Game of Drones (A Purely Original Headline)

This week there were many people who were finally given a reason for hope after months of sadness and uncertainty. They saw their savior arise, destined to restore order to the broken realm.

I’m talking of course about Ted Cruz, champion of the Republican Party.

Go back to sleep Jon, Ted’s got this. 

The demigod Donald Trump has run roughshod over the GOP in his pursuit of the throne. Like a true American patriot, he has ignored the antiquated rules of engagement and  used tactics as unorthodox as his hair to rise through the ranks. What began as a subtle annoyance to the GOP nobility has since grown into a nigh unstoppable force which threatens to doom us all.

There have been many who have attempted to stand in opposition. At the start of the conflict, the GOP threw out hordes of their “finest” soldiers to vanquish the Donald. No fewer than 16 candidates were thought to be up to the task. Santorum, Fiorina, Jindal, Perry, even Jeb of clan Bush all fell at the feet of the beast. Some fought more valiantly than others, employing several interesting strategies along the way.

Ben the Surgeon appeared to use confusion as his tactic of choice. Not sure if he intended to confuse himself or the rest of us the whole time, but maybe that was his plan all along.

Ben, you stupid genius, you!

Marco the Little attempted to use wit to gain the support of the masses, repeatedly mocking Trump’s small fingers and making ill fated references to his watering gaffe of old lore. A strategy that might have been more successful had Marco possessed a sense of humor… or a personality… or a human, non-robotic brain.

Classic!

John of Kay-sick? Kay-sitch? or whatever his name is, has used stealth as his weapon. Often times over the past few months we’ve heard whispers of, “Wait, he’s still in this fight?” or “Holy shit, there is another guy in there.” Indeed there was another guy, behaving himself in the shadows, waiting for his opportunity to strike politely.

Kasich at a recent debate.

In the end there was only one man seemingly fit enough to pose a real threat to Trump. Inexplicably, that man was the bastard Ted Cruz (not a bastard in the literal sense, just in the sense that he’s a dick). Cruz was never meant to be the hero of this tale. He is generally loathed by most everyone he has ever been in contact with. Think of it this way, if Trump is the Antichrist, the hope was that Cruz could be the anti-Antichrist.

Cruz began his assault with a stirring victory in the battle of the Iowa caucases. He didn’t do much of shit after that, but with every almost victory he grew more and more confident. His task was made simpler when it was made clear that he didn’t even need to completely defeat Trump on his own. He only needed to weaken Trump enough to force him into a showdown in Cleveland, where the GOP were prepared to summon the fabled “Super-Delegates” to finish the job.

Despite the mounting opposition, Trump grew more and more brash, smugly navigating every obstacle set before him. Every time Trump defied the GOP it was a bigger embarrassment. What began as a mild annoyance over Trump had grown into a full fledged hatred (a hatred only surpassed by their hatred for Ted Cruz). Still, despite their disdain for Trump. not many dared to fully cross him. After all, this man could well be their future ruler. Although some were brave enough to cry out how shitty he is in one breath, they also felt compelled to begrudgingly pledge their support for him in the next.

Yes, Chris the Fat. Gaze upon your future in horror.

It was all up to Ted Cruz to turn things around. He had to put a stop to Trump’s onslaught. He was the GOP’s sad, shitty last hope. (This is when we all say “GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, KASICH IS STILL IN?!!”)  Alas, things did not go as planned. Cruz’s last stand at the battle of Indiana was a disaster.

First leading up to the battle, John Boehner, former Lord Commander of the House of Representatives, came out and publicly stabbed Cruz in the back.

FOR THE WATCH!!!

Then in the early stages of the battle, Carly Fiorina, Cruz’s chosen top lieutenant, fell at his side.

Like a true pro, Ted didn’t break stride.

Finally, Trump dealt the apparent deathblow, forcing Cruz and what few supporters he had left into apparent surrender.

NOOOO! I mean, YESSS! I mean, NOOOO!… I’m so conflicted.

But then at the zero hour, when all seemed to be lost, a fire sparked in Ted Cruz unlike anything we’d ever seen before. Throwing caution to the wind, he unleashed a powerful offensive on Trump. He was no longer holding back.

“utterly amoral,”

“narcissist,”

“serial philanderer”

These were the blows Cruz was now lodging toward Trump. He went on to add that Trump is “a pathological liar. He doesn’t know the difference between truth and lies. He lies practically every word that comes out of his mouth.”

This is the fury the people had been waiting for. This was the conflict we’d waited to witness. Though slain in battle, maybe Cruz could somehow rise up out of the ashes and lead the charge to defeat Trump after all. What a tale  that would turn out to be. A world renowned piece of shit like Cruz, given a chance at redemption, unites the GOP to rise up and renounce Trump and all his evils once and for all. Songs would be sung of his bravery for generations to come!

Unfortunately, Ted Cruz is not the savior that was promised. He is still a just a piece of shit. After all the insults, and the tantrums, and the tirades against Trump, Cruz was asked this simple question.

“Will you support Donald Trump as the Republican nominee?”

After dodging the question a few times Cruz answered,

“You sound like a broken record, someone else have a question?”

Again he was pressed for an answer,

“I don’t understand why you won’t answer the question, Senator. If you think he’s a liar… If you say he’s a pathological liar, and you say that you can’t…”

“You’ve asked one already, Hallie,” Cruz responded angrily. “You’ve asked already.”

And so, with one last act of cowardice, Cruz exited the struggle once and for all.

Ahh, fuck off with this shit, lyin’ Ted. 

Trump’s domination of the Republican party seems to be complete. Only the Democrats can stop him now. Pray for us all.

