Jesus

Jesus Died at Age 33… OH SHIT, HOLD UP!!!

I had a birthday recently. In case you couldn’t figure out by the title I turned 33 years old.

I’ll pause for a sec to let you sing to me…

…aww, thanks you guys!

I’ve had many people tell me that 33 is a great year recently. They all reference Jesus when they tell me this, like 33 was a great year for him. Did any of these people see Passion of the Christ? I don’t know what version they saw, but to me 33 did not look like a fun year for JC. That’s why we love Jesus so much, because of all the horrible stuff he went through for us. I don’t want to have any year of my life be nearly as traumatic.

Jesus hero

Although if I could have Jesus’ powers without having to go through all the torturing and crucifixion and stuff, I’d sign up for that.

That being said, I have always felt a connection to the number 33. It was the number my favorite basketball player, Patrick Ewing, wore. It is worn today by Matt Harvey, my favorite current NY Met. #33 was also worn by Jose Canseco, who was one of my favorite baseball players growing up before I was old enough to figure out what a piece of shit he is. Whenever I played sports or created characters in sports games I always wore #33. I still wear 33 on my Sunday morning softball team to this day.

So seeing how 33 is my number, I decided to look into this notion of 33 being the age to be. I started with a google search of “age 33”. I found all of these articles saying how 33 is the age where people are happiest, but that turned out to be bullshit since I found similar articles on the first page for searches of ages 34, 35, 36, 37, and 38. 

Looking further into the number 33 I did find some pretty cool stuff though:

  • The thirty-third year of a person, it is the perfect age, that of the full development. It is at this age that Jesus-Christ was crucified and that Krishna, the god with the 16000 wives and the 180000 sons, died to repurchase the Karma of the humanity
  • David reigned 33 years to Jerusalem
  • The Christ in the Gospels accomplishes 33 miracles
  • Joseph was 33 when he too the Virgin Mary as his wife
  • The Zen books represent us the genius solar surrounded by 33 atmospheric gods
  • Total number of vertebrae of the spinal column of the human body, in which pass 33 pairs of nervous groups
  • Water boils at 33 degrees Celcius
  • According to the Muslim theologian Al-Ghazali the dwellers of Heaven will exist eternally in a state of being age 33
  • 33 is not only a numerical representation of “the Star of David,” but also the numerical equivalent of AMEN: 1+13+5+14=33 (<—-COOL!!!)

Besides the importance of the number itself, here is some cool stuff people accomplished throughout history at age 33:

  • Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly across the Atlantic alone
  • Michelangelo began work on the statue of David
  • Alexander the great conquered most of the known world (1 month shy of 33)
  • Thomas Jefferson wrote The Declaration of Independence
  • Thomas Edison took credit for inventing the light bulb
  • Vaudeville performer Walter Nilsson rode across the United States on an 8 1/2 foot unicycle (<—HOLY CRAP THAT’S AMAZING!!!)

It wasn’t all good for 33 though. There were some negatives:

  • Hitler rose to power in Germany in 1933. This was the same year that the Great Depression reached it’s height in America
  • 33 is one of the symbols for the KKK (K = 11 x 3 = 33)
  • Many believe that the Antichrist (whoever he turns out to be) will rise at age 33
  • Recent studies have shown that most people stop liking new music at age 33 (this may not be so bad actually.

After taking in all of this information I was still on the fence about age 33. That is until I found one more amazing fact about age 33 that completely blew my mind:

UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE!!!

And so, with that I’m very excited about the year to come. Already to begin my 33rd year I have a chance to witness something magical that only occurs once in a millenium. If this event comes to pass I will be fully convinced of the power of the 33rd year.

Mets World Series

COME ON METS. THIS IS MY… I mean OUR YEAR!!!

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The Downside to the Moral High Ground

Former Indianapolis Colts head coach, Tony Dungy, was in the news this week for saying that he wouldn’t have drafted Michael Sam if it  were up to him. Dungy basically said that Sam deserves the opportunity to play in the NFL, but he wouldn’t want to deal with “all of that”. Most people assumed “all of that” is meant to mean all of the extra media attention and distractions caused by Michael Sam being the first openly gay player in the NFL. Me, I’m not so sure.

