sex

How to Captivate an Audience Without Using Your Crotch

I hate music these days.

I know I may sound like a crotchety old man at times, but hear me out on this.

The other day I was channel surfing and I came across a performance by some half naked performer singing some factory assembled song, with some over the top crotch in your face dance moves, and I thought to myself, “who is to blame for this?” The thing about that description I just gave you is that it could apply to any number of contemporary “artists”, male or female. It’s become the blueprint to making it in the biz.

The thing is, I can appreciate good choreography, or artists that know how to put on a hell of a fun show, but at the end of the day less is usually more. On Sunday I went to see one of my favorite artists, Norah Jones. My cousins often make fun of me for being such a huge fan of hers, but the reason I love Norah is because she is a musician. Her performances are all about the entirety of the music. The piano, guitar, bass, percussion, and of course her voice all work together. She connects with each of her songs as she performs and that translates to the audience. No huge production value is needed. You don’t pay attention because there are a bunch of shiny flashing lights and shaking asses. You pay attention because someone is up there sharing a piece of their soul with you.

If that isn’t sexy enough for you, then let me turn your attention to the queen of the less is more concept. One of the sexiest woman of all time in many ways if you ask me (and I am certainly not the only one). I am talking about the one and only, Sade.

I had the distinct pleasure of seeing Sade live in concert a few years back. I still remember as I left the venue I overheard many people saying exactly what I was thinking. “I can die happy now.” I’m not kidding. She is that good. Sade doesn’t just perform when she gets on stage. Sade holds the audience hostage when she gets on stage.

Sade’s sexiness lies in the subtlety of her movements. A flick of her wrist, a slight raise of her eyebrow, the smallest twitch in her hips. She knows exactly what she’s doing to us. It gives me goosebumps just writing about it. If I ever were in a position to manage some young beautiful singer I would have her watch Sade videos all day and night. Not that anyone could ever duplicate her greatness. Just hopefully they would see more of a role model than any of the nameless clones being shoved in our faces today.

Greatness stands on it’s own.

The Best Show Yet!

I love it when something comes together exactly as you planned it. Yesterday was one of those times.

Last night’s show on strip club etiquette was by far the best show we’ve done so far. It was fun, we had great guests, and on top of everything else, it was educational. It actually went even better than I had hoped for.

Let me give you a quick recap:

10:00 – The show started off on a musical note. Alex (my co-host for the night) and I discussed some of the best songs for stripping and fielded some suggestions from twitter and facebook. Our choices included Low by Flo Rida, The Whisper Song by The Ying Yang Twins, and Doo Doo Brown by Uncle Luke.

10:10 – Our first guest was a female exotic dancer by the name of Bianca. Alex expressed his great appreciation for her work and we both took turns asking her questions about her craft. Among other things, we learned that it is okay to get aroused while getting a lap dance, and the best ways to tip your dancers at the club.

10:25 – We opened up the lines to callers who had questions for Bianca and discussed more basic rules of strip club etiquette. We also touched on important factors such as strip club food and strip club ATMs.

10:35 – Our second guest was just as much fun as the first. A male dancer by the name of Anthony joined us and shared some of his experiences in the exotic entertainment parties. We explored the topics of sex crazed old women, male strippers being gay, and what Anthony does when a guy wants to tip him at a party.

10:45 – Some of our lady listeners called in with some very interesting questions for Anthony. My favorite being, “Do you ever put your penis on women’s foreheads?” 

10:55 – I shared the story of Queen LaQueefa with my guests and listeners. We all had a great laugh as I told tales of her unique talents.

I encourage you all to have a listen when you have a chance. You can listen to archived shows via the website at any time. Here are the links. (I am also posting the player on this page.)

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Fake Holidays

Well everyone, its officially St. Patrick’s Day. Are you drunk yet?

Of all the fake holidays out there, St. Patrick’s Day has got to be one of the best. Now when I say fake holiday, I don’t mean that St. Patrick’s Day doesn’t mean something to certain people. There are true Irish men and women who hold the day near and dear to their hearts. They celebrate with traditions that have been passed on from generation to generation. They gather with their friends and families and break bread, they participate in parades, and instead of going crazy for green beer, they get drunk on the real stuff.


STRAIGHT WHISKEY BITCHES!!!

As for the rest of us, St. Patty’s Day is a fake holiday. An excuse to go out and party and blow off work.

There are many fake holidays in the year. Valentine’s Day, Halloween, Labor Day, Columbus Day, Cinco de Mayo, Election Day, and of course all of the Jewish Holidays. Of all the fake holidays, St. Patty’s Day has got to be right up there in terms of awesomeness. People get up at the crack of dawn and are in bars and pubs from the wee morning hours till late at night. It is a non-stop party! Halloween also gets high marks for all the girls who dress up all slutty and stuff, but sometimes planning a costume can be a pain in the ass. Today all you need is a green shirt and an ID card.


Remember…Never drink and blog.

