The Future Sucks so Far

It doesn’t feel very much like the future does it?

We’re still driving cars, we’re not wearing metallic jumpsuits with jetpacks, and our food is not in pill form.

Where are the robot maids? Where are the teleportation devices? It’s a damn shame that the I-Phone is the coolest gadget out there. It doesn’t even project holograms. How is that cool?

We are now nine and a half years post Y2K. It still feels like the 90’s in many ways. Well except for music and television being worse and gas prices being higher. If anything we are going backwards it seems. I mean we do have a black president, but we also still have to deal with Coonbots. Can we really call this progress? 

We were supposed to be a utopian society by now. We were supposed to be ruled by one government made up of people of mixed races and genders (and possibly a few aliens here and there). They were supposed to sit on some high council wearing long white and silver robes that seemed to glow all the time. Where is our glowing high council damnit?!!!

I can tell you this. We are coming up on some pretty scary future dates real soon. According to many sources, the end of days is near. 

Upcoming End of the World Dates
– May 21, 2011 – The date of “the rapture” according to certain sects of Jehovah’s witnesses. This is to be followed closely by the world being destroyed by fire on October 21st of the same year.
– Dec. 21, 2012 – The end of days according to the Mayan and Aztec calendars. 
– 2014 – End of the world according to Pope Leo IX. In the year 1514 A.D. He told his followers to “fear not” the world would end “500 years hence”. Do the math people.
– April 19, 2011 – Skynet gains consciousness according to timeline B of the Terminator series.
– April 21, 2011 – Skynets starts the nuclear war which tears the earth asunder.
– 2009? – Rev. Jerry Falwell reveals in a 1999 speech that he believes the anti-christ is already among us. Most likely in the form of a male Jew. Also he believe Christ will return to pass judgement on us within the next ten years. Aww man, that was ten years ago.
– Dec. 2009 – That disease from I am Legend forces Manhattan to be quarantined. By September of 2012, Will Smith is the only man left in Manhattan and one of a small group of survivors. I don’t wanna be a zombie!
– 2099-2100 – Machine forces overtake the human armies and make us into human batteries. The matrix is created to extend the lifespan of comatose human batteries. (Okay so we have a bit of time before this one.) 

Scared yet? Well to be honest you shouldn’t be. If the world ends it ends. What are ya gonna do?

I’ll tell you what though, I am pissed. If the world ends before I have owned a hover car or shook hands with an alien, I am going to be thoroughly disappointed. The highlight of living in this era cannot be having internet access on my phone! I wanna see Mars damnit!