At first glance, this seems to be a pretty harmless statement by Dungy, but there are a few things that make it pretty bad. First off, Dungy is African American. It seems pretty short sighted of him to make a statement like that considering all that he must have gone through as a player back in the day and as a black coach trying to get a job. So I guess Tony would have been one of those baseball GMs back in the day that would have passed on Jackie Robinson?


Alright Jackie, back to the Negro Leagues with you, I don’t want to cause a stir.

Even more hypocritical is the fact that a few years back Dungy was the biggest advocate for getting Michael Vick back into the NFL after he served his prison sentence for dog fighting. THAT WAS THE BIGGEST MEDIA CIRCUS IN THE HISTORY OF THE LEAGUE!!! So if someone tortures a bunch of animals Dungy is alright with championing their cause, but if they like dudes he suddenly wants to mind his business? Makes sense. Jesus never specifically spoke out on dogfighting in the bible. We all know how he feels about the gays.


Here’s Jesus stopping his disciples from going into a gay night club.

The problem with taking the moral high ground is that it sets you up for a big fall if you are not genuinely moral. The moral high ground is not a place that’s designed for you to look down on people from. Once you’ve put yourself in a position where you are telling people the right and wrong things to do, they are going to expect you to do the right thing too. “Do as I say, not as I do” has never been the most popular rhetoric in most circles.

Really, the simplest way to sum up Dungy’s comments is to day that they were dumb. Oh, what’s that? You agree with Dungy? Well you are dumb too. Hiding behind the veil of righteousness does not make it less dumb.  Most times when you start off a statement with “I’m not saying” it means you are going to say exactly the thing you are claiming not to say.

“I’m not saying all religious zealots are dumb, but man they sure aren’t smart.”

Reminds of my boy Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights


“What? I said, ALL DUE RESPECT!!!”

Jesus and His Potty Mouth

This old lady messaged me on facebook a while back to complain about my foul language. In her complaint, she mentioned that Jesus would never have spoken in such a manner, and that we should all be reflections of him. I don’t know what this lady was smoking when she sent me this message, but it got me thinking.

With all the crap that Jesus went through in his 33 years, do you really think he didn’t curse once? I think there are some instances where he had to!

jesusonwater

jesus judas
 

jesus trial  

jesuscross

forsaken
And at the ninth hour, Jesus shouted in a loud voice,
“HEY DAD!!! What the f man?” 

jesusrisen

So does anyone else agree with me? No? Scared to admit it? I understand. The Catholic Church is watching you!

Jesus v. Biggie

Preface: Before I go any further, if you are sensitive or do not have a sense of humor then get the hell on! This entry is not for you.

You may not know this if you’ve seldom read my site, but I consider myself quite the deep thinker. As often as I have talked about nonsense I have also tried to occasionally inspire intelligent conversations on an array of topics. Unfortunately this is not one of those occasions.

Jesus v. Biggie
So I was sitting at home not too long ago watching a preview for the Notorius B.I.G. movie, and for some reason my mind started to wander towards Jesus. I thought about the corrolations between Biggie and Jesus and there were some pretty striking similarities:

Both were iconic figures who inspired the masses with their words.
Jesus: His words live on through the gospels. Taught us to love him and be saved. I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. (John 11:25-26)

Biggie: His words live on through his music. Also taught us to love him. Ladies rub your tits if you love Big Poppa. (Player’s Anthem – Junior Mafia)

Both were frequently in trouble with the law

Jesus: On King Herod’s most wanted list since birth, frequent menace to merchants outside of temple, constantly in hot water with the local Jewish priests, and of course there was that Pontius Pilate guy.

Biggie: Grew up in the crime infested Bedford Stuyvesant projects, started selling weed at the age of fourteen, pleaded guilty to second degree harassment in early 1996, and was arrested on drug and gun posession charges in mid 1996.

Both men died young.
Jesus: Died on the cross at age 33 after giving his soul up to his father. Came back to life shortly after before rising up to heaven.

Biggie: Died at age 24 three years after the release of his debut album “Ready to Die”. Oooohhhhh spooky! His album “Life After Death” was released shortly after his death in 1997, followed by his next release “Born Again” two years later.
 
