLEEK”, or “IGGY AZALEA”. Free speech or no, have some self respect.



Other terms depend very much on how they are used. I will admit to you all that I still to this day use the word “retarded” on a pretty regular basis. Just the other day I was telling someone how retarded drivers in New Jersey are. I mean seriously, there are two lanes. Why would you wait behind me for five minutes while I wait to make a turn when there is NO TRAFFIC??

Some overly sensitive assholes may contend that any use of the word “retarded” is insulting to those who have mental or developmental handicaps?,disorders?, disabilities? stuff. I have never met someone who has a medical condition and said or even thought to myself, “look at this retard!” I have on many occasion said this to myself or out loud while watching any number of Republican debates throughout the years. Retards are not people who have trouble learning in school. Retards are people who think that we should force Mexico to pay for and build a wall to keep Mexican rapists and drug dealers in Mexico.

"That's insensitive, Dave."

“That’s insensitive, Dave.”

Furthermore, for all you people who still want to pass judgement, check out these STILL OFFICIAL definitions from

Definition of RETARDED:  slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development or academic progress

Medical Definition of RETARDED:  slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development :  characterized by mental retardation


I think it is important to note here that I am not advocating the use of pejorative or discriminatory speech. Contrary to my earlier statement about my dad, I was raised right. I think I have a pretty good idea of what’s wrong and what’s right. You might not like that I curse sometimes , but when you really meet someone who uses offensive language it is a totally different experience than getting annoyed because someone used the word “balls” instead of testicles.

A few weeks back I met this guy named Robbie. Robbie has Down Syndrome and is the brother of an acquaintance of mine. After introducing me to Robbie said acquaintance told me the following:

“Robbie is an INVALID. He can’t really work or nothing so me and my brother gotta look after him all the time.”

He called him an INVALID! He said this to me directly in front of Robbie too. I was mortified.

In case some of you were not around for the middle ages, the term “invalid” (pronounced in-vuh-lid) used to be a common term used to refer to people who were disabled (mentally, physically or otherwise). There is no getting around how wrong that term is. How much more blunt can you be in saying certain groups of people are NOT VALID. Even the dictionary uses it to describe people who are too sick or infirmed to take care of themselves, but I would never even use “invalid” in that context. So what, when someone gets cancer and has to go into hospice they cease to be valid? Sick people get the same amount of respect as last month’s expired Windows password?