 

When White People Riot

I remember sitting in a pizza shop with some co-workers the day the riots in Ferguson, Missouri reached their climax. CNN was on the television showing images of police in riot gear clashing with angry black residents. Cars were overturned, stores were smashed, whole neighborhoods burned. As we sat and watched, I braced myself for the inevitable question someone would eventually blurt out.

“Why would they do that to their own community?”

Oh yeah, my co-workers are all white. This matters for context only. I’m not racist, I swear.

As the only person of color at the table I was somehow expected to have the answer to this question. It is a question people of color are always asked when these types of situations play out. It was asked during the Ferguson riots, it was asked during the Baltimore riots, it was asked during the LA riots back when Rodney King made his famous plea of “can’t we all just get along?” For such a seemingly simple concept the answer is and always has been exceedingly complex. There really is no answer in my estimation. On many levels it simply doesn’t make sense.

Rioting as a form of protest is a paradoxical concept. I’ve never been able to wrap my head around it as a strategic maneuver. I’ve always seen it more as a purely instinctual, emotionally charged response. Like a child throwing a tantrum when their parents won’t buy them a toy at the store. It’s more likely to get them a beating than what they want (depending on how shitty the parents are).

This is why when someone asks me to explain the logic behind what transpires during riots I cringe. Logic is never the driving force behind a riot. Anger. Hurt. Desperation. These are the catalysts at play. It makes me sad to see the disenfranchised destroy what little they have. The images that we see on the news are startling. All over we see mostly young black men and women lashing out in the only way they seem to know how.

The perception of the angry black youth may be more alive and well in today’s America than it has ever been. For the hundreds of peaceful protests that have taken place over the past few years, it is the images from Baltimore and Ferguson that endure in the country’s psyche. The Black Lives Matter movement is viewed more as a domestic terrorist cell by many than an as a group of activists seeking justice. To sum this all up in simple terminology, WE ARE A BUNCH OF SCARY MOTHERFUCKERS!

People do crazy stuff when they are scared. More specifically white people do crazy stuff when they are scared. You think its bad when black people get angry? Or hurt? Or desperate? You think its bad to turn on your TV and see what happens when poor communities in Ferguson and Baltimore stop making sense? Turn on your TV right now and you can see what happens when the entire country stops making sense.

As recently as a year ago Donald Trump was a laughing stock. His run for the presidency was still viewed as an elaborate publicity stunt. Now here we sit, six months away from the election hoping and praying that he doesn’t score enough delegates to guarantee a nomination as the Republican candidate. He has done this while running the least presidential campaign in this country’s history. He has slandered women, advocated violence against protesters at his rallies, and run on a platform built around intolerance and xenophobia. He has proclaimed that he “could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot someone and not lose any votes” AND HE HAS BEEN PROVEN CORRECT! He even did the unthinkable recently and referred to the events of 9/11 as 7/11 in a speech. He did not correct himself. He also did not skip a beat in the polls.

We wouldn’t have let Steve Harvey get away with that!

To think that in 2004, Howard Dean, considered by many to be the front runner for the Democratic nomination, had his whole campaign derailed because he let out an awkward overly enthusiastic cheer at the end of one of his speeches. He literally did nothing wrong. He was just a huge dork is all. Seems unthinkable that this sort of thing could tank a campaign today. On the bright side it did lead to some hilarious spoofs.

Like this one – Dave Chapelle – BYAAHHHH!!!

 

How did things get to be this way? What the hell is wrong with everyone? Well, as is the case with almost everything over the past 8 years, you can place most of the blame with Obama. Having to deal with Obama as president for two whole terms has driven many backwards ass people to drastic measures. He is the embodiment for everything they fear and loathe.

Muslim? CHECK!

Terrorist-y sounding name? CHECK!

Smooth black dude who could probably steal your girl? CHECK!

Uppity ass educated negro? DOUBLE CHECK!!!

OHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIITTTTTT!!!!

To have this man as Commander in Chief, all the while having gays running around getting married, and trans people not living in the shadows where they belong, and Latinos from the Bronx being appointed to the Supreme Court, and black people getting fed up about cops shooting them all the time. It looks like it just all got to be too much for white people. They’ve snapped.

It’s like they’ve all gotten together and collectively are saying, “YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WANT CHANGE? WE’LL SHOW YOU CHANGE!”

So FUCK IT they say, build a wall to keep out the Mexicans who are the backbone of our agricultural industry and contribute in countless other to our country. And while we’re at it keep all the Muslims out too. FUCK IT, repeal Obama Care no matter how many lives it has saved and regardless of the fact that none of the fucks cursing its name have a more viable alternative to help those who can’t afford care. FUCK IT, lets make huge sweeping cuts to social security and welfare. Yeah millions of god fearing honest white people will be left out in the cold, but at least the minorities won’t be able to buy their drugs with our tax dollars.

And yea, FUCK IT, elect Donald Trump our next president. FUCK IT, bomb the shit out of ISIS and all of our enemies. FUCK IT we don’t care about economic policies, or failed business practices. FUCK IT, make Mexico or China or whoever the fuck finance our bullshit ideas. He can say what he wants or do what he wants because damnit, he loves America! Not YOUR America, THEIR America. And it’s gonna be fucking GREAT again.

FUCK IT ALL!!! 

This is what’s happening in our country right now. There are no police in riot gear imposing martial law in the streets. No victimized store owners crying in front of their wrecked livelihood. No burning buildings to point at in horror. Yet somehow I can’t shake the fear that unless things change we will all be standing in front of the wreckage in a few years asking ourselves this one sobering question.

“Why would they do that to their own country?”

CAUSE FUCK IT, THAT’S WHY!!!