Both men had playa haters galore.
Jesus: Jesus had so many haters that he felt it necessary to make them a part of his teachings. Beware of false prophets, who comes to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. (Matthew 7:15) Don’t think it was just the jews who hated him either. I am sure there were plenty of people who just hated Jesus cause he was young, flashy, and good looking. There are various points that I could have seen myself hating on Jesus. Like when he walked on water. Was that really necessary? He could have just calmed the waters from the boat. Would have been just as effective. I would have been like, “Why you gotta be showin’ off like that Jesus?” Or when he turned the water into wine? Imagine being at a party trying to kick it to some girl and then Jesus goes and does that. All of a sudden nothing you are talking about is even remotely interesting anymore. For the rest of the night that girl is just looking at you and thinking to herself, “Why am I even talking to this loser. He can’t turn water into wine. Where did that Jesus guy go?” That would have made me so pissed at Jesus.

Biggie: “Playaahh, turn your head round. Take off that crown, youve been robbed” (Paya Haters – Life After Death) Big and Puffy were renowned for their work against haters. Biggie knew how dangerous haters could bere. In fact it is widely believed that haters are the ones that gunned him down. I can’t front, I used to hate all over Biggie. I mean I liked his music, but it really used to irk me to see a dude that ugly with so many hot girls. It just didn’t seem right to me.

There was one more similarity. What was it again? Oh yeah… Both men were black!!! (Take that bible belters!)

So as I sat there pondering over these similarities I realized something. No, not that Biggie was the second coming of the messiah. I realized that if Jesus were alive today, he would be a rapper. Would you buy Jesus’ album? Would he be able to beat Nas in a battle, or outsell Jay-Z? See guys I told you. Deep thoughts. 

The “Virgin” Mary
I’ll leave you with this quick one about Mary. Would we still call Mary “The Virgin” Mary if she wasn’t always beautiful in her pictures? Personally I don’t think so. You just don’t call ugly people virgins. When you think “virgin” you think something like this –  Now since Mary is always hot in her pics, and let’s face it she is, we have no problem associating her with virgin. But lets say Mary looked more like this – . You don’t look at that pic and say Virgin. You may look at it and say “that chick is never getting laid”, but you still don’t think “virgin”. If Mary looked like Rosie instead of looking like Selma Hayek all the time (look I’m not kidding ), we would just call her plain old Mary. Virgins don’t look like this – . You think suicide bombers blow themselves up to get 72 of those?

The Fable of Jesus (God is “Not Necessarily” Real Pt.2)

Happy Monday everyone. Hope the weekend was good to you fine people. Time to finish what I started on Friday. Again, this is not for the intellectually squeamish. Let’s get into the teeth of this.

Friday I was talking a bit about the movie “Religulous.” I talked about questioning faith and how to “disagree without being disagreeable.” (Haven’t heard that term in a few months) Now let’s complicate things a bit. Today I want to talk about war and the “fable” of Jesus. Now a few of you asked me if, as a Christian, I was offended by the movie at any point. I can honestly say that I wasn’t, but I can see how someone might be. I can tell you for my father’s part he wasn’t necessarily offended, but he was definitely shaken by the movie.

The “Fable” of Jesus
As I briefly mentioned in Friday’s post, there was a certain part of the movie that had my father looking like he had just seen a ghost. He was pale in disbelief after seeing some things in the movie that poked holes in the story of Jesus. I am not talking Da Vinci code stuff. He decided that he could deal with Jesus having a wife if that was in fact true. What bothered him were the charges that many aspects of the story of Jesus were stolen from the stories of Osiris and Horus. It wasn’t the fact that the movie made these charges, it was the fact that the similarities the movie highlighted were incredibly significant (I would love to hear some Christian feedback on this). Let’s examine…

First off the stories of Osiris and Horus originated thousands of years before the time of Christ, so it is not possible for them to be influenced by Christian theology, only vice versa. Horus and Osiris are pagan gods that came out of Egypt. Jews did live in Egypt, and Palestine (the birthplace of Christianity) is in close proximity to Egypt, so the idea that early Christians borrowed from Egyptian theology is not so improbable.