So what do you guys think? What is your favorite fake holiday?

JOIN IN THIS DISCUSSION LIVE TONIGHT ON NYCOMEDYUNDERGROUND RADIO.

Online: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/vanedave/2011/03/18/a-fine-excuse-to-drink
Call in: 858-815-2314

Rules For Dealing With an Office Man-Crush

There are times when I ramble on about complete and utter nonsense on this site. Just yesterday, I created an Oscars game centered around Big Momma’s House 3. Pretty ridiculous right? As fun as acting a fool may be, there are some days when I have to buckle down and talk to you straight. Sometimes I actually have important stuff to talk about. This is not one of those days, but listen up anyway.

So here’s the scoop. There is this guy I work with who is, as you may have guessed from the title, gay. He is a real cool guy. He does nice little things for me and the secretary in my office like sending us comp tickets every once in a while or grabbing us sandwiches when he goes to the deli we all like. He always has a huge smile on his face and is the type of person who always seems genuinely happy to see you when you happen to bump into him in the coffee room. 


Actually, the smile can be a tad creepy sometimes.

Now before I move on, I think it needs to be made clear that as a general rule, straight men do not think about whether or not that gay guy in marketing has a crush on them (Unless they are homophobic, in which case they think every gay guy in the world wants to have their gay baby). Guys only think about all the women that might want to jump their bones. So amidst all the gift giving and merry coffee room encounters, I had never once thought of the possibility that this dude had a crush on me. There was always this nagging feeling that he was watching me when I was walking away from him though.

Sidenote: Women I apologize for doing this to you. Its pretty uncomfortable to have to walk feeling like someone is staring at your ass.

So recently, this dude came into the office with an egg sandwich that had my name on it. I gladly accepted and started enjoying my breakfast. After he leaves, our secretary starts laughing to herself. “He has a crush on you”, she said to me. The best response I could muster at the time was, “nuh uh”. I wanted to tell her how ridiculous she was being, but as I sat there chewing on this love token of an egg sandwich, I knew it to be true. I did a montage of all the little tokens of affection and merry coffee room meetings in my head, and suddenly it was so obvious. Just for good measure the secretary told me that she had it on good authority from the secretary network (keepers of all the company secrets) that he liked me. All I could think to myself was,


“Aww shit, this is awkward. This egg sandwich sure is good though.”

So I went home that day and started contemplating on how to deal with this. Was he courting me or was this just harmless flirting? If it was courting I had to find a way to put an end to that pronto!

Sidenote: Hey guys remember “pronto”? Does anyone still say that? If not, I’m bringing it back.

I had to be decisive and take action, but I also had to be tactful. I didn’t want things to be weird and uncomfortable in the office. Plus, I really liked those egg sandwiches. I needed a gameplan. Here is what I came up with…

Rules For Dealing With an Office Man-Crush

1 Okay first off if this is someone you don’t ever see, than just try to ignore it. No need making a complicated situation out of a simple one.

2  – Above all else, be polite. Nobody wants to be labeled the office bigot.

3You want to let him know you are not gay without just straight up saying “I’m not gay.” No matter how nicely you say “I’m not gay”, it always has the potential of sounding more like “I’m not gay you flaming homo! No I do not want to come over later and watch your bootleg copy of Black Swan! Now get the hell away from me before I mace you.” Trust me, it always is gonna sound like this, no matter how gently you put it. Its best to be a little more subtle.

4If you have a wife/girlfriend try talking about her. Make it natural though. Don’t say stupid shit that you would never say like, “Man my wife is wonderful!” or “Gee I really love having sex with my girlfriend and her vagina!” Do not insult the man’s intelligence. Just say normal things like, “god my girlfriend can be such an asshole sometimes” or “I’m ditching my wife to go play football this weekend. I am so excited!” Okay on second thought, that last one sounded a little gay. You get the picture.

5 – If you are single, make up a girlfriend or just talk about random girls you are dating. Duh!

6Lastly, its still okay to be friends with them. You are not gonna catch the gay. It is not a disease. Remember, you are both adults. As long as you act as such, he will too… hopefully. If not then, well, you may have a case of gay sexual harassment on your hands, which is the absolute worst situation you could be in. There is no winning in that scenario. Either you do the “manly” thing in this situation and beat the shit out of the dude, (In which case you are the office bigot and you could face losing your job and/or jail time. Jail time would mean you’d have to deal with way more man-crushes, hence defeating the original purpose). Or you can do the more civilized thing and file for sexual harassment, in which case you are the bitch ass who sued the nice gay guy from accounting for sexual harassment. Good luck with that.


The most important thing is to avoid the jail time though.

Luckily, things seem to be well under control in my case. Hope these rules are just as successful for some of you. 

TALKING MORE DICEY OFFICE SITUATIONS ON MY RADIO SHOW TONIGHT AT 10 PM ET.

CALL IN LIVE AT  858-815-2314

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