Some facts about Osiris:
– Had well over 200 divine names, including Lord of Lords, King of Kings, God of Gods, Resurrection and the Life, Good Shepherd, Eternity and Everlastingness, the god who “made men and women to be born again.”
– The Lord’s Prayer was prefigured by an Egyptian hymn to Osiris-Amen beginning, ‘O Amen, O Amen, who are in heaven. Amen was also invoked at the end of every prayer.
– In his passion, Osiris was plotted against and killed by Set and “the 72.” 
– Osiris’ resurrection served to provide hope to all that they may do likewise and become eternal.

There are more (for more on Osiris you can start here and here ), but Horus really had the more interesting parallels:
– Born of the virgin Meri, whose husband was named Seb (Jo-seph)
– Only begotten son of the god Osiris
– Born in a cave (some believe that Jesus was born in a cave instead of a stable).
– His conception was announced to his mother by an angel and his birth was heralded by the star Sirius, the morning star.
– Herut tried to have Horus murdered as an infant.
– Baptized at age 30 by Anup (John) the baptist, who was later beheaded.
– Walked on water, restored sight to the blind, resurrected his dead father Osiris (or El-Azarus).
– Died by crucifixion accompanied by two thieves.
– Resurrected after three days.

Again there is more (there are many interesting reads on this. Here is one), but I think the point is made. Now how many of these parallels are true is a point of scholarly contention, although many of these points, including the resurrections, are widely held as part of both stories. My father had never heard of Horus, or of all of these parallels. It really made him think. He is a Roman Catholic and firmly believes in Jesus. He was shocked a few years back when my younger brother announced that he did not believe in Jesus and couldn’t understand how he could come to that conclusion. Now here was my little brother, looking at my father’s pale face, with a look of I told you so on his. My father asked me what I thought about this whole thing and I gave him the same answer that I gave my little brother when he asked me how I can believe in Jesus.

By my own admission, I am not a religious person. I cannot recite scripture (although I am familiar enough with it), I do not know too many saints, and I do not attend church regularly. I, like many of you, consider myself to be a spiritual person. I believe in Jesus as an entity. I believe in the ideals and the morals that his story represents. I believe in his teachings. Do I believe in the story of Jesus as historical fact? No. I do not. I do however believe that there is a greater force “watching over me” and I choose to hold Jesus Christ as the manifestation of this good and benevolent force. So if the stories of Osiris, or Horus, or Buddha, or Krishna for that matter, are a little too similar to the story of Jesus, then let it be. The story is not as important as the idea to me. Which is why I don’t have to be Hindu to believe in Karma, or be Buddhist to appreciate the teachings of Confucious.

Religion Is Not Evil!
During the course of the movie Bill Maher makes his case against religion in a rather mild manner. He attempts to poke logical holes into something that is, by all accounts, not based upon logic. Thus his task is made relatively easy for him. In most cases the people in the movie made his case for him. All he had to do was be the voice of common sense and reason. In doing this he paints a rather unflattering picture of the religious, but one that is also accurate for the demographic that he chose to showcase. The demographic I am speaking of is the radical religious. This is where things got a bit preachy.

The very last part of the movie was the most offensive to me. Maher makes a plea for all those with common sense to denounce religion. Why you may ask? Because religion is responsible for countless wars and conflicts throughout history. Religion is in effect evil. I can already hear the seas parting on this one. On one side there are those of you who agree with this and on the other side there are those who are offended. To me the truth lies somewhere in the middle. If someone were to objectively examine these statements they would no doubt find truth in them. Religion can be tied to virtually every major conflict that is going on in the world today. However the problem I have with this statement is that it is a gross generalization. Radicalism is at the crux of our society’s problems. Radicalism and religion are not one and the same. Radicalism is religion in excess, and anything in excess can be dangerous. War is a terrible, terrible thing and yes, religion and war are often very closely related. Religion can be an extremely polarizing topic which people tend to be very passionate about. This is why it is all the more important for us to learn how to properly use religion. To teach those who misuse or misunderstand religion the error of their ways. I can understand why Maher is so afraid of religion, but I cannot condone his blanket indictment of it.

Alright. Done. Talk amongst yourselves…

Sidenote: Xanga Mystery Blogger starts tomorrow. BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

God is “Not Necessarily” Real…

So this is a pretty long overdue post. Hopefully I can get this done today. In the past few weeks I have covered politics and sex here. According to my caucasian cousin Shirlann,  I need to cover religion next. Just to have a balanced diet of social commentary. Luckily I just so happened to have something up my sleeve. (Warning: this post is not for those lacking in brain cells.)

A while ago I went to see Bill Maher’s “Religulous” movie. I really enjoyed it. For anyone who is unfamiliar with the movie, Bill Maher goes around and talks to people about their religion and why it makes sense to them. The movie centers around Christianity for the most part, but also talks some about Judaism and Islam. He of course is very skeptical, and he admits this, but basically he is challenging people to help him understand some of the more farfetched aspects of their religion. It’s one of those movies that gets people talking. Everyone who was in the theater came out having some sort of discussion. When we were waiting for my girlfriend to come out of the bathroom we broke out in a mini debate (a civil one) with some people out in the lobby. Then the five of us who went to see the movie went to dinner and talked about religion (and some politics tied into religion) for the rest of the night. I love movies that get people talking.

Want to know what we were talking about? How bad do you want to know? Say pretty please. Well since you asked so nicely…

The idea of questioning faith is something that many people frown upon. When someone questions your faith the person is looked at as a blasphemer or as some sort of lost lamb. Questioning your own faith is something that is looked at as weakness or impurity. Who are we to question things after all? Everything is laid out in the bible for us nice and easy. All we have to do is read and obey right? Wrong as far as I’m concerned. There is nothing wrong with questioning things. Even things like faith. There is just a right way to question things and a wrong way to question things.

In the movie Maher makes it a point to tell people that he is not an atheist. Atheists believe that there is no god. Maher says that he does not preach atheism, but rather he preaches “I don’t know.” He doesn’t know if there’s a God and he doesn’t claim to know. Now here is where I agree with him. Let me state first that I am a Christian in the sense that I believe in Jesus and in God. I was raised Roman Catholic, but I wouldn’t really say that I can classify myself as that anymore. My church is Roman Catholic, but I am not really. Now for the record, questioning things is not exactly a staple of the Roman Catholic church. Luckily for me my Dad was not always the best at making it to church. I mean we went, but it definitely was not like clockwork. (Okay enough on that tangent. Back to questioning faith.)

Being Catholic I received the blessed sacraments and thus had to sit through my fair share of Sunday school (and bible study at times). I was baptized, I had my Holy Communion, and I even had Confirmation. I had to read alot of bible for that. I was taught a lot about my religion. I was also taught not to believe everything I read. Some stuff in the bible just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. The story of Lot sticks out like a sore thumb to me. You know what we would call a guy today who tells people to rape his virgin daughter instead of him? We’d call him an asshole that’s what we’d call him. There is just no good moral to that story for me. Yet for some people there is a good moral to that story. That is that god hates faggots. I digress. Point is religion is not an exact science. In turn this means that faith is not an exact science. I am not supposed to question these things sometimes. Please!

Look I’ve said this before. Having faith is by definition BELIEVING without KNOWING. That is the whole point. It would be super easy to believe in something if we knew it was real. (Example: If I told you I could make you a millionaire would you believe me? How about if I gave you a million dollars, would you believe me then?) This is why I don’t claim to know things like if Jesus is real or if there is in fact a God. What I do know is what I BELIEVE. I BELIEVE there is a God. I BELIEVE Jesus died for our sins. If you Catholics were paying attention at church then you would know that its in our creed. It goes “We believe in one god, the father almighty, maker of heaven and earth” not “We know with absolute certainty that there is one god…”

So as I said before there is a right and a wrong way to discuss faith. That means to all you Christians out there, if you want to ask someone why they don’t believe in God, then do just that. ASK them, don’t tell them. See if they have questions and try to answer them. If they are going to be Christian let it be because they decided that it made sense to them and not because you told them they are going to burn in hell. Also, to all you atheists. (Yes I am scolding you too. The Christians get it all the time, its your turn now.) While it’s okay to politely engage in a debate with someone about their faith and ask them about things you may not understand, it is never okay to try to tear down a person’s faith. Faith is a beautiful thing and it is never okay to try to take that from someone.

Okay I have more but I’ve decided to end this here. There will be a second part to this next week. Hopefully on Monday. I still have to talk about why my Dad left the movie looking like he saw a ghost and the end of humanity. Also don’t forget Xanga Mystery Blogger is starting next Tuesday. Till next time dweebs.